Bulb Frustration...

I've been kept very busy this holiday weekend. Many chores to attend to.  Many were high-priority items on the Honey-Do list and some just needed to get done anyway.  We did find time to watch "Hanna", unfortunately.  It is a dumb movie the unfold poorly.  The audience is left hanging many times waiting for another fold.  It is no wonder that I never saw it come to the theaters.  

So recently I perused the lighting isle at the local Home Depot.  I wasn't sure what to expect, whether you could still buy incandescent bulbs or not. I saw the usual compact florescent ones, ugly spirals and for a bit more, those that are covered with a layer of glass and ALMOST look like incandescent ones. Then I came across the LED variety for $49.99 apiece.  I know that these last almost forever, but for that much money I certainly can wait a year or so for them to come down in price.  Today I saw these (see picture) advertised at $15 each.  That is much better.  It is too bad they are SO UGLY.  Note that this is a push-and-twist variety.  They probably charge more for the one with threads THAT WE CAN ACTUALLY USE! LEDs are really cheap when used in electronics.  I just CAN'T IMAGINE what is so expensive on this frickin' bulbs that would drive the price so high.  Is is because we make them- instead of China?

Political Science For Dummies:

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.  Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in  Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the  US    government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.  Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.  Jeb agrees.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real   California cheese Only five speak English. Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart..just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a very good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded, a real credit to the company and he always demonstrated their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but... your being late so often is quite bothersome. It's odd though - your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee for you, sir?" 

Arizona's new immigration law

I knew sooner than later that something like this was going to happen.

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands, showing their outrage with Arizona's controversial new SB-1070 law by moving elsewhere.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ located south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving. As he loaded his stolen car with his belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal."

The effects of the exodus are being felt by Arizona retailers who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state’s hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits. Tattoo parlors are in a state of panic.

Renaldo told a reporter through an interpreter "He and his family are moving to California , which is a state that will support him and his family with dignity."

Kind of brings a tear to your eye....huh! 

This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the middle east, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

It's gonna get ugly, people.


 

Dolt!

Doh! What a bunch of dolts!  AT&T claims to be surprised that the DOJ actually did its job and blocked the gobbling up of T-Mobile.  Gimme a break.  If AT&T had even a clue, they would have bought more spectrum space to cover the needs of data users.  They could have leased it back to competitors and still made money on the deal.  There is no foresight in a behemoth company.  They only trudgingly move with the market and cannot change direction fast enough to drive it.

 YUK! Can you believe that stem-cell sausage is just months away- WHAT?  Laboratory grown meats from stem cells may be the answer to having slaughter-free meats.  Does this mean that the biggest complaint from Vegans will disappear?  Keep tuned it for the latest recipes (just kidding)....

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?".

With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..."

Amazing Word Facts--a linguist's take:
For those who are interested in the oddities of linguistics, please see below. Who would have guessed ...

Did you know that, the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

And that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the first letter and move it to the last, spells its own past tense, "ate"?

 And if you rearrange the letters in "Tea Party Republicans," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Shut the f--- up you free-loading, progress-blocking, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, violent hypocrites, and deal with the fact that you nearly wrecked the country under Bush and you're trying to wreck it again and that, yes,
our president is black, so get over it."

Isn't that interesting?

A seventy-five year old couple want to have kids so the man goes to the doctor to have his sperm checked. The Dr. says take this jar home and come back with a sample.

The guy comes back the next day with an empty jar. The Dr. asks why it is empty.

The guy says, well first I tried and nothing came of it. Then my wife tried with her hand and nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, still nothing. Then we called our neighbor and she tried with her hand and then her mouth, still nothing.

The Dr. is shocked, you mean your wife didn't mind your neighbor getting involved. Guy says nope, and no matter how hard we tried, we just couldn't get that jar open.  

 

Unhackable? That is just a challenge....

So Zuck is so confident that Fleecebook is unhackable, he has put a $40K bounty on a chink in his armor.  The money is worth fixing the problem, but no site is unhackable!

Unbelievably, the Department of Justice actually got it right for a change by blocking AT&Ts purchase of T-Mobile.  Obviously, AT&T did not spend enough money on lobbyists or grease the right palms....

Banding together to protect Japan's LCD display business, SONY, Toshiba and Hitachi are merging.  This, I believe will be better for consumers, as there are way too many options involved in the decision to buy, now.  This should simplify, I hope....

Has anyone ever texted to a landline phone by mistake because you couldn't tell the difference because the number looks just the same?  In other countries, cell phones have their own set of area codes, so you can tell what you are dialing ...  Sounds too logical to have occurred in the US....

Never lose your grandson at a shopping mall...
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

Weekend Weak Movie and Hot Work

Over the weekend, we went to see Columbiana.  It was billed as another La Femme Nikita, but I believe it fell short.  I think that Zoe Saldana's performance was in the "B to B+" category, but the storyline was a bit choppy.  The movie was not cut as well as it could have been.  There were a couple of major jumps in time that the audience was forced to make up on our own without guidance.  Adding an transitional ten minutes to the movie would have definitely helped.

We spent most of the weekend getting my daughter packed and moved back to Occidental.  It could have been less dramatic and a bit more smoothly planned, since it is her third time returning to the school.  Also it was 106 degrees in Eagle Rock.  Thank goodness that this year she drew a number allowing her to be in a dorm with AC.

 
"I was very sheltered growing up. I knew nothing about sex. My mother said this: 'Sex is a dirty, disgusting thing you save for somebody you love'". - Carol Henry

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the elderly widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son,

"Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.

"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

The Truth Is Showing...

Interesting that me "do everything for our county" and "totally lacking any international competence Ron Paul wants to cut FEMA altogether!  It appears that there is some natural disaster at least once a month that requires some federal assistance.  What would he have them do ??  While most of the time he sound like the sanest of the formerly (G)OP, lately the truth is showing....

 

Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Wayne at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

---- Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

It was inevitable...

I knew it would happen, and it did very rapidly.  Perry has become the frontrunner in the formerly (G)OP candidate list, surpassing Romney.  While there is much ado concerning the everyday quotes from the candidates, apparently health care is going to be the BIG issue between Perry and Romney.  It always seems to be about our wallets!  It is still up in the air, however, whom I will be voting FOR or AGAINST in the primaries- OR whether it will MATTER or NOT.

A blonde watching the news hears that two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

She sobs and cries, "Oh my goodness, that is so sad! How many is a brazilian?" 

There was this little elderly man one day who got out of his rocking chair and told his little old wife he would be back in a little while.

She looked up at him from her rocker and asked, "where you going?"

He replied "I'm gonna go get me some of them there Viagra's at the doctors' office"

She didn't say anything just got up and started putting on her sweater.

"Where you going?" the old man asked

She just smiled and said, "If you're gonna start using that old rusty thing again, I'm gonna go get me a tetanus shot!"

Party Time ?

I went to a memorial service yesterday.  I was surprised that people came to the memorial in shorts and jeans. I was brought up that it is a sign of respect to be relatively dressed-up.  They also served food, drink and alcohol.  I was shocked.  Has society has changed so that every gathering, no matter how somber or sad, becomes a party ? In spite of the strangeness, the family's outpouring of emotions was definitely pulling on my heart-strings.

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse and said to the woman,
"You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said,
"I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat-up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his bike and asked if he could help.

The woman said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

The biker said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

The woman hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, 'Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!' 




Kulula is an Airline with head offices situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"




After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"  

THE NEW ABRIDGED MEDICAL DICTIONARY (Source: Edmonton Journal)
BARIUM: What doctors do when patients die.
COLIC: A sheep dog.
D&C: Where Bill Clinton lives.
DILATE: To live longer.
FESTER: Quicker.
HANGNAIL: Coat hook.
IMPOTENT: Distinguished, well known.
LABOR PAIN: Get hurt at work.
MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane.
MORBID: A higher offer.
NITRATES: Cheaper than day rates.
NODE: Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: A patient who fainted.
PAP SMEAR: A fatherhood test.
PELVIS: Cousin to Elvis.
RECOVERY ROOM: A place to do upholstery.
RECTUM: Dang near killed 'em.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at your computer.
TUMOR: More than one.
URINE: Opposite of "You're out".  

Zuck A Follower?

No longer the leader, Fleecebook becomes the follower and copies the Google+ approach to security settings.  I guess Zuck is beginning to believe that "God's gift to Facebook programming" is not as bright as he should be.  Mebbie he should have finished college, after all money isn't everything.  Brains do count, and so does character.

Prostate Exam

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test at the Dallas VA Hospital, I decided to have my next test carried out while visiting the San Francisco VA Hospital where the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating.

As I laid naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection," I said. "No, but I have." replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco!' 

BREAKING NEWS!! Obama has just confirmed that the Va. earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Secret Service and Maxine Waters continue an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves." 

"Women are more verbal than men. That's why when you see an elderly couple together, it's always the man who has the hearing aid." - Jeff Stilson

Extremists Are Getting Attention- But Nothing Else

Why is it that we ONLY have extremists in the formerly (G)OP list of candidates?  Nobody appears to be addressing the issues with a moderate quality. Everything they say or do appears to be to attract attention- not votes. Every one of the candidates also has baggage.  It appears as though that means much more now than it used to. You used to be able to know where someone stood without second guessing whether they were saying something to get attention or to say what you wanted to hear.  I am totally fed up with politicians, at all levels.  An honest person couldn't afford to run, so doesn't.  A power hungry extremist accepts campaign monies with future favors attached.  If that is the only way to win, I wouldn't run.  Hence we come up with the biggest issue. That is that we can't get rid of pork on bills because that is the means that candidates pay back their benefactors for campaign assistance.  It is a nasty, nasty circle which is not easily broken- even though it has broken the system.  We must limit campaign contributions and limit lobbying.

Security Alerts in Europe -- by John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Worse than a poke in the eye...

I had no idea that Perry would sound like a bigger fool than Bush.  Mebbie he picked up something when he was Bush's lieutenant governor.  So what has Perry's outspokenness gotten him?  He has become popular to part of the voters, while he lost some of the others, probably a wash- a whitewash!  I just CAN'T imagine what will happen if Karl Rove's prediction comes true, the Sarah Palin will enter the race, and many will abandon thier candidate and support her.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo, ... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year ... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.
Helloooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids.. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always Crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous.. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can Give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

If you didn't chuckle at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humour.  

Don't Be Afraid- They're Watching...

This is scary:  Go into your local mall, look at a TV screen in a kiosk or in a window.  The camera sees you, does a facial recognition scan (in some unknown database) and addresses you by name (if you are in the database) or by age and sex to produce a PERSONAL and DIRECTED advertisement.  If you are recognized, then there is a record made that you were there.  Where is the information coming from that is looked up in the database?  Where is the information GOING that you were there? What happened to privacy?  If you were in the witness protection program, you had better get plastic surgery before you appear in public.  And what about the Paparazzi? [Celebrity XYZ spotted at Springfield Mall...Paparazzi are there in a flash.]  I'm sure they will find a way to charge the reporters for that information, as well.

How to give your cat a pill.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

6. Call friend from next door. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get friend to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

Is he the Best the Formerly(G)OP Can Come Up With?

I used to think that Perry would lead the pack if he threw his hat into the ring.  Now every time I read what he says, I feel that Romney is a better choice.  Apparently, I'm not alone.  Only those two, IMHO, are electable- but that could change....

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.

"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying

"Errr .. 22!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying

"Mandy!".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,

"Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!", replies the blonde,
"That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

You know you're getting older when you see a business and remember what it used to be called .


Older yet when you remember the last 5 names it was called .


You're old when you remember when there was nothing there, as a matter of fact, the whole block was a pasture.

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bed-room about 2 A.M., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?" 

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.