Dog Days

It is a sad, sad summer, without a doubt.  War, drought, floods, disease, suffering, mental illness being expressed through violence or suicide.  Is there an external influence?  The super-moons, the global warming, who knows.  I just know that it is becoming intolerable.

Sadness at the fate of Robin Williams (R.I.P.).  Why are the most creative and funny always requiring drugs to contend with the world's stresses? Why are they always trying to escape from their successes?  The four best friends, Williams, Kaufman, Belushi, and Reeve are together again...

THE PARKING TICKET
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. It's important at our age.

Riders

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.

Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?

The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.

The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"

The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

Quick Funnies

"Mom and I went and saw 'The Passion'. This is the third time Mom and I have seen it. We've seen it so many times that we're now able to pick out production mistakes. Like one we noticed last night. At the scene of the Last Supper, on the table there's a bottle of Heinz Ketchup. That's not right." --David Letterman

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A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com..."

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It was 18 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio.

Computer Novices
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

An Addiction
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"

He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

Cooking Dictionary
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.


Tidbits
I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!"

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"Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind of wood." --Amy Yasbeck as Peggy Brandt in "The Mask".

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"This is America. If you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, then you can just get the hell out!" --Steve Buscemi as the homeless guy in "Big Daddy."


Taking a Walk
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"

Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

Quick Quotes
"My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather." --Jackie Mason

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"According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day." --Jimmy Fallon

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"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get." --Rodney Dangerfield

Blues Names
Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname.

First List:

A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=FatBoy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second List:

A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third List:

A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Allison

Make sure you tell your friends what their Blues Names are. 

Change your expectations or conform!

How ANNOYING!  Almost every news item that I click on is a video- AND I am forced to watch a commercial video before they tell me anything.  NOT ME!  If it is a video, then I don't read it.  I am quite capable (and desire to) actually read an article, rather than have an announcer read it to me.  Must they make money on everything ?
 
Remember when a clerk at the market or gas station would count your change back to you? Now we put our tryst in our electronic cash register, thereby not having to do simple math to figure out the change, and simple courtesy to count it back to you (if they were capable..., but that is another story).  You cannot buy courtesy anymore- and it used to be FREELY given.  I guess I'm feeling old, and desiring a simpler life where everyone was courteous without asking.

Having a Bad Day? 

Well, then, consider this..............

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

And Still Think You're Having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

Tidbits
"I filled out a rental application that asked, 'Do you own any liquid-filled furniture?' Couldn't they just have said 'waterbed'? How many other forms of liquid-filled furniture are there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?'" --Lisa Goich

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"Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!'" --Kathleen Madigan

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"I never get tired of housework - I don't do any. When guests come to visit I just put down dropcloths and say, 'We're painting.'" --Joan Rivers

Have a Will?
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor hold me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak.

The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "Please continue."

"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

Express Lane
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Things to Ponder
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

The Latest Outrage... When will we learn?

Let me say that I share the outrage regarding the last execution in Arizona.  Were it not for the 29 years that this convicted killer were kept in prison previous to his execution, I would feel as though his victims were vindicated.  Unfortunately, the victims' family had to wait so long for an attempt at closure.

Why do we attempt to make an execution sane or easy for the convicted?  Is this further evidence of the unraveling of society? Why is it important to our society to make the execution easy?

We spend a literal and vast fortune to keep the convicted in prison for tens of years awaiting execution, and then thousands of dollars to purchase and administer a death cocktail that doesn't work.  A judge recently expressed his opinion that we should return to the use of a firing squad, which is quick, doesn't fail and can be utilized publicly as a crime deterrent. 

IMHO, I think we should go back in history even further to the guillotine, to get the most "bang for the buck"!  And why wait so long to do the deed?  Pick a time interval, say one year for example.  If there is no "activity" on a convicted killer's re-defense in one year, "off with his head"!  That seems so cruel, but what about their victims?

What about their victims?

Elephant for sale!

The middle of summer is upon us already, and I can't seem to get any traction evicting this elephant!

Van Gogh's Family Tree

- His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh
- His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh
- The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Ring Gogh
- The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh
- The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
- The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh
- The bird lover uncle - Flaming Gogh
- His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
- The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
- An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to Gogh
- The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
- A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
- And his niece who traveled the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh

A Summer Break?

I have numerous promises, pro-mi-ses that is, that I might get called on by one of my applications.  It would be amazing!  There is nothing more to apply for, so my "pipeline" is getting emptied.  I don't like the direction that this is going towards.

I guess companies are decimated by vacationers, so no interviews are being scheduled.  I am continuing to wait (as if I had a choice).  Meanwhile, I have been checking out opportunities within about sixty miles north and south.  I hate to waste two hours every day to commute to/from work, but I guess I benefited for many years by living with five minutes of my job.

Still, the work available looks interesting.  I'm thinking that they will have to pay well for me to spend the time and expense to commute. 

By the way, how do I get that damned elephant out of the room ???

Sandwiches
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Put or Putt
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

The Exam
A student reported for the University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

The student takes a seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes out a coin, starts flipping it and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Using this inspired technique, within half an hour the student is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, the student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what's going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour," the student replies, "But, I'm rechecking my answers!!"

It's So True

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Continuing the stretch...

Since my two failures at fitting into the medical device manufacturing business, I am stretching into a few other local industries, hoping that my application will get noticed.  With HR the way it is in today's world, there is a very good chance that my applications will not make it past the various keyword filters.

I have been learning about PHP and Ruby on Rails, because most of the advertised positions are involving internet commerce.  I still believe, however, that having Raytheon on my resume is a stigma, and I will have to strive to overcome that, or capitulate and return there,

Einstein
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Irritations

Time to expose some pet peeves:

1.) Educated people should be able to spell or at least utilize a spell checker before they submit a document or ad, yet multiple times a day their irreverence or ignorance is revealed by spelling and grammar errors.

2.) Many people are selfish to the point of being offensive.

3.) Dog owners that do pick up their dog's waste should find a receptacle for the baggie, rather than just depositing it alongside the sidewalk or trail as though they were going to pick it back up on the way back, but don't. This is almost as bad as those dog owners that don't pick up their dog's waste at all.

4.) Why are all the good shows on the same nights and times?  This forces recording of the shows, which the producers don't like, but they just about bring it on themselves.

5.) I definitely dislike the people hanging around the supermarket doors that want contributions for some political cause.  Why do they think that the customers there are any more politically motivated than, say Home Depot?

6.) I can't stand people that can't even take a breath before everything that occurs is put on Facebook.  They take pics of their meals, and even their parking space, and Facebook 'em to share.  I certainly don't care, nor do I  believe anyone does.  I was never too keen on Facebook anyway, and only had an account to watch over my kids' pages.  I have since deactivated it because my kids are grown (?).

7.) I hate calling someplace that has options for me to choose on my phone, and the first one is English.  Why not have that be the default ?

Clear Direction

At this point in my job search (or depression), having completed an application and submitting it is substantially satisfying.  That feeling usually dissipates when I realize that all indications are such that I will never hear from the advertising company's HR department.

Another issue that I have discovered, is that new positions seem to be advertised by almost all the local companies, at the same time.  So there is a burst of excitement, a frenzied effort, and then a long dry period while awaiting the next cycle.  I use that period of time for learning and refreshing my skills.

Also, jobs and contracts have a way of dissolving when it comes down to an actual commitment to pay the possible new hire.

What does it mean when you don't hear back after an interview?  Are they wish-washy on making you an offer, or are they waiting until the first choice turns them down before they deal with you?  I knew it was going to be a stretch to come from defense work into medical devices.  I certainly thought, though, that it wasn't that big of a stretch...

New Cell Phone
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
 

Civil Servant
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

Continued HR Frustration

I have recently had a set of strange experiences with the HR of one company.  They call and don't leave a message.  Returning their call at that number never gets answered.  Finally days later, I pick up the phone and I'm told that I am hard to contact.  Somehow they hang up on me, and I wait days until they call again.  On my resume, there are not only two phone numbers, but also an email address.  Is this group restricted to spend only a maximum of five seconds to contact me, and only one attempt per week ??

Well, they decided to bring me in on a face-to-face interview.  The building appeared very dilapidated and the furniture looked like the purchased it at a thrift store.  The three managers that I spoke to admitted to me that I am overqualified for the position and couldn't understand why I would apply.

First of all, it was not apparent that the job was not a senior position.  Second, while it would be a cut in pay; it would not be the first or last time that a candidate had to take a lower paying job, just to get one.  I believe that the straw that broke the camel's back was that as they described what they wanted out of the successful candidate, I explained to them that that job is for a more senior person and a number of other issues that they had not considered.  They thanked me for making them aware of those issues, and returned from the holes from whence they came.

Consequently, they sent me a canned "not really a good fit" email.  I guess it is important not to overwhelm your interviewers with issues they had not considered, at least until after you are hired.

Collect Call
Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

Anticlimactic Event

Well the big face-to-face interview is over. It was four hours plus lunch.  I think it went well, but time will show one way or the other.  It took two phone interviews to get the face-to-face one.  Now the waiting game continues.  Meanwhile, there is absolutely nothing else to apply for.

In the last post I was speaking about the possible stigma of my last employer on my resume.  Unfortunately, it was true.  One HR recruiter wanted to know if I was really ready to accept a cut in pay, and for how long would I be happy with that?  She didn't even ask what my salary was, and only referred to my former employer.  Between that stigma and the amount of experience and education I have, I have managed to eliminate myself from most jobs that I qualify for.  Sooooooo wrong.

BTW, if you are reading this, sign up to follow this blog.  My statistics need a boost....

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 and beyond:
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run—anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
P.S. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night!

Minimum Wage Earner
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

Lost & Found
As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Hiker's Comments
A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers:

- Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

- Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

- Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

- The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

- A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.

- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

- Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

- Need more signs to keep area pristine.

- A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

- The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

- I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

- Too many rocks in the mountains.

Service
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Stigma?

I have come to the conclusion that my resume is not doing its job, and therefore I have enhanced it with much of the specifics that were removed to make the proponents of today's HR happy.  Keywords must be added back to deal with the application scanners to raise the "fit" percentage.

Also I am beginning to believe in stigma.  Perhaps my last employer has inadvertently stigmatized my experiences such that other companies are reluctant to react to my resume other than to ignore it.  I am very well trained by my former employer, to the point that the correct way to perform has become second nature.  That is unfortunately how every employer works - NOT.

Performing in the correct way and safest way is not necessarily the CHEAPEST means to accomplish the job, but the risks are very high to perform less than one's best.

I have (almost) successfully reinvented myself into another realm of the manufacturing world.  Not until this process began did I realize the real parallels between defense related, space related, and medical device manufacturing.  I am currently past three phone interviews with medical device manufacturers and hope to do a face-to-face interview soon.  This has been a gut wrenching experience, to apply new terms and methodologies to tried and true ones that I am used to, AND be believable- at least on the phone.  We shall (soon I hope) see how this process is working out...

On another note: Isn't it so very interesting how the Tea Party candidates are all losing elections?  And, isn't it also so very interesting about all the crap raising the surface regarding Hillary?  I wouldn't put it past either the Tea Partiers or the regular Republicans to have stirred up Monica in time for the pre-election "raise awareness of bad things in the past lives of Democrats"....  Interesting times we live in...

Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

On the Windows CD
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C 204F6E65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F 6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20 616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64 207468656D

'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.

'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...."

Rapid Closure

Well, not having "medical device experience" WAS enough of a reason to lose the possibility of consideration beyond a phone interview.  I will not be called in for a face-to-face interview.  Although I prepared for two days for the phone interview, none of the expected questions were covered in the allotted hour.  The interviewed was wrapped-around-the-axle on a singular topic for at least half of the allotted hour.  After that topic was beat to death, the remaining questions were easy and basically related to leadership style.  When all was said an done, I did have the impression that I handled the interview well enough to be called in.

Since I was working through a recruiter, she called in for the guy's response and then informed me.  Otherwise I would have probably been hung out to dry as in the past.

Incidentally, back on March 20 I had an interview in-person with another company which lasted five and half hours.  The grilling was horrendous, but I really liked the two positions that they had open and figured it was worthwhile.  Today (almost two months later), I finally got closure. I received a thanks-but-no-thanks email.  It is almost like someone that puts off accepting an invitation thinking that they may get a better offer for the same time period.  I feel like I had been put off until the position was filled, on the off chance they would find someone that fit their requirements better.  This is no way to run a business...

Meanwhile, back to square one....

Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

A week in only three days...STRESS

Let me explain what re-staining a pergola in 90+ degrees turns into... My hat only holds back part of the rivulets (love that word) of perspiration long enough for the flies to stop by for a drink and a quick dip.  I am actually spending more time swatting flies and wiping my brow than staining the wood.  The stain is an opaque one and it basically is hardening as I am putting it on.  If I stop, the brush will stick to the surface.  So much for that and it NOT being recommended...  Unfortunately, I am going nuts at home and need to have that feeling of accomplishment somehow.

Impersonal as it has become, working with a caring and friendly recruiter is definitely better than navigating the iceberg channels of HRdom.  I now have someone to talk to, provide guidance and smack me with the reality that only 2% of applicants ever get the job they apply for. So basically, I am covered no matter what happens.  

She has had me add meat to the bones of my stripped down resume.  It originally approached four pages and was stripped to one and a half.  Now it is fluffed out to two full pages and "speaks volumes" about me. [I hope that is good...].  She has also provided me with the information that I need to ace the phone interview that we managed to wangle with the expanded resume.  It is coming up tomorrow, and I am a bit nervous as the position is a stretch [not on my capabilities, though] into the medical device arena.  My background is about 99% military, space and defense related.  It is a big jump, especially into the FDA approval arena.

I have been very careful to be truthful in my resume and only emphasize the shining examples of my career.  Fortunately, every piece of straw I have worked with has turned to gold, well at least silver...

Drill Instructor 
A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit.
He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.
He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to unrinate on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not wait in line for anything! Sir."

Road Rage

A man noticed he was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. Not wanting to let the crazed woman push him, he stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by flooring it.

The tailgating woman slammed on her brakes, then her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, the jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

"I'm sorry for this mistake," he says. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Yeah, so?" she says.

"Naturally," he concluded, "I assumed you had stolen the car."

Military Medical Clinic

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

The Final Solution

I recently read that most HR personnel are going to soon be out of a job, as the function is expected to be farmed out.  This, of course, is due to its lack of ROI and (IMHO) its obvious inefficacy.  Having dealt with them very recently, I can understand why businesses believe that they are unnecessary and a drag on overhead which produces no revenue.  I remember when customer service representatives went in the same direction.  Someone in corporate America decided that they could live with single sales rather than repeat business.  Supporting your customers turns out to be the most dependable way to keep them.  Sending support personnel to India hasn't helped anyone's bottom line- for long.

Under the category of "everyone needs to get their two cents commission"...:  There are employment listings that list listings of other employment listers, that list employment listings of other employment listers... and so on.  Once filling out an application that went four companies deep before getting to the actual company, where the job had already been filled!  I run into similar situations of website knots that appear Gordian in nature.

Testing for Development-Archetypes
Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing.

Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing:

Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug.

Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off.

Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up.

Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill.

Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed.

Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why.

Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies.

Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries.

Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso.

Please see your PM to get your testing schedule.

Overheard in a computer shop...
Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.”

Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.”

Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Moving on to search for progress...somewhere...

So moving on with mixed feelings, I feel some resentment and disbelief.  I was a perfect fit for the job that was not offered to me.  I feel that it was due to my age.  I would really like to ask, but I don't believe that they would be honest with me.  If it were due to discrimination, they would be open to suit.  I certainly don't know what I can do to remedy this.  I have enhanced my resume and LinkedIn page to obscure dates and focus on achievements.  Apparently, that wasn't enough.  I was one of four applicants for two openings.  The job was very desirable, so I'm sure that I wasn't first choice and that the first offered accepted the position.

I have decided to stretch myself into positions that are really undesirable, because of what they entail or the fact that there is a commute involved.  The really unfortunate fact is that I have to be ready to accept less remuneration as well.  This is certainly not what I expected to have to do during my last years of work before retirement.  This does mean, however that retirement (given good health) has been potentially postponed for as long as they'll have me, if ever.

New twist on an old joke...
In Just 20 Seconds, You’re About To Completely Change Your Entire View On Pretty Much Everything.

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift.

Don’t believe us?

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.


It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

Realization and Acceptance

First let me apologize for not being more positive in my recent postings.  As of today, I have accepted the fact that some job postings are fake, some are exaggerated, some are impossible to fill and virtually all of them represent a black hole which sucks up applications and rarely, if ever, spits out a response- even an automated one.  

All of the preparation time and efforts and the actual time of interview engagement, whether by phone or in person, is time lost.  I have also accepted the fact that no company or HR rep cares that I am waiting.  Actually, I would be surprised to know that they even know that I exist.  After spending time going though these efforts without any fruitful returns, I can honestly blame it on societal shifts in the employment paradigm (what a load of crap, but it sounds good).  After all how many ways can I waste time and energy nowadays without playing video games?

With my attitudinal shift, I have found the beginning of peace.  I have lowered my expectations and therefore my anxiety and blood pressure.  I realize that nothing comes for free, but I feel as though I have put in my time and have reaped the benefits, albeit (love that word) negative.

Moving on, I have decided to expand my searches to non-technical, managerial and esoteric positions that don't require my experiences, but will gain from it.  My goal, then, is to become gainfully employed, but not in a comfortable and familiar position.

Irish Telephones

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Salesman to Policeman

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Waiting out the waiting game

An overcast and gloomy week is not helping to be positive and optimistic while I continue to play the waiting game.  What few positions available provide a black hole for applications.  Like entries to a million dollar contest, the applications continue to be generated by me, while the responses are nil.  Having had a telephone interview this week, I should be thankful but it seems like being forced to use training wheels before I get to ride the bike myself.  Sink or swim, if the application is appropriate for the job, time conservation would expect that getting to the meat-of-the-matter sooner would be good, but all are stretched until the breaking point.

$100 bill

I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

Pet Care
Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional as follows:

- "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering...how many calories are in a mouse?"

- "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?"

- "What should I feed a borderline collie?"

- "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

- "Is it normal for a dog to shed?"

- "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

- "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"

- "How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food?"

- "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"

- "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"

- "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

- "I have three cats. Is it true that a special brand of cat food makes the poop smell better?"

- "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

- "Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.

However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

Just A Fool No More

Here I sit on All Fool's Day believing that I am the fool.  I am letting this nasty, nasty job market get the best of me.  My perspective is crisp and renewed.  All that I have to do now is to get my momentum going again.  There is a new job for me and I'm going to find it!

It is so easy to fall into depression.  I have nobody to blame for the way the market is.  It has just changed.  Metamorphosed.  It is now tougher and sleeker and faster moving than it ever was.  I have to run harder and faster just to catch up with the trends.

What will I reinvent myself as? What positions will I stretch into? What attention will be paid to me? [What can I get away with?]  I just want and need to be part of it all again, very soon...

 "April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four." -- Mark Twain