Bat Chain Pullers

So how many Bat Chain Pullers does the GOP have to throw into the fray?  Palin, Gingrich, Huntsman, Romney, Paul, ....  Do any of them even have a chance to get the nomination?  Let's see, the requirements read as such: 1) breathing, 2) low number of skeletons, 3) Republican, 4) Nobody remembers when you last pissed off someone important.  Would the GOP throw away millions just to have any candidate?  My point is, why bother?  If you're going to lose anyway, why bother ?

I never could understand why European countries give their workers a month to six weeks vacation but we are stuck with two weeks and it grows very slowly from there.  Whatever happened to a work-life balance?  Even when American workers GET a vacation, much of it is spent on a computer dealing with things back at the office.  Why is it that it doesn't work here?  In Europe everything shuts down for some long period of time.  Here everything keeps marching along because we stagger our vacations instead of them all happening simultaneously.  I guess I would like to experience the other way to see if I like it better, BUT on the surface it sounds just wonderful (I guess the English would call it a "proper holiday").

Redneckers...

Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pickup line in Tennessee? Nice tooth.

How do you know when you're staying in Tennessee? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the front desk says "go ahead".

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee? A documentary. What do they call them in Kentucky? Life styles of the rich and famous.

How many Tennessee rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Where was the toothbrush invented? Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have
been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Tennessee state lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Nashville burned down? Yep, pertinear took out the whole trailer park.

What's the best thing to come out of Tennessee? I-40

A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver says, " 'bout what"?

A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they are still brother and sister.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseans in the same room? A full set of teeth.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive" The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?"

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied "Mommy, where's my boogie?"

Ever wonder....
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Their Old Ways Are Still In Motion...

So I've been getting this call for about two weeks now, at least once a day from a area code in Missouri. When I answer the phone, there is a pregnant pause and then they ask for someone I never heard of.  I tell them that they are calling the wrong number because there is nobody here by that name.  They didn't identify themselves and hung up before I could find out anymore information.  I wrote to Edhat to see if anybody else locally was being bugged by the same caller, and sure enough it is Citi Mortgage. Apparently a few other readers were also bugged.  I decided to call the number back and all I got was a recording with another number to call.  I called it and after umpteen button selections, got a live person.  I asked him to get his supervisor.  I explained the situation to the supervisor and was assured that my number would be removed from the call list.  Of course, that doesn't account for the others that are also getting calls.  So hopefully I will have a call free day tomorrow.  I repeated this story here to show that in spite of all the OTHER ways that marketers have figured to plunder us, the old ways are still in motion!

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Medical Terms

A wife pursued her husband to visit his doctor as he was not been able to do all the things around the house, like he used to. So, after the clinical investigation...

Man: Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.

Doctor: Well, in plain English, you're just lazy!

Man: Okay, now give me the medical term that I can tell my wife. 

A man is traveling across the country and comes upon a pig with a wooden leg. This rouses his curiosity so he finds the owner of the pig and asks "How'd your pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Why, this pig is really something else. One day, I got trapped under my tractor. My little fella ran on over to the neighbors and somehow got them to come on over and free me from under it. This amazing pig saved my life!"

The traveler, amazed, says "That is amazing, so how'd he end up with a wooden leg?" The farmer goes on to say "Let me tell you about this marvelous pig. Another time, the house set fire and I was trapped inside, unconscious. This sweetheart of a pig ran through the flames, grabbed my arm in his mouth and dragged me out to safety. This little guy saved my life AGAIN!"

The traveler, mystified, replied "That is a wondrous thing, but... how'd the pig get a wooden leg?" The farmer goes on, saying "Let me tell you... one time I fell in the pond, and not knowing how to swim, set to drowning. This beautiful creature dived on in, and pulled me out to safety, then gave me
mouth to mouth resuscitation. The little bugger SAVED MY LIFE! AGAIN!"

The traveler, amazed, but now incredibly curious, asked again..."Wow, but... how'd he get the wooden leg?!" The farmer replied, "A marvelous creature, I tells ya, a real beaut. A pig like that, you just can't eat a pig like that... at least not all at once." 

Directed Thinking: Oh No!

Are we ready to live in a world filtered by Big Brother?  Because the internet biggies (Gaggle, Fleecebook, Microshaft, and Yippee) think that they know each and every one of us by the data we allowed to be collected, they will adapt out search results to fit our perceived desires.  I for one am not ready for a filtered world.  This is an affront to our Democracy and our right as citizens.  Now maybe you think I've jumped off a short pier into oblivion, but let me give you some details.  At first when we do a search of a location such as Paris, the engines will adjust our results to include various candy and pastry shops because we have previously indicated a "Like" for that kind of information.  Before you know it, the news will be slanted to exclude particular views because of our political and ideological affections.  This is beyond annoying.  It really means that I can no longer learn about the world as a whole, to later make up my own mind as to what is right and wrong.  They (royal) are going to do that for me and only tell me what they think is correct based on whatever they think they know about me.  This is REALLY WRONG.  It is one thing to use this for directed marketing, but now they are using the information to redirect our thoughts and predilections.  I won't accept that.

Here is the REAL TRUTH about the current state of the internet.... I would put it here, but there is a copyright on the contents...

THIS BALONEY JUST IN:  In case you were expecting something more spectacular last weekend: Harold Camping says now that the rapture DID occur, but nobody was worth saving...

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.

After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here!" he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

End Of The World Postponed...

'May 22, 2011 - To No End

So the world didn't end yesterday. It didn't even rest, or stop for a crossing pedestrian. And whether we think that the Earth is spinning out of control, off its axis, or over-heating, we all know that it would take a firm place to stand and long lever to change its course. You can't make things happen just by saying so on the radio, you know.

So now that we have made it past May 21, 2011, there's a lot to think about - things like what a bad idea it was not paying your utility bill last month. And maybe you shouldn't have gotten that tattoo. But you really aren't in a world of trouble. As Ed always says, "It's better to be late with the rent than late for dinner."' - Edhat

Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: "The world doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sorry." 

I couldn't have said it better myself, so I didn't...

Under the category: "ASK ME IF I GIVE A RAT'S ASS...": Why would I care what Sarah Palin's ringtone is or what she was told to say (by the formerly "G" OP) about Obama's Israel speech?  Bottom line: We all (for the most part) care less about what comes out of Palin's mouth now than we did when she was running for VP.  Keeping herself in the news will NEVER give us a warm-fuzzy feeling that she has any original thoughts or is capable of them...There went the neighborhood, as Palin buys a house in Scottsdale!

If you are foolish enough to spend time on Fleecebook, here are nine blatant ways for you to lose [money, identity, security on your computer, ...].

If you couldn't come up with any Rapture Jokes don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect..

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf. 

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.. 

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)

When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. 

Graphene...

CAVEAT EMPTOR: Why is it that some things are really inordinately priced?  Here is an example:  Have you ever looked at those automatically retracting leashes (compliments of China)?  In the pet store, they start at about $30 and go up to about $60.  The more expensive model has a flashlight and a container of poop bags.  However convenient, but way overpriced for a thin leash, spool, spring and two plastic halves of a handle.  Maybe this is a bad example, but those prices hold in Target or Kmart, as well.  So are they trying to take advantage of pet owner that are obsessive for their pets?  Why is it that Harbor Freight Tools can sell the same units (albeit repackaged) for only $5.99 ?  People that come in to buy tools are NOT looking for pet stuff in that store, so any purchase is just happenstance. They are still making profit on that item, so you can only imagine the profit margin in pet stores (and in this case pet stuff in department stores).  I'm very sure that there are many other examples of focused markets that are very advantageous for the buyer in an unfocused setting.

I am a contest "enterer".  I am annoyed enough today that I will not be entering this contest. Tiger Direct is a website that always have good contests- good because of the prizes (not that I've ever won one).  Their latest (and perhaps previously, but my first exposure) has a button to press to enter.  It throws you into Fleecebook and to continue, you have to click their "Like" button (and sign up for Facebook, if you are not a member).  This is not only an annoyance, but I am appalled that this company wants to push their "Like" statistics because they have a contest where unsuspecting fools are pushing "Like" to enter.  I will not give Fleecebook the satisfaction of me buying or entering any contests though this means.  More and more retailers are pushing buying while on Fleecebook.  People are always on Fleecebook, so why leave to buy anything?  I still believe that this AOL-like bubble that is being created around Fleecebook will bust when EVENTUALLY people tire of being on Fleecebook all the time.  Their artificial worth will tumble eventually- meanwhile I am boycotting doing anything that could be productive through Fleecebook.  There is so much more available on the net that is not in Fleecebook....

WORLD ENDS - Film at 11:00 ...

So I've been looking for the NEXT BEST THING, but apparently I've been looking in the wrong place.  If you put *this* on the level of discovering plastic, it will be pretty amazing.  Also, since it is not-ready-for-prime-time yet, one can only imagine all the new and wonderful applications of this new technology.  Be sure to play the video at that site...

Don't spend 5 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to
the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next
morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.

Why health care is so high...

Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had... Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.


Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?? 

Confucius didn't say:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Doomsday or Palin for Prez, You Pick...

Give us a friggin break.  First we get Palin's complaints about everything and her push for the Prez loses momentum.  Then Frump (I mean Trump) takes over with his false push for the Prez, which I don't believe the blow-hard had any intention of commitment.  Now Palin is back at it again with "fire in her belly" for the position.  GOP- give us a friggin break and get serious or give up!

I have avoided speaking of doomsday predictions or the upcoming "rapture", but let me say this.  The predictor has already made over $100 million on his website from donations (shades of selling pet rocks).  Two guys at work have been talking about selling rapture insurance to have your pets and family taken care of, should you be chosen....  The old saying that goes something like, "if it sounds too good to be true, than it probably is" comes to mind....

What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Targeted Marketing--

I have heard of targeted marketing before, but this is ridiculous. Walk into a store and your smart (I mean spy) phone starts receiving local text messages advertising items (SMS over RF) and telling you what isle to go to. The only part of a smart phone that is smart are the people making money off of the dumb fools that carry them.

Ever wonder what is going on behind your back on the internet. The big players like Fleecebook and Giggle are pushing you to utilize the online markets from within their bounds. Of course, they are making money off of every purchase.  That information is also going into a database for future sales to other retailers for directed marketing.  The "filter bubble" is allowing them to tailor searches as well.  This means that two different people doing the same searches won't get the same results!

I know many people have wished more many years that they were more than they are.  I have been wanting, even yearning, for the last five or ten years to lead a simpler lifestyle and actually be less than I am.  So what the hell do I mean?  Have you ever wished that you could be a bank teller or a gas station attendant or sell bait by a lakeside- and be happy just doing that.  That means putting engineering and all your education and experience aside to hopefully lead a stress-less and simpler life.  What about owning a bait and tackle shop on a lakeside, with a sign in the window that says, "If the fish are biting, the store is closed.".  What would I think about without the stress of everyday life- as I know it now?  

Be sure to check this non-politically correct site...CraigsLisp.

"The Japanese company that makes American theater seats has had to redesign the seats because of the American people's expanding back sides. But don't worry, the American industry, not to be outdone, has already gotten to work on a fatter ass."
- Conan O'Brien

Cat Quotes
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
-- Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
--Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
--Jeff Valdez

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
--Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
--Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
--Joseph Wood Krutch

"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
--Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
--Hippolyte Taine

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

70s Rock or Septuagenarian Rock?

Today I've noticed that I am aging faster than I realized.  Last night we went to see The Moody Blues play in concert.  I have never seen septuagenarians playing rock!  The drummer cam to the microphone and exclaimed that he had been through the 60s twice and had turned 70 that day.  I'm sure that the lead singer and bass player weren't far off.  It was very strange to see such an old person with long hair (white) and black leather pants.  No matter what they played, it was played well- but sounded better when I looked at the dancing fans.  The mean age of the audience was definitely in the high fifties.  Since they still sound good and are still making recordings, when should they stop?  The way they were hopping around on the stage I was concerned they would stroke-out or have a heart attack right there and then....

American Dreaming...[Jeff Toogood]
     Having reached the ripe age of old (I read that between 55 and 60 is 'old'; over 60 and it's 'aged'), I have convinced myself that the short journey from childhood to old-hood can be reached using the following life-plan.  This distilled wisdom comes not from Fidelity or Kinecta financial planners, but from lessons learned and congealed into a simple set of steps (much like the pint on my night-stand and the blood in my arteries.)

1. Save your hard earned money for retirement, old age.
    Don't have any money left over from your sustenance pay check?

2. Get an education for a better job.
    Not clever enough to last four years?

3. Learn a trade--preferably one not dominated by foreign workers working for sustenance pay.
    Not trainable or suffer from short attention span?

4. Buy lottery tickets with money collecting aluminum cans. 
    This track has its risks: divorce, bankruptcy after over-spending, addiction of (take your pick), long lost friends and relatives begging for money they feel entitled to.  However, if you win, then the glow of the once-in-a lifetime thrill will be your reward.

    Never a winner?

5. Work for the government.
    This final stop-gap solution has generations of successful examples (e.g.. Bush, Kennedy).  As a civil servant, your pride is the only casualty.  To compensate, the unions and governing body has ensured that all categories of personal financial misfortune are covered providing you are willing to 'dumb down' and learn the ropes of political life.  Whether it is president of the United States or janitor at the local elementary school, all risks associated with a capitalistic economy are absent.  You are no longer a citizen, you are a member of the government!

    Hopefully this concise and useful summary of how to survive the American dream helps.

The Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know... 

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp each holding a sign.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every
day. Jose says, "Look at your sign."

I HAVE NO WORK, A WIFE AND 6 KIDS TO SUPPORT.

"Now look at mine." Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

I ONLY NEED ANOTHER $10.00 TO MOVE BACK TO MEXICO. 

Zuck Sweats...

Amazingly enough, the Winklevoss twins are trying to get their case heard in the supreme court.  This out to make Zuckerberg sweat.  The chances are very small, however, that they will take on the case.  Usually, there has to be some point of law that has to do with constitutionality or federal statutes.  I can only look forward to Zuck's next day in court.  I know he's not!

Just when you think you might have heard it all... Some Facebook fanatics just saddled their newborn with  a name from Facebook, 'Like'.  This is what kind of people are causing changes in our world based on their voting records in the Facebook world.  Sounds like we need some major gene-pool cleansing....

I know we all have little annoyances that tend to bug us on a regular basis, but this one keeps coming up.  I will look ay a news site and it will list a story that I'm interested.  I click the link and it turns out to be a video.  I'm not to excited about it, but then a commercial plays for sixty seconds first.  I'm not going to watch it.  Because

20 Excuses for Not Going to Work
· If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

· I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly, resetting the clocks in the house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

· My stigmata's acting up.

· I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

· I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

· I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.

· Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling.

· Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

· I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

· The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

· When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

· The dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the vet.

· I'd prefer to remain an enigma.

· I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

· I can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

· I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

· I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

· I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little agreement at last year's Christmas party.

DIY Security System

Estimated budget: $10
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

“Bubba, 

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter” 

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

De-Trumped!

Recently it came to me that probably most of the inventions of modern man are really attempts at controlling nature.  For example, the internal combustion engine is man's attempt at controlling explosions.  Hydroelectric dams are man's attempt at controlling gravity.  Electronics are man's attempt at controlling the semiconducting nature of well placed elements and applying moving electrons (electricity).  There are many, many more examples, but the point that I was trying to make is that they are not always beneficial to man.  There are side effects that we end up with because we really don't totally understand all of the issues when we make the attempt.  For example, greenhouse gases, fallout from ruptured reactors, pollution... and on and on.  Why did it take me so long to realize that these were not just "inventions" but actual attempts to control some part of physical nature.

Well, as expected and predicted, we won't have Trump to kick around in an election.  Was this part of the original plan?  Or did he actually think that people would look past his "mouth" and see a true contender?  I think the GOP put him up to "stirring the mud" since Palin wasn't doing a good job any longer.  I don''t think he ever intended to run because he has too many shady deals in his past that would come to light.  Also he pontificates about the way the gubmint works and how it REALLY should work, when we all know that he has managed to take advantage of every tax break known to man (and maybe a few that aren't).  He should actually pray that nothing changes!

And then the cop said.........

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here." 

The Problem With Flowers

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.

“Just great” the brunette complained to the blonde, “my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers”.

The blonde responds, “Why is that a problem?”

The brunette replies, “Oh sure, now I am going to be spending all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air.”

“Why” asked the blonde, “Don’t you have a vase?” 

Show Time

We went to the Wheels and Waves car show down the center of town today.  There were about four or five hundred cars to look at.  It is a bountiful show in that it attracts a varied group of entrants. It is very casual and the crowds consisting of walkers, bike riders, motorcyclists, dogs, strollers, wagons and more, file past the cars threatening their perfect condition.  Even Andy Granatelli was riding past the cars in a covered golf cart. It is a scary show if you are showing your car.  On cannot really relax.

A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving...

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.

Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before. 

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:
1. AQUADEXTROUS - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down
to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT - v. To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped
on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
"remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST - n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room
until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout
on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
"illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER - n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS - n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION - n. The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.
___________________

Garage Sale Events...

Today was the big day for the garage sales (at least five on the block simultaneously).  We got up at six and had breakfast and coffee.  I took the Pilot to the corner to get is out of the driveway and make more parking for buyers.  When I came back to the house to move Ridgeline to the same location, nothing happened when I clicked the key-clicker.  I figured the battery in the clicker had died (or who know, since it was Friday the 13th last night).  The truck is almost six years old, so either battery could have given up the ghost.  I woke up my son and had him pull next to the truck to jump start it.  Every time I connected the positive terminal, the horn started honking.  We tried it repeatedly, until we were sure the whole neighborhood was awake.  That battery was really dead.  I went to OSH to get a replacement, and found out that they no longer carry them.  Since Sears owns OSH and Kmart, I figured I'd try Kmart next.  I got a DieHard for much more than I paid for a battery last time I bought one, and proceeded home.  When I put the battery in, every time I connected the positive terminal, the horn would start honking.  FINALLY, I decided to call the service department of the local Honda dealer to see how to turn off the security system so I could finish the job.  Surprisingly enough to me; inserting the key into the driver's door and moving the lock shut off the security system and the horn.  The job was done and the truck started successfully!  
Meanwhile, back at the garage sale, we had people show up at 7:15, even though the ad clearly stated that there would be no early-bird sales.  The sale started at 8:00, and we were not going to make any exceptions.  Luckily those people came back.  We cleared about $350 on mostly junk by noon.  After two, I loaded up the truck and delivered most of what was left to a local charity thrift store.  Amazing slice of American culture...

The White Lie Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this--especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh, my," she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

The Ugly Woman
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two bratty kids in tow. Up and down the aisles she screams obscenities at them. The kids of course act miserable the whole time. No one has a clue what to do or say. As a result, the whole place is in a tense hush wherever the three of them go.

Finally the manager sends over the official Wal-Mart Greeter. He tells the elderly man to see if he can get some peace and quiet one of the kids kicks. For his efforts, he is immediately kicked in the leg by one of the kids. Unfazed, he puts on his official Greeter face and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, and welcome to Wal-Mart... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell No, they ain't twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7."

The woman actually pauses for a moment. "Hey, why would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "it was just beyond my imagination to think you could actually have gotten more than once!"

Zeitgeist ?

In case you are wondering, Blogspot went down yesterday for necessary maintenance (probably virus removal), so we did not have a post.

Zuckerberg is embarrassed and he should be. Instead of companies (i.e. Facebook) doing the best that they can to produce a good or even great product, without stepping on toes or violating anybody's privacy. they are involved in a smear campaign against Google. The more I read about the immature Zuckerberg and the company that reflects his maturity, the more I am disgusted with his company, product and the industry for being so cutthroat. If you can't make the best, then for sure we'll make the bast look bad, thereby making ourselves look better. That is no attitude or business practice for them to be proud of...

Looking about on the web, trying to find some zeitgeist... but lately things are pretty quiet. 

I spent almost all day today working on staging a garage sale for tomorrow morning.  Honestly, I'd just be happy to get rid of the stuff EVEN without any money made.

I asked my wife if she'd love me when I was old and useless. She
said, "Of course I do"
- Rodney Dangerfield

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next-door neighbors' daughter's rabbit.

For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and placed it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".

Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed

"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted,

"What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in its cage?"

Church Bloopers
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The
sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say fuck you to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
... />For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
'What Is hell' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility. ... />
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication
to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Dumb People
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

A few bricks shy of a full load.