Comicless Entry.... [REPAIRED}

Well it appears as thought the new AZ law on immigration is having the effects that it wanted.  Mexico has declared a travel ban for visiting AZ unless it is an emergency- and carry papers at all time.  The Feds are looking at the law to see if it is constitutional or not.  All the states are aware of it and are wondering if AZ is doing what the Feds should be.  I'd say that even if it is repealed, it has served its purpose.


Sittin' here looking out the window waiting for the rain to begin.  It is lightly drizzling and cold enough to be uncomfortable.

Thought we were planning to go to Disneyland for a visit, but I found out it is $87 to get in as a park hopper.  It is $62 just to get in to one!  I was shocked and blown away by that ridiculous price.

Sorry there won't be any comics today.  Something changed on Blogspot and for some reason I can't put them in.  Hopefully it will be fixed soon.....  [Enough people complained, that it was changed to "working again".
 

Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,'

she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself'

And that's when the fight started...

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend...  I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said,

'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....

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THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf.  Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 "I'm so tired of exercising. I think five thousand sit-ups should
be pretty much permanent. You should be at home, you're on your
last and final jumping jack, and you get that phone call,
"Congratulations! You have completed the exercise portion of your
life. Welcome to the incessant eating section."
 - Jann Karam

May Gray....

So what is going on with this winder weather in May ?  It is not May Gray or early June Gloom;  it is just plain cold.  And what is with the rain every week ?  What happened to Spring ?  We have lot's of flowers in bloom and fruit coming on the trees, but if it stays cold, they will all die and fall off.

We saw Crazy Heart and Pirate Radio over the weekend.  I liked Crazy Heart and thought that Jeff Bridges was perfectly cast for the part.  We could see why he won Best Actor.  Pirate Radio, on the other hand, while filled with great music, lack plot depth and a complete story.  It is a shame, really.

Dog Pet Peeves
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)

 5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.

 7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Foggy SUN Foggy DAY

After yesterday's foray into front yard maintenance, I was ready to take today off.  Terre had a different idea: to work in the back yard.  After cutting back a large vine on the fence behind the fruit trees, we raked and bagged umpteen (really nine) large trash bags and two trash cans full.  I guess that corner of the yard really did need some love.  Now the fruit trees have less competition for sun and the corner looks fresh and clean.  We are both aching and I have splinters in my hands.  Will the fun never cease...

It was a bit strange today (at least for this time of the year), foggy at both ends with sunny in the middle!

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine,
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had.

Johnny replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid
in the world. It's called 'turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the
world, is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

Johnny replied, 'You take some of this turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. 

George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No.'
Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be
along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
(True Story)
 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3 She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A**" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

Beast on the block...

Well the Beast is going on the net for sale, as soon as I get my act together and create an ad.  For anyone that is interested, check out the pics ( Click! ).  I spent most of the day (and most of my energy) working in the yard.  We have moved, rearranged and re-planted almost everything in the front yard and part of the back.  I have to admit that it looks very nice and by the end of the summer, it will look great.

Comparative Religions:
Taoism                    Shit happens

Confucianism         Confucius say, 'Shit happens'

Buddhism               Shit happening is an illusion

Islam                       Shit happening is the will of Allah

Zen                          What is the sound of shit happening

Hinduism                 This shit happened before

Protestant               Let shit happen to someone else

Catholicism             Shit happens because you don't work hard enough

Judaism                  Why does this shit always happen to us?

Christian Science  If shit happens, pray and it will go away

Atheism                  Shit happens for no reason

Agnostic                 Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't

Hare Krishna          Shit happens, shit happens, shit-shit happens

Stoicism                  So shit happens. I can take it

Scientology            Feces occurs

Rastafarianism      Let's smoke this shit and see what happens

Jehovah Witness  Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

You Might Be A Redneck
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

T.G.I.F.F.

Thank God It's FINALLY Friday!

Isn't it amazing that in this day and age that the driving force in the lead to better technologies is not the space race or cancer research, but instead a better porn experience on the internet!  What a world we live in.

Isn't interesting how Government Motors has repaid the Government (GM In Hot Water)?  Because they went through a Government bankruptcy, they screwed all their suppliers.   Since the Government gave them $58 billion, of which $8 billion is a repayable loan, AND they didn't need the money to pay anybody, they just put it in the bank.  So while the ads all paint Government Motors as being GOOD GUYS for repaying the loans to the Government, they are not telling you that 1) they screwed all their suppliers (which cost jobs and higher prices) and 2) they kept the non-repayable portion of the Government money ($50 billion + the interest) and 3) their cars are no better than they were before the bankruptcy and 4) they aren't selling any more cars than they did before, and most importantly 5) the tax payers (otherwise known as the car buying public or consumers) are left to repay the $50 billion within the expanded deficit.  So when you think about buying a Government Motors car, I think you should fuggedaboutit!  We already are paying for the cars, but we don't get to use them.  This is a REALLY good deal for a company that "was too big to fail", even though Government Motors is too stupid to succeed- unless they turn another great deal from the Government.  It reminds me of a crying kid running to their parents screaming that it (the competition) was unfair, begging them to do something- anything- as long as it allows them to win!

Here is a supposedly true story someone found regarding exams at
Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day
a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring
him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that
you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred
year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally
in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough
translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and
Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the
student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping
away.

Three weeks later, after a careful perusal of the old document,
the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the
examination.

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately
swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and
says,

"Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time.
Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special
reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're
going to grant you anything you wish even before you enter
Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the
Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should
approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say,

"Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have
studied everything I could about you and followed your life as
best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever
made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with
a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered
what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Honestly?" she asked, with a little pained grimace on her face.
"Well.... I was really hoping for a girl."

 

Pondering old age

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden-so I've heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
And I'm happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.

But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life's competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the "obits".
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Poker Frenzy!

Work, work, work.  Too much work and no play make me boring.  Tomorrow night my house will be buzzing with dealers and replete with all the makings of poker heaven.  It has been way too long since the last game, and I'm sure that I won't get enough.  Why is it so amusing and even therapeutic to exercise one's wits and bluffing capabilities?

Two Jewish guys, Goldman and Hirschberg are talking one morning.

"I  h-h-h-have  a  j-j-j-job  inter-r-r-veiw  t-t-t-today," says
Goldman.

"Really? What kind of job?" asks Hirschberg.

"I'm  au-au-au-audition-n-n-ning  to  b-b-b-e  an  anoun-n-n-ncer
a-a-a-a-t  a  r-r-r-radio  st-st-st-station," stammers Goldman

"I hope it goes well," replies Hirschberg.

Later that day they meet again. Hirschberg asks,

"How did your interview go?"

"N-n-n-not  g-g-g-g-good, th-th-those  r-r-racist ba-ba-bastards
d-d-d-d-don't h-h-h-h-hire j-j-j-j-jews."

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.

Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."

The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.

The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was
very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and
consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw
her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a
woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing
shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make
bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me,
the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very
proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.
And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners
couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would
do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the
chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to
become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all,
something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle
to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some
apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way
that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was
communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil
like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but,
being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I
was great shakes at-- and forgot that I had succeeded in
situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a
terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way
through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time
to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only
called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres,
trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps
even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a
savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she
was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently.

The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at
length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave
at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me.

To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and
have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she
has requited it.

_

5 m.p.h. Bumpers....

Dropped off Terre's car this morning to get a new bumper.  It sure seems like we have taken a wrong turn somewhere in philosophy.  At one point, I believe that a car was supposed to sustain a 5 m.p.h. crash without any damage.  I was moving at about 1 m.p.h. backwards when I hit the brick planter, yet it will cost $1400 to replace the plastic "skin" on Terre's bumper (luckily I really only pay the insurance deductible).  The plastic is so soft and being painted, there is no way that you can escape from damage if a bird hits your bumper at 20 m.p.h.  This doesn't totally sound correct....

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

---

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

You Might Be A Redneck If:

---

• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
• You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
• You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
• You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Learn how ta Speak Redneck 
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!"

CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: "Pa dun had a hot attack." HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred."

SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" "He's ovair, suh."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - Seen, past tense.
VIEW - Have You?
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:"Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Big Bucks!

You know what, sometimes I feel that I work way too hard for the money and recognition I get.  That is probably a very common feeling.  To be honest, if I weren't so happy to have a job- a good job; I'd probably be complaining a lot more.  Meanwhile, what I did do was to print myself a picture of a dollar bill-, over-sized.  The next time someone came in my office and said, "That's why you make the big bucks...", I showed him the one I made and put on the wall for all to see.  They didn't understand what I meant, and I cordially explained to them that nobody, but nobody gives me the big bucks, I HAVE to make 'em myself!

Why do we love children?
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

Many Uses For The Word Shit!!
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. (do we know someone like this????)

Sometimes you just plain ole get "the shits".

With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shinola.

Other people just have a Shit eatin' grin on their face all of the time.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit's creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

Holy Shit!! Thanks for letting me shoot the shit with you!

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.

This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senior, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

No blues today...

It was an okay day today.  When I got home I received an email that my Aunt Rose died.  I Liked her a lot.I haven't seen my cousins for a long, long time...


I saw a piece on the net about a new third generation iPhone today.  It looked very interesting, and supposedly will be for sale by summer- and it will have the multi-tasking OS.  I guess they are really getting their act together now with the sales that they have had, not to mention the iPad.

People might think you are a Redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house 
The ASPCA raids your kitchen. 
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. 
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. 
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. 
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. 
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. 
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. 
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. 
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard. 
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu. 
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. 
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. 
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. 
You think cur is a breed of dog. 
People hear your car long before they see it. 
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. 
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. 
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. 
You bring your dog to work with you. 
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. 
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape. 
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. 
Your masseuse uses lard. 
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. 
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D. 

 
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks."
I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today." 

Chili, Texas style !!!

Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield , IL ) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting #####-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.  


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report  

I day-dreamed for a dog's life today...

Nice to see my daughter for the weekend- maybe for thirty minutes other than the drive back to Oxy.  Who did she REALLY come home to see ?

Watched "The Blind Side" last night.   I liked it, even though it was a feel good movie- it is a true story.  Sandra Bullock was very good (looks great as a blond). I liked her in that kind of role.  Was it a "Best Actress" performance ?  I couldn't say, since the Academy Awards are political awards.  So if the politics were right....

 

One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
 

 
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire
as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night,

Mildred was admitted to the hospital

with a gunshot wound to her knee....

A lady found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some "Nair."
At the register, the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week".

Paradigm-itis!

Are paradigms shifting in general or as I age, is my paradigm shifting, or both ?   Used to be that gas stations were "service" stations and you went there for more than gas.  Used to be that there were do-it-yourself auto supplies sold everywhere as many people did their own car maintenance.  Maybe you found a good mechanic that you could trust, or maybe you took your car to the dealer while the car was on the warranty, and then it became easier to just continue.  I used to go to a butcher for meat, and market for all the rest.  Now I go to Costco for meat and a market for all the rest. (Hard to find a butcher or mechanic...or a "service" station.)

Why has someone else decided that we should all shift our paradigms ?  If we were still buying cassette tapes or CDs for music, isn't that profitable enough?  Why do we always have to switch to some new technology which switches out paradigm.  Is it always better ?  Do I really need 3-D TV at home ?  Do I really need to read books on a reader ?  Is iPad going to force the paradigm away from printed media in favor of electronic media ?  Why is this better ?  While I'm laying in a hammock with the latest novel on my iPad, will I be tempted away to visit my email or play the latest game ?  Must every moment of my conscious existence be dealing with a data stream fed from a "firehose" ?  How do I relax anymore ?  Even "getting away" isn't totally, anymore.  When I go for a drive, I just want to hear the purr of the engine- not the ring of my cell phone or the whir of a hybrid.  Where is "fun" anymore ? 


So I'm reading about Goldman-Sachs in the paper today and wondering how this whole scheme is allowed.  We are all aware that gambling is illegal  in the U.S. (except on Indian lands and in Nevada and other minor exceptions, but generally it is illegal).  When a person buys stock, the gamble here is that the value of the stock will increase and then it can be sold at a profit.  That I can understand.  What I don't understand is why I can legally buy "shorts" at a particular value and  bet that the stock (or investment vehicle) will go down (i.e. fail), and then I make a profit.  It doesn't seem logical that I can make money on something that failed.  


Perhaps, at a racetrack, I could buy a "short" on a horse and win if the horse doesn't ?  This is all very confusing and somehow doesn't SOUND legal, but apparently it is.  The only thing that I can't do is sell stock to another investor and tell him that it is a wonderful investment, but behind his back (because I know it is a bad investment), buy a short on it.  This way, I profit from the sale AND I profit when the purchase fails.  No wonder I'm always making a profit, but with a lack of integrity.

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for
new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new
suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were
not black. They were sort of dark gray maybe, but not black. We
need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the
darkest black cloth there is."

Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this
cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In
all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "there
is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nuns' habits from. It
is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"

A few weeks later the two Hassidim were walking down the street
in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, Yacov
went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up
against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something
to his friend and they both walked on.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.

"I don't know," she replied, "he looked at my garment, said
something in Latin, and left."

"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?"

He said, "Marcus Pincus Fuctus".

Two five year old boys

are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Aaaaat Last..........

As usual, I came away from Fringe last night with more questions than answers.  For example, if Walter has the answer to how to make time travel work, why didn't he go back in time to save his dying son, instead of jumping to an alternate reality and stealing his son's alter ego ?  Still a great show, and who knows, that may get explained in four or five more episodes.


Tori is taking the Amtrak back home tonight.  Hopefully, this is a good experience.

  

On Palm Sunday the family's 6 year old son

had to stay home due to strep throat. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for.

His mother explained,"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it, "the boy fumed. "The one sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"

 

Sure fire pick up lines from Bubba & Cooter

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines", brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. Enjoy!

1) Did you fart?>
Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
Cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help
me find him? I think he went inta this cheap
motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

OLDER SOLDIERS

I'm over 50 now (well over) and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission.

"My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!"
"Where's the remote control?" 

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink.

An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old goats with attitudes. 

Pilot Wisdom
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena AFB, Japan.)

You've never been lost, until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. ---From an old carrier sailor

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", and "Where are we?"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)



A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules. Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."