Trade Balance = Jobs

You have all read about the groundwater being tinged by fracking chemicals in Wyoming, so these facts about fracking should come as no surprise.  This is a prime indication as to how the Bush Administration and the Oil companies are screwing the American public as well as wrecking our world AND especially our kid's world!

Don't we all think it is bad enough that China has bought up so much of American properties AND they are deceptive with their manufacturing practices (re: Coda), now they are counterfeiting the Underwriter Laboratories tag on exports.  Unknowing purchasers would be buying potential shock and fire risks believing that the stringent testing and evaluation had been done.Luckily, they were caught.  We NEED a trade balance here.  We can send all of our crappy imitation sub-quality products to China in exchange for theirs.  We'll see how they feel!


So now it appears as though AT&T is throwing in the towel on its T-Mobile deal, to try and find another way to skin-the-cat.  Why is it that I could figure out the solution in only a few minutes?  Everyone, including the justice department, are concerned that they will become more monopolistic when there is less competition and raise prices as they can.  AT&T hasn't offered to GUARANTEE lower prices by making those levels part of the agreement with the justice department.  Why not make a deal where prices are held constant for (say) five years or even better, put the ACTUAL prices in the deal.

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice:
"Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point. 

Things to Ponder
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

A Plugged Craw!

It was a really busy weekend.  The Christmas rush is now official, as it doesn't start until after my daughter's birthday on the 11th.  This year is very special as she turned twenty-one.  She is in the midst of finals week, but found time to have breakfast with us on Sunday.  We picked her up and a few of her friends and had a little party at the restaurant.  It was special to all of us.
The decorations to the house are moving in full force (at least on the inside).  The weather did not cooperate for getting the lights up outside, so far.  I am too much of a Californian to put up lights in the rain.

Meanwhile, this article from the LA Times stuck in my craw:  Can you imagine how arrogant the Chinese have become?  I believe that they feel that Americans are chumps and we'll buy anything- even crap- and then we'll dispose of it and buy it again.  Hopefully the unwary American public will take note of this issue and strive to buy American made goods.  Remember, even though I own two Hondas; they are manufactured in the US by American workers.
Considering the problems that the Volt has had, perhaps we should have given them the technology and moved on.  I hope the Coda (in America)falls flat on their keister!

Actual Band Names

Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following
names are taken:

[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken

[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara's Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady's Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d'Amour

[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan

[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler's Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie's Mouse

[ i ]
· Inhale Mary

[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah's Waitresses
· Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan's Knees

[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God

[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl's Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration

[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan's Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock

[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We're Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies

[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow's Head

[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
· Yoko Homo

[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress

Convenience?

 

QR codes don't appear to be catching on as fast as they thought they would, which is good.  If people REALLY knew what happens when you use them, they wouldn't.  I guess nobody ever explained what they are for, how to use them, and why anybody would.  Hurry for marketing-  this you really blew it on.  If it weren't for the nasty side effects, this is a good idea.  A particular favorite of mine is the application where a QR code is on a realty sign in front of a house for sale.  The code is scanned putting all the pertinent specifications about the property on your smart phone, as well as pictures or video of the inside.  This saves all the parties involved the time necessary for a tour- especially if one is NOT needed after seeing the info on the smart phone.  Unfortunately, the use of it grabs your smart phone number (an who knows what else), so the agent can call you back at his convenience- like at dinnertime!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the beltway outside Washington DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

The Gingrich that Stole Congress
(With Apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrich, who simply did NOT!

He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!

The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,
He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.

He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!

He hated the way they had no jobs at all!
This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL!
They also lacked training and day care. So what?
The Gingrich announced he'd come up with a plot:
"Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"

Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
It could be because he was built like a weenie.
It could be because he had Donahue hair,
Or maybe because not much lurked under there.

But probably what most explained the man's life
Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.
Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
Sickened with cancer, in hospital bed.
He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"

He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
And got down to work on his alimony deal.
And while she was whimpering he said, "By the way,
I'm leaving for somebody younger - hooray!!"

The Gingrich's heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.

Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
Tax-slashers!| That's what those "Normal" folks lov!
He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!

He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A Doberman Pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
"Boy!" said the Gingrich, "We're gonna whip tush!"

They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.
They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"

Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!

The next day the Gingrich sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.

He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etc.,

He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.
The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!
We want all those costly old programs we had!

Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"

And the Gingrich sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.
They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all - they just didn't want to pay!

And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.

The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
"Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.
The Gingrich and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.

"Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"

The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...
And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.

Privacy? - Who Cares...

Finally an app for a smart phone that really has a purpose, rather than only simulating drinking a beer, for example.  Take matters into your own hands and PROTECT YOUR PRIVACY.  The app BitDefender will scan your phone and tell you what is there that you should be worried about.

Maybe you don't care and figure that nothing REALLY important can be gathered from my phone.  You had better rethink your position on that EVERY time you put a new app on your phone, turn it off and back on (updates) and especially if you frequent Starbucks.  Apparently, over 26 million transactions have been done there over smart phones.  Now, theoretically if there was some problem, we would have heard about it by now.  Except for the fact that the phones, their contents, and their use is constantly a moving target.  It is easy enough to move from "safe" to "unsafe" with very little change.  Do I want to see a charge card app on my phone, probably not.  I would certainly like the convenience, but the risk is still too high.  Furthermore, there is NEVER any proof offered that we are not tracked, and that data is not usurped from our smart phones.  Only their word is offered to quell the fires of distrust and dismay.

How to Identify Where a Driver is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

A medical professional recently told me about a strange and little known malady. Somehow, it seemed appropriate to forward the information here. I did not make this up. Honest.

witzelsucht (vit'sel-zoocht) [Ger.]

"A mental condition characteristic of frontal lobe lesions and marked by the making of poor jokes and puns and the telling of pointless stories, at which the patient himself is intensely amused."

From Dorland's Illustrated Medical Dictionary, 26th edition.

Technology Smarts...

Don't get me wrong: I love technology.  It has to be IN ITS PLACE though.  I do not agree that kids should not be taught cursive alphabets or handwriting because it is claimed that it is outmoded.  This is an important skill to coordinate one's eyes with their hands- at an early age. I do not believe that we should not learn how to parallel park our cars because they have the technology to do it themselves.  This would be tantamount to an airline pilot not learned how to land his plane because the autopilot will do the landing automatically. I do believe that we should not abandon the skill of personal interaction over using a social interaction utility program on your computer (i.e. Fleecebook).  All of the skills that we learn make us better people, with better understanding and tolerance.  Putting all of our eggs into one basket it not wise.  We should learn how to do the task without technology's tools before we depend ONLY on them being available and correctly functioning.  Don't cut yourself short.

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head.

"The first person that can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight," she announces to the room.

An old man looks up from the pool table and says, "Umm, an elephant."

Bessie thinks about it for a second and says, "Close enough!"

Ultra-Dumb...
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. 

Thanks Nancy...

We might find ourselves obliged to Nancy Pelosi (may be a first time) if she manages to derail Nasty Newt from is campaign for candidacy.  Obviously, she has the knowledge to bring him down.  Will she use it OR does she want something ?

The most important question that you want to ask yourself is, "Do I want a BLATANT crook for President, or would I be satisfied with a person that APPEARS honest?"

THE LAWS
1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Ode to cranky men
I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!