The Amazon Invasion Machine- Worse Than Microsoft!

Illustration by Rumors

I hadn't heard about it but I guess when you are desperate, desperate measures are called for. Amazon offered 5% off on items bought from them if they would price the item at three different brick-and-mortar stores and send them the information, or $15 off if they walk out of a bookstore and buy from them.  If this RUDE and UNDERHANDED practice continues, the brick-and-mortar store will only be "showrooms" until they fold.  Competition will cease to exist and everyone will ONLY be able to buy from Amazon.  I can't say that online pricing and no sales tax has never caught my attention and my purchase, but at least half of the buying has to be from brick-and-mortar stores, or our society as we know it AND our towns will cease to exist.  We will have nothing but fast-food places, gas stations, bars, and convenience stores.  Everything else will be purchased by "smart" phone over the internet.

Here is a poem written by a bookstore owner:

How Amazon Stole Christmas

Adapted from by Mike Olson, co-owner of Reading Frenzy BookShop, Zimmerman, MN

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot …
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Who-ville, did NOT!
The Grinch HATED Christmas! The whole Christmas season
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason

It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been he was not ever read to at all.

But whatever the reason, his childhood or shoes
He stood there on Christmas Eve HATING the Whos,
Staring down from his warehouse with sour Grinchy chops
At the warm lighted windows below in their shops

For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now hanging a mistletoe wreath (which, incidentally, had been purchased at their local garden center).
“And they’re hanging up stockings they didn’t buy from ME!”
“Christmas is coming! They MUST buy from ME!”

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”

For tomorrow he knew all the Who girls and boys
Would wake bright and early and they’d rush for their toys
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! Unless they clicked “Buy now” to purchase their toys

Then the Whos young and old would sit down to a feast
And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d Feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!
They would feast on who-pudding and rare who-roast-cow
Which was something the Grinch hadn’t considered selling until now!

And then they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
would stand close together with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand in hand. And the Who’s would start singing!

They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Who-Christmas-Sing,
the more the Grinch thought, “I must stop this whole thing!

Why for 17 years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop their Christmas from coming! … But How?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” the Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick tax-exempt online retail monopoly with books-as-a-loss-leader and electronics and coats.
And he chuckled and clucked, “What a great Grinchy trick!
With these coats and these books, I look just like Saint Nick!”

“All I need is a storefront …” The Grinch looked around.
But since storefronts weren’t his, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch … ? No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I don’t have a storefront, I’ll use theirs instead!”

So he made an app, Price Check. Then he took some red thread
And he tied two big horns to the top of his head.

Then he marketed Price Check as the way you should buy
“It’s cheaper and easier and convenient!” The lie.
“Why pay overhead costs and state taxes to them?
I have none. Buy from me. It’s the smart way to spend.”

And with Price Check in hand, the Grinch started down.
Towards the homes where the Whos lay a-snooze in their town.
The shop windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweat dreams without care.
When he came to the first little shop on the square.

“This is stop number one,” The old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he peered through the window, his app in his fist.
Then he squeezed through the keyhole, a rather tight pinch.
But if the devil could do it, then so can the Grinch!

“A bookstore,” he chuckled. “This’ll be a quick night
They won’t see it coming. Why would they? I’m right!”
He looked at “our favorites” and even “staff picks”
Why these do sound like good ones! I’ll add those to my “Wish list”!

Then he slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant
And he placed his app, Price Check, beside every present
Mysteries! Fiction! Romances! Manga!
Even puzzles and games like Story Cubes and Jenga.

When the Grinch was all finished undermining the store
The Grinch very nimbly crept back to the door.
By the time he was done, he had quite a long list
Of the things he would add to that warehouse of HIS

The bookstore was quiet again, just like before
But now his app, Price Check, was inside their door.
When he dropped to the sidewalk from the keyhole above
He heard a small sound, like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast and he saw a small Who.
The keeper of the bookstore he had just slithered through.
The Grinch had been caught by this Who bookstore owner
Who’d come back to town. He had sales to go over.

He stared at the Grinch and said, “Amazon, why? Why are you taking my business? Why?”
But you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!

“Why my sweet little man,” The fake Santy Claus lied
“I’m not harming, I’m helping! Driving customers inside!”
“They’ll come to your store to do some good dealing.
If they buy from me, why, that isn’t stealing.”

And his fib fooled the man. Then he patted his head.
He got his sales numbers and went back to bed.
And when that little merchant went to bed with his numbers.
The Grinch gave a wink, said “Goodbye!” and “Good Slumber!”

And the last things he took were the signs from the door.
“This store’s now my showroom,” said the Grinch. “I want more!”
Then he did the same thing to the other Who-storefronts
Turning their shops into fully staffed Amazon-storefronts.

It was quarter past dawn… all the Whos at their houses.
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he filled his warehouses

He stocked with their presents! Their ribbons! Their wrappings!
Their tags! And their tinsel! Their trimmings! And their trappings!
He went home to his mansion outside of Seattle
With the products and prices to start this new battle.

“Pooh-pooh to the whos!” he was Grinchishly humming.
They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
They’re just waking up. I know just what they’ll do.
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.
Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Grinch
“That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And the Grinch put a Hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow …

But this sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it was merry! VERY!

He stared down at Who-ville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
was SHOPPING! Without any Price Check at all!

He hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming. It came.
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling, “How could it be so?”

“It came without Price Check’s new orders galore.”
“It came without any more sales from their store.”
He puzzled three hours till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe shopping,” he thought, “does come from a store.”
Maybe storefronts … perhaps … mean a little bit more!”

And what happened then … ?
Well, in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day.

And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight.
He disabled Price Check and stopped the whole fight.
He gave back the neighborhoods, friendships and commerce.
And he … he HIMSELF! The Grinch Read No Monster Here!, by Colleen Thomas, illustrated by Alyssa Thomas, to a group of pre-schoolers at a real live author signing at Reading Frenzy BookShop in Zimmerman, Minnesota. 

How awful to see your livelihood erode in front of your and you are POWERLESS against the Amazon invasion machine!

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. (tell that to the ex-IMF Managing Director!)

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

"We spend so much money on the military, yet we're slashing
education budgets throughout the country. No wonder we've got
smart bombs and stupid children.
- Jon Stewart

More Freedom Erosion...

I had a disagreement with a fellow who said that cell phones were not radios, as I claimed.  This is the truth- they are extremely sophisticated packetized radios that allow transmissions of digitized data (i.e. 1s and 0s), by sampling the voiced on the phone  at high frequency and generating a binary pattern which is converted back at the other end.  They are not the same as cordless phones, by any stretch of the imagination.

When does the Federal Gubmint overstep their bounds?  Is it unconstitutional or unreasonable to require that everyone have health insurance? What about distractions while you are driving [i.e cell phones, GPS units, radios/CD players, flashing business signs, passengers...?  Where do we draw the line?  What is up to the Feds versus the States versus just-plain-common-sense and you shall suffer the consequences if you dare?  I remember when bicycle and motorcycle helmet use was foisted upon us (unfortunately polluting the gene pool).  I still see bicyclists and motorcyclists without helmet and I still see handheld cell phones in-use while driving.  Making it illegal doesn't make it not happen.  It only means that those that get caught before someone gets hurt will try harder next time to get away with it.  Suppose cars were equipped with cell phone jammers, or signal lights or telephone poles or school crossing signs; would that be enough?  I don't want to be crossing the street when one of these cell phone offenders is driving by.  Perhaps the BEST thing we can do is force the insurance companies to NOT issue policies to those that ARE caught.  This will force them off the road... or at least legally.  I'll bet, though, that they would keep driving!  If we are going to foist this legislation upon the public, perhaps there should be a few more items added to the list...

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song! 

The four stages of life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus 

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk while everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.

I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that

the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000 they'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

A letter from a very unhappy customer
Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well
as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can
either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify
these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat
arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my
testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-
doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled
installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as
a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over
4 weeks) my modem arrived .. a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
35%...

these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have
made 9 telephone calls on my mobile phone to your no-help line
this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bullock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone
who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your
office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several
other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to
attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever,
could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL,
and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How
surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now
given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of
service from you.

I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any
such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely
hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they
were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very
embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twats,

Yours psychotically,

Paul

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Yay for the Resistance

It is nice to know that there are some resisters to Fleecebook.  It is not that they have anxiety over the security issues or their eroding identities.  It is REALLY a problem with TMI [Too Much Information].  They don't REALLY want to know about all the personal "crap" that people put on their Fleecebook pages.  They are having heartburn with the extra stuff that they have access to from subsequent level of "friend"ship.  I applaud!

Speaking of "Friend"ship, KLM Airlines is making available the means to check out your seatmates on their flights using Facebook and/or LinkedIn. I think that this is certain disaster.  It is bad enough to be ON a flight with someone that is pursuing your friendship (or more), but being stuck in the seat next to them means that there will be desperate people wanting to make last minute seat changes after they see who they are sitting next to.  The claim is that there might be some new members to the Mile High Club, but I REALLY believe that that is doubtful!

Too much data could be corrupting the inferences made about you by the information grabbed from your smart phone, your social media use, and even the websites that you visit (complements of your ISP).  As this data becomes to unwieldy, it is "filtered" in ways that may be detrimental to your identity.  Should we be concerned?  For sure. Can we do anything about it other than becoming a hermit and living off the land? Yes, limit your usage of these key areas for data gathering and, if possible, "anonymize" your access. Being incorrect on an inference is one of the worst kinds of censorship.  This could affect your credit, applications for jobs, friendships.... BEWARE!

Farts Away!

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.

Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.

Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few !

Greeting Cards You'll Never See

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me 

You totalled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That case of Bud Dry?

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?" 

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" 

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." 

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you." 

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." 

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." 

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." 

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!" 

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." 

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." 

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!" 

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." 

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." 

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." 

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Ever find out who the father is?" 

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." 

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep." 

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Alabama & Mississippi).

Why teachers drink...

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) 

"The poor film editor for the fishing shows. This guy has to watch all the footage that just wasn't exciting enough to make it into the final product."
- Brian Regan

Holiday Warning...

Please, take care of yourself.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.

Trade Balance = Jobs

You have all read about the groundwater being tinged by fracking chemicals in Wyoming, so these facts about fracking should come as no surprise.  This is a prime indication as to how the Bush Administration and the Oil companies are screwing the American public as well as wrecking our world AND especially our kid's world!

Don't we all think it is bad enough that China has bought up so much of American properties AND they are deceptive with their manufacturing practices (re: Coda), now they are counterfeiting the Underwriter Laboratories tag on exports.  Unknowing purchasers would be buying potential shock and fire risks believing that the stringent testing and evaluation had been done.Luckily, they were caught.  We NEED a trade balance here.  We can send all of our crappy imitation sub-quality products to China in exchange for theirs.  We'll see how they feel!


So now it appears as though AT&T is throwing in the towel on its T-Mobile deal, to try and find another way to skin-the-cat.  Why is it that I could figure out the solution in only a few minutes?  Everyone, including the justice department, are concerned that they will become more monopolistic when there is less competition and raise prices as they can.  AT&T hasn't offered to GUARANTEE lower prices by making those levels part of the agreement with the justice department.  Why not make a deal where prices are held constant for (say) five years or even better, put the ACTUAL prices in the deal.

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice:
"Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point. 

Things to Ponder
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?