A hard week ends...

Hard to get started today.  I guess I'm burned out from the week's anguish...  Went for a walk with Terre and Max, but Terre had an allergic reaction and broke out in hives.  We are back home now and she is recovering.


Tori and Aidan went for a bike ride (must be a holiday)!  Stay tuned for results (and blisters/sunburn) .


We are scheduled to go to a birthday party later.  We shall see what happens.

How quickly the people of Santa Ynez Valley forget about all the good fortune that the Chumash bring them.  A big deal was made that Fess Parker's estate sold them a parcel of land.  Nobody knows what they intend to do with it, and certainly if they wanted to make another casino, they would have to go through the Federal process of annexation to the Reservation.  What would REALLY be cool, is if they WOULD build another casino, and turn the current one over to the valley as a convention and event center.  I wouldn't put the Chumash beyond that generosity, as it would benefit both camps.

Those of you fueling the iPad frenzy are doing your damnedest to empower the market and eventually cause Apple to lower their prices and offer more capabilities for less.  Thank you!

I am beginning to be discouraged by the lack of comments that I get on this blog considering I know that at least ten people follow it.  Since I have a birthday this month, I will probably continue through the end of the month without encouragement- but I certainly would like to hear something!

 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
Pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing And further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard...

"No doctor but the song you were whistling was...
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

 

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven , they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is the holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, "Blondes," and banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Wrong," and he banished her to Hell.
St. Peter looked at the third blonde and said, "OK ... tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter was impressed. "Verrrrry good," he said.
The blonde continued, "Now every year, they roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.

Scam targeting older men

Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Dollar General and the Dollar Store and bought them out.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's and Home Depot. 

Progeny Makes Holiday Visit!

 YAY! Tori is home for the weekend!!!  I survived the April Fool jokes undamaged.  In fact, they called me at work and said that my new computer was ready, but I thought it was a joke!


Checked out the Goleta Pier at lunch today and it was just gorgeous- not even windy!  I will have to return soon.  There were birdwatchers all about and the slough was full of interesting avian critters. Also, there were about six artists making paintings or drawings of the slough.  That was also very interesting.


This was my manager's last day as a manager, as he is going into semi-retirement and I get a new on starting next week.  Things could be very interesting....

Meanwhile I'm looking forward to the holiday weekend and then taking Tori back to school on Sunday....

Conversion table.

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant
conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its
Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here are some other useful conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year

Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon

1000 pains
1 kiloahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower

10 cards:
1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
1 I.V. League

100 Senators:
Not 1 decision

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.


What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.

9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.

April Fool !!!

  

In Dublin, California a new call center lie detecting software called SMART Assured Self Service (SMART ASS) solution has been introduced. The new software intercepts customers who lie to call center representatives cutting down on wasted calls, man hours and overtaxed equipment.
In fact, when SMART ASS catches a customer in a lie (or call center representative) an automated voice blurts out "You can't handle the truth!" This proprietary software has saved Fortune 500 companies from across the nation hundreds of thousands of dollars in wasted calls.

Well, it's been a long time coming and a lot of planning from around the world, but today at 11:59 am UTC the Internet will be rebooted. So, set your clock and reboot your system exactly on time.
If you don't do it, your ISP will do this for you. Expect your system to be down for one minute or perhaps longer. This worldwide blackout of the Internet will help restore order as many connections have gotten sluggish over time and this will aid in speeding up your connections.

In Switzerland tourism is something they take seriously along with watches, cheese and chocolate. What very few people realize is that there is a dedicated team of Swiss mountain cleaners who keep the bird poop, dirt, dust and grime off of the Alps and all of the other mountains in Switzerland.

These Swiss mountain cleaners are armed with brooms, mountain climbing equipment, water, cleaners, rope, helmets and are lead by the watchful eyes of the team leader. The mountain cleaners will scale the rocky cliffs to where the reported bird poop lay and clean it off quickly.
They may even pull out their ropes and floss a crevice or two. And upon each peak of the mountain they will pull out a ShamWow and give a good polish to the top.

In a stunning and unexpected move, American Airlines has just announced that they will replace transatlantic service from the U. S. with zero emission zeppelins. The AA zeppelins will be completely solar powered and are manufactured from recycled parts meaning a low carbon footprint as well.
The LZ-2 airships as they are being called involve 25 years of development by Boeing and its partner company. The maiden flight of the American Airlines zeppelin was from New York to Helsinki, Finland and it was made without incident.
The AA zeppelin is considered a luxury airliner as it has a restaurant, bar and 18-hole Frisbee golf course. Oh, the humanity!

 Wonder where she bought that t-shirt ?

Waaaaay Interesting Day

Today was waaaaay interesting.  First it was supposed to rain, and it looked like it was going to this morning.  Then the wind kicked up and it got sunny.  Now it is getting cold again and it is supposed to hail and thundershower tonight.  Weird weather!


I must have had a standing lineup of five people that wanted a piece of me most of the day.  My time card looked like a checkerboard.  I guess Pete and I miss Mike a bit.  We certainly have way too much work for two of us.  I guess that is good in these days the way they are.  It just seems as though I couldn't get any one thing done because there were so many interruptions.  I wish it were more funny or interesting, but I am really looking forward to tomorrow- April Fool's Day!

This is a video of an act from 1944 - a sister act called the Ross Sisters.

The song they sing is about 45 seconds long but what they do next.........is amazing?    1944 America' Got Talent

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
 
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." 

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." 

Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Fluctuations

I was at the bank today; there was a short line There was just one lady in front of me,an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated... She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "fluctuations."


The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Still Remnants of Winter Out There

It's getting REALLY cold outside, but then we are spoiled with Spring weather here.  New England is getting flooded out with rain and more rain.  We went to take the dog for a walk and it felt like winter.  Tomorrow it is supposed to rain here.  Aren't we supposed to be getting warm rain in the Spring ?


I noticed that there are over 1100 cities and towns vying for Google's attention.  Goleta missed its chance, if it ever had one.  I sent the new with a link to Edhat, but for some reason this must be OLD NEWS so they didn't publish it.


I am getting a return chance at fighting a cold, and it is starting with a runny nose and aches.

I noticed in the news that Geely of China is in the process of buying Volvo.  I wonder what that means for Sweden and Volvo.  Will it continue to be made in Sweden with their high costs of manufacture, or be farmed out to China and then shipped back to Sweden.  Either way, it will be interesting.  I'm still waiting for Chrysler dealers to begin selling Fiats, if they can.

The Meaning of Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

my Dog

This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.

He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care,and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first check Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

All the things my mother taught me:

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Monday at its Best!

Today was way fun.  I spent almost the entire day with Pete installing test software.  The best part of the day was walking there and back!  Later on, Terre and I and Max went for a walk on the bluffs.  It was amazingly beautiful except for frequent fly attacks.  Terre got one up her nose and couldn't get rid of the tickle.

In today's mail Tori received the latest copy of "Baby Talk for New Mothers".  I immediately got her on chat and straightened out that possibility.  Obviously, she managed to get on some strange mailing list.

BTW, you'll notice that I have three Zits cartoons in this entry. That is intentional to honor my son Ev that shares almost all of Jeremy's traits!

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version: 

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. 

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 

1. Liberals, and 
2. Conservatives. 

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement... 

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. 

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. 

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),    but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. 

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, Truck drivers,lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. 

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 

Here ends today's lesson in world history: 

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. 

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off. 

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

New Hallmark Cards

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it. She moved in with me.

You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?

Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful as you.....
have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After meeting you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here
to ruin it for me.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.

As I grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like
to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married.... but not to you.

Happy Birthday! you look great for your age... almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broke up.... I think it's time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time... what say we call it
quits.

I'm so miserable without you.... It's like you are still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Any idea who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think
of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday... so we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in Alabama and Arkansas)

A man who picked up several items at a discount store for his wife. When he finally got up to the checker, he learned that one of his items had no price tag. Imagine his embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently understood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU. POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
 

Taxes and Tuition- yuk!

Today wasn't my favorite day.  We all have to go through the traditional dragging of one's feet when we get close to April.  Today I paid the property taxes on three properties and our Federal Income Taxes. This coming week is the last (?) monthly payment to Occidental for Tori's tuition.  What happens when you get beyond broke ?

The plan this weekend was to get all the Vette's stuff together to photograph it to put an ad in Hemmings.  I never got there.  To much to do, and when we did most of it, we are now too tired to do anything else...  such is my life.


I remember when my family was so proud that they bought me a hammock.  I don't think I ever got to use it but once.  The dog would always beat me to it.  By then the poles were rusty and the hammock fabric had rotted away from sun damage.  I hauled the poles to the dump.  Whenever I suggest a pair of palm trees for the backyard in any house we've lived in, I get the usual "What for?".  So essentially, we have never had two trees  (which don't rust) in the correct proximity to use for a hammock.  It probably wouldn't matter, as nobody would leave me alone long enough to take a nap or read a book- anyway.


I feel as though I am aging faster and faster.  I won't get to enjoy my "golden" years as I'll still be busting my butt to keep everyone happy and the bills paid.  My kids don't seem to notice.  They don't have time for me anymore.  Everett's friend have always been a higher priority than his family.  Tori is just stretching her wings and is very busy, but still doesn't have time for me when she visits home.  Brett is always nice, but now he has a demanding job and will be going back to school for an MBA.


Maybe this is what every family goes through and is a way to prepare the kids to be sufficient without their parents.  It certainly gives me more impetus to leave California and live somewhere less expensive and more interesting.

Woe is me!  I will have another birthday in two weeks.  I guess that is only better than not-

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another
and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the
better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an
hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do
you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going
so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The
woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his
point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited
her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better - your ear or your finger?"

Ali G's version of the bible
Check it !   'ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100
years old.

It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It
have no pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well
boring. It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New
Testicle, wot is happarently religious and people 'ave been
fighting for millions of years about which testicle is da best.

Anyway, about 2 billion years ago dis bloke called Moses went up
a mountain in Spain and dropped two tablets. Dey must have been
class A's coz he came down wiv some seriously mental ideaz. Dey
was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13 laws dat has been da
basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad to learn them
altho very few of dem hactually practisd dem an dat is why dey
died of de Aids an also why Jurassic Park appened. Ere is wot dey
say (not de dinosaurs hobviously coz dey spoke in Dog). Also I
has remixed dem for da new millenimum.

Da old Commandments:
I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt,
out of the house of bondage.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.
On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not bear false witness.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass.

Da New Commandments:
I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire,
u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it, me is well into bondage.
Westside.
Do not dis Tupac.
Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold
de jungle all-nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath - 5 squid
on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
Respec your Nan.
Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
Thou shalt not deal.
Thou shalt not wear false titties.
Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz a minger).

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . ..
but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel? 
When you call the front desk and say,  " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ....... 
"Go ahead."


Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder: 
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records

A new Redneck law was just recently passed: 
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins. 
  
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down? 
'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . ... . up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.' 
 
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Gotny I.D. ? ' . . 
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?' 

Karaoke Ole!

Last night was fun.  We went out to dinner with Ev and his long-time friend Craig and then to the Tiburon Tavern for karaoke night.  Many of Ev's friends showed up and the whole place (as small as it is) rocked!  The mix of clientele and how they let-go at the microphone has got to be an interesting cultural study that deserves some future analysis and maybe even a documentary.  At any rate, it was really good to see Ev having such a good time and to meet all his really nice friends.  

Today we took Max over to the D.A.W.G. adoption place (that he came from) to visit the people that work there.  I think he was taking us to show off in front of the other dogs!

Baskin Robbins New Ice Cream Flavor
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" 

Happy Birthday Ev!

Today is a much better day for at least three reasons: 1) It is Ev's birthday, 2) all appears to be well in Texas, and 3) IT"S FRIDAY!

On my way home I stopped at Home Desperate and bought twelve bags of topsoil for this weekend's activities.  Fun, fun, and more fun! 


I've been having delusions of grandeur.  I thought someone in my project would thank us for our  recent major accomplishments, but I guess we've now figured out that if you do extraordinarily well you get to stay on the project, and if you don't- you get fired!

 Two medical students were  walking between classes when they saw an old man on the sidewalk ahead of  them walking strangely.  He was walking slowly and stiff-legged and  his legs were spread further apart than normal.

 One student said to his  friend:  "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.  Those  people walk just like that."

 The other student says:   "No, I don't think so.  The old man surely has Zovitzki  Syndrome.  He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned  in class."
 
 Since they couldn't agree they  decided to ask the old man.  They approached him and one of the  students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice  the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.    Would you tell us what it is?"
 
 The old man said, "I'll tell  you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students  think."
 
 The first student said, "I  think it's Peltry Syndrome."
 
 The old man said, "You thought  - but you are wrong."
 
 The other student said, "I  think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
 
 The old man said, "You thought  - but you are wrong.."
 
 So they asked him, "Well, old  timer, what do you have?"
 
 The old man said, "I thought  it was GAS -- but I was wrong, too!" 

Reminds me of those great words of advice : "Never trust a fart!"

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

No Wednesday Entry-- HAZMAT Visit

Well, I have finally resolved myself to the facts (tough to swallow) that I will have to part with my Vette.  I will get together the information and pictures for the ad ASAP and it will go on Hemmings.  Things are getting way out of hand and the real estate business is not helping at all...


Today is Mike's last day at work (for a while).  Contractor's have to take a three month hiatus every eighteen months.  However Mike is moving to RayTech and hopefully can return in ten day or so.  The reason I bring this up is that we have acquired the attention of the VPs and now I am supposed to support Mike's stuff as well as mine.  So people around here are beginning to come to the realization that there will be a learning curve

I got home, after doing a little shopping, at about 6:00 to see numerous big white trucks and derricks at the end of my street.  There were also HAZMAT guys running all around in white suits!  I had to get my groceries into the house so I could investigate.  Just then my neighbor ran out of his house to tell me that we have only twenty minutes left before the power was going down until past midnight.  Holy crap, what was going on?  I brought my groceries in and told Terre what was going on.  Obviously this changes our plans to cook dinner in the "electric" oven.  We had some soup on the gas cooktop and just then the power went off.  We decided to go for a walk with the dog and then to a movie.  While out, we asked the guys that were working what was going on.  Apparently during a regular inspection, several of the transformers in our neighborhood of 43 homes were leaking.  These must have PCB-based cooling oil in them or the HAZMAT crew wouldn't be there.  Each one that they replaced was summarily wrapped in Tyvec and placed into a special environmental truck.  The Edison guy in charge told me that the equipment that our developer installed was junk and shouldn't have to be replaced within only eight years of use.  He was concerned that the chemical reaction of this oil with air releases methane and would cause them to become explosive.  Consequently, we did not have power back until around midnight.


The movie we went to see was "She's Out Of My League" and it was pretty good and very funny!

Two Germans are walking down the street. One of them is notorious
for his prejudice against Italians. Yet when he sees an Italian
organ grinder with a monkey, he throws $20 into the monkey's hat.

His friend is surprised.

"But people have been telling me for years how much you hated
Italians, and here you go and do that."

To which the guy replies,

"Well, I couldn't help myself, they're so cute when they're
little."

                Maxine Sums Up The New Health Care Bill - 2010 . . . .  Let me get this straight. We're going to be gifted with a health care plan written by committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, to be signed by a president who also hasn't read it and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What the hell could possibly go wrong?