Commercials vs. News Videos...

Isn't news on the web great?  It seems that almost all the stories I want to read about are actually videos instead.  Can't people READ anymore ?   Is this all because they play stupid commercials before you can actually see the video that you clicked on ?  Captive audiences!  Have any of you noticed that even if you have your browser set for blocking popup windows, if you click on some sites, they get around the browser blocker because it is a reaction to your click that they CAN popup a ad window!  When I see that I am forced to watch a commercial before the story I am interested in, I click it off.  When I get an unsolicited popup ad, I click the red-x and abandon the ad.  This has got to stop, or someday we will see babies born with diaper ads on their hiney!

People are getting fired because of what they say on Fleecebook!  Obviously, these people are COMPLETE idiots,  Nobody, repeat nobody should say anything on Fleecebook that they wouldn't want to see in the headlines of a national newspaper.  Employers are within their rights to expect that grievances (legal) will be kept private.  Anything you say CAN and Will be held against you....

Don't park illegally in Lithuania- in fact you probably shouldn't go to Lithuania.  Illegally parked cars are summarily run over by a tank to teach the owners respect!!  I can't think of one reason to go, but many not to!

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "Look at all this manure, there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

A woman was sitting in her living room chatting with her neighbor. She looked out of her window and saw her husband coming home with flowers in his hand.

"Oh no", said the woman. "Here comes my husband with flowers. Now I'll have to spend all night on my back with my feet up in the air".

"What's the matter?" asks the neighbor. "Don't you have a vase in the house?"

Woman asks: If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

Confucius answer her: 'It's very simple. When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key'.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?
John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."  

Old Dogs Need Rest
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.. Can I come with him tomorrow?'  

My mother taught me....
...TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ~ "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
...RELIGION ~ "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
...about TIME TRAVEL ~ "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
...LOGIC ~ "Because I said so, that's why."
...MORE LOGIC ~ "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
...FORESIGHT ~ "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
...IRONY ~ "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
...about the science of OSMOSIS ~ "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
...about CONTORTIONISM ~ "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
...about STAMINA ~ "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
...about WEATHER ~ "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
...about HYPOCRISY ~ "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
...the CIRCLE OF LIFE ~ "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
...about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION ~ "Stop acting like your father!"
...about ENVY ~ "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
...about ANTICIPATION ~ "Just wait until we get home."
...about RECEIVING ~ "You are going to get it when you get home!"
...MEDICAL SCIENCE ~ "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
...ESP ~ "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
...HUMOUR ~ "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
...HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT ~ "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
...GENETICS ~ "You're just like your father."
...about my ROOTS ~ "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
...WISDOM ~ "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
my favorite:

...about JUSTICE ~ "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."  

No One Thought

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

A Senior Adventure “$5.37.

That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

“Only $4.68,” he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

He offered these kind words, “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.  

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way before, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
**JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call..

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects..

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next..

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.. 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.*

** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!  

Hurray for BofA- NOT

This is really bad.  There are many people living on the street that would welcome a house to live in, but BofA is destroying their least salable foreclosures.  Completely writing their value off anyway, what would be the big issues with donating the houses to local homeless?  There is NO DOUBT that banks are HEARTLESS!  I am so glad that MY tax dollars went to save their asses so that they could do this...

The political flow chart

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads; When bottom level guys look up, they see
only assholes.

I have never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly

The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching
the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "The good old days,"
when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,

"Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used
to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther,

"Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes
lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering
kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how,
after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Hokeyness Aside...

We went to see Cowboys and Aliens last night. There were too many reasons to go to see the movie in spite of the lackluster reviews.
Billed as James Bond meets Indiana Jones, we were intrigued as to how well both Ford and Craig fit so well into a Western.  I hope they both get another chance to be in one, even if not together.  The movie is a bit hokey, as one would expect from mixing the two genres, but honesty, I think it played out much better than the critics allowed.  They were really to hard on Olivia Wilde, as well. Nobody seemed surprised when a woman wanted to go after the aliens, though.

You really have to go with the flow of the almost unbelievable script to enjoy it.  We enjoyed it and we both love both of the genres individually.  Without that, it won't work at all.

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman
came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg
over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a
sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down
there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched
back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and
asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and
asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The
bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Jesus a glass of
Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered
into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey,
is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the
redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and
danced a jig out the door.

 Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his
hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

The ULTIMATE Price

How do you put a value on the 65 million email addresses and boat-loads of personal information that has FREELY been provided to Fleecebook?  When an IPO does occur, what is the value of Fleecebook's assets?  Who will pay the ULTIMATE price in this charade of raping the user's identities ?

Definitions:

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually ME-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

ADULT:
Person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

SKELETON: 
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Hooked-On Phones

Are you hooked on positive feedback?  Are you constantly checking your smart phone for new messages?  Have you become annoying to all around you?  Can you break the habit?  Is this as bad as caffeine or nicotine ?  If the dad-blamed phone is so smart, why doesn't it TELL you when there is a message- or why don't you let it tell you?  Is this like petting your dog or touching your mate?

"My husband and I found this great new method of birth control that really, really works... Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids."
- Roseanne


How smart phone users see each other:

"Yugo" Still Lives...Reincarnated...

I would love dearly to dump my cable carrier, comically known as the "Yugo" of cable companies.  There isn't very much choice, though.  The cable already runs to my house, and unfortunately, besides the overpriced cable programming; they have the largest bandwidth internet available here.  SO if I switch to dish, the programming will cost the same, but the internet from my bable company will go up because of debundling.  I could abandon the whole mess and just go for internet programming, but it is taking way too long to settle down.  First Hulu has free programming, along with a few others.  Netflix was the movie choice, but they are getting selfish now.  I would REALLY like a single point-of-contact on the net for programming, but I may be asking too much too early.  There is a lot of settling that has to happen first.  Meanwhile, pay, pay, pay....

The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

"Jews and Christians are different in a lot of ways. Some Christian people will actually have religious bumper stickers on their cars. Like 'Jesus is King', 'The Lord Saves'. Jews don't do that. You'll never see, 'Honk If You Love Moses.'"
- Gregg Rogell

During a particularly wet winter, floodwaters rise so high in one town that the National Guard evacuates all the residents.

One man stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left behind.

"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat and we'll carry you to safety!"

But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the Lord will save me."

The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later, when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat appears.

"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save you!"

But the man sends them away again, saying, "No, no, the Lord will save me!"

The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney and barely keeping his head above water. A helicopter, doing a final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker says,

"Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"

But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, "No, the Lord will save me!"

But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God, "God, why didn't you save me?"

And God says, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

Lipstick in Catholic School (you've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2007 and 2008. 

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA)

Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040. 

Brain Shrinkage ?

The Postal Service is aiming to close many of their offices.  One of our post offices has an automated system that allows for a user to weigh and affix postage to a parcel, or buy stamps, etc. and all by debit or credit card.  I usually go to that office to use this machine because there is not usually a line.  If this machine deals with more than 90% of why you go to a post office, then I really don't understand what the other 10% is or why so many people would rather wait in line to be waited on.  I hope they strategically place these machines around town, because I would rarely, if ever, seek a "personal" touch.  BTW, does this mean that they won't ask for higher prices on postage ????

Apparently scientists now say that brain shrinkage is uniquely human.  This fact, of course, is extremely believable.  What they didn't have anything to say about, was the disparity between the starting sizes of human brains.  This certainly is an evolving trait based on how much utilization we get out of our brains.  Theoretically then, it must also be an acceptable fact that politicians have many relatives, and they are affecting the gene pool.

Is there anywhere that we can escape from advertising now?  At the movies there are more commercials that previews.  On your smart phone, there are ads wherever you look.  At the gas stations there are flatscreen digital ads continuously.  Almost every website you access on the web has ads.  The TV is crowded with ads.  My blog even has ads.  How can we escape?  Please continue NOT to click on any of them.  Eventually, each advertiser will realize the futility of the ads and cease and desist.

A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??   HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!! 

Change ?

Last night I watched "Take Me Home Tonight" with Topher Grace (I like him), but there wasn't much to like about the movie.  Each time I thought it was getting better, it continued to slide downhill.

As I read the paper this morning, I could not help but notice how complacent I've become to the same old stories: earthquake, rocker died of overdose, terrorist shooting/bombing, politician cheating on his wife, congress doing nothing but giving themselves raises...  Why do I buy the paper? I want to know the news, not samo-samo, day after day.  Where is all the "change" we were promised?  Is Obama powerless?

During the Second World War an American secret service agent was
sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an
agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town
using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.

He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into
a farmer.

"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."

"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of
folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones
the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."

"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered
the secret code.

"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready
for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."

Restroom Signs
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
- Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

You're too good for him.
- Sign over mirror in Women's  restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly
Hill, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's,  Beverly
Hills, CA

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign,  IL

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
- Men's Room, Lindas Bar and Grill Chapel Hill, North Carolina

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort,Dallas,Texas

Express Lane: Five beers or less
- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke
University, Durham, North Carolina.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then
let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -
Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and  doesn't die. -
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Not on My Grave Puhleeze!

This has REALLY gone TOO FAR.  Now there are Quick Response (QR) codes appearing everywhere- even on grave markers!  So I go to visit a friend's grave- which is supposed to be forever- and they want me to use the QR code to go to a website with my smart phone so that they can capture my private data while I peruse somebody's last words to my friend on his website!  What's up with that.  I guess, if I don't have a smart phone- or there is no coverage at the cemetery, I would get left out.  GIMME A BREAK!  This is not only STUPID and INSULTING but also BIASED as hell.  I can't imagine who would do this- oh yes I can:  I saw that there are t-shirts with QR codes on the back, so that (discreetly) you can process them with your smart phone and make subtle contact, if you wish.  THIS GUY, wearing the t-shirt, WOULD PUT a QR CODE on someone's GRAVE MARKER!  

[Those of you with smart phones, process the QR code above for a special message!!]

"I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood
all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily, it was a Wednesday
and we were just playing golf."
- Brian Kiley

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said,

"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I
was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than
ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed
she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're
older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES."

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes
that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign
saying,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit and holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun says,  "Please place $50 in
the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's
cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Biggest Lies
The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

...then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

Here's Your Sign...

Sometimes I wonder how some people make it through the day.  They are so stupid that they should have it tattooed on their forehead.  Today I went into the market for a few items before coming home.  As I walked through the bread isle, I noticed a large display in the center of the walkway that was for a new kind of flavored butter product.  One had honey int it, another cinnamon.  I picked up one and read "REFRIGERATE". Immediately, I went to the front counter and told an attendant.  Her response was, "The salesman put up the display, you'd think he'd know that it needed refrigeration."  So meanwhile they came and took down the display.  I wonder if it all spoiled....Dumb as a box of hair!

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"

Southern Comments
Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart." 

Celebrities Visiting....

Sometimes I wish I had paid more attention to my dog when I take him out to do his binness...  He waddles about sniffing to look for an appropriate and deserving place.  Bottom line is, though,  if he can't screw it or eat it, he pisses on it!  Works for me too, especially regarding lawyers, banks, politicians and salesmen.

My daughter works in a small store on State Street (Santa Barbara) and says that Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively came in and shopped today.  She sold them some baby toys.

 

Here's the latest:  If you are somewhat weird celebrity, or just like the idea of naming your kids with strange first names- don't do it in New Zealand.  They have outlawed a whole long list of unacceptable names, such as Lucifer, Duke, Messiah, Bishop, Baron, General, Judge, King, Knight and Mr.  I wouldn't be surprised if you'd have to submit the proposed name and await approval, kind of like a special license plate for your car.

SCHOOL BUS IN JAPAN

 






SCHOOL BUS IN INDIA
 
.........and which country do you get when you have a technical problem with your computer?

If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

Pizza Time

In this time of austerity, we just had pizza for dinner for $1.99 per person.  You ask, how could we do that when an average large pizza is close to $30?  Costco sells an 18 inch pizza which is actually very good, but for $9.95.  It must be a loss leader.  At any rate, when it is just me and my wife, I can buy a double slice for $1.99.  One each of those is more than enough to get my pizza fix, without pigging out!  Not having extra slices means we won't eat them, and in this case we don't pay for them either.

I remember when it was fun to go to the Pizza Time Theater and watch old movies while we ate.  Somehow, that has lost its charm when you do the same at home.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.
The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim,

"Wow! It just missed the highway!"

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass"! 

Men "Defined"

1 He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

3. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

4. .He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

5. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

6. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of  "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

7. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

8. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

9. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

10. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

More Budget Woes

This is pretty amazing:  A guy moves into a abandoned home in Texas and files some papers which included a $16 fee and now he owns the place.  Why is this legal ?  Apparently his obligations to the mortgage holder are nil because they went out of business.  It really appears as though there were a number of events which all occurred in sequence that made this possible.

I am sure tired about these different states and the Fed not being able to make a budget.  I can't either, because everything keeps changing in cost. What about when WE can't make our budget ?  I guess I'll raise taxes.

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Lady #1.
"Do what?" asked Lady #2.
"Send my lawn away to be mowed." 

Ponderings
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? 

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There's only one problem"

"What is it Ma?"

"They won't let me fart."