Even Less than Worthless Endorsement...

Let me see; if I was going to vote in the Republican primary- what would I wait for NOT?  How about Todd Palin's endorsement (Who the hell is that and what would his endorsement mean) ?  If only I was considering voting for someone that has even less credibility than Sara Palin, would Todd fit the bill?  We'd sure like to think that people that vote have half a brain, but frequently I am reminded that that is a rash assumption! Certainly, they have no more smarts that the Bat Chain Pullers that are running for office....


What ever happened to the formerly (G)OP ?

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Collections of Birds
aerie of eagles
aerie of hawks
ascension of larks
band of jays
bevy of doves
bevy of quail
bevy of swans
bouquet of pheasants (when flushed)
brace of ducks
brood of chickens
brood of chicks
brood of hens
brood of turkeys (immature)
building of rooks
bury of conies
cast of hawks
chain of bobolinks
charm of finches
charm of goldfinches
charm of hummingbirds
chattering of choughs
chattering of chicks
clamor of rooks
clutch of chicks
colony of gulls
colony of penguins
colony of vultures
company of parrots
congregation of birds
congregation of plovers
conspirancy of ravens
convocation of eagles
cote of doves
cover of coots
covey of pheasants (on the ground)
covey of ptarmigans
covey of grouse
covey of partridges
covey of quail
crèche of penguins
deceit of lapwings
descent of woodpeckers
dissimulation of birds
dole of doves
dule of turtledoves
dule of doves
exaltation of larks
fall of woodcocks
flight of birds
flight of cormorants
flight of doves
flight of pigeons
flight of swallows
flock of birds
flock of chickens
flock of ducks
flock of geese
flock of pigeons
flock of swifts
flock of turkeys
flush of ducks
gaggle of geese
hedge of herons
herd of curlews
herd of swans
host of sparrows
huddle of penguins
kettle of hawks
lamentation of swans
mob of emus
murder of crows
murmuration of starlings
muster of peacocks
muster of storks
mustering of storks
nest of pheasants
nide of pheasants (on the ground)
nye of pheasants (on the ground)
ostentation of peacocks
pack of grouse
paddling of ducks
parcel of penguins
parliament of rooks
parliament of owls
party of jays
peep of chickens
piteousness of doves
pitying of turtledoves
plump of wildfowl
plump or waterfowl
raft of wigeons
raft of ducks
rafter of turkeys
rookery of penguins
scold of jays
sedge of bitterns
sedge of cranes
sedge of herons
siege of bitterns
siege of cranes
siege of herons
skein of geese (in flight)
skein of goslings
sord of mallards
spring of teals
storytelling of crows
storytelling of ravens
storytelling of rooks
team of ducks
tidings of magpies
unkindness of ravens
volery of birds
wake of buzzards
walk of snipes
watch of nightingales
wedge of geese (flying in a 'V')
wedge of swans (flying in a 'V')
wing of plovers
wisdom of owls
wisp of snipes 

I have a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled me over as we were speeding through Missouri.
Hoping to get off with a warning, I tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," I said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?" 

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work? 

Is 2012 the year that we will get off the phone?  Have we been sucked in by the convenience or perturbed at the interruptions and time wasted? The gubmint is restricting phone use more and more; while driving, for example.  There are many public places that declare themselves cell phone free areas.
On the other hand, think of all the profits being made by phone companies and those that they sell your personal information to.  When will the public wake up? When will the gubmint put further restrictions on the amount and type of data that can be extracted from cell phones and their users?
Will the public be able to separate from their smart phones?  More and more applications are being adopted as "the norm".  Soon, it is probable that credit/debit cards won't exist as we know them now, but only on are cell phones.  Don't be surprised to find that other "manual" chores will soon be delegated to your cell phone...
Recently, I was required to give my cell phone number to a mortgager.  They were not happy when I lied that I didn't own one. 

So all these pictures and videos are surfacing about Casey Anthony; who cares?  She is getting way too much attention.  I do care that she probably killed her daughter and got away with it, but why are we emphasizing what she is doing? Why do we care?  A much better topic is why did she get off?  What did the prosecutor do wrong? What happened in the jury?  I think that there are much better questions that need answering.  Meanwhile, let Casey Anthony sit in her own poop.  Her life is a shambles and probably won't get any better, certainly, than she deserves.

To Pee or Not to Pee   
I have a job.  I work, they pay me.  I pay my taxes & the government  Distributes my taxes as it sees fit.  In order to get that paycheck, in my case,  I am required to pass a random urine test  (with which I have no problem).  What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes  To people who don't have to pass a urine test.  So, here is my question:  Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check  Because I have to pass one to earn it for them?  Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.  I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT ----doing drugs while I work.  Can you imagine how much money each state would save  If people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?  I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!  Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't.  Hope you all will pass it along, though.  Something has to change in this country - AND SOON!  P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!

Mr. Milquetoast and the Bat Chain Pullers

It is actually shocking to me that I've had so little to say lately.  With all the ruckus in Iowa, it is amazing.  Apparently I've already rendered my opinion of Mr. Milquetoast and the Bat Chain Pullers (sounds like a rock group name).  'Nuff said, except that there was a tremendous emphasis on what the Iowans had to say, when IMHO  it was extremely over-weighted.  By exactly how much is yet to be seen.  So far, the Not-Romneys have managed to each get their fifteen minutes of fame and then sink their own ship with there own words.  Perhaps Vermont will be more telling...

Last evening, we watched "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"- not the latest one, but the version from 2009 that was Danish(?) with English subtitles.  What a shocker.  I am surprised that that version did not get more attention.  It was well done.  Word has it, though, that the latest version (with Daniel Craig) is better still.  I guess we will find out.  This may prove to be the sleeper of the season, just like the Black Swan was.

A Thoughtful Scottish Husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. Are ye taking me tae the pub with yous?"

"Nay," Jock replied. "I'm switching the heating aff while I'm oot."

Well, the bat chain pullers are beginning to fall, as Michelle Bachmann suspends her campaign (couldn't happen to a nicer candidate).  I wonder who will be next?  And what is with the competition for Mr. Milquetoast (Mitt) ?  Santorum (don't look up his name in Webster's) is giving him some unexpected competition.  They will all fall soon, though.  IMHO Mr. Milquetoast is the only electable candidate from the formerly (G)OP.

Bravo for a new law that supposedly will make it easier to change banks and even will let you take your account number with you!  So many people are giving up on their banks (and maybe changing to credit unions) that even two major banks are charging $25 to close your accounts!  Most banks are so arrogant that they quickly  forget (conveniently) whose money it really is!  It used to be a pain to open new accounts, but these two banks are making it a pain to close your accounts.  If my bank did that to me, I would pay the fee just to not be associated with them anymore!

You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now you can!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, and six cases of beer. That's all you will need to start!

Now just follow the 25 simple steps.

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin, and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove high and mighty fancy executive shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so don't deceive yourself. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!

4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry and into the redneck world!

Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on. Use necktie to wipe nose. Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on business suit.

5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.

6) Place tobacco in mouth. Practice spitting stream of tobacco juice on to computer screen or on polished office floor or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit or those Brooks Brothers shoes.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See step #3

7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.

8) Strip off uppity expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and daytimer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

9) Put on overalls.

10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbageman or janitor or sling has in a diner.

12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

15) Bathe twice a week.

16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all NG endings from words - havin instead of having. Learn to yelp and woop and holler.

17) Sell Porsche.

18) Buy used pickup.

19) Sell condo.

20) Buy shotgun shack.

21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts and accessories.

22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to redneck charity. You will not need money.

23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss episodes.

24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

25) Have name changed legally from Mark or Andrew or Kevin to Cletus or Bubba or Jed. 

Competition is Healthy

Let me tell you that returning to work today, after being off for three weeks, is way overrated. A large percentage of the staff is still off and it is difficult to get anything done- if I was going to.

I recently wrote a letter to the Mayor of Goleta complaining about the monopoly that my ISP has over the city and the surrounding areas. I feel that it would be worthwhile to have competition, especially if it would use a different medium to provide the service. Currently, I access my internet content over cable-TV coaxial cable. There is sufficient noise and overload to consider moving to an all fiber-optic approach. There are several companies that offer that service, but not here. The response was that they were shut out of the competition for service supplier. Here is the letter that I received in return:

Dear Mr. Lapman:

Mayor Easton forwarded your below email to me and asked that I respond.I'm copying my response to our Administrative Services Director as well,as she may have additional and more specific information for you.

Nonetheless, based on my knowledge of the subject, let me provide a bit of background which may prove helpful.A number of years ago the Federal Communications Commission (FCC)strengthened the feds control over local cable television systems.

Similar to the federal regulation of telephone networks and cellular systems it was believed and determined that the entire country would best served by standard laws and regulations. While local jurisdictions like Goleta lost a good bit of local control, customers around the nation were guaranteed a certain level of service and migration to new technologies that may not have been achieved uniformly were it not for the FCC regulations. That is just a bit of context.

Cox does not have a monopoly with the City. We could indeed entertain other competitive franchises with other providers or could even provide the service ourselves. But there is a hitch. Cox owners the delivery system and is not required to share it. As a result, there would have to be a very large incentive for another company to invest millions and millions of dollars in infrastructure costs and then attempt to underbid the competition in order to get enough subscribers to make their investment worthwhile. I suspect that rarely happens, especially not in
these economic times. What provides the greatest competition for Cox,however, is the satellite system that Direct TV offers. Similarly, the internet, wireless systems, and streaming video is opening up new avenues for customers to choose from.

Our Administrative Services Director, Michelle Greene, may be able to provide facts about local rates over the past 10 years, but you should know that rates in Goleta have not risen that greatly, at least over the past 6 years that I'm aware of. The FCC limits how much say we have over rates, but we have been active in trying to hold Cox accountable and have them maintain competitive rates while continuing to expand and improve service levels.

I hope this information helps in some way. Please feel free to contact our offices if you would like to speak with Michelle further about this subject or receive a copy of our franchise agreement with Cox Cable.

Sincerely,

Dan Singer
City Manager
City of Goleta

It is obvious to me, after reading this letter, that no company will EVER come in to compete with Cox. It is a lost cause.... There also doesn't appear to be any INCENTIVE from the local government to stimulate some competition. One must also keep in mind that it is not only the content for which we pay, but the poor service. Cox also has no incentive to perform better or cheaper! My response the the city manager:

Thank you Mr. Singer.

Please let me remind you, though, that even though there is no incentive (without major investment) for an additional company to try to compete with Cox; there is also NO incentive for Cox to perform or offer better than they currently do (which is poor, by any measure).

You speak of streaming video, of which I have recently attempted in order to replace my Cable TV with, except the ONLY internet service provider that offers enough bandwidth and speed is also Cox. I have found that most of the time their service is not reliable enough to watch a two hour streamed video without interruption.

Please reconsider your (the city's) stand and encourage other companies to compete, whether by WiFi or fiber-optic or other means to rein in the poor performance and higher prices that we get from Cox. If you had the means and/or desire to poll the community, I would bet that half or more of the Cox subscribers would drop them cold, given the chance with another supplier.

Sincerely,

I'm not sure where this is going, but I don't think I have anything to lose. It sure does add to my frustration level, though.

I'm looking forward to some heavy competition between the bat chain pullers in Iowa tonight, too!

Definition of a gun collector:

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had an estimated 1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. His house also had a secret escape tunnel. My favorite quote from the television reporter was, "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache”. By Southern California standards, the man was assumed to be "mentally unstable." However, if the same guy lived...

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector”.

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called, "The neighborhood Go-To guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called, "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called, "an eligible bachelor".

And, in Texas,he’d be called, “a deer hunting buddy”. 

Finally Rid of 2011

Being that we were on call as chauffeurs on New Year's eve, our celebration was tempered way down.  After a nice dinner out, we went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Having been transferred to the Victorian era by the movie, the sets and photography were phenomenal.  The plot unwound ever so slowly and the action never stopped.  It was Downey and Law at their best!

True nature of tools:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coke across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shucks'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips Screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering our palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Hope you found this informative

Nostalgia...

I spend a lot of time seeking anamnesis. The simpler life (of the past) is truly what I would like to return to.  When politicians still based their campaign on "character".  When someone's "word" meant everything.  When marriages lasted at least a "coon's age" and even longer.  When you could actually work on your car, because it was mechanical and simple. When you could actually buy a car for less than a house costs in some places. Where foods were pure and unadulterated.  When an honest wage could still be earned and still support a family of four. When you could still buy "Made in America" goods. When you could still buy a book or rent a movie....


Those days are gone, I lament.  Gone, at least, where most (maybe all) of us continue to live.

A Heartwarming Story Of The Advances Of Women In Achieving
Equality Throughout The World..........

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

Ode To The New Year

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt - I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

New Year's Day Prayer for One and AllDear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen

New Year's Day: "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.  Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." - Mark Twain

Don't Let the World Pass You By...

Note that the picture of the week changed a bit early.  We all need to slow down this holiday season.  Pause the frenzy and smell the flowers.  It is outrageous what there is around you that is ignored, usually unintentionally.

Uhhhhh, let's see... If I had a Verizon cell phone account and I wanted to make an online payment, I would give them an additional $2 in spite of their poor service and many network outages- NOT!  This sound like the absolute worst time to levy an additional charge.  Congratulations Verizon!

So by afternoon, Verizon pulled the fee.  Apparently they have never read about the BofA debit card fee....Customers don't mind paying when the fee makes sense.

Resolution

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more.

Drink. Drink some more.

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

I just bought an occasional table.

I have no idea what it does the rest of the time.

The "Nots"...

This week we went to see the latest Mission Impossible movie.  This was well done.  Tom Cruise doesn't let you catch your breath.  The pelting continues throughout.  The photography and special effects are very well done and provide seamless flow through the script. All factors considered, I would give it a B+ rating.

Truthfully, we were headed to see the latest Sherlock Holmes, as Robert Downey Jr. is one of my favorites.  Unfortunately, the scheduling of the shows made this one inconvenient, so we went with MI.  I am not sorry, though, as I'm sure we will see this eventually.

Watching the coverage of Iowa, one can only wonder what difference it will make on who wins.  You have Milquetoast Mitt and Not.  The "Nots" don't have a chance as they are extremists or are struggling to cover-up rattling skeletons in their closets. The best chance that Mitt has,is that he is not-Obama.

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Holiday Woes...

As hard as we tried, there is no escaping the erosion of the Christmas holiday.  The kids have grown, and even though they return for the holidays, the "truth" about Santa has escaped and turned loose the materialistic and high-anxiety of the society-defined holiday that we have today.  They have invented names for the high-shopping days.  We are deemed destined to participate or miss-out on all the bargains.  One must remember that we wouldn't be showing record profits unless even the best bargain still showed profits.

I rest my case on the desire to return to simpler times...


A by-product of these times has shaped my shopping so as not to include books for my family members.  Borders is no more.  Barnes and Noble is no longer here.  The one remaining bookstore, Chaucers, is packed with people and the aisles are clogged with stacks of yet unshelved books. 

Hollywood Video, Video Schmideo, Captain Video and Blockbuster's are all gone. Streaming is the norm.


Perusing book or DVD covers to be able to choose, is a luxury no longer available to us.  Selections are decisions that must be made in an immediate fashion.


I remember going to a newsstand and looking and dozens of magazines.  Sometimes I would find one to buy, but most of the time I left empty handed.  At least, I had a choice.  Now I am stuck with a subscription of what may be a good magazine, whether electronic or physical.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first
time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,
go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened
next?'"

Human Race Doomed?
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mom

Nag, Nag, Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????

2012 in About a Week...

Since I have been off work for a while and had plenty to do, but also time to reflect over the year's personal events; it has been some year.  There were many things I wanted to do that I didn't get to.  There were also things that I didn't want to do that I had to.  I watched a number of people get RIF'd (laid off). Some were friends and some were not.  A few of them had more time racked up that I do, but they went anyway.  I kept remembering what a wise man once said to be flexible, resourceful and not to wait for work, but to seek it and not make it a secret.  I tried my best to keep busy doing whatever was needed.  I wanted to travel more, but didn't.  I resisted the temptation to buy the latest technologies, which allowed me to watch them get replaced a month or even a week later.  We all kept up our health and lost unneeded weight, but I was supposed to get a physical examination and I let a whole year skip by without scheduling one.  I managed to find many excuses, some were good, but most were just excuses.  I volunteered a bit more than usual, but not enough.  I have to give back more and appreciated how lucky my family is.  I wanted to be more patient and more tolerant and I believe that I achieved that.  Unfortunately, I am still opinionated- maybe too opinionated.  This year brought so many topics to be opinionated about- especially politics and privacy. Those are two of my hot buttons.  I have resolved to drink less alcohol, but that was easy as I have weaned myself to the point where I really don't desire it.  I gave up soda and replaced it with iced tea.  This was a good thing; not because of the sugar (I always drank the diet), but I didn't need the citric acid or all the other undesirable contents.  I broke the habit of ice cream every night while I watched TV.  In fact, I may not have ice cream once a week now.  I miss it, but I don't miss the extra pounds and cholesterol.  It got replaced with nonfat yogurt and oat bran.  That doesn't sound very good, but it is better than the alternatives.  I stopped having cereal and milk in the morning.  In fact, I may have some cereal, dry, as a snack, but don't really drink the milk anymore.  There was probably a lot of sugars that I didn't need there as well.  I wanted to go fishing but another year went by when I didn't make time. Under the category of "Believe it or not": my mother made the best fruitcake [if anyone cares].  I was brought up having it each Christmas season.  I have seen many for sale, but nothing that looks good enough to buy.  I guess I wanted to make a "good" fruitcake for my family to dispel the myth that they are all bad and why would anyone eat one....so far I haven't.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-two).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Seasons Greetings

Being from Canada (the land of political correctness). Where we no longer have Christmas trees, but instead we have holiday trees. (honestly no bullsh**)
So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/ him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .
Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).
 

OH PISS ON IT!!!!!!! I want to wish everybody the best that the season has to offer. I hope that you enjoy the Love of Friends and Family. I hope that the special present you wanted is under your Beautiful Christmas Tree, when you wake up in the morning. I hope that you enjoy the day in whichever manner your faith wants you to enjoy it. I also hope that you have a prosperous 2012.
Merry Christmas and Best of Wishes.

 

A Good Show

We rented "The Help" last evening and I applaud it.  It was well cast, well presented and overall well done.  Having only spent a week of my life in Mississippi in the 80s, I know that not a tremendous amount has changed since the 60s.  This movie shows the breath of the the biases, the ugliness of racial prejudices and the ridiculousness of it all.  Actually, it rubs your face in the absurdity- and does it very well.  The critics gave it a 76% on Rotten Tomatoes, but the audience gave it 91%.  I favor the audience rating.  I liked the characterizations and that time period of Southern life, which has not been exploited enough to raise the awareness of inequity. 

‘Twas A Florida Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, twos not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house…stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up I-75 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL,
I WISH I COULD STAY!” 

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!” 

One Liners
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. 

Christmas cards

It was nice to see my 96 year old Granny today.
She has received over 40 Christmas cards.....Although 22 were from her friend Ethel who has Alzheimer's...

True stupid stories 
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. 

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. 

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. 

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.  




Predicting the Future ...

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, Inventor of TV

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosive." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likehood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Send a Meat-Cutter to Radio Shack- not me!

I was sent to the market today for a cut-up chicken.  There were none.  I called over the "meat-cutter" and asked if he had any more in the back.  He went to look, and while he was gone, the manager came by to see if I was being helped.  Just then the meat-cutter showed up to say there were no more.  The manager apologized.  I asked if the meat-cutter could cut me up one of the whole chickens.  He said "No", and exclaimed that he was only certified for beef or pork.  He would get into trouble if he cut a chicken!

I tell you, in this age of specialization, if I were the meat-cutter and the manager, I would be more worried if they lost customers to a market that could cut chicken- and then nobody would have a job.  I guess nobody at that store can "cut-the-mustard" either!


I was also sent to get a new pair of ear-buds (for a gift) on the same trip as the market.  I remembered that there is a Radio Shack next to the market.  What a deal!  I remember wandering about in a Radio Shack playing with all the RC toys and checking out all their gadgets.  I was also a member of their battery club.  Once you joined, you could bring back any Radio Shack batteries for new ones for FREE.  Guess what- nothing is free anymore.  You cannot even just look around in the store.  
I was met at the door by a "sales associate" that would guide me throughout the journey about the store and into "purchase-land".  I wanted ear-buds, so he quickly too me to the mid-priced models at $39.95!  Ear-buds are usually crap that come apart, get lost or get tangled beyond help.  Paying more than $10 for units that will need a replacement in a gnat's lifetime is ludicrous.  I asked for the cheaper ones and was shown units that were $5 less.  Each time I asked, I was moved down a step or two until I reached the "disposable" level of $9.99.  
Consequently, I probably have been wiser than I thought to avoid the Radio Shack store.  It no longer has free batteries, or hundreds of gadgets on the walls.  The RC toys are all in boxes, so they can't be played with.  The store makes me feel uncomfortable and even itchy!  That was prolly the last time I go into Radio Shack- at least half the store is dedicated to smart phones and accessories, anyhow.


When did they stop?  I just saw a very nice looking Ferrari parked in the mall lot.  I walked all around it, admiring what I could without touching.  There are no model numbers or names on the outside- anywhere.  I knew it was a Ferrari because of the horse emblem.  It wasn't until I got home and looked it up on the internet that I found out it is a "California".  You'd think that for as much as it costs, there would be a name or model on it- somewhere.  It must have been removed by the owner, as the one on the screen clearly has an name on it (unless that is an added cost option).

Talking

In celebration of the complexities of the English language, we bring you the following: Lets face it English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find:- that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables why don't humanitarians eat human!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:- whereby a house can burn up as it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out. A bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)

Holiday Anxiety!

We rented "Midnight in Paris" last evening.  It is an unusual movie. It takes a lot of patience to deal with the self-centered buttheads that mistreat the main character.  I wanted to slap them around. The scenery of Paris and the chicanery performed to make it look like the 1920s was very well done.  Unfortunately for me, the movie lays out some sort of a goal for a plot but it REALLY never gets there.  I was left wanting for more that wasn't provided. I would give it a C grade. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 93%, but I believe that it should be closer to 75%.  This probably means that I no longer have patience for Woody Allen movies- certainly not as much as I've had in the past.

Buy, buy, buy.  This season sure generates a lot of anxiety.  It is truly too bad that Christmas has become such materialistic holiday. I guess it is true that people don't grow out of toys, they just get more expensive. 

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Closing down Denny's
Denny's restaurants are open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!