Raining again...

Leo Rosten - "Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty."

Dog's Letters to God

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God: Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Can we get the Pizza Hut "Meat Lovers" pizza delivered in heaven?
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?
Dear God: May I have my testicles back?

HUH ?

Soooooo?

Monday Monday, so good to me...

A pretty uneventful day today...Tori chatted with me that she had an art class with a nude model today- that's an event!  It is supposed to rain tomorrow, but I can ignore it because sunshine is predicted for Wednesday on out...


One of my favorites...

Story With a Moral

Now I know there's things worse that make cowpunchers curse,
And I reckon it's happened to us all.
Though it's years since, you bet, when I think of it yet,
It still makes my old innards crawl.

I was makin' a ride to bring in one hide
That hadn't showed up in the gather;
I was riding upstream, daydreamin' a dream,
When I caught there was somethin' the matter.

Near some quakin' asp trees, I had caught in the breeze
A stench that was raunchy and mean,
And I reckoned as how it might be the old cow,
So I rode to a bend in the stream.

Shore 'nuff that cow lied in the crick there and died;
Hard tellin' how long she'd been been there.
She was bloated and tight, twas a horrible sight—
She was oozin' and slippin' her hair.

Her eye sockets were alive with maggots that thrive
On dead flesh, putrid yellow and green,
And the hot sun burnin' down, turnin' pink things to brown,
Spewin' oily gunk in the stream.

Well, I spurred upwind fast to get away from the blast
Of the heavy stench the cow made;
And I felt bad seein's how I'd lost the old cow,
And I pulled up near a tree in the shade.

Then I got sick to the core, rememberin' just minutes before
I'd done something that made me feel worse;
Not thirty yards down I'd stepped off to the ground
And drank 'til my belly near burst.

For months after it, just the thought made me spit,
And I'd live it over like a bad dream.
And the moral, I think, is if you must take a drink,
Never, ever remount and ride upstream.                    [Waddie Mitchell]

Fly Larva! [resemble anybody you know?]

Honey-Do List Sunday

 I've been busy all day.  I have yet to take the battery out of the Vette, but replaced the headlights in the truck, sprayed weeds, gave Max a bath, washed the front of the fireplace and went shopping.  Oh, also we took Max for a walk.  So as soon as I empty the dryer, and reload it with the bedsheets, I'll go take out the battery....These are the seeds for the flower in the POTW.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing
unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible... Congress has always prided
themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to
the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

You can't even BUY service anymore....

Saturday of closure

This morning we attended Bill McLafferty's services.  I have never been in a room with so many lawyer's and judges, and I didn't realize how obvious they are identified as such.  I confirmed again how much I dislike funerals (I don't like hospitals and banks, but for different reasons).  One of the reasons is that they tend to mind me of my own volatility and vulnerability.  This, I'm sure is a post-50 reaction.  I assume that I will be attending more and more funerals as my friends pass.  I read the obituaries frequently and do see people listed that I know.  Of course, I'm relieved when I don't see my own name... Actually, I think my toughest year was forty-six, because that was the age that my mother died. It was hard for me to accept that I would live longer.  I'm not exactly sure why, but it did.

Unfortunately, weddings and funerals drive me to tears.  Bill's kids did a great job of reminiscing about their dad, which  of course, got me to tears. 

I have never been to a service for a judge, never mind the Grand Knight of the Knight's of Columbus.  Many of the Knights that were in attendance in full regalia, which included feathered hats, bright satin capes and swords.

I learned a lot about Bill that I didn't know.  The most important of which, that I was privileged to have known someone that so

Publish Post

many , many others deemed great.

Snowy Friday...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 -----------------

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure ... that just ain’t so.” — Mark Twain

-----------------

The Potter Philosophy on Exercising

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per
month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


Now unlike Potter, I know that physical exercise is good for you. I've listed below my program of strenuous activities. You are invited to use my program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush

2) Jumping to conclusions

3) Climbing the walls

4) Swallowing my pride

5) Passing the buck

6) Throwing my weight around

7) Dragging my heels

8) Pushing my luck

9) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Tooting my own horn

17) Climbing the ladder of success

18) Pulling out the stops

19) Adding fuel to the fire

20) Opening a can of worms

21) Putting my foot in my mouth

22) Starting the ball rolling

23) Going over the edge

24) Picking up the pieces

 Happy Exercising!

---------------------------

It was butt-cold this morning. The mountain tops were dusted with snow and the wind was howling.  By the time I got to work (quick stop at the post office to send a box to Tori), it was pouring rain.  I really missed the rain, but not as much as I miss the sun right about now.  I guess we all tend to whine (especially in California) because WE ARE SPOILED!!!

Even wetter thursday....

I know we need the rain, but must we get it all at once ?? I am enoying it somewhat, though.


I miss my daughter.  I worry too much.  I guess it is because she is my last and the youngist.

 

 Chickens anyone ?

How about eggs ?

Wet Wednesday

That REALLY means a day of yacht racing...but not in the current state of the ocean!


Large thunder claps and lightning today.  It was impressive and (once again) emphasizes why we live here.  The occasional "weather" is all we or the infrastructure can tolerate.

=====>  Check out the really unfortunate restaurant names.....Whoops!

Wet Tuesday!

"That usually means the day of a yacht race....but...."




What may look like innocent merchandising has a darker and more serious side.  Say hello, everyone, to the Spongebob Squarepants thermometer.  On the box it reads, "Take temperature by oral, underarm, (axillary), or rectal method."  Rectal method?  You mean I am supposed to shove Spongebob up my kid's pooter?

That's right... it's The Spongebob Squarepants Rectal Thermometer.

Bend over, kiddies!

Then give him a shot of this...

If one don't get him the other will.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd, lastly, but not leastly.... When did they start canning this stuff ?

I laughed so hard, you'd think that I had a bottle of....

Isn't it amazing?  We  had the second of four storms today and it came with a tornado (yes, right here in Goleta)! 

Δευτέρα deutéra

Monday - "The second day..." in Greek

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.  He gets in and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have won the grand slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer.  He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them..  But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I have never actually met Frank....  He died ... I'm just married to his f@cking widow!...."

 ----------------------------

Read the wall...

No limos in San Francisco

Went to The Nugget in Goleta for lunch on Friday.  The place was nice inside, especially since the reopened the windows all around.  The menu is much larger than the one online for Summerland.  Mike had a burger which he said was good.  Pete and I had pulled pork sandwiches.  They were also very tasty, but a bit short on filling.  The fries were exceptional.  Unfortunately, the iced tea was very weak and the waitress commented that that was the way they made it.


I remembered that when I was much younger, that building began as Pizza-Time Theater.  The pizza was average, but the old time movies (like Keystone Kops and Chaplin) kept running all day.  They eventually went out of business and Arby's moved in.  That was a mistake from inception. 


The Nugget is probably the best use of the building since it was built.  Still, a bit $$$ for lunch in Goleta.

Weather fit for duck!

Took Tori back to Oxy today.  Driving back was a big mess.  Many accidents on the road and stupid people driving too fast.  It was coming down in buckets!

I miss her already....

 

 

The world's easiest quiz... or is it?

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

 Answers to the quiz

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador.

3. From sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. Squirrel fur.

6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the

wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called

Albert.

8. Distinctively crimson.

9. New Zealand.

10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Sad Day

This morning I read that a friend of mine passed away last evening, Bill McLafferty.  I never met anyone that could say anything bad about him.  He was an honorable man  whose opinions and judgment were highly respected enough to have him appointed as a Superior Court Judge.

Our family would make a special trip to see his Christmas decorations each year.  They were all home-made wooden scenes that Bill thoroughly enjoyed making and putting up each year.

He leaves a large family and loving wife of many, many years.  His passing, I'm sure, was a great shock to all.  It will take another very special person to ever fill his shoes.

"Sixth Day"

Quakers traditionally refer to Friday as "Sixth Day" eschewing the pagan origins of the name.

I was really ready for Friday to get here- too much stress during the week.  Tonight is Cincinnati Chili night and I'm excited!  Tomorrow we have to get Tori ready to return to Oxy and Sunday (probably in the rain), we will move her back into the dorm.

Now on to some funny business.....

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.
From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

 

Almost Friday again...

Still working on Texas's problems. Tori goes back to Oxy on Sunday.  The rain is coming...  [I have to admit that I'm looking forward to it.]  Ev is trying out for a part in a local play [too bad it doesn't pay anything.]  Such is my life...[I was really looking forward to trying to win the HGTV house contest in New Mexico, but because Brett is working for Disney- we no longer qualify.]

At any rate, things are still better here than in many other places such as Haiti, Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen...I  have to expend more efforts towards the lighter side. 

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Cowboy's Guide to Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Hump Day...

Max has a new buddy, OsKar.

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one
night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old
ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in
"Honest John's" used car lot.


The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy
and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"


"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car
this afternoon."


"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of
here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides
we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we
would get screwed."

 

Tori is back home safe.   Still averted a trip to Dallas for work.  Lots of work to do there.

En martes, ni te cases ni te embarques...

"On Tuesday, neither get married nor begin a journey."

How to walk your Chihuahua...

 A fashion statement, for sure!

 

They are definitely a bundle!

Downtown San Francisco is a town where 

they give dogs instructions (as if they could read)...

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign
suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one." 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:


Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. 

Bovine is Devine...

All is fine with Tori in Westport, although she lost power for a few hours.  She'll be coming home tomorrow...Yay!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk ? An udder failure !

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside."What`s going on?" she yells out the window."Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.Within five minutes, however, it stops again.The woman sees the same conductor walk again.She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows... both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...