Just Another Day

So here we are on Valentine's Day.  According to Wikipedia, Saint Valentine's Day, often simply Valentine's Day is a holiday observed on February 14 honoring one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentinus.  So, you ask, what has this to do with Cupid or greeting cards? The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Chaucer in the Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering candy, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). So what has this to do with modern romance- actually nothing.  The greeting card, flower, and candy consortium (?) has convinced us that we NEED a holiday in February (heretofore uncelebrated in any way except shortness).  The holiday should push a topic close to the hearts of men, and tug at their wallets. Also, the stores did not want to take down Christmas decorations and immediately put up St. Patrick's Day decorations.  This way, the space in the stores did not go empty for a month.  
This is contrived holiday which promotes good feelings between you and your significant other, but isn't that what anniversary celebrations are for ??

So does this day have any political connections?  Probably not, but the cartoon below really says it all....  I think they all have a bit out of them by now...

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot.

The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed."


Bumper stickers we'd like to see....

Voters

Why would anyone with half a brain care what Sarah Palin has to say or believe that she could sway an election by what she says? The commotion in the primaries for the formerly(G)OP candidate is such a mess that frontrunners come and go with each primary.  Sometimes I think that the best support that a candidate could get is if Obama would say that he didn't think he could win against that person.  Of course he wouldn't say that, because there isn't (and won't be) a viable competitor. 
I think that the real answer here is that many people that vote are uninformed.  They vote on a whim or arbitrarily because they like the candidate's hair, or don't like the other candidates wife...or some other non-applicable reason.  Unfortunately, their vote counts just the same.

How to be a gracious southern bitch
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding."

Medical terminology 
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

As usual, the people that have to use software don't get the opportunity to shape what they use.  Of course we would want all software to be intuitive so that a manual is not needed, but one would expect a website to display what information one wants.  My daughter flew today from Rome to Milan.  I decided to check on her flight from the EasyJet website and that was a mistake.  All that I could tell was that the arrival time was progressively getting later.  I could not tell that the plane had not departed yet, and was an hour and a half late getting off.  This is worry some.  I really don't expect them to put down the reason for the lateness, but it sure would have been nice to know that the plane was still on the ground and not circling somewhere.  
When I went to the Milan airport site, I actually got a graphic of a plane over a Google map showing exactly where is was and also as it progressively got closer to Milan airport.  Why isn't this a generalized app that every site can tap into, instead of producing websites that are worthless, that philosophy would make them all as capable.  This is probably why the very small apps on smart phones are so popular, because you only REALLY need the app to do one thing, do it well, and be done.  So dividing up the tasks in such a way that you always have the best apps doing the best job for you that they can, means that you don't have to deal with crappy websites and their lack of capabilities.

The Light turned yellow
 The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

One farmer asks another, "What would you do, if you won a million dollars?" The other farmer thinks for a moment, then says, "I guess keep farming until the money runs out."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel.The ride completed and she seemed rather bored.

"What do you wanna do now?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster.After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy.

"What else she would like to do?" he asked her.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and decided to take the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early.

"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Absowutewy wousy," said the girl.

Ebonics?
Tyrone is a 20 year old 5th grader. This is his homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Foreclose.
If I pay alimony today, I'll have no money forclose.

2. Rectum.
I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum.

3. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment.
Da gonna send me backtada joint if I miss disappointment.

5. Penis
doctor gave me a cup and said "penis"!!!!!

6. Israel
Alonza try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say,"Bullshit, that watch israel".

7. Catacomb
Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody oughta give that catacomb.

8. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the appartment undermine.

9. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

10. Iraq
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle Iraq, you break.

11. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan to be stain for dinner?"

12. Seldom
My cousin gave me tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Honor
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?"

14. Odyssey
I tol' my brother, "You odyssey see the tits on the ho!"

15. Axe
The policeman want to axe me some questions.

16. Fortify
I axed this ho, "how much?" she say "fortify."

17. Income
I just got in bed wit da ho an' income my wife.

LOL.....

Ridiculousness Aside...

I certainly can say that I'm surprised that Santorum (don't look up the meaning of his name on Wikipedia...) has managed to win the last three states in the race(?) for the nomination.  Does this mean that he is doing a better job than Mr. Milquetoast (Uncle Mitt) ?  Probably.  Mitt is not pushing hard enough, riding on his past wins.  This only goes to show that there is no rest for a "serious candidate".  All of Mitt's monies may not buy the candidacy, in spite of the fact that he is the ONLY GOP candidate that is electable.  Hopefully, his campaign takes these losses as a wake-up call.  Santorum doesn't stand a chance against Obama, even with the not-Obama votes.

I remember the Pet Rock.  It was an unqualified, but unexplainable success.  Can it be done again ?  Now I see a toothbrush that sings Bieber tunes and a bacon tuxedo.  Are they silly enough to make any money?  Are we doomed to invest in nonsensical crap rather than actual usable and sensible products?  Is American ingenuity being wasted on crap?




Isn't it amazing that the whole LAUSD fiasco is happening.  As the story unfolds, it is beyond belief that they sat on the evidence for over eighteen years, while countless molestations took place, without doing ANYTHING that might cause a lawsuit.  Now they have arrested a second teacher and a third is implicated.  I feel for the kids and their parents.  Nothing has been said yet about the liability of the school district personnel.  They should all be fired, and then sued.  Criminal charges should also be made agains those "in charge".

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-Sauce unknown

Valentine Poems

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell.”

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime. 

Life is all about ASS!

You're either married to an ASS, divorced from an ASS or trying to forget an ASS. You're either working your ASS off, sweating your ASS off, laughing your ASS off, kicking ASS, kissing ASS, spanking ASS, hauling ASS, wiping ASS, busting ASS, trying to get a piece of ASS! Or, you ARE an ASS. 

The Magic Green Hat
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. 





It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.


At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!  

Rejected State Mottos

Alabama
Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?

Alaska
Come, freeze your butt off

Arizona
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds

Arkansas
At least we're not Mississippi

California
The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state

Colorado
Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny

Connecticut
Way too close to New York

Delaware
You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it

Florida
The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US

Georgia
Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome

Hawaii
Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Seleck, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed

Idaho
Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"

Illinois
Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa

Indiana
Home of David Letterman

Iowa
Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell

Kansas
Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat

Kentucky
Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville 

Louisiana
Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you

Maine
For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here

Maryland
If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

Massachusetts
Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...

Michigan
Land of the free, home of the Buick

Minnesota
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada

Mississippi
We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?

Missouri
Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois

Montana
Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.

Nebraska
More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north

Nevada
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site

New Hampshire
Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont

New Jersey
You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya

New Mexico
Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell

New York
At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes

North Carolina
Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina

North Dakota
The OTHER South Dakota

Ohio
Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell  

Oklahoma
We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto

Oregon
As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here

Pennsylvania
Cook with coal
Free lube job with oil change

Rhode Island
Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

South Carolina
Just south of North Carolina

South Dakota
Closer than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper

Texas
Si Hablo Ingles
See, everything is bigger in Texas!

Utah
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk

Vermont
Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns

Virginia
Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!

Washington
We like our state, so STAY OUT!

West Virginia
Where "family values" has a different meaning

Wisconsin
Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"

Wyoming
Where men are lonely and sheep are scared  
 

Can't Even Buy Service

I guess I picked a bad time to go to the market.  I was there today (Super Bowl Sunday)at about 1:00 and the place was mobbed.  I decided to get in the line to do self checkout.  I was almost done, when a woman was standing in behind me and piling her groceries on the shelf next to the the scale at the self checkout.  This is precariously close to the card swiper (where I would enter my pin).  I asked her nicely to step back and give me my privacy to complete my purchase, but she didn't move.  I then told her that I WAS NOT proceeding until she stepped back.  Very loudly, she called me rude and left to another checkout station. I proceeded, and then a man showed up and did the same thing.  I asked him nicely to wait in the appropriate place while I completed my purchase in private.  He said that I was rude and was I having a bad day?  
What is the story behind the lack of respect that one gets anymore?  People have to realize that they reap what they sow.  I am not looking to enter my PIN with someone looking over my shoulder.  I was having issues with the machine that repeatedly took my PIN digits doubled.  After three times, I managed to get it to work.  Then I proceeded to rem out the attendant's performance at traffic control.  My station was just adjacent to her location and she heard everything and saw that I was having problem, but chose to stay out of it- even though it is her job.  No matter WHERE you go, you cannot BUY the service that we have all come to expect for free!  Our society has become selfish and self serving.  Maybe I'm an old curmudgeon (I think not), but I think ANY customer DESERVES better!  On second thought, it would have been better to abandon my cart and just leave to go to a less crowded store.

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when
they happen to walk by a Catholic church.

They see a big sign posted that says,

"Convert to Catholicism and get $100"

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says,

"Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty
minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think
of?"

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk, smelling of alcohol, sat down on the subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replied 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks...
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand...
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.



A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big knockers who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

First Snow in Rome in 1985...

Good words from Tori in Rome:  She is having a fantastic time, except for the cold.  She is getting to visit so many places that either a tourist wouldn't know to got, or couldn't find.  She finally capitulated by buying some rubber boots, even though they are NOT stylish- it is better than wet feet that get very cold.  She looked so happy when it snowed...

I want to express my appreciation to Zuck and Fleecebook for making the market close higher and making me a lot of money.  Unfortunately, the market will take it back in the next trading day, but is was a nice gesture on his way to becoming a billionaire. 


Sorry I haven't been keeping up with much of the news as I've been too busy.  Obviously there is a similar issue in the L.A. Unified School District.  These officials must live under rocks and how do they manage to keep their jobs while there a pedifile predators disguised as teachers operating for almost two decades without even a hand slap.  I understand that they were concerned with lawsuits from the accused and therefore put the children's welfare way behind the financial risk.  Now, their problems are much worse, as they will certainly be sued by the victims, their parents, et cetera - AND hopefully lose their jobs AND hopefully spend some time in jail!!!

The Cure
Two housewives were drinking coffee.

Louise said, "I woke up this morning with an awful headache. Do you have a good remedy?"

Martha responded, "For my headaches, my husband is my remedy. He rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my breasts, kisses my tummy, and... well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!"

Louise smiled. "Sounds great! What time does he get home?"





The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

29 percent of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious
problem."

71 percent of respondents answered: "No es una problema
seriosa."

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in the big city......

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

The French
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

General George S. Patton
------------------------------

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

Norman Schwarzkopf
------------------------------

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

Marge Simpson
------------------------------

"As far as I"m concerned, war always means failure."

Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------


"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

Regis Philbin
---------------------------

"The last time the French asked for"more proof" it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

David Letterman
------------------------------

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."

Ted Nugent
------------------------------
"War without France would be like ... World War II."

Unknown
-----------------

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

Dennis Miller
------------------------------

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."

Alan Kent
-----------------------------

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It"s not known, it"s never been tried."

Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that"s because it was raining."

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv