Back to work....

We are back from our very short, but well deserved getaway to Northern California.  We saw temperature extremes from mid 40s in San Francisco with heavy, milky fog and freezing winds to 102 degrees in Napa to mid 80s in the redwood forest.  We traveled to  Point Reyes to see the lighthouse, but that same milky fog deterred us. 

We learned that the Sattui (our favorite St. Helena winery) family built a replica of a twelfth century Tuscan castle and raised all their wine prices to fund it (unfortunately).  


We also discovered that another favorite winery in Calistoga,  Sterling, raised their tasting price to $25, which is more than I would spend for their individual bottles of wine.  

We visited a glass beach in Fort Bragg.  This beach is covered with broken glass that has been polished by the wave action.  Terre and Tori collect it in hopes that someday they will make jewelry from it.

We found a banana slug (about eight inches) in the Founder's Grove of the redwood forest.  It was a bit gross! 

On the hunt for a good  dinner, we were served raw pork (yuk) masquerading as BBQ ribs in Healdsburg. The restaurant review that we posted should keep unaware tourists from making the same mistake we did.       

We did, however have a WONDERFUL breakfast the next day at the Center Street Cafe, also in Healdsburg.

    

Bottom line was that it was great to get away, but we had some not-so-great experiences on the trip.  So now I am back to work, with very little funded until the next fiscal year begins...

OXYMORONIC ONE-LINERS
· Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

· Death to all fanatics!

· An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

· If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

· I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

· The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

· Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?

· I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

· I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

· Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?

· Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

· Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
- George Burns

This is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on and refining for most of my life.  I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it down to its essence - sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit
you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:


1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

xx

Vacation News...

Off to visit points north...  returning from vacation in about a week....

They should get what we get...

I thought this was apropos for the times.  Should Congress cut their pay and benefits during this period of poor economic performance ?  I'll go another step past that one, and say that: 1) Whatever healthcare bill that they pass, they should be part of it. 2) If they don't show up for a vote, their pay is docked. 3) Their retirements benefits should be based on the time they spent in office.  We are entirely too generous, currently.

"God give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a huge friggin' bag of money." - David Levine

Then &Now
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGaulle did not respond.
--
At a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, one of the French engineers came into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;how many does France have?"
--
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

 


Redneck Rules of Etiquette

General
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


Dining Out
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


Entertaining in your home

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything pre-pared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.


Personal Hygiene
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


Dating (outside the family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Cable Woes...

My cable bill went up again.  It seems to happen at each billing cycle.  Am I getting any more for my money?  Probably not.  What are my alternatives? 1) Give up TV: not going to happen anytime soon. 2) Watch rented movies (on DVDs) only: this service will probably dissolve in the next year or so. 3) Switch to satellite dish- the illusion of lower prices and/or more content for the same or less cost dissolves after the initial teaser rate runs out. 4) Convert to a streaming box- most content is available, some for free and some for low subscription costs.  Unfortunately, all content is not available and there is no central location.  For the most part, currently, for each program that one wants to watch, they may have to think about where it is and perform some different configuration or mechanism to get to the program.  5) Some subscribers (reported by edhat.com) have had success in asking the cable company for a lower price, without losing features.  It is hard to believe, but may be worth the effort, at least currently.
So, at least currently,  I continue to pay for cable while the other options evolve.... (sigh).

SIGNS THAT RONALD MCDONALD HAS GROWN UP

-No longer signs paychecks in crayon.

- That new "Mr. Happy Meal."

- Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.

- Two words: sagging buns.

- Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.

- Now offering "Happy Hour" Meals.

- No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.

- Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.

- Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.

- That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.

- Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.

- Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.

- Has a McBeergut. 

Another Day...

A much needed day of R&R was had yesterday.  With only a few errands to do, and the overcast (and wet) weather until late in the afternoon, not very much was accomplished.  We watched numerous episodes of Battlestar Gallactica (which is always enjoyable) and the movie Thor, which was pretty-much a disappointment.  The effects were pretty good, but the story jumped around a bit, and the interesting parts appear to have been left out.
We read about and watched some of the 911 tributes and struggled to believe that it is a better world after ten years of strife over terrorism.  It is hard to accept that the Muslim world is so mad or jealous of us that they would wish to cause mayhem or even eradication of one of their biggest oil customers.  What did we do that was so offensive?  What would we have done differently, had we known ?

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

12 Redneck Quotes
1. Redneck Quote: It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

2. Redneck Quote: My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

3. Redneck Quote: Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.

4. Redneck Quote: Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

5. Redneck Quote: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

6. Redneck Quote: He's as country as cornflakes.

7. Redneck Quote: If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

8. Redneck Quote: Well butter my butt and call me biscuit.

9. Redneck Quote: It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

10. Redneck Quote: She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

11. Redneck Quote: This is gooder'n grits.

12. Redneck Quote: Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.