Blog Fail

As you can see, the format of my blog (not to mention, the content) has [basically] returned back to normal (?).  Something, somewhere (in Google-land) changed last week and the template for my blog went to hell in a hand basket.  A few messages to the Google-god and most of it is back.

Wow, some really epic decisions coming out of SCOTUS all at once.  What have they been doing the rest of the time? 

I have had a lot of conversations regarding Edward Snowden and his information release.  Many of them are more concerned with the information he released, rather than the fact that he did.  Having had pretty high clearance previously, I realize that you have entered a contract with the gubmint that you get to see this information, but you don't own it.  It is the gubmint's property and you have to respect it for that.  The actual information he released (so far) is well suspected (or known) amongst people I have spoken to.  So, as far as harm that he has caused; I think most of it is to himself!

Ahh the wisdom of the ages.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of our kids and the planet ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f---ing wall."

Reputation

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Plano. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin in Longview who is a (political party affiliation which reader hates)?

Signed: Worried about my reputation. 

Dwarf Incident

I rear ended a car this morning...

I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

Diversity

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain...

Somebody just recently asked me about the NSA leak in the news.  I certainly don't condone what happened, but I find it very hard to believe that the "general" public didn't already know that all electronic interactions that are on the internet or cell phone carrier aren't already sold and also made available to the government agencies.  So the "leak" is certainly not a revelation, but more so, that a high-school dropout with one community college course in computer science can get a job as a contractor for those government agencies and gain access to that data.  That is a revelation- and a very scary one.

We scoff at the notion of registering guns because we will end up in a searchable database, yet we have registered ourselves already by acquiring a smart  phone.  They know who has one, where it is at, where it was used last, the number called and probably what was said.  All this information becomes fodder for linkage algorithms and establishing patterns.  No amount of features and niceties that a smart phone provides is worth the loss of privacy. 

I was wondering if anyone has given thought to the conundrum presented by the Boy Scouts relative to their recent position on gays, and how ridiculous it is.  Why has this not been a problem with the Girl Scouts or the YMCA youth groups? Who can really say what the BSOA stands for and force their members to learn and profess.  I certainly wouldn't blame any parents for not allowing participation in the Boy Scouts, given that they don't practice what they preach.  How very disappointing.  Many kids look forward to what good experiences they can have with the scouts and it appears as though that has been ruined by the "politics" that they currently exude.

I guess we live in interesting times....

Jokes vs. Law
And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they make a law, it's a joke! -- Will Rogers

Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Folks, we're screwed...

"Smart" Phones Revisited

So it has been a few months now since we were sucked into the fold and converted to Smart phones.  What is my reaction so far?  

1. I like carrying my phone in my pocket and this phone, while not the largest, just barely fits comfortably in my jeans.  Of course, because of the replacement cost, I had to get a protective cover built like a tank.  You could drop it or throw it against the wall and it would survive.
2. We got hooked on games- the free ones that are also free to play, like Words with Friends. This certainly has played havoc with battery life.
3. Battery life is a bit atrocious , since the temptations to run all kinds of apps is very high.
4. Signals are reliability using 4G Lte is pretty good, but there clearly are still holes where coverage is very bad.
5. Android is easy to use, but there are some things I'd like to see different, for example: There should be a nice way to say "I'm done with this app, give the memory back and don't run it in the background.
6.  So far, I haven't bought any apps and every need has pretty my been filled and much, much more.
7. We have been very careful about accessing important things like bank accounts while on the phone, and we will certainly eschew the automatic charge-card via phone, for as long as possible.
8. It actually costs us less now, on the sharing-data family plan than it did before paying for minutes AND paying for data AND paying for so many texts per month.

So now that I have accepted my fate, I think that there are less reasons to be unhappy with my carrier than I was before.  I don't like the phone stores, whether AT&T, Verizon or Sprint. I feel like I am being treated as though a second-class citizen that can't find his butt with both hands.  Their prices are high and they do all their manipulations in the back room while you are waiting for what seems forever in the display area.
Two better experiences, one at Best Buy and another at Costco, who are both dealers in phones from many carriers were much better experiences.  They worked in front of us and explained what they were doing during the whole process.  Neither of them treated us like the audience at a magic show.

Would I go back to a feature phone, probably.  There is really nothing so important that I couldn't live without it.  My wife, on the other hand, uses it as a business tool and is forever using the voice to text feature to communicate with clients and their agents.  She has Bluetooth in her car and loves the hands-free features including the reading her texts out loud.  She'll never go back, but maybe the need will wain eventually.

The Indian and the Hooker
A Manitoulin Island Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Sudbury .
'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'You do Indian style?' 'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 do it Indian style' 'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is. 'I pay you $300' 'No', she says.
'I pay you $400' 'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'
So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?'

The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government.'

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

Drinking last night
Last night I was out with a few friends and had a few too many beers.

Knowing full well I may have been over the legal limit, I did something I never had done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and I am not sure where I got it from.

One Day Holiday

This holiday weekend was way too short.  We had lots to do around the house, but Monday was set aside to do as little as possible.  We did go to visit the I Modonnari celebration at the local Mission.  The highlights can be seen on Edhat.  Other than that, we watched movies.  Two of them we rented from Redbox and two we went to the theater to see.

"Parker" is a typical Jason Statham movie, with much fighting and killing.  It was an action packed thriller. 
"Seven Psychopaths" is one of those movies where the preview uses up all the good scenes of the movie.  There was nothing left to keep you awake, as the movie begins while a scriptwriter is having issues writing, and then the script unfolds into what we watch.  Pure garbage...

Having seen the first five "Fast and Furious" movies, we were attracted to see the latest installment.  It was excellent.  It is exactly what one needs to get a muscle car injection of action.  The fight scenes, especially between Gina Carano and Michelle Rodriguez are fantastic.  Never a dull moment in this one. Excellent special effects...

The crowning glory of the weekend's films was certainly "Star Trek Into Darkness" in 3D.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 95% and I concur.  Not only has J.J.Abrams put his mark on this episode, but also he has reached into the past to "update" one of the best foes ever in Star Trek history, Ricardo Montalban's portrayal of Khan.  The story was multi-plotted, as most of Abrams work is.  It was very difficult to find anything wrong with this movie- at all.  It went by so fast, that it gave you the feeling of being too short, even though is was more than two hours long.

What is Black?
Shopping for a black cotton sweater, I couldn't find anything suitable in a trendy Berkeley clothing store. A helpful saleswoman offered to check the store catalogue.

After flipping through the pages, she looked up in consternation. "Mark," she called to her co-worker, "what are we calling black this year?"

No Sound Support

I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information.

So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.

Almost.

Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?"

Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?"

Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it."

Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?"

Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet."

Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?"

Saleswoman: "Yes."

Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?"

Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold."

I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

Cultural Adversity

In so many ways it is very cool and interesting that various parts of this country have different and diverse cultures.  It is way fascinating to visit the Southwest to experience the Mexican or Indian cultures, or the Northwest to experience the outdoorsy (hunting, fishing, climbing, ...) aspects of life there.

My wife comes from the Midwest, Cincinnati to be sure.  That makes her very special, because she grew up with the local Ohio culture, and then moved to California and was transmogrified (love that word) into a more respectful and appreciative person of all the various colors, creeds and religions of the hugely varied population of California. 

Her sister, on the other hand,  visited us recently for my daughter's graduation, which is always an "eye opener" for us, as to her past.  That kind of world still exists in many places. The people of Cincinnati are certainly not alone in their bigoted and resentful beliefs and actions.  Exposure to that kind of thinking cures you from ever considering the possibility of returning to that place or moving there as a new adventure.  [The weather alone would keep me away, but this is certainly the icing on the cake.]

I consider my wife is very extra special indeed.  She is kind and caring and blind to color, creed or religion.  She stops to help homeless people and even frequently buys them a meal. She is what the people of the Midwest should aspire to be.  I really appreciate her more than she knows.

It is really a shame that exposure to goodness doesn't cure badness, like exposure to love should cure hatred.  If that were the case, we would put everyone on trains from coast to coast to experience everyone else's culture and the world would definitely be a better place, as they say "Experience Whirled Peas"...

Since I'm usually writing this on Friday, I am already exhausted from the week's activities.  I can honestly say that I am really looking forward to having Monday off.

Remember for the Holiday Weekend
Ten per cent of all accidents on the road are caused by people who have been drinking.

So ninety per cent of accidents are due to people who are stone cold sober. So pick your designated driver carefully!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Mutual Attraction
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Cynical Meanings
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Cooking Woes
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 

Hectic

hec·tic  

/ˈhektik/

Adjective Full of frantic activity. Relating to or denoting a regularly recurrent fever typically accompanying tuberculosis.

Synonyms feverish - febrile

While I took a few days off to visit with my Sister-in-law as she was visiting from Cincinnati to see my daughter graduate from Occidental College over the weekend, I can attest that that those days were not as hectic as both Saturday and Sunday in Eagle Rock.  

We finally managed to get packed for our overnight stay, get the dog delivered to the kennel, get the cat fed for two days and get out of Santa Barbara by about noon. I also had tools on board to do a repair at my daughter's house.  Soooo, I had to do the repair, then find our hotel check-in and change clothes for dinner, and then meet for dinner.  We arranged to have dinner with one of Tori's roommates' families, as well- so there were fourteen of us.  Finding the restaurant was easy, but finding parking was another story.

Meanwhile, we scored an outdoor table in the restaurant's patio.  The service and food was exemplary!  It was a great time for all that attended.  Then we were invited to visit a local college bar, which we did.  I felt a bit out of place, after a bit, and we left.  We planned to get up early the next day to try to get some shady seats at the ceremony. 

We got up at 5:45 (it wasn't still dark).  We got cleaned up, ready, checked out- after eating muffins with cold dark liquid (from the hotel) that smelled like coffee.

When we arrived, the seats we hoped to get were occupied.  Even though the ceremony didn't start until 9:00, the Greek theater was filling up quickly- luckily the sun was still hidden behind a thick cloud covering.  Certainly, just as the band fired up for the pre-graduates to begin filing into the stadium, the sun exploded upon us brightly, kicking up the temperature by at least twenty degrees.

The glee club sang, the speakers spoke, then the degrees were handed out and as my daughter's name was called- it felt like the blood was draining out of my head.  The occasion finally hit home.

While circumnavigating the thousands of spectators and families and after many pictures and lunch, we faced the traffic once more to get home and drifted about pensively accepting my daughter's new title - "The Graduate".

The Chicken Gun
Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
 

Headlines from the Year 2029

- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia ( formerly California).

- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).

- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Mother's Day Woes

Soooooooo  tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Last year, we couldn't get my wife to commit to anything AND she decided she wanted to stay home alone and have us all leave!  We wouldn't hear any of that.  We, the kids and I, made plans for a picnic in wine country and some wine tasting. Apparently that sounded good to her and she was convinced to join us.  We all had a great time.

This year, she says that she wants to do the same thing except that this time she wants to pick the winery stops.  That sounds great.  It was my job to put together the picnic lunch- which in itself- sounds easy, right ?

I wanted this to be a bit special and decided to go to a special bakery downtown for rolls and bread for dagwood sandwiches.  I was kept so busy, that I got there five minutes after two today, and they closed at two.  Disappointment and anxiety is setting in, big time now.  I didn't want to get such a late start, but my wife kept me busy with the honey-do's....

I left D'Angelos bakery, and quickly thought where else I could get "special" bread, since I was downtown already.  I aimed for Lazy Acres Market.  There I found relatively good rolls, but no bread AND no acceptable desserts.  I proceeded to Gelson's, and likewise was disappointed.  Next was Whole Foods and I was disappointed there as well.  Finally, I decided to stop at Panera Bread and found something acceptable.

Here all I had attacked was bread and rolls, and I still had a long list.  I headed to Ralph's (because I could get my wife's favorite ice cream there).  Almost two hundred dollars later, I had still not completed the list.

On the way home I stopped at Albertson's and CVS looking for a plastic table cloth for the picnic table.  No such luck.

I stopped at Fresco to get some cupcakes for dessert and headed home to get the groceries (especially the ice cream) into the fridge.

Then I left again to go to another Albertson's for a table cloth, and hit the fruit stand down the street for some fresh cherries.

Finally I could come home and stay.

So you are probably saying to yourself, by now, why is he sharing this story?  Well, except for the bakery in the beginning, I had been stopping a supermarkets that try to do everything (do it all in one stop), but don't do anything particularly very well.

I would have gone to another bakery, if there was one around that made bread.  Instead, they specialize in fruit pies or cupcakes.  All of my efforts forced driving all over town, when if the ma and pa stores were still in business, I could have covered everything in only one or two blocks.  The big stores have ruined it for all of us.

Definitions

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

7) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

8) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

Patio Problem

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

Blonde Riding a Horse

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.

The Oldie Isn't Moldy

It seems that our sabre rattler in North Korea has given up for the time being...

So I had a visit from someone interested in my Vette, this morning.  He thinks he wants a car from his birth year.  

It is really hard to know what you want in a classic car, something you will not drive everyday.  Do you want to preserve it or customize it.  Yo really can't tell until you own one and realize that perhaps you would have been happier with one that was different that you have.  I guess it is the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome.

Meanwhile, with many people retiring at my place of employment, someone brought up that we have become the "oldies".  I didn't want to accept that at first and then I realized that I couldn't come up with anyone that was older...  What a shock that was...

 


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having consensual intercourse.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Yet another snafu...

I was just disappointed because my order for a BrushyBowl was canceled.  This appeared to be a very simple but useful device for dogs that have tartar issues and need to get enzymes to break it down.  The owner would put flavored gel on a ribbed brush mounted in the base of a bowl.  As the dog licks it, enzymes are transferred to his teeth breaking down the tartar.  This doesn't really sound like a big deal, but small dogs get bad breath and they get rotten teeth.  Having a dog's teeth pulled is very expensive.  So my alternative is to put enzyme paste (chicken flavored) onto his teeth with my finger.  This gets old, but has to be done.  Apparently, the BrushyBowls are no longer available.  Too Bad.

It is really a shame that good ideas are not successfully transferred to marketable products.  I'm sure there are too many of these to mention.  I suppose I will find one of those "As Seen On TV" stores and check to see if they have any BrushyBowls.  How silly is that?

BTW, what happened to our saber-rattling North Korean?  Did he not have a missile to test, or was he afraid to shoot it off, or was it all for show??  Perhaps we'll never know.

This is the last week of classes for my daughter who will graduate on May 19th.  It is a great feeling that she has made it this far, but it is also a great feeling to be "done" with paying for the kids' education. It's like paying off a mortgage!

True or False

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.

Answers: All of the above are true. Don't you just love number sixteen?

Did They Mean to Say That

- On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."

- In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."

- In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

- In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."

- In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."

- On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

- On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

- At a number of military bases: "Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."

- In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."

- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

- In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan.

- On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

At the store...

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Kids at the Wedding
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. They can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers-- What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

... and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age-- It doesn't last that long."

Funny Signs

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

Should've Thrown The Bums Out....

Not that this is any revelation, but the performance of the members of Congress sure leaves a lot to be desired. This last vote on the extended background checks is indicative as to whom has been bought out by the NRA, since there are no good reasons to not pass this legislation.  It would have made all gun purchases the same, whether from retail establishment or gun show.  Why would anybody care or think that would impinge on owning guns under the Constitution.  Even our forefathers were smart enough not to give a gun to a crazy man.  Apparently, Congress doesn't want to impinge on even his rights.  We should have thrown all the bums out at the last election....

I've had some time to think about the attack in Boston.  I can't come up with any reasons for the attack.  Even the Middle East foes would not (necessarily) have a reason for that one.  Perhaps when the perpetrators are brought to justice, that will be revealed.

An AMAZING amount of progress made in such a short time identifying the culprits and even eliminating one of them.  I hope they quickly catch the remaining suspect and find out what their motivation was before he is shot dead as well.  Kudos to the efforts of the multi-force police force that are performing at their best....

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE........

MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, MISERABLE, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED...


"WHAT DID YOU TEACH ?

The Many Uses of Coca-Cola

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FYI:

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!

Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 2 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes - all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said, "We are all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

My Jobs
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

[sigh][moan]

Definition of TERROR

1

: a state of intense fear

2

a : one that inspires fear : scourge

b : a frightening aspect <the terrors of invasion>

c : a cause of anxiety : worry

d : an appalling person or thing; especially : brat

3

: reign of terror

4

: violent or destructive acts (as bombing) committed by groups in order to intimidate a population or government into granting their demands <insurrection and revolutionary terror>

I am speechless.  I cannot fathom the reasons behind this kind of senseless attack.  God bless the victims....

Birthday Blues...

Yesterday was depressing.  It was my birthday.  I kinda wanted everybody to not recognize that it was, but also I think I would have been disappointed if they didn't remember.  Kind of a strange state my mind was (Gawsh, did I just write that?).  It was a pretty uneventful day, except for birthday cards, emails and Facebook posts.  I got presents (unexpectedly) and taken out to dinner at a favorite restaurant.  I have nothing to complain about... except getting older.  Th alternative is NOT good, though.

So after a week or so of sabre-rattling, and perhaps realizing that he was getting some attention (which is probably all he really wanted anyway), The North Korean lead has lowered his missiles.  I don't believe that he is actually don rattling his sabre, but perhaps he has realized that going a bit farther would be suicidal.  Technology has advanced such that another war with the South, with the U.S. supporting would not be the same.  I believe that it would be over rather quickly...

It's A Monk's Life

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.

He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"

Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."

He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian," he called.

The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.

"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!"

Don’t mess with old people............

I am a sick old man.

I was sick and in the hospital.

There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
‘And how are we doing this morning’,

Or ‘Are we ready for a bath’, or ‘Are we hungry?’

I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

‘My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. ‘

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, ‘Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.’

The nurse fainted..........
I just smiled.

Rules Kids Won't Learn in School

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

You're welcome.

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." -Lily Tomlin

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.

A Special Week- NOT

Just another very special week when North Korea (are they suicidal?) declares that they are going to set off an atomic bomb in the U.S. and POTUS compliments an Attorney General and gets accused of not being Politically Correct...  Why is it that people can't give a break to anyone that just acts human.  The press scrutinizes every publicly said word....

Rather than spiral into melancholia, I just went ahead and paid my income taxes and property taxes and college tuition for my daughter and mortgage payments...jeez, just typing that is depressing.  To put the icing on the cake, my birthday is next week and I'm feeling OLD!!!  Then again, I am.

No UPC
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

Places I'd Rather Not Live

- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky

What Would Freud Say About These Places?

- Climax, Michigan
- Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
- Needmore, Arkansas
- Hardup, Utah
- Intercourse, Pennsylvania
- Hornytown, North Carolina
- Conception Junction, Missouri

 

Cow Childbirth
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"