Gusted and Disgusted

An absolutely beautiful day today.  Couldn't ask for anything more.  Terre has come home early today because she has a cold/allergy.  I hope after a few hours of nap, she feels better. 

Apparently I spoke too soon.  After lunch the wind kicked up something fierce and now I have itchy eyes and many sneezes.  This I don't need, and certainly Terre doesn't either.

Ever wonder why it appears as though EVERYTHING is falling apart or going wrong all at once ?  What did we do to start this set of dominoes falling ? 


Has anyone scrutinized their cable bill lately ? Ours just surpassed $100 per month. That is outrageous for what we get. I remember as a kid living in a house with an antenna, we got ten channels for free. We only have the basic and the next tier, and internet. I am definitely looking into getting a dish service. Why don't we have any competition for our cable service ?? 

If you like what you are reading, or even if you don't- please post a comment.  Just to show you how, I posted a test comment below.

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of
expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered
her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and
the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems
as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being
begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly
played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.
Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time,but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know ? 

Two old ladies in church

One leans over to the other and says, "I think my butt is asleep."

The other replies, "Yeah, I could hear it snoring a few minutes ago."

On the fringe...

I wasn't sure what to say today.  It was a bit different.  I started out the day on a new project, which was given to someone else by 9:00.  What a relief.  It was a dog, and I was too busy anyway.  Then I battled my way into getting something else to be successful.  Unfortunately, I missed a very warm and beautiful day outside.  Oh well.


My tooth broke again, as well.  By the time I get to the dentist on Monday, I'll only have a root left!

Tomorrow, I'm going to spend doing documentation.  This is normally boring, but I'm looking forward to it....


Boy, the market sure tanked again.  I know now that barring some extraordinary occurrence, I will be working until I'm dead!


Season finale on Fringe tonight!  I hope it answers more than the new questions it will ask...

Why fishing is better than sex

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?" 

Old songs rewritten

Re-released Baby Boomers’ Classics:

Mrs. Brown, you’ve got a lovely walker
You can’t always pee when you want
I heard it through my hearing aid
Talkin’ ‘bout my medication
Bald thing!
How can you mend a broken hip?
I can’t see clearly now
Papa got a kidney stone
Denture Queen
You make me feel like napping
A Whiter shade of hair
Once, twice, three trips to the washroom 

Young woman's wish list

A Woman’s Wish List

What I want in a man:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. Witty
5. Caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things in life
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. Imaginative, romantic lover

Wish list at age 32

What I want in a man (Revised age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. seeks romance at least once a week 

Wish list at 42

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady—splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to help rearrange furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most week-ends 

Wish List at 52

1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or fart in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on week-ends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some week-ends 

Wish List at 62
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require too much money for upkeep
4. Only snores slightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he is laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Likes soft foods
8. Usually wears some clothes
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend. 

Wish List at 72

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Challenges continue...

One of my molars broke in half today. I saved the piece.  I can't get to the dentist until Monday, so I will just have to be careful.  It's a drag.

Work was a pain today as well.  Progress is fleeting and overrated.  I didn't want to finish too quickly.  Meanwhile, they gave me two new projects to deal with.  Oh joy.


Meanwhile, both the guys interested in buying the Beast are out of town for a few days.  We'll see if the interest wains or not.

Winners of the "Best Bad Humorous Analogy Contest" in the
Washington Post Style Invitational Column:

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets
T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Organizational Chart Outline

When top level guys look down, they see only shit; 
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.

Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to  nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.  I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of  Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring  (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer?  Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid" routing  option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when  I'm trying to
finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?"  before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their  cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push  the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 

The Good Father
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love. He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Let's get this week overwith...

Today was very frustrating.  Apparently I couldn't do anything right!  And on top of it all, my code at work is not working...

I just need a day with some defined and measurable progress to be called "a good day".  Tomorrow I start on a new project.  The uncooled detector world continues to grow and needs a lot of help, and so do I.  I miss space work, but I believe that it is hopeless to ever work in that area again.

Top tips for Everyday Cheapskates (and idiots)
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't
know.

WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read
them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the
pages can later be used for shopping lists.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door.
This will allow you to check that the light goes off when
the door is closed.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an
ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud
explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.

TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that
you can see which items you have recently run out of.


NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Texting for Seniors

DYRS – Do You Remember Sex?
MWIIACWC – My Wife Is In A Coma, Wanna Cyber?
TVKI – The Viagra’s Kicking In
ITAC – Is This A Computer?
GoL – Grandchild on Lap
N911 – Nurse Alert
420 – Dinner Time
IOMM – I’m Off My Meds
MGIAQ – My Grandson Is A Queer
SYHFUMA – Shove Your Hummel Figurine Up Your Ass
FOLS – Fond of Leathery Skin
DiR – Death In Room
TYDO – Take Your Depends Off
LMIRLABE – Let’s Meet In Real Life At Bob Evans
OSMGISUMWC – One Second, My Grandson Is Setting Up My Web Cam
MPHWHJ – My Parkinsons Helps With Hand Jobs
TCS – The Catheter Stings
WYWM – Will You Wipe Me?
LSMSSCOW – Let’s Spend My Social Security Check On Whores
WMBRB – Watching Matlock, Be Right Back
LDOMC – Lay Down On My Craftmatic
KADC – Knitting A Dildo Cozy
LMG – Lost My Glasses
RU/81 – Are You Over 81?
WSTMO – Willard Scott Turns Me On
PRUN – Prunes
LYWMGUO – Leave Your Wal-Mart Greeter Uniform On
IFTWPA – I Forgot To Wear Panties Again

 

Golf

Four Insurance executives met at an International convention and decided to play a round of golf. In the middle of the fairway, the phone rang. The British executive pulled out his cell phone from his golf bag, and starts talking. When he finished, he announced to his fellow golfers:” I am so important in my Company that I have to carry my cell phone wherever I go.” A little later another phone rang. The American simply extended his fingers on his right hand and starts talking. When he finished, he informed his fellow golfers that his job was so important, that he could not risk forgetting his cell phone anywhere, so it was implanted in his hand. A little while later another phone rang, and the Swiss executive answered it by standing upright and started talking. When he finished, he announced that his job was so important that his cell phone was implanted in his lips, to enable him to have both hands free while driving. A little while later another phone rang. The Taiwanese executive dropped his golf clubs, ran behind the bushes, dropped his pants, and started squatting. He was gone for quite a while, so the others came looking for him. When they saw him in that position, they remarked: “Sorry, we did not know what you were doing.”
He replied: “ It’s OK, I’m just receiving a fax.”

Blue Monday

It's drizzling today.  I can't get my brain to work.  I had a long conversation with someone in Seattle that may want to buy the Beast (www.bringatrailer.com).  I didn't realize about the (silly) emotional attachment that I have.  It quickly gave me a queasy feeling and a headache, or I'm coming down with something.....  I think that car represents some of what I am, and it hurts to even consider having it change owners.  I guess some thing just have to be done, even if it hurts.  I suppose I've just got the blues about the whole situation.

A distraught senior citizen.....

phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." 

It was a small town.......

and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

Proudly showing off his new........

apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"  

Way too busy Sunday, without Sunshine...

Watched "Edge of Darkness" last night.  We both thought it was pretty good.  The dialog required loud volume and undivided attention, at times.


You know I missed "Wheels and Waves" yesterday because of their ambiguous poster.  Today I just don't have the energy or incentive to go fight the crowds.  I think what really happens is the after Saturday nights, I come to realization the I have to return to work the following day. 

Just couldn't convince myself to go downtown (even if I could squeeze it in).  Selling the Vette is ripping the fabric of who I am.  I can't go to the car show and look at all the things I don't or can't have.  Not yet...

Only in America!!!

Natural Born Citizens Beware!
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election!
They breed and they walk among us! 

Only In America

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
left and the ball goes right The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,
the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable
tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the
phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out
and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss
every green. The next day you go out and for no
reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the
'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously
it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Redneck word of the day : "OBAMA"

. . . . I BOUGHT ME A CASE A' BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SEFF.

A bit low key today...

Tried to watch "Nine" last evening.  Couldn't hack more than half an hour.  The dancing and singing were pretty good, but where was the rest of the movie.  It was nuts....
  
Supposed to be a big car show locally today and tomorrow.  It appears as though the poster was EASILY interpreted incorrectly, as no cars were available to see today.  It is all tomorrow.  A waited trip downtown.

So depressed?


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, . . . I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

Home Mortgage Application Tips
Applying for a home mortgage can be an overwhelming and stressful experience. But with the right knowledge, you can make a tremendous difference to the outcome of your initial mortgage application interview. Follow our proven tips for mastering that ominous interview with the bank and be on your way to home ownership before you know it. Attire - Your usual clothing ensemble of track pants, NASCAR T-shirt and flip-flop sandals are inadequate for such a meeting. Similarly, clothes with vomit, cum, blood and other bodily fluid stains (or that shirt you’re wearing right now with all of these stains) fare poorly during mortgage interviews. For a better alternative, think back to the clothes you wore at the last funeral you went to, except less drab. Find your best shirt and pants, crack open that unused box of detergent in the basement, learn to use your laundry machine and voila, you’re promoted from street puke to a member of the general populous.
Body Odours - Profuse sweating is the body’s natural response to situations of being fucked over with 30 pages of mortgage contracts to sign, this is normal. What’s abnormal is just how putrid the body odors emitting from your rank crotch and arm pits are. Wearing deodorant is highly recommended.
Breath - The fact that your breath smells like a distillery’s sewer from the several shots of rye earlier this morning is not promising. Then again, neither is the alcohol seeping from your pores from the night before, but there is little you can do about that at this point. While brushing your teeth will help lessen the sharp and distinct cocktail of raw alcohol, garlic bread, onion soup and blue cheese you consumed the night before, you really need to gargle mouth wash one step below “im going to kill myself with industrial solvents”.
Personality - Jokes about “Oh, you mean you want me to pay this money back?” or “If you think my ex-wife has a hard time getting alimony, you should see my track record on mortgages! Har dee har har.” are certain death for any hopes of a mortgage. This humor is comparable to the old “There is a bomb in my suitcase” joke at the airport, which ends with equally poor results. Your repertoire of off-colored political, racial and religious jokes are also going to have dire consequences. Think back to your amateur stand up performance with your child’s school enrolment officer, and the subsequent 45 minute bus ride your kid now takes daily to a different school as a result.
Language - Your normal slang riddled ebonics ”I’ve just stepped out of a rap freestyle contest” conversations will certainly hurt your chances for a mortgage. Try learning some words greater than four letters in length and forming complete sentences while discussing the mortgage with your bank representative.
Intended Use – Your planned use of the property as a grow-op, rave venue, porn shoot locale or arms smuggling depot may best not be discussed during the meeting. Banks sometimes prefer less risky investments.
Security - As just mentioned, banks tend to be adverse to risk. So when asked about your other financial commitments and your track record of timely payment, refrain from comments such as “I took them to the cleaners” or “They never saw me coming”. You want to instill a feeling of security in the people whom will be loaning you the money, and such comments may lessen that security. While asking questions is a good thing to do, limit questions such as “What if I don’t feel like paying anymore?” and “Suppose I decided to embrace a more alternative lifestyle half way through?”.
Addictions - It may not be an opportune time to disclose your unquenchable additions to gambling, porn and illicit drugs. Limit the discussion about yourself to topics that are deemed by society as desirable traits, if you have any. If not, refrain from talking unless absolutely necessary. In terms of appearance, dozens of track marks up your arms and glazed over eyes with bags under them are red flags. Wear a long sleeve shirt and if possible abstain from blowing your mortgage deposit money at the casino or snorting lines of crack off your coffee table 24 hours prior to the interview. Drug dependents and casino junkies tend to fall into the “high risk” category.
With all this useful knowledge under your belt, you’re ready to take on that mortgage interview with confidence and a superb chance of accomplishing your goal. Good luck!

The many Types of Orgasms

Sex in a boat = oar-gasms

Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
Sex with a prostitute = whore-gasms
Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
Sex while broke = poor-gasms
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
Sex while flying = soar-gasms
Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
Sex without a climax = no-gasms

FF (Finally Friday...)

Was a good day today, although it didn't SEEM like we accomplished much, it really was very prolific.  Went to a going away party at lunchtime, and it was a surprise since I just heard yesterday and today is his last day. I realize that it is important for younger employees to change jobs every two years or so to get their salaries up, but for some reason they think that there is going to be less bullshit where they are going.  All large defense oriented companies are run badly.  Part of the blame is the gubmint and how they force us to do business.  The rest is the companies' fault because they agree to do business that way.


Lean times hints:

1. Every non-food item in the grocery store is more expensive than it is at a non-grocery store (i.e. Kmart, Walgreen's, CVS).
2. Always buy an amount of a particular item that you know when entering the checkout line.  For example: If you are buying cans of dog food, pick up ten (or any other number).  When you are checking your receipt after the sale, you won't have to do an actual count.  Lately, many checkout clerks have been making mistakes on the number of products they ring up.  Also, group like items on the conveyor belt, so they will appear together on the receipt.
3. The absolute best deal around is a pre-cooked whole chicken at Costco, for only $5.

Alert:  Virus Warning

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it
immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty
nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard
drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20
feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It
reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on
your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play.

If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It
will program your phone auto dial to call only your
mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into
your fish tank. It will drink all your beer.

For god's sake, are you listening?

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair
and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your
current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your
Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw
things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows XP
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave
your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
all of your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU
CAN!

If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll
fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot
straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will
ignite the person nearest you.

********Please send, send, send, send, and send!********

A Sunday school teacher

is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Top ten sarcastic dares

Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list.

10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.

9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".

8. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacy.

7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.

6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)

5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.

4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.

3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.

2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.

And the #1 Sarcastic Dare...

1. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list. 

A blonde just texted me saying,

"What does idk stand for?"

I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "OMG, no-one does!" 

Received this in the mail and had to share it....

He's done it again..
He sure isn't backing down on his hard line stance and one has to appreciate his belief in the
rights of his native countrymen.

A breath of fresh air to see someone lead.
I wish some leaders would step up in Canada & USA.

 
 Australian Prime Minister does it again!!
 

This man should be appointed King of the World. Truer words have never been spoken.


It took a lot of courage for this man to speak what he had to say for the world to hear.  The retribution could be phenomenal, but at least he was willing to take a stand on his and Australia 's beliefs.

 Whole world needs a leader like this!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday, March 17th to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks..
 

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote:


'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the
majority of Australians. '

'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'

'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!'

'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our
schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'

'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All
we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'

'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and
we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'


'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'

Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves in Canada & USA , WE will find the courage to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

What's happening to Goleta....

Why do you suppose that landlords are getting selfish right about now ?  I always figured that it is better to have a renter at a lower rate, than an empty rental. Say goodbye to Mojo's, China City, Presto Pasta, Quizno's and Luigi's.  Mr. Towbe's wild ride is beginning.  I'll bet that he has decided to go upscale in the Calle Real Center.  I'd say that we definitely need places to go in Goleta that families can't afford to go to.  If they ever get around to bombing Old Town, I bet they upscale there too.  Of course, upscaling Old Town means sidewalks that are level, stores that actually sell something besides Mexican phone cards and display windows that actually display something.  Ah yes, I remember when Old Town was just Town.  There was a Foster's Freeze, a Seaside gas station, the English Department and much more.  They converted the airport to a racetrack for one weekend a year.  They had lots of pull-in parking spots and actually a reason to use them.  It was awesome!

"You just can't go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone's swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, 'How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?'
'Until my bladder's empty' "
 - Tommy Sledge

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to
stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I
went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a
voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort
stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but
anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think
this was too weird! So I said:

"Well, just like you I'm driving east."


Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you
back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the
questions I am asking you."

This article was very interesting, and unfortunately, a shame....

---

May 13, 2010, 10:14 am

Appreciating Those Who Appreciate Collectible Cars

By CHRISTOPHER JENSEN

War. Peace. The Economy. Honoring car collectors. It is all part of the work of the United States Senate, which has declared July 9, 2010, as “Collector Car Appreciation Day.” That day recognizes “that the collection and restoration of historic and classic cars is an important part of preserving the technological achievements and cultural heritage of the United States.” So sayeth Senate Resolution 513 [PDF], which passed last week. That resolution also “encourages the Department of Education, the Department of Transportation and other federal agencies to work to support events and commemorations of ‘Collector Car Appreciation Day,’ including exhibitions and educational and cultural activities for young people.”
The resolution came at the request of the Specialty Equipment Market Association.
The idea was to “recognize and celebrate the automotive hobby,” said Steve McDonald, SEMA’s vice president of government affairs.It is a resolution and not a law and is good only for this year, but Mr. McDonald said SEMA hoped it would be introduced and approved annually.
To some it may also be a demonstration of reaching across the aisles. Its sponsors were Senator Jon Tester, Democrat from Montana, and Senator Richard Burr, a Republican from North Carolina.
Both are members of the Congressional Automotive Performance and Motorsports Caucus, the formation of which was SEMA’s idea. SEMA describes it as a group paying “tribute to America’s ever-growing love affair with the car and motorsports.” This is the second try at such a declaration. Mr. Tester last year introduced Senate Resolution 97, which was virtually identical to this year’s resolution. It was referred to the Judiciary Committee, where it perished.

Funny Proverbs

1.A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. Theyre the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so whats the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, What the heck happened?

22. Just remember -- if the world didnt suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. Thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isnt like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

A man in a chinese restaurant....

...says to the waiter "This chicken tastes rubbery."

The waiter says "Thank you velly much!"

 

Just mosying along all day.....

This was such a nice day, with only a slight breeze.  My allergies did not kick up at all!

Did ya' ever wonder why a dog can do his "binness" anywhere in the house, but outside they have to walk in circles, sniff about, have many false starts and readjustments until finally they decide where is okay ? (Yep, I've been following Max again.)

Tori is at the chiropractor today and will certainly come home erect and comfortable.  She has been wanting to go for a while because she slouches so bad and carries laptops and books on the same shoulder.  We shall see...

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock."
 - Will Rogers

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is
very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through
Queensland  in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a
huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18
miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he
finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned
rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he
walks on, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a
scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever
tasted but the pommie drinks  it down and asks the barman where
the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in
the rain is two big piles of poo, one much bigger than the other.
So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that
someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one
was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of
relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks
into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable
position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of
the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you
dirty bastard."

I received this in an email today, and I couldn't say it better.... 

Take the three minutes to read this.

Maybe he is wrong.

What if he is right?

David Kaiser is a respected historian whose published works have covered a broad range of topics, from European Warfare to American League Baseball. Born in 1947, the son of a diplomat, Kaiser spent his childhood in three capital cities:  Washington D.C,  Albany ,  New York , and  Dakar ,  Senegal .  He attended  Harvard  University , graduating there in 1969 with a B.A. in history. He then spent several years more at Harvard, gaining a PhD in history, which he obtained in 1976.  He served in the Army Reserve from 1970 to 1976.

He is a professor in the Strategy and Policy Department of the  United States  Naval  War  College. He has previously taught at Carnegie Mellon,  Williams  College and  Harvard  University.  Kaiser's latest book, The Road to Dallas, about the Kennedy assassination, was just published by  Harvard  University Press.


Dr. David Kaiser

History Unfolding
I am a student of history. Professionally, I have written 15 books on history that have been published in six languages, and I have studied history all my life. I have come to think there is something monumentally large afoot, and I do not believe it is simply a banking crisis, or a mortgage crisis, or a credit crisis. Yes these exist, but they are merely single facets on a very large gemstone that is only now coming into a sharper focus.

Something of historic proportions is happening. I can sense it because I know how it feels, smells, what it looks like, and how people react to it. Yes, a perfect storm may be brewing, but there is something happening within our country that has been evolving for about ten to fifteen years. The pace has dramatically quickened in the past two.

We demand and then codify into law the requirement that our banks make massive loans to people we know they can never pay back? Why?

We learned just days ago that the Federal Reserve, which has little or no real oversight by anyone, has "loaned" two trillion dollars (that is $2,000,000,000,000) over the past few months, but will not tell us to whom or why or disclose the terms. That is our money. Yours and mine. And that is three times the $700 billion we all argued about so strenuously just this past September. Who has this money? Why do they have it? Why are the terms unavailable to us? Who asked for it? Who authorized it? I thought this was a government of "we the people," who loaned our powers to our elected leaders. Apparently not.

We have spent two or more decades intentionally de-industrializing our economy.. Why?

We have intentionally dumbed down our schools, ignored our history, and no longer teach our founding documents, why we are exceptional, and why we are worth preserving. Students by and large cannot write, think critically, read, or articulate. Parents are not revolting, teachers are not picketing, school boards continue to back mediocrity.. Why?

We have now established the precedent of protesting every close election (violently in  California over a proposition that is so controversial that it simply wants marriage to remain defined as between one man and one woman. Did you ever think such a thing possible just a decade ago?) We have corrupted our sacred political process by allowing unelected judges to write laws that radically change our way of life, and then mainstream Marxist groups like ACORN and others to turn our voting system into a banana republic. To what purpose?

Now our mortgage industry is collapsing, housing prices are in free fall, major industries are failing, our banking system is on the verge of collapse, social security is nearly bankrupt, as is Medicare and our entire government. Our education system is worse than a joke (I teach college and I know precisely what I am talking about) - the list is staggering in its length, breadth, and depth.. It is potentially 1929 x  ten...And we are at war with an enemy we cannot even name for fear of offending people of the same religion, who, in turn, cannot wait to slit the throats of your children if they have the opportunity to do so.

And finally, we have elected a man that no one really knows anything about, who has never run so much as a Dairy Queen, let alone a town as big as  Wasilla ,  Alaska . All of his associations and alliances are with real radicals in their chosen fields of employment, and everything we learn about him, drip by drip, is unsettling if not downright scary (Surely you have heard him speak about his idea to create and fund a mandatory civilian defense force stronger than our military for use inside our borders? No? Oh, of course.. The media would never play that for you over and over and then demand he answer it. Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter and $150,000 wardrobe are more important.)

Mr. Obama's winning platform can be boiled down to one word: Change. Why?

I have never been so afraid for my country and for my children as I am now.

This man campaigned on bringing people together, something he has never, ever done in his professional life. In my assessment, Obama will divide us along philosophical lines, push us apart, and then try to realign the pieces into a new and different power structure. Change is indeed coming. And when it comes, you will never see the same nation again.

And that is only the beginning..

As a serious student of history, I thought I would never come to experience what the ordinary, moral German must have felt in the mid-1930s In those times, the "savior" was a former smooth-talking rabble-rouser from the streets, about whom the average German knew next to nothing. What they should have known was that he was associated with groups that shouted, shoved, and pushed around people with whom they disagreed; he edged his way onto the political stage through great oratory. Conservative "losers" read it right now.

And there were the promises. Economic times were tough, people were losing jobs, and he was a great speaker. And he smiled and frowned and waved a lot. And people, even newspapers, were afraid to speak out for fear that his "brown shirts" would bully and beat them into submission. Which they did - regularly. And then, he was duly elected to office, while a full-throttled economic crisis bloomed at hand - the Great Depression. Slowly, but surely he seized the controls of government power, person by person, department by department, bureaucracy by bureaucracy. The children of German citizens were at first, encouraged to join a Youth Movement in his name where they were taught exactly what to think. Later, they were required to do so. No Jews of course,

How did he get people on his side? He did it by promising jobs to the jobless, money to the money-less, and rewards for the military-industrial complex. He did it by indoctrinating the children, advocating gun control, health care for all, better wages, better jobs, and promising to re-instill pride once again in the country, across  Europe , and across the world. He did it with a compliant media - did you know that? And he did this all in the name of justice and ....... change. And the people surely got what they voted for.

If you think I am exaggerating, look it up. It's all there in the history books.

So read your history books. Many people of conscience objected in 1933 and were shouted down, called names, laughed at, and ridiculed. When Winston Churchill pointed out the obvious in the late 1930s while seated in the House of Lords in  England (he was not yet Prime Minister), he was booed into his seat and called a crazy troublemaker. He was right, though.. And the world came to regret that he was not listened to.

Do not forget that  Germany was the most educated, the most cultured country in  Europe . It was full of music, art, museums, hospitals, laboratories, and universities. And yet, in less than six years (a shorter time span than just two terms of the  U. S. presidency) it was rounding up its own citizens, killing others, abrogating its laws, turning children against parents, and neighbors against neighbors. All with the best of intentions, of course. The road to Hell is paved with them.

As a practical thinker, one not overly prone to emotional decisions, I have a choice: I can either believe what the objective pieces of evidence tell me (even if they make me cringe with disgust); I can believe what history is shouting to me from across the chasm of seven decades; or I can hope I am wrong by closing my eyes, having another latte, and ignoring what is transpiring around me..

I choose to believe the evidence. No doubt some people will scoff at me, others laugh, or think I am foolish, naive, or both. To some degree, perhaps I am. But I have never been afraid to look people in the eye and tell them exactly what I believe-and why I believe it.

I pray I am wrong. I do not think I am. Perhaps the only hope is our vote in the next elections.

David Kaiser  
Jamestown ,  Rhode Island
United States