Just mosying along all day.....

This was such a nice day, with only a slight breeze.  My allergies did not kick up at all!

Did ya' ever wonder why a dog can do his "binness" anywhere in the house, but outside they have to walk in circles, sniff about, have many false starts and readjustments until finally they decide where is okay ? (Yep, I've been following Max again.)

Tori is at the chiropractor today and will certainly come home erect and comfortable.  She has been wanting to go for a while because she slouches so bad and carries laptops and books on the same shoulder.  We shall see...

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock."
 - Will Rogers

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is
very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through
Queensland  in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a
huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18
miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he
finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned
rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he
walks on, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a
scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever
tasted but the pommie drinks  it down and asks the barman where
the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in
the rain is two big piles of poo, one much bigger than the other.
So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that
someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one
was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of
relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks
into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable
position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of
the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you
dirty bastard."

I received this in an email today, and I couldn't say it better.... 

Take the three minutes to read this.

Maybe he is wrong.

What if he is right?

David Kaiser is a respected historian whose published works have covered a broad range of topics, from European Warfare to American League Baseball. Born in 1947, the son of a diplomat, Kaiser spent his childhood in three capital cities:  Washington D.C,  Albany ,  New York , and  Dakar ,  Senegal .  He attended  Harvard  University , graduating there in 1969 with a B.A. in history. He then spent several years more at Harvard, gaining a PhD in history, which he obtained in 1976.  He served in the Army Reserve from 1970 to 1976.

He is a professor in the Strategy and Policy Department of the  United States  Naval  War  College. He has previously taught at Carnegie Mellon,  Williams  College and  Harvard  University.  Kaiser's latest book, The Road to Dallas, about the Kennedy assassination, was just published by  Harvard  University Press.


Dr. David Kaiser

History Unfolding
I am a student of history. Professionally, I have written 15 books on history that have been published in six languages, and I have studied history all my life. I have come to think there is something monumentally large afoot, and I do not believe it is simply a banking crisis, or a mortgage crisis, or a credit crisis. Yes these exist, but they are merely single facets on a very large gemstone that is only now coming into a sharper focus.

Something of historic proportions is happening. I can sense it because I know how it feels, smells, what it looks like, and how people react to it. Yes, a perfect storm may be brewing, but there is something happening within our country that has been evolving for about ten to fifteen years. The pace has dramatically quickened in the past two.

We demand and then codify into law the requirement that our banks make massive loans to people we know they can never pay back? Why?

We learned just days ago that the Federal Reserve, which has little or no real oversight by anyone, has "loaned" two trillion dollars (that is $2,000,000,000,000) over the past few months, but will not tell us to whom or why or disclose the terms. That is our money. Yours and mine. And that is three times the $700 billion we all argued about so strenuously just this past September. Who has this money? Why do they have it? Why are the terms unavailable to us? Who asked for it? Who authorized it? I thought this was a government of "we the people," who loaned our powers to our elected leaders. Apparently not.

We have spent two or more decades intentionally de-industrializing our economy.. Why?

We have intentionally dumbed down our schools, ignored our history, and no longer teach our founding documents, why we are exceptional, and why we are worth preserving. Students by and large cannot write, think critically, read, or articulate. Parents are not revolting, teachers are not picketing, school boards continue to back mediocrity.. Why?

We have now established the precedent of protesting every close election (violently in  California over a proposition that is so controversial that it simply wants marriage to remain defined as between one man and one woman. Did you ever think such a thing possible just a decade ago?) We have corrupted our sacred political process by allowing unelected judges to write laws that radically change our way of life, and then mainstream Marxist groups like ACORN and others to turn our voting system into a banana republic. To what purpose?

Now our mortgage industry is collapsing, housing prices are in free fall, major industries are failing, our banking system is on the verge of collapse, social security is nearly bankrupt, as is Medicare and our entire government. Our education system is worse than a joke (I teach college and I know precisely what I am talking about) - the list is staggering in its length, breadth, and depth.. It is potentially 1929 x  ten...And we are at war with an enemy we cannot even name for fear of offending people of the same religion, who, in turn, cannot wait to slit the throats of your children if they have the opportunity to do so.

And finally, we have elected a man that no one really knows anything about, who has never run so much as a Dairy Queen, let alone a town as big as  Wasilla ,  Alaska . All of his associations and alliances are with real radicals in their chosen fields of employment, and everything we learn about him, drip by drip, is unsettling if not downright scary (Surely you have heard him speak about his idea to create and fund a mandatory civilian defense force stronger than our military for use inside our borders? No? Oh, of course.. The media would never play that for you over and over and then demand he answer it. Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter and $150,000 wardrobe are more important.)

Mr. Obama's winning platform can be boiled down to one word: Change. Why?

I have never been so afraid for my country and for my children as I am now.

This man campaigned on bringing people together, something he has never, ever done in his professional life. In my assessment, Obama will divide us along philosophical lines, push us apart, and then try to realign the pieces into a new and different power structure. Change is indeed coming. And when it comes, you will never see the same nation again.

And that is only the beginning..

As a serious student of history, I thought I would never come to experience what the ordinary, moral German must have felt in the mid-1930s In those times, the "savior" was a former smooth-talking rabble-rouser from the streets, about whom the average German knew next to nothing. What they should have known was that he was associated with groups that shouted, shoved, and pushed around people with whom they disagreed; he edged his way onto the political stage through great oratory. Conservative "losers" read it right now.

And there were the promises. Economic times were tough, people were losing jobs, and he was a great speaker. And he smiled and frowned and waved a lot. And people, even newspapers, were afraid to speak out for fear that his "brown shirts" would bully and beat them into submission. Which they did - regularly. And then, he was duly elected to office, while a full-throttled economic crisis bloomed at hand - the Great Depression. Slowly, but surely he seized the controls of government power, person by person, department by department, bureaucracy by bureaucracy. The children of German citizens were at first, encouraged to join a Youth Movement in his name where they were taught exactly what to think. Later, they were required to do so. No Jews of course,

How did he get people on his side? He did it by promising jobs to the jobless, money to the money-less, and rewards for the military-industrial complex. He did it by indoctrinating the children, advocating gun control, health care for all, better wages, better jobs, and promising to re-instill pride once again in the country, across  Europe , and across the world. He did it with a compliant media - did you know that? And he did this all in the name of justice and ....... change. And the people surely got what they voted for.

If you think I am exaggerating, look it up. It's all there in the history books.

So read your history books. Many people of conscience objected in 1933 and were shouted down, called names, laughed at, and ridiculed. When Winston Churchill pointed out the obvious in the late 1930s while seated in the House of Lords in  England (he was not yet Prime Minister), he was booed into his seat and called a crazy troublemaker. He was right, though.. And the world came to regret that he was not listened to.

Do not forget that  Germany was the most educated, the most cultured country in  Europe . It was full of music, art, museums, hospitals, laboratories, and universities. And yet, in less than six years (a shorter time span than just two terms of the  U. S. presidency) it was rounding up its own citizens, killing others, abrogating its laws, turning children against parents, and neighbors against neighbors. All with the best of intentions, of course. The road to Hell is paved with them.

As a practical thinker, one not overly prone to emotional decisions, I have a choice: I can either believe what the objective pieces of evidence tell me (even if they make me cringe with disgust); I can believe what history is shouting to me from across the chasm of seven decades; or I can hope I am wrong by closing my eyes, having another latte, and ignoring what is transpiring around me..

I choose to believe the evidence. No doubt some people will scoff at me, others laugh, or think I am foolish, naive, or both. To some degree, perhaps I am. But I have never been afraid to look people in the eye and tell them exactly what I believe-and why I believe it.

I pray I am wrong. I do not think I am. Perhaps the only hope is our vote in the next elections.

David Kaiser  
Jamestown ,  Rhode Island
United States 

All Blown Out...

Gone with the wind...I wish the wind would be gone, already.  I spent today medicated to cope.  I have felt better.  It was not a fun day trying to get a few brain cells to work.

Went to an HOA meeting tonight about the "leap in your face" blue shutter that someone painted in the neighborhood. It was interesting.


Also interesting was the change of Prime Minister in England.  It certainly was smoother than I expected.

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.

Alabama:
 It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California:
Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida:
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois:
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Indiana:
Bathing is prohibited during the winter.

Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa:
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisana:
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts:
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. 

Bumper stickers for the rest of us

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol 

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

State of Arkansas Residency Application


Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Sternutations R Us!

This will be a great day if the sternutations (atishoo) will ever stop.  The wind is causing havoc stirring up all the pollen...

It sure is bizarre the way things worked out.  We were so looking forward to being empty-nesters, if even for a short while... Someone told us that you are really not empty-nesters until the family dog dies.  Well Zoe had to be put down, Tori left for school and Ev moved back in.  Now we have Max, Tori is back for the summer and Ev is still here. Our only hope is to move into a one-bedroom condo...!

Top ten reasons why the bible would be different if it
were written by university students.
10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning, cold.

9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five, double-spaced, and written in large font.

8. Promiscuous females would be pissed, not stoned.

7. Forbidden fruit would still have been eaten, anything is better than college food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain Killed Abel: they were flatting together and the dishes weren't getting done.

4. The time and place where the end of the world occurs would be lecture theatres in October.

3. Mary would have made a complaint to the sexual harassment committee concerning Gods unwanted advances.

2. The reason why Moses and the followers walked in the desert for forty years: they didn't want to ask
directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until
the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Bumper Stickers

A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Alcohol and calculus do not mix. Do NOT drink and derive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Clones are people 2
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
HONK if you hate noise pollution
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere!
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone!
I wonder how deep the ocean would be without sponges!
Why does the funeral home raise its prices and blame the cost of living?
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!
Never play leap- frog with a Unicorn!
Our drinking team has a hockey problem!

Should have been more laid back Sunday.....

A quick visit to the Chumash Casino proved unproductive today following a visit to a farm to pick-my-own strawberries and a picnic at Nojoqui Falls.  The karma wasn't there (the luck either).

Funny thing, just a BP didn't have a backup plan to plug the oil well, they didn't have a backup plan if their plan to plug it didn't work either... who figures.  Now I see they want to drop debris on it to plug the hole. Amazing.  Apparently, they were going to try to capture the oil with their last idea, to help pay for the mess they've made.  Now they just want to stop the leak to keep the mess from getting worse.  Why isn't there any "gubmint" bureaucrats forcing them to act a bit faster ?  Are they being fines daily as the leak continues ?  How about blasting ?? 

Saw "Whip It" last night and I liked it.  I used to go to Earl Warren Showgrounds and watch Roller Derby when I was a kid. I think I remember men's and women's teams, like the Thunderbirds and the Devils.  Ellen Page was great.

Laws of the Universe

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

Mother's Day

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!" 


My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?" 

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"  

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"  

   

Busy day....

A slow start this  morning while I fought allergies and fatigue.  We hit them both head-on as I went out to cut the lawns.  It is really nice outside except for the pollen.

Then we trimmed the date palms and de-ferned the side yard.  I can't stop sneezing and I'm beat.

Max got a bath after avoiding me in the back yard for fifteen minutes.  He knows the word.  He really likes to be washed, but just like any dog, he has to try to avoid it.  Afterward he runs in circles and pushes his ears along the grass to dry out.


I've been shopping all over to put together a picnic for tomorrow.  I hope it turns out okay....


Wow, another five headless bodies in Acapulco... there went the tourist trade for the summer.  I am certainly not anxious to visit Mexico for a while.

Mom's Where
One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

Brian nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

Now That's Funny

Steven Wright Quotes From TheComedyShopBlog.com 

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
 

How young can you die of old age?

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Mother's Dictionary of Meanings
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Welcome to Friday...

Well, Ev is one wisdom tooth lighter today.  Too bad the tooth fairy is not still in business.

Thank goodness it's Friday because I don't have enough energy for another day....

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.  

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
They wanted to do their hogwash.
Did you hear about the two kangaroos who crossed the road?
They jumped into each other's pouches and were never seen again. Why did the one-handed gorilla cross the road?
To get to the secondhand shop. Why did the frogs cross the road?
To get a croak-a-cola. Why did the rabbit cross the road?
To get to the hopping mall. Why did the wasp cross the road?
It needed to go to the waspital. How do you keep a dog from crossing the road?
You put him in a barking lot. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
Dead. Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop?
She wanted to lay it on the line. Why did the sheep cross the road?
He needed to go to the baa baa shop. Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side. Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
They go across the road to the retail shop. Why did the duck cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida. Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser. Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off. Why did the chicken cross the road by the playground?
To get to the other slide. Why did the goose cross the road?
Because the light was green. Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken. Why did the sick rabbits cross the road?
They needed to the hopital. What was the farmer dong on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens who crossed the road. Why do skunks argue when crossing the road?
Cause they like to raise a stink. Did you hear the story about the peacock who crossed the road?
It is really a colorful tail..... Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station. Why did the rooster cross the street?
To get to the other side. Why did the hen cross the street?
To see a man lay bricks. Why did the cow cross the road?
To get its fodder. 

She'sssssssssssssssss Ba-ack....

Tori is home safe and sound and extremely tired.  Her room was a never-ending amount of STUFF.  I took my truck to Oxy and it was filled to the gills.  Somehow she managed to accumulate more STUFF while she was there, and it all had to come home in one load!!

Max missed us all day, but he got his walk before we left and right after we got home.  That dog is SPOILED!

Miranda Rights

A drunk driver is arrested by a female cop and she tells him " you have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replied "Tits"  

Us at the Bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

Sinko de Mayo!

Little Known Fact

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. 

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. 

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

If you believe that, I have a bridge for you to see....

I am looking forward to retrieving Tori from Oxy tomorrow. It will be a new experience, once again, to have her home for the summer.

Never Lose Your Grandson!   A heartwarming story.

When he got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

One evening a family brings their frail elderly mother to the local nursing home in Dublin and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast including All Bran and some toast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems ok, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later on the family arrives to see how yer ol' wan is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except them feckers won't let me fart."

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Max to the Max...

Another installment in my never-ending fascination with the behavior of Max.  Terre put an old pillow under the blanket in his crate and now not only does Max harbor less anxiety to get out, he even goes in himself at bedtime!  This morning I had to literally pry him out of the crate so he would have the opportunity to do his "binness" before I left for work.  I carried him outside and gingerly deposited him on the grass.  Quickly he scrambled back to the pavers of our patio.  A long and relaxing stretch and then he proceeds to enter the garden via the gravel and between the various cactus plants and behind the bushes.  Sniffing about, he sidles up to one spot behind a bush, begins the twisting required to lift his rear leg, and then quickly aborts.  Then he sidles up to the other side.  There are first two aborts, then three, four, and on the fifth attempt, success.  He finally does his "binness" and bounces through the grass bounding to the door to return inside.  Once inside, he graciously addresses his recently filled food dish and grabs a few bites before taking his "position" on the back of the leather chair which provides the most advantageous view down the hallway to the front door.


He used to bark when we came in the front door.  Now he knows it's us, so he just watches alertly.  If a door-bell rings on TV, he gets upset and barks and runs about.  He is very protective.

When I get home from work, he starts squirming and running in circles and jumping up and down.  Either he wants his dinner or he REALLY wants a walk.  From previous observations, we came to the conclusion that he is small enough that he doesn't have room for both dinner and his "binness", so I take him quickly for a walk!

John Howard the chirpy Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for a meeting with the Queen. Over a cup of tea, Howard brings up his grand new plans for his country.

"Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?"

The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Howard and unfortunately you are most certainly not a king."

Not to be dissuaded, Johnny asks, "Would it be possible just to transform Australia into an empire then?"

"No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor."

Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into a principality.

The Queen replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, and you Mr Howard are definitely not a prince."

Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty then adds: "I don't mean to appear rude but having met both you and several other Australians, I think Australia is perfectly suited as a country."

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing
vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea
with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it
is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she
knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right
questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please
answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is
it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs
up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old
friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I
wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and
get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.

Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they
puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come
up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother
has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I
know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

In Church One Day...

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass

Uncle Mustache!

Much as I hate to admit it, Ahmadinejad does have a point.  We are diligently trying to keep other countries from having what we already have.  While I don't want Iran or any other country to have a nuclear capability, we are self appointed as the policing country, AND that probably isn't right.  I would still hate for Iran to get the capability- AND I don't believe that they just want the capability to generate electric power.

Here's a deal- a tax break for growing a mustache ! (Uncle Mustache (Sam)).  

Tips for Moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

New Definitions...

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

A woman is stopped for speeding...

Officer-"Can I see your license and registration"

Woman-"Well, my license is suspended, there is no registration 'cause the car is stolen, in my trunk I have 10 kilos of cocaine, a ton of illegal handguns and a dead body."

Officer goes to his cruiser and calls for back-up.A few minutes later... back-up arrives

Officer #2- "Ma'am please step out of your car and open your trunk.

The woman walks around to the rear of her vehicle and opens the trunk. The trunk is empty and spotless.The assisting officer looks confused.

Woman- "Is there a problem officer?"

Officer #2- "Well ma'am, the first officer reported that your license is suspended, the car was stolen, and that there was drugs, weapons, and a dead body in the trunk."

Woman- " That LIAR!!! I'll bet that he said that I was speeding too!!!

Licking our wounds...back to work tomorrow...

Well I've had enough yard work today.  We bagged another ten trash bags. It's actually quite amazing considering we couldn't see any of the stuff we bagged before I trimmed the vines on the fence.

Last night we watched Young Victoria and It's Complicated.  They were both entertaining, but I think Young Victoria lost something plot-wise.  It's Complicated was dry at times and other times, hilarious!

For the rest of the day, we both tried very hard not to do anything!

A young blond female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW.  
It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the 
office had one.  She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps 
an MG convertible.
  That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible.  It was wonderfully restored and she fell 
in love with it's gorgeous red paint work.  An empty check stub later
and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her 
beautiful new car.  Her long blond hair was flowing in the wind, 
music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
  Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the 
car slowly coasted to a stop.  She got out and lifted the bonnet and 
concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what
was wrong.  Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick 
phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow 
van pull up behind her.
  "That's a lovely car," says the mechanic.  "What seems to be the
matter?"
  Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
  "Let me have look."  He set to work and ten minutes later the engine
was purring like a cat again.
  "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?"
  "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
  Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have 
to do that?"

A pastor was visiting an elderly lady who was a "shut in." Since 
she didn't get very many visitors, she went on incessantly about 
her problems while the pastor nibbled on some peanuts on the coffee 
table in front of him.  After about a half hour, and with his 
endurance almost expended, he politely interrupted, explaining that 
he had other appointments that afternoon and said, "I'm afraid 
I've eaten most of your peanuts while I was listening and I would 
like to leave you a couple of dollars so that you can get some more."
  "No," replied the woman, "With my dentures I can't chew them. It's 
all I can do just to suck the chocolate off them."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just 
talking 'girl' talk.
  Emma:  My word Matilda!  You and Johnny were married for quite some 
time.  How many years was that anyway?
  Matilda:  Oh, we were married for 65 wondrous years.
  Emma:  My-oh-my-oh-my!  But can you tell me in all that time did 
you two ever have mutual orgasm?
  Matilda:  I don't think so.  I believe we had State Farm.

The idiocy continues...and we all pay the price.

Once again I am amazed at the innate stupidity of the bureaucrats.  Apparently BP did not want to spend extra monies to include safeguards at Deepwater to keep leaks like the current one from happening.  The Gubmint idiots (we elected them didn't we) decided that it was unnecessary to require those safeguards.  After all, the oil companies are well aware of what safeguards are necessary.  We will then just go with their best practices and approve the well.  Wellll, we have all seen how well that worked.  Apparently they included some kind of emergency shut-off of the well, but have no idea why it is not working and NO, they never tried it out to see if it really works.  Chalk up another victory to the Gubmint.  The oil company will pay to fix the well, and to clean up the environment, and the fine.  After the dust settles, who do you think will be paying through the nose to the oil companies (I do mean plural) to pay for all of this "extra expense" ?  First it will just be BP (ARCO) that will have higher prices, then the other oil companies will join in- just because they can, since they have us in a corner for energy.  Our only recourse is to become independent of their products.

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest
son Yitzak...

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell
me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her
name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm very, very happy," says the son..

"OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both,"
replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining
sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening.

"Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...

"What is her name?," implores the father.

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, Father."

"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.
"Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah,
marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children
in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.

The very next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and
exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring!"

"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy!  "Praise God! Praise the
Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor
Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"

"No," says Chutzpah.

"Hmmm," says ! Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter
Rachel from Beverly Hills?"

"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...

"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most handsome son?"

"Whoopi."

Inventions By Blondes

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

Wal-Mart customers will soon be able to sample a new discount item–Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 – $5 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, “There is a large market for cheap wine,” said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at R. Williams University in Bristol, R.I. “The right name is definitely important.”
So, here we go…The TOP 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine…
12) Chateau Traileur Parc
11) White Trashfindel
10) Big Red Gulp
9) Grape Expectations
8) Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”
7) NASCARbernet
6) Chef Boyardeaux
5) Peanut Noir
4) Chateau des Moines
3) I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2) World Championship Riesling
And the # 1 suggested name for Wal-Mart Wine…
1) Nasti Spumante