I am typing this over my newly acquired (this morning) cable modem which is DOCSIS 3.0 compatible.  Apparently, the local cable company decided to upgrade and not tell us.  The old one worked fine for very shot periods of time, but then dropped off (perhaps confused by the new packet format).  My point here is that everything keeps "improving" to support new features or more speed.  I was quite happy with the capabilities of my old cable modem, but I am forced to upgrade (if I want any semblance of reliability) to a new Chinese made mode.  Could I find one made in America- NO!  So here I have not been given any choice in the matter of my purchase.  They are all (at least what was available to me) made in China.  So I am supporting their economy, and hurting ours for that very reason- I HAVE NOT BEEN GIVEN A CHOICE!  Would I pay more for an American one, probably.  Wouldn't it be great if we had that choice on everything?  Even items that appear American are probably not 100%.  Wouldn't it be interesting to see information on GM, Ford and Chrysler as to the percentage of American components on each vehicle.  I think we are all being duped into thinking that we are supporting our own economy by buying what appears to be American- when it is truthfully not!

The Entabulator

Many years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty automatic transmission business.

They were preparing to tape their first introductory video and, as a warm up, one of the stage crew began a monologue that has become legend within the training industry.

This man should have won an academy award for his performance.
Now keep in mind, this was a rehearsal for camera, lighting, and stage crew, and he had no script! This is all strictly off the cuff, nothing is written down, and nothing he says is true.
It's just meaningless drivel and BS made up as he goes along.

I am told this video is still utilized as a training aide for incoming congressmen, lawyers, and current White House Administrators.

 

Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him
and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one
arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down
one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just
like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Modern Thinking

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. 

Women and cars don't mix

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' 

In breaking election news, None of the Above, has taken a commanding lead over the other presidential hopefuls.

While still a bit of a mystery, None of the Above has managed to siphon off most of the "Anybody but Romney" voters, as well as most of the "Please not Obama" again vote.

In addition to siphoning votes from the leading contenders, None of the Above has decimated the "Googled Santorum", "Ergo Ego Gingrich" and "Ron Who" campaigns. 

Net to Brick!

I am a PayPal user.  I have been for several years and it appears to work well and very securely.  I have a debit card from them that allows me to utilize the monies in the account in other ways (not necessarily online).  I would sell stuff on Ebay and instantly have the money available via my PayPal debit card.
Occasionally, I would buy things from the local Home Depot store.


Recently, I went into that store to get light bulbs and batteries.  I USUALLY go though the self service check-out counter (another story totally).  This time, when I punched the spot on the screen that said I am done, and ready to check-out- PayPal was an option!  This is the first occurrence (at least to me) of an online entity leaking over to a bricks & mortar application.  I thought it was wonderful.  It does men, however, that I would have to enter my usercode and password into a self-checkout machine for it to work.  This may take longer than the people behind me in line want to wait.  Still, I am impressed.

The Janitor is Missing

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!" 

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30 years and, at the urging of their friends and family, the finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.

So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.

“Well,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully, “I’d have to say… I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked… “Is that one word or two?” 
 

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream and hope that you might one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It's TRUE!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, several extra strength large garbage bags and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!


Now follow the 40 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!

REMEMBER. This transformation will not be easy! It requires courage and determination! When the going gets tough, just keep thinking of the freedom and the excitement of the Redneck life that waits for you!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. The corporate environment is required.

Before you begin this exciting transformation, have a photograph taken of yourself as a well dressed yuppie executive. This is for comparison later!

Now, follow the instructions carefully:

1) We assume you are a dignified, impeccably-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.

If you are not dressed like this, or the equivalent, stop NOW and continue when you are.

As a successful executive you know that presentation is everything: perfect suit, shoes, hair, tie, car, home, teeth and briefcase. Well, it’s the same with rednecks – only in reverse.

FIRST, untie and remove mirror-shined high-powered handmade executive shoes. Peel off fancy business socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you. Until now, you have been told “The first thing people notice are your shoes!” From now on, SHOES ARE YOUR ENEMY!

(Note: This will work with all shoes worn by high-class executives and other professionals, including Johnston & Murphy wingtips and those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put those shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail!

You will be STRONGLY tempted to put those fancy city boy shoes back on your feet - resist this! It will soon become natural. You will soon REFUSE to wear shoes - it sounds impossible, but it's true! Have courage! Persevere!

If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to drag you off your hotshot corporate high horse in a hurry, and down into the redneck world! After this, you WON’T be able to get back on that corporate ladder! Trust us!

PROP BARE FEET ON POLISHED OFFICE DESK, WITH SOLES FACING OPEN OFFICE DOOR.

Yes, you read this correctly! It will be a challenge to everything you have been in the past! But remember: the life of a Bubba is calling you!

Do NOT remove bare feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

Suggest that well-dressed client and boss should kick off THEIR Italian wingtips and socks and that THEY would also be more comfortable barefoot.

5) Remove your monogrammed cufflinks and scratch the soles of your feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put the cufflinks back on.

6) Use your classy silk made-in-France necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use your silver tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put the tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

8) Eat lunch with a knife only. Wipe the dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Remember, you must UNLEARN all your good “businessman” manners! Forget all those lessons you learned in your uppity prep school. Rednecks have a different code!

9) Reach under your suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. Scratch hard! Do this often.

10) Open a can of beer. Drink very rapidly and then belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on your business suit. Discarded silk business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile the empty cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in your mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit.

Those shiny shoes you took off may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! Return to garbage can when finished! See Step #3.

13) Now it is time to get rid of all the rest of those yuppie clothes you’re wearing. This will be very difficult. Until now this has been your uniform! Not anymore! For you are now a redneck!

14) Untie and remove your dapper, natty silk necktie. Neckties belong to the white-collar world you are leaving! What do you need a necktie for? You’re a Bubba now! You’re free! Drop it in the garbage.

15) Now, take off all that stupid jewelry and extra useless stuff that hotshot businessmen wear: unfasten and remove your gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck the pocket square from your suit, unfasten your tiepin, unbutton and pull out your suspenders. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

16) Slide your Rolex watch off your wrist. Rednecks do NOT wear wristwatches of any kind! Throw it out NOW! You will keep looking at your wrist for a while, but soon you won’t care what time it is.

14) Now the suit: ultimate symbol of corporate success, but also an obstacle to bubbahood! Strip off that expensive tailored Italian business suit, the crisply starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss ALL items in the garbage can. Do NOT carefully fold that suit. Just dump it in the garbage.

Note: Removal of that beautiful hand-tailored business suit will be TRAUMATIC for the uppity, high and mighty upper class businessman you have been until now. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for a shock to your system.

15) Shred all the contents of your briefcase. Add the briefcase, your cell phone, Ipod and day-timer to the garbage can.

16) Cut up all business and credit cards, without exception, and throw away your wallet.

17) Cut up your Ivy League and and other prestigious college degree. Also, destroy all evidence of professional accomplishments and success. You will NOT need them!

18) Put on overalls. Walk around in them to get used to your new look. Take pride in your redneck identity!

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. Let your jaw go slack.

20) Cancel subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit that high-paying prestigious white-collar job immediately and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Now prepare yourself: Those nice white businessman teeth of yours will have to go. Have you seen a redneck’s teeth? Make appointment with a dentist. Have the two front top teeth removed. Chip all other teeth and stain yellow with tobacco juice.

23) We have more news for you: Your hair has to go as well. That thick head of carefully groomed, neatly parted executive hair just won’t fit with the redneck world. Just think of the joys of the redneck world that await! Make appointment with a surgeon. Have all hair on the top of your head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. Have a unibrow added.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week using blunt razor. Be careful to leave a scraggly beard at ALL times. That clean-shaven look you have now goes well with a boardroom – but not for a Bubba!

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. You’re used to daily showers. Forget it.

26) Begin an intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell your Porsche. No redneck drives a fancy foreign car!

28) Buy a used, rusty and very old pickup.

29) Sell your condo.

30) Sell all of your furniture.

31) Sell all of your executive sports equipment.

32) Start growing a beer gut. Yes, you MUST gain weight! Do NOT exercise at all while doing this. Eat large amounts of fatty foods. Add at least 40 pounds to your stomach. Say goodbye to that dapper, trim executive image and be free!

33) Buy a dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

34) Give or throw away ALL your remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including that Burberry tuxedo and overcoat and those patent leather pumps you wore to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained. The clothes of a wealthy executive will have no place in your new life! Bubbas DO NOT wear tuxedos! And that tux won’t fit over your new beer gut!

35) Sell your stocks, bonds and ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL ASSETS.

36) Give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money. You are now officially below the poverty line and will remain there.

37) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

38) Find a wrecked car and leave it in front of your shack.

39) Have your name changed legally from "William" or "Andrew" or "Timothy" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".

40) Now - have a photograph taken of yourself as a Bubba. Compare with earlier photograph! We are so sure you will be satisfied we will refund your money if you are not!

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

Even more clues you could be a Redneck...

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

Nomophobia: The latest drug dependency...

Do you have nomophobia? The addiction  to the use and dependence on their phone is taking over the world.  Being afraid to face life without it is nomophobia.  It creates panic attacks and high anxiety.  It is a drug!

I am certainly amazed that the formerly (G)OP candidates haven't given up yet.  Poor old Mitt is having a tough time keeping his story straight long enough to get a majority.  The balance of them should just drop out of the race and let Mitt start dealing with Obama instead of wasting time dealing with them.  Formerly quiet Sarah Palin has been speaking up again and has thrown her support to Newt- poor guy.  I am sure that that is not going to help him enough to win anything AND it may make it worse.   Perhaps she is looking for a VP position...

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies. 

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son. Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me.
After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics, so I said, "When I was a young lad, my mother told me that if I made a ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."

The little bastard replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

Tour Guide For Northerners

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.  

Blowhard or Not?

I am really confused.  If, on one hand, we call Rush Limbaugh a blowhard and ignore what he says; why is everyone upset at what he said?  We shouldn't have been paying attention.  The sponsors should be ecstatic that he is getting so much attention, instead of dropping his sponsorship.  Why is it that we allow people on the radio to say almost anything, including expressing their opinions- and then pick out one small insignificant occasion to slap them on their wrists?  It appears as though we operate like young children, only crying when mommy is listening.  This smacks of selective enforcement...

Two Lawyers on an Island

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time..... so ....do you think we should ....well ... you know ..... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer.

She was only a...

PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.

HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.

BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!

STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!

FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!

PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!

SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.

ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.

WELDER'S daughter but she had acetylene tits.

Appliances on the Internet

Last night we watched Hugo.  I have to admit that it was a feast for the eyes, but not exactly what I expected.  It was probably a good kids story, but it left me wanting more.  We have been trying to see all of the nominated movies, but they were kicked out of our theaters due to the local film festival, and now we'll have to wait until they are on DVD.  So far we have seen Hugo, the Descendents, My Week With Marilyn, The Help and Midnight in Paris.  The others have been difficult to see.


I heard an ad on the radio for a new garage-door opener that is WiFi enabled.  This, they claim, is for two reasons: 1) so I can open and close my garage door with my smart phone, and 2) so that I can tell if my garage door is open when I'm not home.  Is this REALLY worth the possible exposure to hackers that want to clean out your garage (and house).  As it stands, most garage door openers have one out of 255 codes that someone has to try to get the door open.  Better models change codes each time they are operated.  If I leave my door open, that is my fault, just like if I leave the water running or the stove turned on.  I cannot see the value in putting all of my appliances on the internet.  
With the smart meters that are being installed all over, the utility companies will be able to tell when usage occurs.  Next they will want to know whether I am using gas for heat or cooking.  The have the capability to throttle you usage- in general- with these meters.  Why would I want to provide them with more information.
Would I want anyone to know that there is a possibility that I am not home because my garage door is closed and my power usage is way down?

Being Popular On Facebook Is Like....

.....sitting at the "cool" table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

Friday Accident Report

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. 

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me....I again lost my presence of mind....

I let go of the rope.................

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301.
I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . you're coming empty handed?"

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car." his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years in prison." 

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like."

Wall Street BS

Why aren't the right people offended by the bonuses on Wall Street?  These guys should be paying the government back for their loans or they wouldn't even still have jobs!  And to rub salt into the wound, still nobody has been indicted for wrongdoing that got us into this mess...

You may a Muslim

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. Your distant cousin is president of the United States.
You may be a Muslim 

Beer Habit
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it should cause a scene at the check out stand."
"I can handle that without a problem, the other nun replied and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, there's nothing you can't do. - Tommy Smothers

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that!...
I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

Addicted!

We are in danger of becoming addicted to our smart phones!  That is a very strong message.  We are increasingly becoming more dependent on a device which is robbing our independence and one that we may find out, can cause us physical harm such as cancer.  Also, because of the exposure of our personal data, we stand the strong chance of losing our identity, and certainly the control of our financial and emotional lives.  Are the advantages that smart phones bring to our existence worthy of the risk ?  How do we remain in control?

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE
Bob, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Bob, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Nice people have fled....

Have you ever noticed that part of the the cost when you get the oil changed in your car is a "disposal fee" or a "recyling fee"?  I find it pretty interesting that the used oil collectors pay for the oil they pick up.  Basically, then, the consumer is getting ripped off again by paying a fee to the mechanic for a service that he gets paid for by the collector.  Pretty sharp!

Remember when you would walk past someone on the sidewalk and they would say "Good Morning" or "Have a nice day"?  Now they don't even want to make eye contact.  They would rather bury their faces in the cell phones and keep walking.  What ever happened to all those nice people?


Today I received a notice from the electric company that said that I will soon receive a smart meter.  Along with the notice was a brochure that provided me a way to get on a "delay" list.  The company will take the delay list and then decide whether there will be a means to opt out of the smart meter installation.  I don't believe that I'm concerned that they will put meter readers out of jobs or that they will broadcast my meter specifics.  I am more concerned that the company will gain dynamic control over my usage, being able to lower it in prime usage times, et cetera.  I cannot sanction losing control.  This could be the last straw that will force us off the grid...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students: "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Things Learned from Children

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, think of this as birth control.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A three year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough,however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
21. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 

I see smart people

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

Calls Hijacked!

Wow! Spying on a massive scale.  It appears as though all of us that have smartphones are vulnerable to being spied on via a well placed bit of malware. More important than those viruses that are designed to attack your desktop computers, these will even hijack your phone calls, allowing the spies to listen in on your conversations.  Didn't we just evaluate a smartphone for use in combat?  It seems that smartphones have definitely provided their share of oh-shits lately....


Has it ever occurred to anyone that markets no longer have sales?  What am I saying, you ask.  They put out a large ad every week with their sale items.  Let me explain.  Ever since we went to the barcode system of pricing, every market has the ability to change any price any time, as easy as editing a database value.  This will cause every register to charge that price every time it scans an appropriate barcode.  So if the store claims to put ABC product on sale for fifty cents off, it can adjust fifty other prices by a penny to make up for the sale price.  More importantly, by mining it's purchase history database, it is very easy to find out that a large percentage of the people that buy ABC, also buy DEF at the same time.  Therefore, reduce the price on ABC and raise the price on DEF.  More chances than none, the sale price will be easily made up with these price adjustments.  

What about coupons, you say?  Well, those are subsidized by the manufacturers, so they don't cost the store at all.

So What is the solution to savings at the market?  I believe that if you ONLY buy what is on sale, you can make out. If you buy because of impulse or convenience, then you lose.  When you buy non-food items in a market, you always lose (versus a discount store or pharmacy).

I still haven't figured out how some items are always significantly cheaper at certain market chains, and how they can get away with that.  One good example it a particular band of yougurt that my wife and I really like.  Albertson's sells them for $1.89 each, while Von's sells the same exact yogurt at different prices for different flavors, one as cheap as $1.25 and others as high as $1.89.  Trader Joe's sells them all for $1.49 and Target, for $1.25.   Now, granted, there is an economy of scale involved, but I cannot see how Target would buy more volume than Von's or Albertson's- except they sell more because of the price difference.  I'm sure that there are other items that are always significantly more expensive at those stores, to make up the profits.  So many games they play, just to get our business...  Too bad there is a neighborhood HONEST grocer available....

Why I call him honey

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.' 

Stuff you didn't know you didn't know
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:  $ 16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U...S. In any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go lick your elbow.

#20!

So who won the debate (I think #20) last night?  Does anybody really care?  Obviously the Republican party doesn't.  The formerly(G)OP is even considering a wildcat candidate and an open convention, since they can't actually get a majority of interest in anyone currently vying for nomination.  What a world.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to reallytick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?

To tank or not?

My neighbor just bought a new Hybrid car, a Prius.  I asked why that was, since her old car wasn't that old.  She said that she is scared about the $5 per gallon gasoline and now she get 50 miles per gallon.  I asked her if she drives the car a lot and she said, basically she uses it for shopping and it never leaves town.  Given that the car costs about $24k; I asked her how long she thought it would be before the investment paid off.  After I explained what I asked, I got a dirty look...  Why is it that $5 per gallon gasoline stirs up so much anxiety in people?  I will be driving my car until it is worn out, and still be ahead of my neighbor's expenditure.  If she had said that she was trying to be "green", then I would have been more understanding, I guess.

I think that it is pretty bad that there is a movement to boycott Saturday Night Live when Lindsay Lohan is the host.  One site even published a list of the ten worst hosts, and she is listed as number ten.  Now I realize that she is a spoiled brat that is drug and alcohol dependent, but aren't we rating her performance before it has occurred. I think we should be fair.  If she does a halfway good job, we should give her credit for it.  If she tanks; she will tank in a big way because it has been predicted.  Given that it has been predicted, why, you ask, has she been even given the honor of being the host ??

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Thibodeaux was sittin in his favorite barroom drinkin wen in comes a fella wit one of dem pit bull dog wit a spike colar. Da man come up to da bar an holler out, "Mah name is Simoneaux an Ah'm reddy to bet anyting dat Ah got me a dog dat will wip any udder dog in da worl.

Thibodeaux say, "Mais, chere, I will bet you one hunred dollars dat you dog can't beat mah german shepherd police dog which is right outside. Simoneaux say, "You got a bet." An dey all went outside where da two dogs growled at each oder a bit an Simoneaux's pit bull grabbed Thibodeaux's german shepherd by da troat an shook him to det. Thibodeaux pay up his bet an say, "Mais gollee, dat's de firs time any dog ever beat mah dog."

Dey go back inside an drink a few more beers, an Simoneaux say, "I will be back tomorrow at dis same time if anybody else wants to try to wip mah pit bull.

A lil wile latter Boudreaux come in to have him a beer… Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux, mah frien, a fella's pit bull don killed mah police dog an he say he can kill any dog in da worl." Boudreaux say, "Mais, Thibodeaux, Ahm shore sorry for you dat you lost you bes dog, but dat's not true bout his pit bull bein able to wip any dog in da worl. I bet one tousan dollars his pit bull can't kill mah yella dog." Thibodeaux say, "Simoneaux say he will be here agin tomorrow." Boudreaux say, "Ah.ll be here wit mah yella dog."

Da next day in come Simoneaux wit da same pit bull dog an Boudreaux is waitin' for him. Before Simoneaux can say a word, Boudreaux say, "Ah bet you one tousan dollars dat you pit bull dog can't wip mah yella dog." Simoneaux say, "You got youself a bet." An dey go outsde.

An dere tied to da telefone pole is da ugliest yella dog you never did see. Dat dog take one look at da pit bull dog an wit one lunge he grab dat pit bull dog an bit his head off. Simoneaux say, "Mais, Ah ain't never seen nuttin like dat before. Wat kine of dog is dat an wat's his name?" Boudreaux say, "Ah jus call him "dog" an Ah dunno wat kine of dog he is, but before Ah cut off his tale an paint him yella he was a alligator. 

‘T was the night before Mardi Gras, and all through the burb,
Denizens were in place to see the parades, even lining the curb;
The beads were hung from the floats with care,
In anticipation of the throngs that would soon be there;

The children were nestled all snug in the car,
Dreaming of doubloons tossed from afar;
Mamma in her toga, and me in my mask,
I was all tuckered out from my bead buying task.
When out in the street there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my perch to see what was the matter.

Away to the neutral ground I flew like flash,
Tripped over the Singleton sign and fell face down in the trash.
The sun was just rising on the St. Charles line
Giving the impression parade day would be fine.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the homeowner in his robe, his shouting so crass
”Hey, you buddy, get the hell off my grass!
The curmudgeoly old man, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he was a tourist, he acted like such a dick,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called me some name;
It was obvious to me, he didn’t understand the game.
I looked around before leaving, to see what was the matter
But no I hadn’t forgotten anything, Not even my ladder.
I gathered my things, and got ready to view
The amazing display that would be put on by the Krewe

I was ready as ready, me, Mr. Jimmy Crackcorn
I even had fresh double A’s, to use in my bullhorn.
I had borrowed a kid from some neighbor named Jim
So I could point to the toddler and say, “Hey the throws are for him!”
We worked all night on the “We’re from…” signs
Many places listed, the more exotic the better
After seeing all those, will they guess we’re from Kenner?
Continuing my mental tick list of things, forgetting the old coot,
Yep, I had my umbrella and fishnets, to help catch the loot.
I was stuffed with King cake, the tasty treat screamed “eat us”
I’d eat much more, if the toy didn’t look like a fetus.
The middles are not plain, but now stuffed with a filling
Since McKensies went bankrupt, small bakers made a killing. heard the music, the parade was near
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
Floats so lovely, adorned in things so bold
And trimmed of course in green, purple, and gold.
“I can’t get enough!” I thought, so I recounted them all
“Now, Zulu! now, Rex! Now, Endymion and Proteus!
To the end of St. Charles! to the top of Canal!
Then fade away! fade away! fade away all!”

“Damn I’m thirsty,” I thought, as I took a swig of my booze
“I hope I don’t have to pee before I see all of the Krewes!”
And then he appeared, the King of the Day,
He laughed and he chortled, and got ready to play.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Reached in his sack, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, skyward went the throws!
The beads, candy and toys all flew like rain
Me and ma were so drunk, we was feelin’ no pain.
The kids were getting trampled, ordinarily a horror
But not today, cause someone nearby was surely a lawyer!
The crowds were noisy, their hearts were a thumpin’
As they cried in unison, “Hey Mister, throw me sumpin!” 

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.

Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around and Boudreaux got knocked unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," Someone answer. "Don you worry a bout nittin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by sep, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high yu are, an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all day wa to da front of da plane."

"No! No! No!" answer da tower. " What you altitude, an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

" No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. " Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don beleieve dis plane related to you airport!"

A long pause-----de silence was deafanin.

"We needs to know whoo you next of kin."

Irish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes!
Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ....... but all men...are men!

The Potter Philosophy on Exercising
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per
month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Now unlike Potter, I know that physical exercise is good for you. I've listed below my program of strenuous activities. You are invited to use my program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing my pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing my weight around
7) Dragging my heels
8) Pushing my luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Tooting my own horn
17) Climbing the ladder of success
18) Pulling out the stops
19) Adding fuel to the fire
20) Opening a can of worms
21) Putting my foot in my mouth
22) Starting the ball rolling
23) Going over the edge
24) Picking up the pieces

Happy Exercising!