A Great and Progress Filled Day

It was a great day at work (sometimes there are).  I made a tremendous amount of progress and felt good when I left.


Hey, what about that  2008 Prius that had to be slowed down by a CHP cruiser because the accelerator was stuck at 90 MPH!  I said it before and I'll say it again: "We haven't heard the end of this problem, and it will be a LONG time before Toyota instills consumer confidence again.".

So what is it with TV scheduling these days.  One evening there is absolutely nothing on to watch and the next night there are fourteen shows on at the same times.  Can't figure it out...

An Irishman named Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay -- pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch

Monday blues...

So the Oscars were very interesting.  Apparently, Cameron had pissed off enough important people to generate his own snub, and then adding more fuel to the fire, translated the wins to his ex-wife!!  Why Avatar Lost...


Worse than that, though, were the tributes to fallen stars.  Michael Jackson was included but Farrah Fawcett was not.  Obviously here, nothing was gained by inclusion of Jackson and exclusion of Fawcett- so why ?  Where was Farrah ?

All in all, the Academy proved without a doubt that they are politically oriented and the awards are subjective and biased.  Those that do the best work may not be rewarded.


It really comes down to what movie you liked the most and really not the most popular or innovative.  The criteria by which each of the movies are evaluated is certainly not publicized and probably up to the 6000+ members.  Actually, I would be amazed if the members actually watch and evaluated all the nominated films.  Their decisions are not based on reality, but on unrelated issues of "just desserts".

 

If a dog was your teacher

You would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water, and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around, and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. When you are having a bad day, lick your balls. 

Nuff said...

We watched "The Hurt Locker" last evening.  Neither of us were very impressed.  The realism was well portrayed and the style was documentary-like, but the substance to make it a "winner" wasn't.  We have seen pretty much all the movies that were nominated and have some opinions, but I still believe that the winners are chosen 1-part substance and 2-parts politics.  It is too bad that there isn't a less subjective manner to make the decision that leaves politics, sex and race out of the equation.

We shall see this evening.....


Meanwhile I'm going to make my famous (?) Gingerbread (made with Guinness) and Terre is making Cincinnati chili.  [Who cares who wins, with good eats and brew...]. 

Earlier this week I heard Ron Herron on the radio refer to "Silicone Valley".  I tried to find his email address or phone number  to complain, but could not.  As you can see on the t-shirt in the picture, the girl has "NO SILICON" in her breasts.  When will people get it, silicon comes from sand and is made into semi-conductors (electronics) in the San Francisco Bay Area - Hence "SILICON VALLEY".  The other stuff, silicone, is used to fill breast implants.  Sorry for ragging, but this really bugs me.

 

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

 

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was
postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and
readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice
and explain their reason.

The best submissions: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful
for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just
opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in
pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have
to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air
part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the
right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the
wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000
years but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But
consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.

 

Rainy Day Recharge...Time to Rent Movies

Yes, I was shocked when I picked up our copy of the LA Ties yesterday and saw Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter splashed all over the front page.  I was wondering how I was going to read those stories that were obfuscated. A soon as I turned the page and realized that the REAL front page was there, I dismissed the Mad Hatter page as an ad.  Did that bother me anywhere enough to write to the Times ?  I think not.
This morning there are several letters  published chiding the Times for taking the profitable choice rather than standing tall and declaring "we won't screw with our front page!".  I don't blame them at all.  I bet they made a tidy sum for that stunt- and got everyone's attention.  In these times when people will drive a car emblazoned with a Red Bull ad, just because it is free; or drink "they only know what" out of Coca Cola glasses on American Idol because it is a mega-sponsor.  I applaud them for taking advantage of a moneymaking opportunity which really does not hurt anyone, short of extremely minor offenses taken by extremely minor characters from a bygone era of purists.  I hope that they get their money's worth, while they can. There are so many more worthy issues to complain about, nowadays.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,....

"Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'

 

A Elementary School pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

 

50 Things you would never know if it weren't for TV!
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear, preferably carrying candles which will be blown out by the slightest draft.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick and any other make-up will never rub off - even while scuba diving and sleeping.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place and leads to any location in the building, including the safe. No one will ever think of looking for you in there.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. English with a German accent will do, provided you are blonde.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds afterwards. This generally leads to a sex scene.
13. The chief of police is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, just grab a note from your pocket and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Any American movie will contain a car chase, unless it was made by Walt Disney. Cars and trucks that crash will always burst into flames after they have come to a standstill and the hero is running away from it at 5 to 10 meters distance.
20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to bullets, provided he is the main character. Unimportant bad guys are killed instantaneously with one bullet or punch. Important bad guys nearly kill the hero savagely before they are killed.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth, were well-fed, wore clean clothes and make-up.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a completely straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Similarly, when driving a curvy road, the slightest movement of the steering wheel will do the job.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. If two men attack at the same time, the one behind you will firmly hold you up, so you can free your legs to kick the one coming from the front. If two men simultaneously attack from left and right, just a step backwards is sufficient to have them knock each other out.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, one stands behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers undergo personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. Action heroes never eat and drink when chased for weeks, do not go to the toilet or need more than 5 minutes of sleep per day.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage, despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a heavy thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. There are three types of criminals: megalomaniacs, Italian mafiosi and brain-dead muscle packs.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played with moving the fingers randomly.
45. All bombs are camouflaged using electronic timing devices with large red displays, showing exactly when the device will detonate. They are always disarmed by clipping one of two wires when the clock displays 3 seconds or less.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, cars need not be locked, nor keys taken out. If keys ere taken out of the ignitiuon, they should be left on top of the sunshade.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, they should be thrown away. You can always find a new one which is loaded.
48. The weather always indicates what will happen next: rain will bring sadness (unless the film is called 'Singing in the rain'), thunder will bring fear and accidents.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty and continues the case in his own time.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

At last...

Looks like a nice day outside, but at least for the first half of it, I'm stuck at work.  

I see a bunch of ads from different cell carriers for fixed price packages to proves all unlimited calling minutes, unlimited texts and unlimited data access.  I began to think how much I could really use, and whether the price warranted a deal for me, or whether I would pay less if the contract was itemized.  Other than competition for cell customers, there has got to be a reason for all of these "unlimited" packages coming out recently.  While we need to upgrade our cell phones, the new contracts are making everything a bit more difficult to compare,

   I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions;

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt,
My  belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut;

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting;

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack;

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!



       I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe,
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, cottage cheese;

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts,
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west;

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears;

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair;

And I don't go around checking my reflection,
In everything shiny window from every direction;

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly;

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring!

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back,
I don't carry our differences into the sack;

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you,
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you;

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too,
I know what the time is and I know what to do;

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two balls and stand when I pee;

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball,
It's more fun than dealing with women after all;

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work,
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk!

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure,
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure;

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see,
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery;

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days,
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise;

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Again, sliding into Friday...and more rain this weekend...

Well, the Oscars are coming up this weekend.  In today's paper, the nominations were spelled out.  I was certainly surprised at some of them.  I would expect that lots of money will change hands in Las Vegas over the winners.  Each year I remind myself that a large part of why someone or some picture wins, is political.  Also, there is an art to the date of release. I'm sure the various studios do not share that information, so the actual mix of movies at the theater when you release is a big gamble.  Doing well at the theater doesn't necessarily make a winning nomination, though.  Unfortunately, it is very subjective and the criteria for nominating or winning can change depending on how much the rules can bend in order to make something happen.  One has to know how to play their game....

Tomorrow I get to pick up Tori at school and bring her home for a week.  I'm really excited, since it has been so long since we've seen her.

On another topic, as I predicted, as of this morning there are already seven suits against Toyota that claim that surging acceleration still occurs after the recall fixes.  Some group is offering a million dollars to the first person to prove that it is an electronic or software issue and fix the problem.  I'm also betting that it is not an easy problem to diagnose or fix, or it would have already been done.  It is probably many problems that tend to cover up each other.  It will be a long, long time before Toyota repairs their consumer confidence.  A real shame....

Morris, a city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the
next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said,

"Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,

"Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998. "

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chicken Soup for the Drinker
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure; hooking up with fat, hairy girls. -- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Google, California

Today I read that Topeka, Kansas (where?) officially changed their name to Google!  The mayor did this (for a month) to encourage Google to deploy their latest and greatest fiber-optic internet there.  This kind of thing isn't new.  Remember Truth or Consequences in New Mexico changed their name to get the TV show there.  This kind of tactic has been used countless times and a very large percentage have been rewarded.  Therefore, before we miss out, I nominate Goleta to become the first city in California to attract new technology, business, jobs, fame, et cetera by changing its name to Google, CA!  Why didn't I think of it sooner?

 

Finals

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

 

A mommy needed gramma to babysit one evening...

and when the mom drops off her little 6yr old bundle of joy, the mom tells the gramma, make sure he eats by 6pm has his bath by 7pm and he is in bed by 8pm. The gramma agrees and they start to have fun playing games, watching movies, and before you know it it is 7:30 and they are eating pizza. So the gramma decides, what the heck, she'll pull the little kid into the shower with her and kill two birds with one stone. So everything went fine, the kid was asleep by 8:30.

About a week later back home, the mom is rushing around one evening and is late getting the kid dinner and his bath, so SHE decides she'll just pull the kid into the shower with her and kill two birds with one stone. So...they are in the shower and the little kid points straight ahead and asks his mommy, "Mommy, what is that?!" The mom taken aback says, "Thats Mommy's beaver." The little kid stands there a second and says, "Gramma has a beaver too but hers must be dead because it's tongue was hanging out." 

Still moving slowly...

"Deja Moo - The feeling you've heard this BULL before"

I'm finally beginning to see the "end of the tunnel" with my cold, so of course, it is now getting cloudy and supposed to rain tonight!  So the Olympics are finally over and I can stop complaining about the poor scheduling of coverage.  I hope some other network gets a chance net time.  It did get me to thinking, though, about one show that I really miss, ABC's "Wide World of Sports".  I used to watch Jim McKay almost every weekend.  Remember this, "Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sport… the thrill of victory… and the agony of defeat… the human drama of athletic competition… This is ABC's Wide World of Sports!"  And we would watch skiers fall, ski jumpers fall, et cetera, et cetera.  At any rate, I never could figure why that show failed after 37 years.  It always seemed as though ABC's coverage of sports was better than NBC's.  Too bad about the Olympic coverage...nuf said.


Looking forward to Jay Leno's return to the Tonight Show tonight.  It can't be worse than his ten-o-clock fiasco, and it will probably be better than his aborted replacement was.

First-year students at N.C. State Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the cow's butt, with drew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the dead cow's butt and then sticking it in their mouth.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in his butt my middle finger, but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid. . . . 

Welfare Letters

The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:

* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
* I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
* Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
* This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
* Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
* I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
* In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
* My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
* You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
* I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
* In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
* I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

February lost....

I have a confession to make: I have always wanted to to be a cowboy.  Those that know me well probably wouldn't think that that is much of a stretch.  My desired alter ego is well justified, but only when you consider all the parts, does the cowboy personification make sense.  I have always sought the simpler life where I could be in awe of the beauty and ways of nature, without being hung up on the laws of man.  Who wants to dream of bills, taxes, traffic, smog, et cetera? That's what we already have. How about a place and time where all one had to worry about was a dry bed,  a full stomach and the majestic beauty of the night sky.  Your horse depends on you and you on him, and he has the best ear for listening without criticism. Living the "Cowboy Way" meant that your next best friend was whoever was ready to risk life and limb to help you in your justified pursuits, without a second thought.  Doing things because they are right in "God's eye", and not because someone on Earth said so. To live in that era would be amazing, but of course, utter fantasy.  There would always be a villain to attempt to ruin it for all.  Maybe this only exists in the movies. I don't know. The cowboy life was very hard and poorly rewarded, but for the clarity of mind released from the shackles of responsibility.

Wow, what a boatload for so early on a Sunday morning....
 

 

A Taste of Cowboy Wisdom

• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.
• Don't judge people by their relatives.
• Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.
• When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
• Talk slowly, think quickly.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• It's better to be a has-been that a never-was.
• The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
  The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
• Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
• Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' himdo it are two entirely different propositions.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
• You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped.(Character shows up best when tested.)
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?
• There never was a horse that couldn't be rode; Never was a cowboy who couldn't be throwed.

Yesterday I was at the store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Max, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant??

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry? The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.

Dilemma du jour...

I see our payment to Cox Cable is going up again.  Isn't interesting how a lackluster performer can manage to somehow convince the powers that be in Santa Barbara to grant it an unchallenged monopoly over us.  And, worst of all, we have no recourse but continue to complain to those deaf ears of the powers that be!


I have considered the only other alternatives, satellite dishes.  There are definitely drawbacks.  In order to switch, one must grant the dish company at least a year contract, so you could be stuck.  During that contract, the prices are at teaser-rates, which tend to have one overlook the issues, since the price is so low.  Well, to service n TVs from a dish, one needs n heads on the dish, and  n decoder boxes.  I guess that isn't so bad, because all I would need would fit on one dish.  Then the decoder boxes are programmed to decode different  level of channels.  The cheapest one, of course, does have many channels, but not ALL the ones you are used to.  Soooo now you are paying for the next level of programming.  Before long, the bill is comparable to cable!

When are we going to be able to get a complete smorgasbord ?  I shouldn't have to pay for stations I will never watch and will probably program my TV to skip.

Then there is the issue with internet support.  Many people get it from their phone company, DSL.  If there are not many customers sharing one side of the switch, it is relatively fast.  The cable company has the same issue, but it's bandwidth is somewhat greater and can compensate for the shares.  The best, fastest internet that I can get in competition starved  Santa Barbara/Goleta is from the cable company.  So, if I was to switch to satellite, I would have to wire the internet from cable separately.  Now I would get two bills.  The cable company would want to charge me more because I don't get TV from them- in fact, I don't even know if they will supply internet only.


The best solution is fiber-optic connection directly to the house.  This has begun in many areas (of course not here).  The company pushing it is Verizon FIOS.  And, yes, this would be bi-directional at the speed-of-light--- so interactive TV would be available.


So there you have it, dilemma du jour...

The Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts

  

Finally...

I am thoroughly disgusted (of course, it does no good) in NBC's coverage of the Olympics.  It seems that every night, they keep the best events for post-11:30 pm.  We keep missing the best performances.  Perhaps it is REALLY time for a DVR, so we don't ever have to watch the crap they put on when we are awake...

Max has figured out that if we use the word "walk" in a sentence, he is probably going to be part of that action.  Last night, after Terre mentioned it, I went and sat down for a while, but he wouldn't sit down.  He began pacing until I was ready to go.  As soon as I grabbed his harness, he began jumping up and down and whining.  The dog is way too smart....

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray...
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.  Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.  Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint. 
Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' 

Coasting into Friday....

A fabulous day today.  It looks like spring is here (except for predicted rain tomorrow and next week).  Finally shook the headache that I woke up with and it has made it glorious.

A word about the killer whale incident: We forget that no matter how much training and performing, that they are still wild.  They will never lose the fact that they are killer whales.  This is the same thought regarding the tigers mauled the trainer in Las Vegas, or the chimpanzee that attacked the woman.  They are wild animals, and although cute, still capable of wreaking havoc at their whim.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL A$$' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

One day, there were 2 elderly women sitting out front of their nursing home just shooting the breeze and smoking their cigarettes. Now these women were in their late 70's early 80's. They were having so much fun reminiscing about the old days, they didn't want to stop even though it began to rain. So they're reminiscing and smoking when the rains came. One of the old ladies, not want her cigarette to get wet, pulled out a condom and started to place it over the cigarette. The other old lady, looking confused and in shock, ask her, "What the heck are you doing with that condom?" The first old lady told her that she didn't want to get her cigarette wet with in the rain and the condom will keep it dry. Second old lady said that it was a VERY good idea and ask where she could get some condoms. The 1st lady told her that you can get them at the drug store.
The next day, the 2nd elderly woman went to the drug store and walked up to the pharmacists' counter. The pharmacist ask how he could help the old lady. She told him that she needed a pack of condoms. The pharmacist began to blush and was a little embarrassed, but kept being professional and asked her what type she wanted. She looked at the pharmacist without missing a beat and said, "Oh, it doesn't matter sonny as long as it fits a camel."

Rainy Again...

So where's all the hype this year for America's little sweetheart figure skater ?  The answer is that all we have is lackluster.  Add that the terrible coverage of NBC this year and at least one Olympic sport is ruined for me.  I have nobody to root for....and worse I'm falling asleep by the time it is on and end up missing the competitors.


Why has NBC decided to push all the coverage until late night ?  One would think that EASILY they could start at six each night and hopefully do a better job.


The other day when I had to go visit our attorney to sign papers for trust and wills, I thought I'd stop quickly to get a sandwich before returning to work.  I stopped at Subway.  I suppose it was a sandwich.  The bread was tasteless.  The lunchmeat, what there was of it, was like cardboard.  I waited in a long line while patrons led each sandwich maker though each condiment and addition to their sandwich.  Wouldn't it be a better way to tell the maker up front what you want on your sandwich, so we don't all have to listen to the barrage of questions regarding each item and wait for the patron to decide if he wants that or more of that or not that at all.  I lost it.  And they lost my sandwich.  Someone needed the toaster oven and they put my sandwich on top of it.  The makers couldn't figure out why I was standing there with no sandwich to question me about.  It was definitely comical.


Bottom line, though, Subway wasn't worth stopping at for whatever I might have saved by going there.


Today at lunch, I had to go down to AAA to pay a registration fee.  I stopped at the Plaza Deli in La Cumbre Plaza.  What a difference.  The sandwiches are all listed, along with all the extras that are on it.  I ordered and said, "Hold the onions...". and that is all that was necessary.  The bread was very good as were the pastrami, cheese, tomatoes and lettuce in the sandwich.  And, incidentally, the Plaza Deli was less money !!!  Boy has America been duped by fast-food chains into believing that they are better, cheaper and faster.  I proved it wrong again and have learned my lesson! (again).

Troubled...

My eyes bothered me all evening, but appear to be doing much better now.  I don't like having a cold, but it is still better than dealing with the flu- which, knock-on-wood, I didn't get this season.  It has always bothered me that the flu shots are only tested in the labs.  We are the beta testers.  Many people get sick or die from them.  I never get flu shots.  As I get older, I'm sure that I'll have to deal with that situation again.


I see now that more and more people are believing that there really is an electronic problem with the Toyota accelerator.  Also, the CEO said today that he regrets that safety suffered in the name of growth.  Now other officials are saying that the current recalls are not going to fix the main issue of uncontrolled acceleration.


I'm really disappointed that the inherently Japanese pride has disbursed in these products.  It will be a long time before consumer confidence will be restored.  Cutting the price or adding a large warranty will not cut it here.  It will take extraordinary measures.

Your Annual Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.
If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've decided on your answer.
OK?
Now relax, clear your mind and begin.





1. What do you put in a toaster?










Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











2. Say 'silk ' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks, ' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?














Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from New York to Chicago. In Newark, 17 people get on the bus. In Bloomsburg, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Dubois, two people get off and four get on. In Youngstown, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Toledo, three people get off and five people get on. In Gary, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Chicago.
What was the name of the bus driver?













Answer: Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!


PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Movin-right along.....

This cold has gotten the best of me, at least as much as my eyes.. but for a Monday, this wasn't so bad.  I found a big nail in my tire, but then discovered it went in sideways and caused no leak!  What a deal.

 

The Dog that takes you into the Bar

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.

Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"

 

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a near by marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE! Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.'' :-)