Downhill beyond the Ides....

I have heard from more than handful of you that have been reading my blog.  Apparently you people like what you read, but I don't understand why you don't post your comments at the bottom of each entry.  Please do, so I can enjoy reading them.
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Thank goodness we are now passed the Ides of March.  Yesterday was not good, as all hell broke loose in Texas over the weekend.  We are trying to put the pieces back together today still.

Meanwhile, I see in the Times that Verizon FIOS is assaulting the market- heavily.  The bad publicity of Times-Warner raising their prices again will certainly cause consumers to jump to the other service.  I wish there was some competition here....

I just heard that ATK is laying off another twenty former Mission Research people.  Too bad, they were a good crew.  Good luck to 'em.

Meanwhile the city of Santa Barbara sits back and contemplates what they can do to attract tourists, the only industry left around here.  Remember those Australian tourists that were turned away from every motel they stopped at in ole SB because they only wanted a one night stay, and they all had minimum two or more nights.  What will the motels do when the tourists stop coming here because it is not a nice place to visit anymore ?  We, unfortunately, are about to face a serious downturn in quality-of-life here because the "spending" public will be moving away to where there are jobs.  Can anyone remember the last new houses or businesses that were built in SB ??  How about the last company that moved here and brought their employees with them ?

 
Father Joseph went up to Father Patrick one afternoon and said,
"I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go
out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Patrick was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and
everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see
our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town,
we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress
just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Patrick, and they went out
that night and partied like professionals.
When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Patrick's face became pale.
"I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess
this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you I thought this all out
in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the
confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and
you absolve me. Then I'll go put on my garments, you come in and
confess, and I'll absolve you."
Patrick was amazed at Joe's brilliance.
So Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive
me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and
last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal
knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to
wicked music."
Patrick answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I
be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be
absolved of your sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Patrick came in and
confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and
Joseph answered,
"I don't believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest?
You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your
money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your
knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll
discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"What? " Father Patrick was shocked. "What about our agreement?"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I
take my job seriously."

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and
make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she
decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied,
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of
them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.

Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go
into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily,
and Saturday night went to town.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand, finally two thirty, in came the hired hand. The
rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called
him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my boots."

He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said,

"Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!!"

I THINK SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

Returned Tori to school yesterday.  I haven't figured out why we can get there in an hour and a half, and it seems as though it is a three hour return trip!  Maybe Max whining was the reason.  It was like having a baby-on-board!


Today was horrendously busy at work, and I wanted to get a lot more done, but it didn't happen.

What about that Prius that doesn't test out as defective.  I can't figure out why the driver would fake the whole incident.  Especially since he called 911 and was corralled by a CHP. What would he gain ?  If they prove him a liar, he could be charged with "exhibition of speed" or "(W)Reckless endangerment" or "(W)Reckless driving".  None of them sound good.  I hope the evaluators of his car were independent and not employees of Toyota!

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
 - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
 - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
 - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
 - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
 - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?"
 - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
 - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?"
 - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head
 - JFK, 1963

And, the Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...

"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
 - Bill Clinton, 1997

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

With longer days (minus the Chili earthquake adjustment) and Many Flowers: Spring

If you are interested in Google coming to our area, here is the link to the story: Google Story  and to show interest: Option in.

Beautiful day today, but I spent most of it on the L.A. freeway!  I wish we had gotten to spend more quality time together. Tori has only been gone hours and the house seems empty.



One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter
asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and
in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very
slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.

"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.

"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.

"I hope to find my son" said the man

"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will
you find him?"

"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,"
states the old man.

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says,

"Father???"


The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

In Order Of Stupidity...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

Has Spring Sprung ?

Today, I had the privilege of visiting many markets to do shopping for guests tonight, AND for Tori to return back to school tomorrow.  I also removed the battery from my Vette and ventured forth to purchase a replacement.  Because of the clamp frame that the Vette has, the battery has to be the same size.  I bought one that was exactly the same size, but (not until I got home) had a ledge on the outside that a handle was attached too.  I had to cut it away to fit in the frame.  Why aren't there standards for things like batteries ?


About a year after we moved into this house, I went around and replaced all the nine-volt batteries in the smoke alarms.  Of course, I bought the best brand (because Costco sells them in bulk).  One of the smoke alarms shorted out and continued to beep.  The units are powered from house wiring as well as battery backup.  At any rate, the inside of the unit was fried.  Apparently, the "copper-top" brand is a smidge shorted than standard, allowing it to be inserted backwards.  When I contacted the smoke alarm manufacturer to get a replacement, they particularly mentions NOT to use the "copper-top" brand for that reason.  So here is an example of an item that has a de-facto standard size, and the largest manufacturer decides to change that standard.  It sure seems that all nine-volt batteries should be the same, but they are not.


.
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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Competition: The lifeblood of free enterprise!

Why is it that we don't allow any competition for Cox Cable ?  It seems that each time it comes up, its charter is renewed as sole source.  Cox is (again) raising its prices without (apparent) benefit to its subscribers.  One would think that digital operations should allow prices to decline.  Also, because of its tiered subscriptions, the users are subsidizing channels that they don't watch or wish to subscribe to.  When is Cox going to allow a true smorgasbord of select-what-you-want and pay accordingly ?  They have been promising that to us for years- and they did say "It will be easier, once we are digital!".  IMHO, we are getting the runaround while their pockets are overflowing.  We need competition on the south coast!

Remember when a one time charge of $100 for a ten-foot antenna on your roof would get you thirteen stations for free ?  Now we all pay about that much each month to get 100+ stations, even though we only watch about thirteen!

 

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' 

True Story...

P was going up to my hotel room in Vegas last week, not really paying attention, and as the elevator door started to close I ran to it as fast as I could, sticking my arm through to get it to open back up.

My arm went right in the door and I hit an old lady right in the breasts!!

I didn't know what to say, so I got flustered and said:
"Ma'am, I sincerely apologize to you. And I know that if your heart is as soft as your lovely bosom, you will be able to forgive me."

She looked me up and down and said:
"Sonny, if the rest of you is as stiff as your arm... I'm in room 602!"

A Scam...

A tidbit more on the Oscars:  Isn't bizarre that the Academy messed up by not including some in the "parade" of stars that have passed.  I guess I really don't understand.  Their excuse for leaving out Farrah ... was that they were mostly TV and including Michael Jackson because he made a movie or two just doesn't make sense.  I would assume if the people that passed were MEMBERS of the the Academy, they should be honored- even if they are writers or photographers.  This concludes, in my mind anyway, that the whole Oscars mess is a political scam.  It would be hard to prove true, but probably just as hard to prove false.  Has anyone ever seen published the criteria used for determining Best Actor or Best Movie ?  I rest my case.

So a week ago Wednesday, my wife was throwing a Bunco party for eleven other women.  I brought in the card tables and chairs and tried to be as helpful as I could before my self-banishment to the bedroom.  I was sent to the fridge in the garage to get some appetizers that my wife bought that day at Trader Joe's.  They were Mexican style "something-or-others" and were supposed to be accompanied by guacamole, which she also purchased.  Well, when she came home, she must have had a lot in her hands that was to go in that fridge, because I couldn't find the guacamole. 

Now being a "blind" man that couldn't find my way out of a paper bag, she accompanied me to the garage and the guacamole was nowhere to be found in the fridge.  I suggested that we look in the car, since maybe it was overlooked and not put away, but it wasn't there.  It was about 5:30 and people were coming at 6:30, so the race was on.  I offered to drive to Trader Joe's and fetch replacement guac, but first we had to look at the receipt.  It clearly showed that she had paid for it, but where was it.  She called Trader Joe's and the manager said that this happens occasionally and he would send someone over with a couple of packages, right away.

So, over a week later, I go into the freezer in the garage and what do I find, buried by other frozen stuff, is the guac!.  We feel embarrassed, but it is REALLY good to know that Trader Joe's can make up for our memories as we grow old and forget where things are!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive brunette comes in and wants to bet ten thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing a top."

With that said she pulls off her top and rolls the dice while screaming, "Momma needs a new blouse." She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

"YES! I win - I win." She grabs up her money and top and quickly leaves the table.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought you were watching!"




A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

GOOGLE, CA Revisited

While most of you took my suggestion less than serious (or even silly), Ventura IS taking it serious [ See Ventura Goes For Google].  Ventura is actively attempting to attract Google's attention to try to become a testbed for their new super fast internet technologies.  That would bring lots of money and jobs as well to Ventura as well as attracting other high-tech businesses to take advantage of the seat of the new technologies.

Can anyone tell me what the Santa Barbara and Goleta areas are doing to attract new businesses ?  We only appear to be losing them on a daily basis.  One company intends to build eleven new commercial buildings in Goleta.  Who is going to rent them ?  I am amazed at how many commercial buildings are empty and have lease signs out front.  If we can't keep what businesses that we've got, AND we aren't able to keep the existing buildings rented, why are we building more ??

Changing our name to GOOGLE really got your attention, but what would it take to REALLY get their attention ?

It seems that we (as a group) are more concerned on getting a Target store or keeping out BEVMO than attacking a much bigger problem.  If we don't provide jobs here, who will live in the houses in the area or shop in the stores or fill the schools.  The Santa Barbara and Goleta areas are short sighted.  Nothing is going to happen without being proactive about change.  

We cannot continue on tourist dollars alone.

 

You know, I would almost expect something like a beer-bottle baby bottle from Ohio, but this one is from New York.  How ridiculous.  Of course, that doesn't mean that bambinos don't get a load of brew in their regular baby bottle.  Many advantages here:  beer has lots of calories, makes them sleep well and prepares them for their future.

A Great and Progress Filled Day

It was a great day at work (sometimes there are).  I made a tremendous amount of progress and felt good when I left.


Hey, what about that  2008 Prius that had to be slowed down by a CHP cruiser because the accelerator was stuck at 90 MPH!  I said it before and I'll say it again: "We haven't heard the end of this problem, and it will be a LONG time before Toyota instills consumer confidence again.".

So what is it with TV scheduling these days.  One evening there is absolutely nothing on to watch and the next night there are fourteen shows on at the same times.  Can't figure it out...

An Irishman named Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay -- pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch

Monday blues...

So the Oscars were very interesting.  Apparently, Cameron had pissed off enough important people to generate his own snub, and then adding more fuel to the fire, translated the wins to his ex-wife!!  Why Avatar Lost...


Worse than that, though, were the tributes to fallen stars.  Michael Jackson was included but Farrah Fawcett was not.  Obviously here, nothing was gained by inclusion of Jackson and exclusion of Fawcett- so why ?  Where was Farrah ?

All in all, the Academy proved without a doubt that they are politically oriented and the awards are subjective and biased.  Those that do the best work may not be rewarded.


It really comes down to what movie you liked the most and really not the most popular or innovative.  The criteria by which each of the movies are evaluated is certainly not publicized and probably up to the 6000+ members.  Actually, I would be amazed if the members actually watch and evaluated all the nominated films.  Their decisions are not based on reality, but on unrelated issues of "just desserts".

 

If a dog was your teacher

You would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water, and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around, and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. When you are having a bad day, lick your balls. 

Nuff said...

We watched "The Hurt Locker" last evening.  Neither of us were very impressed.  The realism was well portrayed and the style was documentary-like, but the substance to make it a "winner" wasn't.  We have seen pretty much all the movies that were nominated and have some opinions, but I still believe that the winners are chosen 1-part substance and 2-parts politics.  It is too bad that there isn't a less subjective manner to make the decision that leaves politics, sex and race out of the equation.

We shall see this evening.....


Meanwhile I'm going to make my famous (?) Gingerbread (made with Guinness) and Terre is making Cincinnati chili.  [Who cares who wins, with good eats and brew...]. 

Earlier this week I heard Ron Herron on the radio refer to "Silicone Valley".  I tried to find his email address or phone number  to complain, but could not.  As you can see on the t-shirt in the picture, the girl has "NO SILICON" in her breasts.  When will people get it, silicon comes from sand and is made into semi-conductors (electronics) in the San Francisco Bay Area - Hence "SILICON VALLEY".  The other stuff, silicone, is used to fill breast implants.  Sorry for ragging, but this really bugs me.

 

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

 

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was
postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and
readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice
and explain their reason.

The best submissions: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful
for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just
opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in
pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have
to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air
part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the
right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the
wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000
years but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But
consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.

 

Rainy Day Recharge...Time to Rent Movies

Yes, I was shocked when I picked up our copy of the LA Ties yesterday and saw Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter splashed all over the front page.  I was wondering how I was going to read those stories that were obfuscated. A soon as I turned the page and realized that the REAL front page was there, I dismissed the Mad Hatter page as an ad.  Did that bother me anywhere enough to write to the Times ?  I think not.
This morning there are several letters  published chiding the Times for taking the profitable choice rather than standing tall and declaring "we won't screw with our front page!".  I don't blame them at all.  I bet they made a tidy sum for that stunt- and got everyone's attention.  In these times when people will drive a car emblazoned with a Red Bull ad, just because it is free; or drink "they only know what" out of Coca Cola glasses on American Idol because it is a mega-sponsor.  I applaud them for taking advantage of a moneymaking opportunity which really does not hurt anyone, short of extremely minor offenses taken by extremely minor characters from a bygone era of purists.  I hope that they get their money's worth, while they can. There are so many more worthy issues to complain about, nowadays.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,....

"Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'

 

A Elementary School pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

 

50 Things you would never know if it weren't for TV!
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear, preferably carrying candles which will be blown out by the slightest draft.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick and any other make-up will never rub off - even while scuba diving and sleeping.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place and leads to any location in the building, including the safe. No one will ever think of looking for you in there.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. English with a German accent will do, provided you are blonde.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds afterwards. This generally leads to a sex scene.
13. The chief of police is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, just grab a note from your pocket and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Any American movie will contain a car chase, unless it was made by Walt Disney. Cars and trucks that crash will always burst into flames after they have come to a standstill and the hero is running away from it at 5 to 10 meters distance.
20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to bullets, provided he is the main character. Unimportant bad guys are killed instantaneously with one bullet or punch. Important bad guys nearly kill the hero savagely before they are killed.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth, were well-fed, wore clean clothes and make-up.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a completely straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Similarly, when driving a curvy road, the slightest movement of the steering wheel will do the job.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. If two men attack at the same time, the one behind you will firmly hold you up, so you can free your legs to kick the one coming from the front. If two men simultaneously attack from left and right, just a step backwards is sufficient to have them knock each other out.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, one stands behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers undergo personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. Action heroes never eat and drink when chased for weeks, do not go to the toilet or need more than 5 minutes of sleep per day.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage, despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a heavy thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. There are three types of criminals: megalomaniacs, Italian mafiosi and brain-dead muscle packs.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played with moving the fingers randomly.
45. All bombs are camouflaged using electronic timing devices with large red displays, showing exactly when the device will detonate. They are always disarmed by clipping one of two wires when the clock displays 3 seconds or less.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, cars need not be locked, nor keys taken out. If keys ere taken out of the ignitiuon, they should be left on top of the sunshade.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, they should be thrown away. You can always find a new one which is loaded.
48. The weather always indicates what will happen next: rain will bring sadness (unless the film is called 'Singing in the rain'), thunder will bring fear and accidents.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty and continues the case in his own time.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

At last...

Looks like a nice day outside, but at least for the first half of it, I'm stuck at work.  

I see a bunch of ads from different cell carriers for fixed price packages to proves all unlimited calling minutes, unlimited texts and unlimited data access.  I began to think how much I could really use, and whether the price warranted a deal for me, or whether I would pay less if the contract was itemized.  Other than competition for cell customers, there has got to be a reason for all of these "unlimited" packages coming out recently.  While we need to upgrade our cell phones, the new contracts are making everything a bit more difficult to compare,

   I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions;

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt,
My  belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut;

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting;

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack;

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!



       I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe,
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, cottage cheese;

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts,
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west;

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears;

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair;

And I don't go around checking my reflection,
In everything shiny window from every direction;

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly;

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring!

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back,
I don't carry our differences into the sack;

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you,
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you;

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too,
I know what the time is and I know what to do;

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two balls and stand when I pee;

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball,
It's more fun than dealing with women after all;

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work,
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk!

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure,
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure;

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see,
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery;

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days,
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise;

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Again, sliding into Friday...and more rain this weekend...

Well, the Oscars are coming up this weekend.  In today's paper, the nominations were spelled out.  I was certainly surprised at some of them.  I would expect that lots of money will change hands in Las Vegas over the winners.  Each year I remind myself that a large part of why someone or some picture wins, is political.  Also, there is an art to the date of release. I'm sure the various studios do not share that information, so the actual mix of movies at the theater when you release is a big gamble.  Doing well at the theater doesn't necessarily make a winning nomination, though.  Unfortunately, it is very subjective and the criteria for nominating or winning can change depending on how much the rules can bend in order to make something happen.  One has to know how to play their game....

Tomorrow I get to pick up Tori at school and bring her home for a week.  I'm really excited, since it has been so long since we've seen her.

On another topic, as I predicted, as of this morning there are already seven suits against Toyota that claim that surging acceleration still occurs after the recall fixes.  Some group is offering a million dollars to the first person to prove that it is an electronic or software issue and fix the problem.  I'm also betting that it is not an easy problem to diagnose or fix, or it would have already been done.  It is probably many problems that tend to cover up each other.  It will be a long, long time before Toyota repairs their consumer confidence.  A real shame....

Morris, a city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the
next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said,

"Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,

"Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998. "

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chicken Soup for the Drinker
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure; hooking up with fat, hairy girls. -- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Google, California

Today I read that Topeka, Kansas (where?) officially changed their name to Google!  The mayor did this (for a month) to encourage Google to deploy their latest and greatest fiber-optic internet there.  This kind of thing isn't new.  Remember Truth or Consequences in New Mexico changed their name to get the TV show there.  This kind of tactic has been used countless times and a very large percentage have been rewarded.  Therefore, before we miss out, I nominate Goleta to become the first city in California to attract new technology, business, jobs, fame, et cetera by changing its name to Google, CA!  Why didn't I think of it sooner?

 

Finals

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

 

A mommy needed gramma to babysit one evening...

and when the mom drops off her little 6yr old bundle of joy, the mom tells the gramma, make sure he eats by 6pm has his bath by 7pm and he is in bed by 8pm. The gramma agrees and they start to have fun playing games, watching movies, and before you know it it is 7:30 and they are eating pizza. So the gramma decides, what the heck, she'll pull the little kid into the shower with her and kill two birds with one stone. So everything went fine, the kid was asleep by 8:30.

About a week later back home, the mom is rushing around one evening and is late getting the kid dinner and his bath, so SHE decides she'll just pull the kid into the shower with her and kill two birds with one stone. So...they are in the shower and the little kid points straight ahead and asks his mommy, "Mommy, what is that?!" The mom taken aback says, "Thats Mommy's beaver." The little kid stands there a second and says, "Gramma has a beaver too but hers must be dead because it's tongue was hanging out."