TGIF!

"A New York doctor claims that he has invented a cream that makes
women's orgasms much more intense. Apparently, the cream works
best when applied by Brad Pitt.''
- Conan O'Brien

 Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came
across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It
stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate
down to the fingernails and teeth.

"It looks real enough to talk," says one.

"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue he asks it
its name.

No answer.

"How old are you?"

No answer.

Finally. one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"

Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its
feet and puts its hand on its chin. Then after about ten seconds,
the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."

"Of course!" says the scientist, "... It only stands to reason."

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which
reads:

Cheese Sandwich: = $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: = $2.50
Hand Job: = $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the
bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive
blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives
the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "indeed I am"

The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

Enough funnies for one day...I have half the day off from work !!

Kamikaze Iguanas!

This guy gets to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter says, "Now wait just a moment, before I let you in, I need to ask you, have you ever done anything to put others first, or defended the weak or innocent, things like that?"

The man answers, "why yes, I saw this man with a Corvette by the side of the road, and he was yelling at his wife, and threatening her, so I walked up to him and screamed at him to leave her alone, and if he didn't I'd kick his head like this.... and I kicked a huge place on his driver's door on that Corvette".

Saint Peter answers, "Wow, that's pretty good, when did you do that?"

The man answers, "Oh, about 4 minutes ago".

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use `big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words."

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a Train. Use big people words."

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride and said,

"Winnie The Shit."

I love it when a plan comes together...

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so

they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong

with them.

They see the doctor and explain the memory problems they've been

having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are

physically fine but might want to start writing things down to

help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his

chair.

"Where are you going?" asks his wife.

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks.

"Sure," he says.

She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember."

"I'll remember," he says

"Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You

had better write that down cause I know you'll forget."

"I can remember that," he says, as he begins to lose his

patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream on top," she adds, "I know you'll

forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I'll

remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her

a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment

and says,

"You forgot my toast."

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new red Corvette convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back".

"Have a good day, Sir," said the trooper.

So a major disaster in Texas turned out not to be so bad.  Mike and I will have it in order by next week...  Bottom line- A much better day !!!

Another day, another $

Hey, today was hectic- always looking for someone that isn't there or playing tag on the phone.

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church.

They see a big sign posted that says,

"Convert to Catholicism and get $100"

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says,

"Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says,  "Is that all you people think of?" 

Saw the new Nexus One phone from Google today online.  I'd sure like to see it in person.  I think that might be the one...

Back to work today...

It was hard to get up at 6 a.m. this morning.  I drug myself to the coffee pot.

It probably panned out just as I expected.  Most people were out on PTO, so I became the solution focus to all their problems.  Thankfully, some people that I need to accomplish the tasks will be back tomorrow.

So here I am at the end of my holiday/vacation...

There were a few things that I wanted to do that I didn't.  There were a few things that I did that I didn't plan on.  I'd say I'm even.  The time off from work went by way too fast, but I'm refreshed and ready to return (at least I can say that today).

I thought a lot about New Year's Resolutions, but realized that they would probably get broken anyway.  I think my own resolve to be happy has outweighed giving up things I like because they are not necessarily good for me.  Starting tomorrow we will be going on a low (to no) carb diet.  We'll see how it works and how long it lasts.

Today we put the rest of the holiday stuff in boxes to be taken (once again) up to the attic for next year.  Without little kids at home, the celebration doesn't seem the same or even necessary for the season.  It is great to get everyone together, but I didn't miss putting decorations outside this year, nor taking them down.  The indoors decorations were much abbreviated and it was appreciated.

It was about 79 degrees here today and felt even hotter.  We went down to Shoreline Park and took Max for a walk.  He definitely needs some training efforts to be around other dogs.  The only one (and there were lots of them out today) that he didn't growl at and attempt to posture himself alpha-style was smaller than himself.  He was scolded, which he didn't like.  We bought lunch in the snack-bar and sat at a picnic table and ate in the warm sun while watching the sailboats and the surfers.

Back to the grindstone in the a.m....

Much ado...

Word today from my cousin Michael in Detroit (where the current rampant expertise is in Creative Abandonment) is that all you need is love...

I'm very excited about the prospect of winning the HGTV Project House on the Turqouise Trail in New Mexico.  It is a 3900 square foot house worth $2M and comes with a new car and $500K included.  Since I never win anything (worth anything), I have to savor the dreams of winning, because I don't.  A friend of mine buys his lottery ticket early so that he gets "dream time", because he doesn't win either.

Last night we watched Up and Julia and Julie.  I enjoyed them both.  They were very entertaining and unexpectedly so.

Today we took Max for a hike along the bluffs and to look at the butterflies.  He was really gung-ho, but eventually he got tired and was ready to come home.

 

It was unbelievably beautiful there today.  Since we had a blue moon on the 31st, there have been minus and plus tides.  While we were there the waves were breaking way up on the cliffs.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, If you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Biatch." 

Not sure what this is, but it is a cool pic.

I was recently asked about rushing out to buy a Prius on the 31st because the dealer would be more motivated.  I think the demand for that vehicle is such that it won't matter at all.  And for those of you that are rushing to buy a hybrid, consider this:

Gas is roughly $3.00 a gallon.  If you buy a hybrid that gets 50 MPG for $27K and drive 15000 miles a year:  (15000 / 50) = 300 * $3 = $900. An $18K car that gets 35 MPG, for the same distance on the same gas would be (15000 / 35) = 428 * 3 = $1284.  The difference is $384.  Both card will be worth $12K after five years.  The hybrid will have cost $15000 + (5 * 900) =$19500 while the normal car would have cost $6000 + (5 * $1284) = $12420.  Which is the better deal.  (Also, assume that the hybrid did NOT need battery replacements during the five years).  Okay, it makes you feel better to drive a hybrid (good for the environment....).  Consider that the electricity that you are consuming when you do a plug-in recharge was probably generated by burning coal, as most of it is!  Sooooo, consequently the only reason to buy a Hybrid is to be seen in one by people that REALLY don't understand the issues about them.

Enough pontificating....We went for a glorious ride in the Vette today, but for a weak battery.  I stalled the car and couldn't get it restarted.  The Lone Ranger (Steve) came to our rescue, as he was going by and jump started us.

Happy New Year

Its a beautiful morning (which makes up for my losses at poker last night).  As I promised no more complaining (wanking). I'll just deal with making you laugh....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, " Kathy.....Kathy.... "

"Is that you, Tom?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots
of greens) another romp around the golf  course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon.  After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Tom you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona "  

One more day to go....

Well we took the tree down last evening.  I am amazed we put it up fast and took it down fast.  This was a strange Christmas.  IN the past I would have spent a day getting decorations up outside and that long again getting them down.  Since we had the house painted and trees removed, we didn't have time to get them up- which means I lucked out and don't have to take them down either.  New Year's Eve will be fun too.  This time we are only having one couple over and we are playing poker until the wee hours.

Today we took Max with us downtown and he was amazing good.  He also waited for us in the car twice.  What a good dog!

What an experience!

Wow!

Anticipation and Relief

Christmas is a funny holiday.  When kids are small, it is the greatest experience to provide them with much anticipation and happiness.  Later, it becomes more of a chore and a necessary task to get past that point.  It is really unfortunate.

Christmas should be more of the sharing of love and caring than managing to get the last of the year's bargain widgets!

Enough "wisdom" for today's post.  I can say that because I have finally posted my "Wanks" list.  I'll continue to add to it transparently.

Wanks

1. I hate "pushing 1 for English" for two reasons. One, if I don't pick one of the choices, what language are they going to review the menu in (English, right?), and two, the default should be English- if you want something else, then you can pick.

2. Why do cars push me out of the fast lane into the slow lane so they can pass me and then pull in front of me in the slow lane to get off at the next exit ?

3. Christmas shopping is tough this year:
The kids have grown up and I can't fill their stockings with Hot Wheels and chocolate kisses.
You can't put iPhone apps in a stocking.
All of my favorite "peruse" stores are gone. For the most part, if you buy on the web, you have to know what you want first.
Bookstores don't have enough stock anymore to look until you find something good.
Nobody wants DVDs or CDs anymore because they are available online electronically.
I'm tempted to replace the stockings with MyXmasStocking.com

4. My wife keeps telling me that we are not doing "much" for each other this year since we just got the house painted, paid taxes on three properties and had two trees removed.  I really can't read what "much" is, but whatever I interpret that as, I will be wrong!

5. This year my wife wanked on me that she has been putting up the tree for 29 years and wants absolutely nothing to do with it this year.  Ev and I went to Home Depot and picked out a tree, a seven foot Doug Fir.  It was a nice tree.  We had it up and partially decorated when my wife got home.  First, "It isn't a Noble Fir.  How come ?".  I explained that the Doug Fir was only $25 rather than the Noble's $80 price tag, and I though I was doing a good thing AND you didn't want anything to do with it.  Then, "It doesn't have the right garland on it.", but you said that you didn't want anything to do with it.  I put the other garland on it.  Since she says that it looks pretty good, for the price.  Why didn't she give me INSTRUCTIONS ?

6. Frequently people don't want to listen to my perspective and then just as often, they're sorry later.

7. How come some people can afford a gardener or having someone detail their new car in the driveway, but don't think painting their house is a justified expense ?

8. Why do we push to recycle glass and then spend the same amount of energy to sort colors, crush and remake the bottles instead of washing them ?

9. Why have the plastic bag recycle stations disappeared from the markets ?

10. Why does Kodak push the affordability of their new printer ink, but they only make it in containers that fit on their lousy printers ?  [Another recipe for failure.]

11. Why is it that there are a thousand holiday contests, plus Lotto, Mega and scratch-offs and I never win anything ?

New Year's Resolution

NO MORE WANKING IN THIS BLOG!

I promise to put only funny and happy stuff in here starting on 1/1/2010. [That gives me NINE more days to wank!!].

Much awaited

Much awaited pics of Max, the latest addition to our circus. Yesterday was a high-pressure runaround to get more shopping done. Later in the day I made some gingerbread and some cookie dough to be used later. The gingerbread is Emeril's recipe and uses Guinness beer. It was very good, AND I drank the balance of the Guinness that wasn't used.

This morning I am baking cookies before I venture out to shopping land. Ev and Terre are already at work and Tori is still asleep. The house is veritably quiet. This feels like my first day off.

Quiet time

Thought for sure I posted yesterday, but I guess not. Even though Xmas shopping is not done, Tori is home and sleeping with Max. Ev is working at KJEE and Cost+ (keeps him busy). I'm home and keeping pretty busy and Terre is trying to tear herself away from those loans that just have to close before Xmas.

By the way, I haven't mentioned it before (it was a surprise to Tori), but we adopted a Chihuahua (or was it Max that apopted us?), [we had to, since we couldn't have one of our own]. We were looking for a larger dog, but Max is very pleasant, smart and easy to take care of. They told us at the DAWG shelter that he is a "PEE" dog. I asked if that meant that he pees on everything, but the response was that he needs to have one foot on grass to let go. That makes him a very nice addition to the inside of our house.

Also we are not really sure about his name. The shelter doesn't know where "Max" came from. Terre said that maybe we should change it. Maybe something that sounds similar. I suggested "cliMAX" but all I get are smiles about that one. Tori calls him "MAXiepad". I don't think that I like tht one and I know Max doesn't. At any rate, it appears as though he has found his way into our hearts and home.

FYI: The most common theory and most likely is that Chihuahuas are descended from the Techichi, a companion dog favored by the Toltec civilization in Mexico. Historical records indicate that the Techichi hunted in packs. They can only be traced as far back as the ninth century but it is highly likely that this is the Chihuahua's native Mexican ancestor. Evidence of this is that the remains of dogs closely resembling, but slightly larger than the average Chihuahua have been found in such places as the Great Pyramid of Cholula, which dates back to the 2nd century BC and predates the 16th century. There is also evidence to suggest that the Techichi may also predate the Mayans.

The Toltecs were conquered by the Aztecs, who believed that the Techichi held mystical powers. In terms of size, the present day Chihuahua is much smaller than its ancestors, a change thought to be due to the introduction of miniaturized Chinese dogs, such as the Chinese Crested Dog, into South America by the Spanish.

A progenitor of the breed was reputedly found in 1850 in old ruins near Casas Grandes in the Mexican state of Chihuahua from which the breed gets its name. The state borders with Texas, Arizona and New Mexico where Chihuahuas first rose to prominence and were further developed in the United States. Since that time, the Chihuahua has remained consistently popular as a breed, particularly in America when the breed was first recognized by the American Kennel Club in 1904. Genetic tests place the Chihuahua with other modern breeds originating in the 1800s.

The circus continues...

Tori bumped her head yesterday on the bunk bed above hers. She had a headache that wouldn't go away, so I told her to go to the medical facility on campus. They decided that she needed a cat scan. Today she took a taxi to Pasadena and was scanned. The results are in. She is swollen by her bump and needs to take it easy for a bit. NO BLEEDING. Great.

Work was a joke today as I prescribed workarounds to almost everyone that didn't have any money to get me to fix their problems. That seemed to work. The day drug out to a crawl. I didn't think I'd ever get out of that place.

Tomorrow I will go down to get Tori and her stuff to stay home for almost a month. She needs the rest and we need the break from drama...

SNAFUS'R'US

Both trees are now gone from the front of our house. They were lifting the walkways. It is like the front got completely re-landscaped, since now you can see everything so clearly.

Tomorrow is my last working day for the year. I am really ready for a vacation. Thursday I pick up Tori from Oxy for the holidays and I will be glad she is back home for a month.

Goats in Trees!

A frustrating day performing validation testing. Now after dinner, I am trying to satisfy Terre defining our holiday card by putting our picture on a design on Walgreen's website. It is a pain that only occurs at the holidays. It adds to the peeves that occur every year (or more frequently) like forcing one to "press 1 for English" on the phone or other seemingly small things which cause accumulated grief.

Today on the radio, I heard about the most popular calendar being sold for next year. Its title is "Goats in Trees". I Googled that and I was utterly amazed. Check these out:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQev3UoGp2M

Dark and Rainy

Went down to Eagle Rock for a birthday lunch with Tori today. It rained lightly the whole way down, but rained very hard the whole way back. After one headlight burned out and my old wiper blades stopped doing a very good job, we were lucky to make 40-45 MPH all the way back. It was so dark and the windows so smeared that it was very hard to see where we were going. Glad we made it home safely.

Everett worked his first day at Cost Plus. I've yet to hear how it went.

TGIF

The day didn't start too well. First my paper didn't show up. Then Terre got a call about someone making an additional charge on her debit card so it got canceled. I took my newly acquired (yesterday) debit card over tyo the credit union and got a PIN, so that one of us would have one that worked.

We just got back from lunch and the sky opened up. Today is Tori's birthday. I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. She comes home next Thursday for the balance of this year.

This is the kind of day I'm having at work....