Obnubilated

I sit here on Friday wondering if I have made out "ahead" in my 401K, as the market has been see sawing for weeks now.  I can imagine that hose that are still eking out profits must be betting on both sides of the movement and they spend more time than I do to figure how and when.  I wonder how much the super-fast computer trading schemes have to do with it.  I guess I'm pretty happy if I come out ahead, at all...


I'm looking forward to the weekend and a bit of away time that it will provide.  We are going out of town for Saturday and Sunday, without access to computers AND hopefully cell phones turned off.  It is welcome.  The summer time is sneaking up on us before we can experience springtime...

I'm so confused:

I can't figure out why the Secret Service can't get serviced secretly.... 

I can't figure out why my plastic water bottle has a warning on the label that the cap is a choking hazard, particularly for children.  Isn't that true for ALL small objects?  What is special about the cap?  Have parents become dumber over the years or can't they recognize danger for their children?  Is the REAL reason that the warning is there on the label is to protect the manufacturer from lawsuits that claim that there was no warning of danger?


That must be why my dry cleaning is wrapped in plastic with a similar warning message on it.


Why aren't stupid parents allowed to be the reason for kids getting hurt?

Why are there still places in the United States that don't have indoor plumbing? Or telephone service? Or Internet ? 

Jacob, age 92, and Reba, age 91, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Reba speaks up and says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

How To Talk Southern
Ah
The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

Ast
To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. I makes me mad."

Attair
Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please"

Awl
An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."

Bawl
What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

Bleeve
Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."

Cent
Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

Co-cola
The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

Cyst
To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

Dayum
A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."

Everwhichways
To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichways.

Far
A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."

Flares
The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

Good ole boy
Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. "Bubba's a good ole boy."

Griyuts
What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."

Hale
Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."

Hep
To aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."

Idinit
Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Jew
Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"

Kumpny
Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

Law
Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."

Likker
Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon. "Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'

Mash
To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"

Muchablige

Thank you. "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

Nawthun
Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)

Ovair
In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

Phraisin
Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

Plum
Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."

Retch
To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."

Saar
The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."

Shovelay
A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."

Sinner
Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."

Sugar
A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."

Tarred
Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

Tar Arns
A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."

Uhmurkin
Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."

War
Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

Whup
To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."

Yankee shot
A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."

Zat
Is that. "Zat yo dawg?" 

Southern Horoscopes
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them.
When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. 

MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20 You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH May 22 - June 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.  

COLLARDS June 22- July 23 Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH July 24 - Aug 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS Aug 24 - Sept 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. 

BOILED PEANUTS Sept 24 - Oct 23 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.   

NFC is coming- Do we have a choice?

As more and more people are opting for smart phones, getting rid of their land lines, and we all move in the direction of a cashless society, we will almost all be forced into a new paradigm of NFC or near field communication to make everyday charges or debits by "NFC-enabled smart" phone.  The NFC unit from the retailer picks up your charge number and then your PIN to cinch the deal, all from your smart phone.  An example that we will be hearing a lot about very soon is Google Wallet.  Interestingly enough, Apple hasn't committed yet on NFC and may come up with their own technology to accomplish the same task on an iPhone.
The advantages are obvious, since we wouldn't have to carry a card.  The security for stolen smart phones is pretty good, depending on the PIN.  The disadvantages (depending on your point of view, of course) can be many.  When the debit/credit number is offered via the smart phone, certainly the phone number (and therefore the location) will go to the seller as well.  This affords the opportunity to keep track of the type of purchases and in what stores you shop.  Short term ads will begin to appear on your phone.  Even more annoying, is that the store you purchase in will be trying to draw you to other departments by offering ads on items that will expire in very short periods of time ("Come to lingerie sales in the next five minutes to get 35% off on your purchase over $50....").  
Stores, such as Kohl's, already have dynamic price tags that can be changed at their whim via a WiFi network within the store.  Sales will be hourly, instead of by the day or week.
Also, there is a form of broadcast communication that can be used,(as is currently by Walmart  and a few other retailers) which doesn't require your cell phone number and can hit all the phones in a small proximity to send them "come along ads".
On top of that, the purchase history will be used long term to send you "directed" ads.  
I hope we will be given the means to opt-out of this pandemonium and bombardment of ads...

Aren't we all wondering what to expect from Apple in the way of innovation since their driving force (Jobs) is gone?  Will the public continue to blindly buy Apple products if they are just so-so me-toos? I believe that Apple will spend some of its huge fortune "buying" innovation (i.e. other companies) to continue its trend.  It would be very hard to believe, however, that they won't turn into the IBM or HP of the future.  If the Asian labor costs grow beyond acceptable portions of manufacturing costs and cause the retail prices to be too high, what will Apple do?  The best that we can hope for is that they bring manufacturing back to American soil, even if it is totally automated.  The worst, it that they discover another untapped, cheap labor force someplace else  in the world.

Difference between lateral and logical thinking:

Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain.

He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag.

Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field.

What would you have done if you were the girl?

If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do? 
...
Well, here is what she did ....

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one. 

Just Like a Dog

Two old guys were sitting on a park bench one morning playing checkers when a dog came by and laid down next to them and started to lick himself.
The one old man said to the other. “I wish I could do that!”
The other old man replied. “I don’t think you want to do that. That dog might bite you!”

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant,

what is on the outside?

K9P

Follow the lemming in front of you...

It is hard to believe that my daughter will be returning from her semester abroad in less than a month.  The time has gone by very fast, and so far, uneventfully.


We watched (I slept through most of it) Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy over the weekend.  This movie barely deserves a casual mention.  It was extremely difficult to follow and just plain boring.  Did I miss something (while I slept)? Why did this abomination get any acclaim?

My cell phone and my wife's are on their last legs.  We are no longer on any contract.  It will be interesting to evaluate (once again) what is out there, relative to cell service providers, phones, and bargains.  Since we are very privacy conscious, we would like full featured phones without them being so call "smart".  We may have to bite the bullet, though, as the available selection is really very poor.  It may be worthwhile, though, to wait for the iPhone5, as I have nothing to lose or gain by getting another phone before then.  If our phones give up the ghost sooner rather than later, we'll have to make a rash and expensive decision, I'm sure. It may be "the only way down is plummeting over the cliff with the other lemmings....", though.

Kemosabe

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

American Way of Robbery
True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
(Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

When you're feeling down & out, remember this... In 1976 on this day, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800, that 10% stake is now worth $58 billion !!

 

HOW TO WRITE GOOD by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1... Avoid alliteration. Always.

2... Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3... Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4... Employ the vernacular.

5... Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6... Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7... It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8... Contractions aren't necessary

9... Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10.. One should never generalize.

11.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:    "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12.. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13.. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary;  it's highly superfluous.

14.. Profanity sucks.

15.. Be more or less specific.

16.. Understatement is always best.

17.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20.. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23.. Who needs rhetorical questions?

UNNERVING Experience

Now that Zimmerman has been arrested, I believe we will see the whole Neighborhood Watch paradigm on trial.  After all, "watch" means watch- not enforce... and certainly not watch while being armed...  This will be a long drawn out trial, which will serve to anger all the Police wannabes out there that are doing their watch and "protecting" their neighborhood.

Today is Friday the 13th and I'm sitting at work and listening to countless thunder claps from a heavy rain storm.  I'm playing a waiting game, expecting the power to go out at any time.  The storm is supposed to be gone over the weekend, but reflecting on the weather for the last year- strange and untimely.  Those melting icebergs in the arctic are certainly having a major effect on the seawater temperatures and therefore the weather that we are experiencing.

It was an UNNERVING experience.  When attempting to buy a reliable American made appliance you will find out that they are mostly junk.  All the salesman will direct you to Asian made brands because they are made better and will outperform and outlast the sorry American junk.  How did we get into this predicament?  How do we get out of it? I have always striven to buy the best product that I could afford, no matter who made it.  Now, it would be stupid to buy an American made appliance just to support our industry.  What REALLY needs to happen is that we need to clean up our act and make the best of everything- again!

Signs you are a true redneck....

-Your house moves but your six cars don't.

-You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

-You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

-Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

-You burn your yard rather than mow it.

-You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

-The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

-You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

-You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

-You come back from the dump with more than you took.

- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

- Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

-You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

-You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

- You go to the stock car races and don't need a program

I came across a word I didn't know- "Portmanteau".  This is a combination of two or more words.  Here are some samples....

affluenza, from affluence and influenza
anacronym, from anachronism and acronym
anecdata, from anecdote and data
Amerind peoples, from American and indigenous peoples
automobilia, from automobile and memorabilia
avionics, from aviation and electronics
backronym, from backwards and acronym
banjitar, a combination musical instrument of a banjo and a guitar
bankster, from banker and gangster
beurgeois, from beur and bourgeois
blaccent, from black and accent – used of non-blacks who try to sound black
blaxploitation, from black and exploitation
bleen, from blue and green (coined by Nelson Goodman to illustrate Goodman's paradox)
bodacious, from bold and audacious was made popular during the 80's.
Bootylicious, from booty and delicious – a title of a Destiny's Child song
breathalyzer, from breath and analyzer
bromance, from brother and romance
brostache, from brother and mustache – an app created by GEICO for a commercial
brunch, from breakfast and lunch
camcorder, from camera and recorder
carjack, from car and hijack
celesbian, from celebrity and lesbian
chuggers, from charity and muggers
Chunnel, from Channel and tunnel.
chavtastic, from chav and fantastic (meaning, 'having many characteristics of a chav', rather than a 'fantastic chav')
Chinglish, English and Chinese mixed up to humorous effect (cf. Spanglish, Franglais)
chortle, from chuckle and snort (coined by Lewis Carroll)
clopen, from closed and open
cocacolonization, from Coca-Cola and colonization
cremains, from cremate and remains
cryptex, from cryptology and codex
cyberdelic, from cybernetics and psychedelic
cyberpunk, from cybernetics and punk
cyborg, from cybernetic and organism
Diamat, from Dialectical Materialism
digerati, from digital and literati
digipeater, from digital and repeater
ebonics, from ebony and phonics
ecoteur, from ecological and saboteur
edutainment, from education and entertainment
faction, from fact and fiction
fantabulous, from fantastic and fabulous
foon, from fork and spoon (see spork, below)
flavorite, from flavor and favorite
Franglais, French and English mixed up to humorous effect (cf. Chinglish, Spanglish)
frankenfood, from Frankenstein and food
frankenword, from Frankenstein and word
fratire, from fraternity and satire
frenemy, from friend and enemy
gaydar, from gay and radar
gerrymander, from Elbridge Gerry and salamander
ginormous, from gigantic and enormous
greenwash, from green and whitewash
grue, from green and blue (see bleen, above)
guesstimate, from guess and estimate
guitarlin, combination musical instrument of a guitar and mandolin
hasbian, from has been and lesbian
irregardless, from irrespective and regardless
jazzercise, from jazz and exercise
jeggings, from jeans and leggings
kidult, from kid and adult
linner, from lunch and dinner
lupper, from lunch and supper
mathlete, from math and athlete
meld, from melt and weld
mechatronics, from mechanical and electronics
mizzle, form mist and drizzle
mobeload, from mobile and upload
mobisode, from mobile (phone) and episode
mockney, from mock and Cockney
mockumentary, from mock and documentary
moobs, from man and boobs
moped, from motor and pedal
motel, from motor and hotel
murse, from man and purse
napalm, from naphthene and palmitate
newscast, from news and broadcast
nuyorican, from New York and Puerto Rican
Oxbridge, from Oxford and Cambridge
paratrooper, from parachute and trooper
Pastafarian, from pasta and Rastafarian; from Pastafarianism or The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
pizzone (food), from pizza and calzone (popularized by Pizza Hut)
Plarn, from plastic bags and yarn
Plytanium, brand of plywood from titanium and plywood
posistor, from positive and thermistor
prosumer, from either producer or professional and consumer
radome, from radar and dome
redox, from reduction and oxidation
rockumentary, from rock and documentary (also mockumentary, from mock and documentary)
serpantalón, (french) from serpent and pantalón
sexercise, from sex and exercise
sexpert, from sex and expert (refers mainly to people who give advice about sex and sexual matters)
sexploitation, from sex and exploitation
sexting, from sex and texting
shart, from shit and fart
simulcasting, from simultaneous and broadcasting
skort, from skirt and short (as in short pants)
skyjack, from sky and hijack
smog, from smoke and fog
snark, from snide and remark
snatiation. from sneeze and satiation
soundscape, from sound and landscape
Spanglish, Spanish and English mixed up to humorous effect (cf. Chinglish, Franglais)
spork, from spoon and fork
squiggle, from squirm and wiggle
stagflation, from stagnation and inflation
swapportunity, an opportunity to swap from swap and opportunity
swaption, from swap and option
tangelo, from tangerine and pomelo
televangelist, from television and evangelist
terrist, from Terra and terrorist
thermistor, from thermal and resistor
tofurkey, from tofu and turkey
toonie, from two and loonie
transponder, from transmitter and responder
turducken, from turkey, duck, and chicken
urinalysis, from urine and analysis
wigger, from white and nigger
woon, from wooden and spoon (flat wooden things for eating dished ice cream)
yestergay, from yesterday and gay

Low Key

I don't understand the disappointment of my friends or relatives that I am not making a big deal about my birthday.  It isn't really that I'm downplaying its occurrence, but just not pushing into the "special" day category.  I had assumed (bad idea, probably) that it was my choice to treat it as I wanted, but I get the disapproval look from those involved...  After all, it is just another day.

Top 25 Thinnest Books

My Plan to Find The Real Killers - By O. J. Simpson
The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
To All The Men I've Loved Before - By Ellen Degeneres
The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert
Human Rights Advances In China
Things I Would Not Do For Money - By Dennis Rodman
The Wild Years - By Al Gore
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways To Spell Bob
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
Easy Unix
Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
French Hospitality
George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
How To Sustain A Musical Career - By Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
Spotted Owl Recipes - By The EPA
Staple Your Way To Success
The Amish Phone Directory

And The World's Number One Shortest Book...
The Book of Virtues - By George W. Bush

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit got remarried?

To a Russian guy.
Her new name is Lorena Kutcherkokov

The Apparency of Truth

Well, another birthday is about to pass.  I'm thinking about what has happened during the last year- and if anything has really changed...  The political stage is evolving into the inevitable Republican candidate that might have a slim chance to win, Uncle Mitt.  Those with the sense to give up, have- the rest don't matter.  Gasoline has gone down a smidgeon- almost not noticeable.  

It has actually come out that hybrid car buyers don't usually re-buy a hybrid.  Interesting!  I've been says for a long time that we need the technology, but it isn't here totally yet.  The cost of ownership is front-loaded to the point that it doesn't make financial sense.  The cost of replacement batteries, back-loads the cost, as well.  

I am beginning to feel my age in many ways.  I still want to simplify and slow-down the processing of the days, but most of the time I feel as though I am gargling with a data-laden fire-hose, and I almost have no choice.  Meanwhile, my joints creek and my memory is slowing down...

On another note, why do fast food companies think that we are obsessed with bacon?  Where did that come from ? Jack has a commercial where a fan marries bacon. Jack also has a bacon flavored shake (does not contain bacon).  Now Burger King has a bacon sundae.  Even worse, Pizza Hut now has a pizza with hot dogs in in the crust handles!  It is no wonder that obesity is a big issue in this country.  Why can't we eat GOOD food the way it was intended to be eaten? 

And still another, all along I have been saying that Fleecebook is not to be trusted.  Zuck is our friend- NOT.  With their purchase of Instagram, they have crossed the imaginary (?) line and the previously unwary public are now expressing their wariness.   How can a company with so much money, so much potential (?) worth and a heap of arrogance brought on by their size and net presence (power) be trusted?  The answer is that it can't- it never could be.  Fleecebook has lost it's "cool factor".  This be true in spite of the fact that many of us never believed that it had one....

For you old timers - Exercise for People Over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks...

Baby Boomer Hits

Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Procol Harem: A Whiter Shade of Gray

Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations: Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba: Denture Queen

Tony Orlando: Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy: I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore: It's My Heart Attack, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson: On the Commode Again 

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? A completely brilliant question !!!!!!!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Another completely brilliant question !!!!

Easter Wrap up - Catholics ONLY PLEASE!
First - is it just me or does the fact everyone has HAM on EASTER seem odd? We celebrate Jesus (who was JEWISH) with HAM!!! Who came up with that one???

Here is the "Secret Stuff" we know that NON-CATHOLICS don't know:

Secret Catholic Stuff
This information is for Catholics only. It must not to be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off everyone is.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Free Lunch?

So the next time you think you are getting a session on free WiFi- remember there is no such thing as a free lunch.  Every time the user thinks he or she is getting s deal, there is a catch.  Either they are going to inject advertising or steal you private data and sell it, or both.  Even the days of getting what you have paid for, are gone.  Everyone is getting more than they paid for, but unfortunately, the "more" is undesirable.

So last evening we watched War Horse.  It was a well made epic that was totally ignored by the academy awards.  The photography and sets were extremely well done.  The special effects were pretty amazing.  This is definitely proof that the awards are political and may even be bought! 


Ev had his first broadcast on KJEE radio today.  He spent a good part of yesterday recording it.  Apparently it went off without issue.  Much congratulations.


Tori should be returning to Rome any time now.  It was a long spring break in Vienna and Budapest, and I'm sure it will never be forgotten...

25 Acronyms You Never Stopped To Figure Out
We hear them everyday, but how many of us stop to find their meaning? Here's a list of 25 words you may not have known the meaning to, much less even known they were acronyms in the first place.

1. ZIP Code
Zone Improvement Plan Code

 2. M&M's
Mars and Murrie

3. RE: (In An E-mail)
Regarding (not reply!)

4. T9 (On Cellphones)
Texting On 9 Keys

5. HTTP
Hypertext Transfer Protocol

6. WD-40
Water Displacement - 40th Attempt

7. Laser
Light Amplification by the Stimulated Emission of Radiation

8. JPEG
Joint Photographic Experts Group

9. IMAX
Image Maximum

10. Radar
RAdio Detection And Ranging

 11. Lego
LEg GOdt (play well in Danish)

12. Nabisco
NAtional BIScuit COmpany

13. Canola
CANadian Oil, Low Acid

14. PAM
Product of Arthur Meyerhoff

15. OK
Oll Korrect (all correct)

16. GEICO
Government Employees Insurance Company

17. Wi-Fi
Wireless Fidelity

18. IKEA
Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd

19. CAPTCHA
Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart

20. Q-Tips
Quality Tips

21. RSVP
Répondez S'il Vous Plaît (Reply Please)

22. D-Day
Day-Day. Not dooms day!

23. AM, FM Radio
Amplitude Modulation, Frequency Modulation

24. Yahoo
Yet Another Hierarchical Official Oracle

25. R2D2
Reel Two, Dialogue Two

Classic Southern Expressions
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."


xxxxxxxxxx

Enough is enough!

Don't we all wish that the political pundits would convince the never do wells that are running against Uncle Mitt for the Republican candidacy to give up.  Does Santorum or Paul or Gingrich really think that giving their support to Uncle Mitt will buy them something or some position ?  I am REALLY tired of all this election crap and soon we are going to hear it from Obama too.  Perhaps the most recent proposal about one six year term for Presidents is a good idea.  Consider that the POTS can get on with the job and stop worrying about reelection AND the field will be an open slate for every election!  I am pretty sure that that is the way to go with ALL politicians.  No longer will it be a career and no longer will I favor providing medical (etc) benefits until they are dead...

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the
earth.....After that, everything else was Made in China.

Home Economics - Then and Now

1950 Home Economics
The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now the updated version for the '00s woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo video games. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.  

Work
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Big Bro-

If you ever had any doubts about the direction that this country is moving... read this story!  I may preach about smart phone privacy or cell phone provider privacy or Fleecebook privacy, but this story tells about a whole 'nuther level (maybe more than one) higher.  There won't be any secrets on electronic data.  This NSA center will be the most ever hacked system and has to have the most intelligent and stringent firewalls AND still be able to do what it was designed for....  You can be sure of absolutely one thing, though;  they are NOT telling you everything about it...

THIS HAS BEEN MY PLAN FOR YEARS
Are you worried your pension will run out?

You're a Senior Citizen and suddenly you fall ill.
After months of waiting, the Government says there is no nursing home
available for you,
Or you can pay thousands per month for Private Care - what do you do?

Enroll today for Senior Health Care Solution.
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets.

Go ahead and shoot two or three major scumbags of your choice and make the world a better place to live.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison for temp insanity.

However, once there you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head,
television with no license fee, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
New teeth? - No problem. Need glasses, New hip, knees, kidney, lungs,
heart? All Covered!
Bubba won't bother you - you are too old.

Your kids can still come and visit you as often as they do now.
But, I hear you ask, who will be paying for all of this? Well the answer is simple,
It’s the same Government that told you they cannot afford for you to go into a Nursing Home.
In addition, because you are a prisoner, you do not have to pay income tax any more!
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
No wonder the rest of the world’s population can’t get here fast enough!

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream and hope that you might one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!


TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It's TRUE!


Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, several extra strength large garbage bags and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!


Now follow the 40 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!

REMEMBER. This transformation will not be easy! It requires courage and determination! When the going gets tough, just keep thinking of the freedom and the excitement of the Redneck life that waits for you!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. The corporate environment is required.

Before you begin this exciting transformation, have a photograph taken of yourself as a well dressed yuppie executive. This is for comparison later!

Now, follow the instructions carefully:

1) We assume you are a dignified, impeccably-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.

If you are not dressed like this, or the equivalent, stop NOW and continue when you are.

As a successful executive you know that presentation is everything: perfect suit, shoes, hair, tie, car, home, teeth and briefcase. Well, it’s the same with rednecks – only in reverse.

FIRST, untie and remove mirror-shined high-powered handmade executive shoes. Peel off fancy business socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you. Until now, you have been told “The first thing people notice are your shoes!” From now on, SHOES ARE YOUR ENEMY!

(Note: This will work with all shoes worn by high-class executives and other professionals, including Johnston & Murphy wingtips and those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put those shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail!

You will be STRONGLY tempted to put those fancy city boy shoes back on your feet - resist this! It will soon become natural. You will soon REFUSE to wear shoes - it sounds impossible, but it's true! Have courage! Persevere!

If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to drag you off your hotshot corporate high horse in a hurry, and down into the redneck world! After this, you WON’T be able to get back on that corporate ladder! Trust us!

PROP BARE FEET ON POLISHED OFFICE DESK, WITH SOLES FACING OPEN OFFICE DOOR.

Yes, you read this correctly! It will be a challenge to everything you have been in the past! But remember: the life of a Bubba is calling you!

Do NOT remove bare feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

Suggest that well-dressed client and boss should kick off THEIR Italian wingtips and socks and that THEY would also be more comfortable barefoot.

5) Remove your monogrammed cufflinks and scratch the soles of your feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put the cufflinks back on.

6) Use your classy silk made-in-France necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use your silver tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put the tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

8) Eat lunch with a knife only. Wipe the dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Remember, you must UNLEARN all your good “businessman” manners! Forget all those lessons you learned in your uppity prep school. Rednecks have a different code!

9) Reach under your suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. Scratch hard! Do this often.

10) Open a can of beer. Drink very rapidly and then belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on your business suit. Discarded silk business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile the empty cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in your mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit.

Those shiny shoes you took off may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! Return to garbage can when finished! See Step #3.

13) Now it is time to get rid of all the rest of those yuppie clothes you’re wearing. This will be very difficult. Until now this has been your uniform! Not anymore! For you are now a redneck!

14) Untie and remove your dapper, natty silk necktie. Neckties belong to the white-collar world you are leaving! What do you need a necktie for? You’re a Bubba now! You’re free! Drop it in the garbage.

15) Now, take off all that stupid jewelry and extra useless stuff that hotshot businessmen wear: unfasten and remove your gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck the pocket square from your suit, unfasten your tiepin, unbutton and pull out your suspenders. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

16) Slide your Rolex watch off your wrist. Rednecks do NOT wear wristwatches of any kind! Throw it out NOW! You will keep looking at your wrist for a while, but soon you won’t care what time it is.

14) Now the suit: ultimate symbol of corporate success, but also an obstacle to bubbahood! Strip off that expensive tailored Italian business suit, the crisply starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss ALL items in the garbage can. Do NOT carefully fold that suit. Just dump it in the garbage.

Note: Removal of that beautiful hand-tailored business suit will be TRAUMATIC for the uppity, high and mighty upper class businessman you have been until now. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for a shock to your system.

15) Shred all the contents of your briefcase. Add the briefcase, your cell phone, Ipod and day-timer to the garbage can.

16) Cut up all business and credit cards, without exception, and throw away your wallet.

17) Cut up your Ivy League and and other prestigious college degree. Also, destroy all evidence of professional accomplishments and success. You will NOT need them!

18) Put on overalls. Walk around in them to get used to your new look. Take pride in your redneck identity!

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. Let your jaw go slack.

20) Cancel subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit that high-paying prestigious white-collar job immediately and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Now prepare yourself: Those nice white businessman teeth of yours will have to go. Have you seen a redneck’s teeth? Make appointment with a dentist. Have the two front top teeth removed. Chip all other teeth and stain yellow with tobacco juice.

23) We have more news for you: Your hair has to go as well. That thick head of carefully groomed, neatly parted executive hair just won’t fit with the redneck world. Just think of the joys of the redneck world that await! Make appointment with a surgeon. Have all hair on the top of your head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. Have a unibrow added.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week using blunt razor. Be careful to leave a scraggly beard at ALL times. That clean-shaven look you have now goes well with a boardroom – but not for a Bubba!

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. You’re used to daily showers. Forget it.

26) Begin an intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell your Porsche. No redneck drives a fancy foreign car!

28) Buy a used, rusty and very old pickup.

29) Sell your condo.

30) Sell all of your furniture.

31) Sell all of your executive sports equipment.

32) Start growing a beer gut. Yes, you MUST gain weight! Do NOT exercise at all while doing this. Eat large amounts of fatty foods. Add at least 40 pounds to your stomach. Say goodbye to that dapper, trim executive image and be free!

33) Buy a dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

34) Give or throw away ALL your remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including that Burberry tuxedo and overcoat and those patent leather pumps you wore to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained. The clothes of a wealthy executive will have no place in your new life! Bubbas DO NOT wear tuxedos! And that tux won’t fit over your new beer gut!

35) Sell your stocks, bonds and ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL ASSSETS.

36) Give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money. You are now officially below the poverty line and will remain there.

37) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

38) Find a wrecked car and leave it in front of your shack.

39) Have your name changed legally from "William" or "Andrew" or "Timothy" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".

40) Now - have a photograph taken of yourself as a Bubba. Compare with earlier photograph! We are so sure you will be satisfied we will refund your money if you are not!

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

Hi y'all...muh name id's Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me... Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then there's my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It's hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

That's the END OF MUH FAMEILY!

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

Wasted studio monies...

Last Saturday evening, we had free passes to see "The Hunger Games".  I probably wouldn't have, if I had to pay.  I had not heard of these books previous to them making a movie.  So what was our reactions to the movie?  For one, it was way too long.  There were many areas where portions could have been left out and it would not have detracted from the storyline.  The capital officials were hokey, ridiculously dressed and (purposely) infantile.  While the story has obvious Roman roots that are pushed into technological futuristic settings; the story was non-nonsensical.  If there were a holocaust that caused major death and destruction, as well as a shortage of food- why would the "government" be sanctioning or even sponsoring a killing contest?  It would seem that a better choice would be to limit the number of births.  Jennifer Lawrence fit the part so well because it was almost the same character that she played in "Winter's Bone".  I like her as an actress, but this story is being touted as the next Harry Potter- I think not.  It is making lots of money, but it does not have the same mass-appeal.  It was lucky enough to be brought to the theaters with very little competition- and therefore had very little effort to "whomp" them.  I would heartily recommend it to some hormone ridden sixteen year old, as that must be the focus audience.

On Sunday, we rented Tower Heist. Small portions of the story were funny.  Small portions of the movie were believable.  Most of it was really bad.  Why do they make nonsensical crap like this?  Don't they even test it in front of an audience before release ?? Is it just that the studios will make a movie about anything, and throw their money away, or are they just plain stupid?

Deep breath please
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.