Vulnerability Exposed

How do we really use smart phones?  Is it because we need to make a call, fake making a call, look up some fact, or just waste time playing Angy Birds?  While we don't ALL need smart phones and most of the users of smart phones don't use the apps available; it won't be long before your choices will be narrowed down to a smart phone or a disposable from Walmart.  The carriers want us all locked into two-year contracts and they want us to have data contracts.  Having a cell phone JUST to make phone calls won't be possible soon, just like it is almost impossible to find a cell phone without a camera.

I was reminded, again, of my vulnerability and volatility when I had to call an ambulance today for my office mate.  She was having difficulty breathing and had chest pains.  They took her away to the hospital.  I hope that she is okay and that she was attended to soon enough.

"Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage."  - Tom Arnold

Larry the Cable Guy's Solutions:
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately:
Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you." 

A man is driving by a mental hospital when he gets a flat tire. He pulls over to the side of the road and begins to change it. While he's doing this one of the patients wanders over to watch. The man puts all 5 lugnuts into the hubcap as he's been taught so he doesn't lose them. When he gets the spare tire on, he goes to get the lugnuts, accidentally steps on the hubcap and all the nuts go flying and he can only find 1 of them. He doesn't know what to do. The patient says "take 1 lugnut from each of the other tires and put them on this one - that way you have 4 out of 5 on every tire and can make it to an auto parts store to buy some new ones. The man says "that's a great idea!!! How'd you think of it"??? 

The patient says "I'm in here cuz I'm crazy - not stupid"

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!  

Down With Lobbyists

So I finally capitulated this weekend and agreed that I cannot continue to wear many of my clothes as I become a shadow of my former self.  I've almost lost twenty pounds, but more importantly, I've lost four inches off my waist and/or pants size.  I'm not going to ruin my leather belts with homemade holes that are beyond where they are supposed to be. My pants hang on my hips, so they don't fall.  I did have a hard time looking at new jeans, and these are "regular fit" instead of "loose fit".  My problem was that the loose fit ones that I have now, are way too baggy.  Changing our diets have not been easy, but I just don't buy the stuff we shouldn't eat.  It is much easier to avoid those items that way.  

Warren Buffet says to tax the rich, but let's be fair about this.  Why not tax people all at the same rate?  A flat tax would solve many issues.  This could be paid (mostly) by your employers and the gubmint would get its money every payday instead of having to wait for tax season.  Everybody would file a short form anyway: did you make more money than your employer paid tax on? Are you self employed?...  Send n% to the gubmint.  AND BECAUSE everyone (and hopefully, according to Mitt Romney, every corporation- which are just people anyway) will pay their own flat percentage- therefore lowering the amount of tax most of the middle and lower class, and raising the amount paid by the affluent.  This is FAIR.  The reason we won't do it is that those affluent and corporations would rather spend the same or more $$$ on lobbyists to keep this from happening.  The EVIL is in the whole idea of allowing LOBBYISTS  These same affluent and corporations BUY their candidates because they wield tremendous power and connections that can and will get politicians elected and reelected.  Why don't we OUTLAW LOBBYISTS ?  That would be a REALLY big step in the direction of cleaning up politics.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of Shit..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

 

Figurin' Out Economics...

Where is the economics in this?  Companies get a special postage deal to send mass-mailed junk mail to people like me.  Because of the discount, the postal service loses money and eventually has to ask for higher first class rates to cover the losses and/or must lay off some postal workers.  I take the junk mail and without even opening it up, place it in my shredder and pay the extra electricity to grind up the mail.  Then I pay for trash collectors to pick up the shreds.  It seems that junk mail is the culprit.  Let's make ONLY directly addressed mail that is sent first class legal.  All the other bulk-rate mail should be illegal.  We waste enough trees to make the mail, and gasoline to deliver it- they should pay the same rate as you or I, or not at all.

The first fly drops... Pawlenty drops out. More to follow...

'Tis a shame that those of us that could afford to take a vacation did not vacate TOTALLY.  Having a "plugged-in Summer" is not my idea of getting away from it all.  We have forgotten what nature has to offer us.  Not to mention what our bodies and mind crave- a break.  The Europeans know about vacations.  Most of them take the month of August off- all at once.  What this does, is to force even those that remain, into a slower pace.  Don't ever visit Europe in August because usually the tourist areas are closed.  We would NEVER think of doing anything so civil in the USA.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

CPA - Cell Phone Anonymous ?

Another story on cell phone addiction and (guess) what it is providing for your carrier.... The claim is that it is bad as caffeine or chocolate to give up.  Used to be that technology was dependent on us.  Now the tables are turned and we are becoming dependent (physiologically) on technology.

What do they know- or don't?  Only 6.2 percent of smart phone users actually scan QR codes. Are they expecting too much from the average user, or are they yielding to the dangers of opening your smart phone to every location that a QR code takes me?

So Rick Perry jumped into the fray (finally).  Watch the other candidates drop like flies after the Iowa straw poll.

Thank you congress: You showed me how to get out of my financial problems. Raise the limit on my credit cards and start spending.

You might be White Trash if...

-Your house moves but your twelve cars don't.

-You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

-You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

-Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

-You burn your yard rather than mow it.

-You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

-The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

-You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

-You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

-You come back from the dump with more than you took.

-You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

-Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

-Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

-You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

-You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

-You go to the stock car races and don't need a program 

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U..S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

BAIL'EM OUT!!! ????
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?!"

"What the Hell are we thinking?"

5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk 

Ineptitude As A Goal

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is REALLY wrong in Washington.  The people that represent us in Congress are not our peers.  They don't understand the issues that we have.  They strive to compete with their fellow Congressmen and Senators, but not usually for our betterment.  They are hounded by high-priced lobbyists, providing paid directions for bills, votes and re-elections.  
So to fix Washington, all of the lobbyists will be eliminated.  No corporate donations will be accepted to election campaigns or any other campaigns.  All corporations will become non-corporal taxable entities like average citizens and will pay taxes based on the same rules. All members of Congress will be limited to two terms.  Campaigns will be run using their own monies- only.  Debates, speeches, et cetera will only be on the internet to save funds and negate the cost of security. No pork will be allowed on any bills.  Every bill will state its general intent in less than one hundred words in layman's language- up front.

My motto for cleaning up this mess would be, "Simplify, do your job and only your job, and then get out!".  Help clean up in Washington, don't re-elect ANYONE!

We are soon to be in data overload.  Can you imagine when your smart phone will have the capability to recognize the face of someone you photograph and pull up all his or her personal information at a whim.  Anonymity will be totally lost.  The world will change forever.  Do you have embarrassing pictures on-line ?  A whole new cottage industry has emerged to "clean-up" your net image, so to speak. The distance between who you are and who you might be is closing.

Finally, in a sea of Bat Chain Pullers, Rick Perry decides to join the group of Obama challengers. IMHO he is the ONLY opponent that may have a chance to beat Obama.  On the other hand, though; it is rumored that Sarah Palin may be his first choice as a running mate.  This may be an albatross around his neck.  There are many people that are not happy with Obama's performance, but I don't think that there are that many that would elect someone only a bullet away from ineptitude-on-a-grand-scale.

A guest in a posh hotel called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu.

"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one overcooked egg so that it's tough and hard. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."

"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here? "

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.'

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt an brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats workin for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.
I was restless at first cause you get to stay in bed till near 6 a.m. But I am gettin so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt an Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, an shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men get to shave but it's not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmins like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kinda weak on chops, potatas, ham, steak, fried tomaters, pie and other reglar food, but tell Walt an Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as we go to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet an we all get to ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around an frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt an Elmer with laughin. I keep gettin medals for shootin. I don't know why. The bulls - eye is near as big as a chipmunk head an it don't move, an it ain't shootin at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comforble an hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand - to - hand combat trainin. You get to wrassle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fightin with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this kinda trainin cept for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds soakin wet an he's 6'8' an near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt an Elmer to hurry and join up before any other fellers get onto this setup an come stampeedin in. 

Your loving daughter, Alice 

California-to-Tennessee dictionary:

CALIFORNIA	TENNESSEE
Arsenal of Weapons	Gun Collection
Delicate Wetlands	Swamp
Undocumented Worker	Illegal Alien
Cruelty-Free Materials	Synthetic Fiber
Assault and Battery	Attitude Adjustment
Heavily Armed	Well-protected
Narrow-minded	Righteous
Taxes or Your Fair Share	Coerced Theft
Commonsense Gun Control	Gun Confiscation Plot
Illegal Hazardous Explosives	Fireworks for Stump Removal
Equal Access to Opportunity	Socialism
Multicultural Community	High Crime Area
Fairness or Social Progress	Marxism
Upper Class or "The Rich"	Self-Employed
Progressive, Change	Big Government Scheme
Homeless or Disadvantaged	Bums or Welfare Leeches
Sniper Rifle	Scoped Deer Rifle
Investment For the Future	Higher Taxes
Healthcare Reform	Socialized Medicine
Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater	Conservative
Truants	Homeschoolers
Victim or Oppressed	Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing
High Capacity Magazine	Standard Capacity Magazine
Religious Zealot	Church-going
Reintroduced Wolves	Sheep and Elk Killers
Fair Trade Coffee	Overpriced Yuppie Coffee
Exploiters or "The Rich"	Employed or Land Owner
The Gun Lobby	NRA Members
Assault Weapon	Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)
Fiscal Stimulus	New Taxes and Higher Taxes
Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting	Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

Goodbye Cable

The first thing to go when your disposable income shrinks is cable TV.  Record number of subscribers are dropping the service.  The cable and dish companies will have no choice but to change or charge less.  This should be very interesting, since they have been claiming that they are operating on an extremely small (?) margin already.  It was so important, over a year ago, to convert everyone's TV to digital to free up some bandwidth for other purposes.  The cable companies were very supportive because they claimed that they would immediately provide us subscribers with a smorgasbord of channel choices instead of a tiered system.  I have yet to see it happen.  SO people are paying too much to get channels that they don't watch anyway.  The cable companies are losing out in the long run, because they are losing their customer base!  I don't believe that they've worked out their NEW business (?) plan....

KIDS ON MARRIAGE (Answers by kids age 8-10)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 9

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9

Little boy...

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, Cause I still have mine.' 

TIMEX

My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday..
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!

It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I just wanna watch !"

I wonder if proctologists ever reflect on what they chose to do with their lives?  

 

The room was full of pregnant women and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:  I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm.

I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.

They need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.

But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of  Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail..... 

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses. 

The Epic Struggle
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....

And Satan created HMOs.. 

The Recession Has Hit Everybody!
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen...

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

"I told you so." says Palin....

This is downright disgusting:  NOW Palin says "I told you so" about the economic downturn.  Why is she always there ready with a comment about how she knew the answer but didn't want to share it with Obama, even for the good of the people?  I think she and her shenanigans are appalling! 

Earn fame and fortune (or at least pocket money) with your iPhone and the new Gigwalk app.  While this is a good idea, it is a bit like a snake eating his own tail.  The more Gigwalks you do, the more you owe on your iPhone's data bill.  The more you owe on your data bill, the more Gigwalks you have to do.  I think a much better way to make a profit with your iPhone is to CREATE an app, rather than USE one.

So just when you thought all was well with your iPhone and Android phone, this study comes out to tell you how badly your personal data is being ripped off.... with all the phone hacking going on and the latest report on viruses on smart phones, this should hurt!

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming - WOO HOO what a ride!"  -- Unknown

"I do clean up a little. If company is coming, I'll wipe the
lipstick off the milk container. Comb the soap." - Elayne Boosler

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:


"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

A cannibal was walking through the jungle And came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Archeologists dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, where New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Lubbock , TX , Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."