Picoftheweek

Picoftheweek
Waaaaaaaay too many to count...

My Statement

"Let me emphatically say that I am not anti-Facebook (Fleecebook), anti-smart phone, anti-Microsoft, anti-Apple, anti-Google or anti-Internet. I do believe, though, that the consumer is being ripped off of his privacy, identity and purchase history. We are being herded into a Facebook corner where what we "Like" and where we go physically and on the net will be scrutinized and sold numerous times to actually corrode and erode our culture while tempting us only with convenience, high tech and flashing video screens. The unsuspecting consumers need to be aware..." - Gary Lapman

Quote of Note

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”-W.C. Fields

"For the strength of the Wolf is in the Pack, and the strength of the Pack is in the Wolf." - Rudyard Kipling

"Common sense is not so common. " -Voltaire

“Fame is vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, but only character endures.” - Matthew McConaughey

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him"

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason" - Jerry Seinfeld

"Fleecebook is free, you (and your identity) is the product!" - Gary Lapman


"Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves." - Eric Sevareid

"'Smart' phones are only smart for the cell phone providers!" - Gary Lapman

"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.” -Albert Einstein

"Technology creates the illusion of companionship without the intimacy of friendship." - unknown

"No worry, there's an app for that..." - Gary Lapman

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Quiet Weekend

We spent the day shopping in various points south yesterday. First stop was a tile showroom in Santa Barbara and then to Thousand Oaks for fireplace accessories.  Not finding them in T.O., we moved fifteen minutes more farther south to Woodland Hills.  Returning north, we perused the Camarillo Outlets and then stopped at the Deckers' Factory Outlet.  One more stop at Pacific View Mall in Ventura before returning home.  It was actually pretty amazing that we found so many places to shop but only returned home with one pair of new shoes!
As more and more stores close in my area, I can't help but wonder how far we'll have to travel for shopping in the future.  While we do buy things on the internet, it still seems more appropriate to "hold them in your hand" first.
Today we walked the dog along the bluffs in Isla Vista to Coal Oil Point.  The wind was howling, the waves were high and the whitecaps as far as you could see.  There were wind surfers and parasail surfers really moving fast. They were having a ball. We came home with itchy eyes and running noses...



A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.
It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!" 




Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.





"They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss
America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do you really want to
hear, 'My dreams for the future include world peace, and that my
ex-husband gets killed by a bus'"
- Jay Leno




New Drugs for Women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. 


Friday, April 22, 2011

Don't Worry- I Won't Use What I Steal

Now both Apple and Google admit to collecting location information and other location oriented specifics particularly related to WiFi.  They should have known better.  They should have given the user an "opt-out".  They need to be up front with us that they are making a huge fortune on our graciously "available" information.  This is a huge rip-off of the user.  For one small thing; the user should be totally subsidized by the carrier for the data they provide!  There clearly needs to be some user rights legislation as well as privacy enforcement.  Of course, nobody is forcing the use of "smart" phones on anyone...As the Paradigm shifts... Remember when you could get a cell phone without a camera.  Soon we will try to remember when we could get a cell phone that isn't a "smart" phone.

Everyone's heart should bleed for AT&T [NOT].  This poor big boy cannot meet it's dominance goals unless the gubmint caves and lets it acquire T-mobile.  Perhaps it just needs to limit it's iPhone contracts to those it can easily support, or we'll end up with another Ma Bell!



Interesting Anecdotes ...
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.

Tourists visiting  Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashionable to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes' Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst
mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

When it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F

The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density

Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it produces

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil) and Mazaru(Speak no evil).

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight

Trivia in Roman mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads, graveyards and was the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft. She wandered about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs who told of her approach.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
  
And last but not least:
In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years! This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days.



For all the men and children in our lives who ask, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?"
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless(God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have  KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse.(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.(Where was that when you NEEDED  it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,"Here, you just might need this".

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ..........

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This is what bonding in the bathroom is all about!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Age Related Anti-Social Illness

Are you too old for social networking?   All my kids are concerned about when they say that we don't need a Facebook page is whether we look at their pages or not. There are specialized sites for boomers and the over fifty crowd, as well as one for tots. As friendships develop, certain comments or messages are only intended for certain people, so that kind of communication does not belong on a social networking site.  Perhaps the younger crowd does not realize that....  What IS too old, anyway?  They keep saying that age has slipped 10-15 years (like 70 is the old 60), so it must be all in our mind...

So Apple would like you to believe that they ARE creating location tracking information, but they are NOT EVER going to use it.  This isn't information that would ever be used to find your stolen spyPhone or spyPad since all you would need is their current location, not where they have been.  Why is it okay for devices to collect data (without the user's knowledge or consent)  and provide it to whomever pays ?

As an experiment in absurdity [and to prove that the vetting process for membership is flawed], we decided to get a email account for our chihuahua.  I first tried with Google and I was not successful.  Microsoft's Hotmail was simple.  The next step was to get Max a Facebook account.  I wanted this experiment to be relatively devoid of any links to us, as though Max was doing it independently.  I had to pick a last name for Max, that wasn't mine.  First I tried "Max Chihuahua", but Facebook balked.  I adjusted it to "Max Perro" and fudged a bit about his birthday, and Mr. Zuckerberg's prize software looked the other way, while Max got his own page. [This certainly doesn't appear to adequate to keep youngsters off, for sure.]  I added pictures, favorite movies (like "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" and "Legally Blond") and decided to poke my daughter to befriend Max.  An innocent gesture that got a not-unexpected response.  She opened a chat with me and complained about the absurdity, but wouldn't befriend him.  She didn't want her friends on Facebook to know that she had him for a friend.  Then, this morning, I went on to Facebook and looked at her page.  She wouldn't be Max's friend, but she complained about the friend-request to her Facebook friends!  [Why do I try to understand kids?]  I will continue to add "fluff" to Max's site to see if the information gets to the wrong places...



"Shouldn't there be some kind of relationship between how much a baby eats and how much comes out the other end? It's like at the circus, when they've got the tiny VW Bug but the clowns just keep coming out and out and out... Eventually you learn how to hold your breath like a Hokkaido pearl diver."
- Dennis Miller





10 Reasons You know you're addicted to Facebook

1. You relationship status is only official if its been updated on Facebook.

2. You check your Facebook account more then one time every hour.

3. You visit sites that list reasons you know your addicted to Facebook.

4. You take pictures for the sole reason of tagging them on Facebook.

5. You have several Facebook friends that you've never actually met in person.

6. You're one of the few people who actually use Facebook chat.

7. You find yourself saying things like "I will tag you in this photo" when you are out.

8. You tell (more like force) people to join Facebook.

9. You like to be poked and you like poking in return.

10. The world "poke" is no longer considered something physical to you.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Apple Knows Where You Are...And Who Else?

So once again, information on your iPhone or 3G iPad is being shared without your permission.  Apple is keeping track of your location, in real-time. When will this ever end?

I got my truck back today and it was ready when they said.  It was clean inside and out.  The repair was better than new and I was just ecstatic.  I thought about writing an email to the manager, but did one better.  I sent an email to Edhat and all the readers will know what a good experience should be.  I hope they get some extra business from my sharing...


"You have got to change those diapers every day. When it says six to twelve pounds on the side of the Pampers box, they're not lying. That is all those things will hold."
- Jeff Foxworthy


Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".
The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
"Hysterias and Posteriors".
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
No go, so they tried...
"Catatonics and High Colonics".
Thumbs down again, so they tried...
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
STILL not good, so they tried...
"Minds and Behinds".
Unacceptable again, so they tried...
"Lost Souls and - - - -holes".
Still no go. Nor did these...
"Analysis and Anal Cysts",
"Queers and Rears",
"Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks" or
"Loons and Moons" work either.
They finally settled on...
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends"!  




The latest toy has hit the shops--a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says,
because no one has the balls to pull the cord. 




Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Cumulus or Nimbostratus?

It's bad when you are reading a technical article or even a murder mystery and you have to look up a word to find out what they are talking about. It is very good to expand your vocabulary, but not at the expense of the storyline or technical description. One of the big advantages of online reading is that many words will be hyperlinked and can easily be clarified and return to the original text is easily accomplished. This would be very handy in online textbooks. While that is a big advantage (among many others); it may not be enough reason to completely abandon printed pages. There is still a casual elegance involved with reading a newspaper in an airport terminal or a paperback on a beach that can't be easily fulfilled with an e-reader, laptop, tablet or desktop. Until the investment is well under $100 for an e-reader, I won't consider it disposable or risk leaving one on my beach blanket, while I take a swim. I believe that e-readers will drop in price, while tablets will continue to add features and probably remain at approximately the same price for a long while. Laptops and desktops will probably continue to drop in price because of lackluster sales. They will still be needed by developers and other creators of content, as the e-readers and tablets are really for content viewing. Where does that leave the computer industry ? I think we are going to be doing more and more with our personal computers, but they will probably be on the "phone" platform. They will project keyboards on our desk, and screens on the wall. We will be developing content by accessing a cloud on a wireless network.




An elderly patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.

Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."
Patient, "Oh, I am in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!" 




The following is an important announcement...
Police warn all clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. 




A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Forty," she replied.


 And you thought you had a bad day....

Monday, April 18, 2011

DIY: Trump's Comb-over!

Dropped off my truck for body repairs this morning and walked a block to the car rental agency.  I showed up early at the body shop and didn't have to wait, but when I got to the car rental, there were about ten people ahead of me.  Those of us waiting in line were actually amazed that everyone was polite and patient.  The attendant was doing as best as he could under the circumstances.
Give me a break!  How in the world are supposed EVER take Trump seriously, when Time Magazine publishes the how-to on Trump's comb-over ?


 
"Penguins mate for life.
Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday."
- Ellen DeGeneres



A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smokes" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched
the clock He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of
relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" 

Sunday, April 17, 2011

What does Facebook have to with me Liking?

This really gets me riled!  Do some people not read articles unless they have to "like" them first on Facebook?  Apparently so, since there are people writing about the affect Facebook is having on our culture and society- AND it isn't good!  What if your favorite widget is made by a company that doesn't have Facebook presence (just presence of mind, probably)? Is that a reason NOT to buy that widget anymore? How shallow of our culture and society!  One could say that "resistance is futile...", but I'm a believer in the Social Bubble.  As soon as the NEXT-BEST-THING comes along, Facebook will fall- HARD.

So Facebook users, in most cases, appear surprised that their revered automated director of social relations (i.e. Facebook) would turn on their trusting involvement with the biggest privacy invasion in history just to make money!  Trust in me (for free); this is just the beginning.  Remember when they wanted to register gun owners, and the owners were worried that when the Russians came, they would know where all the guns were.  Well, put this in another arena, a similar arena....

Last night, on the pretense of a dinner invitation, I was surprised with a poker/birthday party.  It was a hoot... and sure was surprised.




"We've all done this because we're so mature. You see a cow on
the side of the road, stick your head out the window, and go,
"Mooo!" Like we expect the cow to think, 'Hey there's another cow
driving that car! How can he afford that?"
- Garry Shandling






Actual Newspaper Headlines

· Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
· Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
· Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
· Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
· Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
· Farmer Bill Dies in House
· Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
· Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
· Stud Tires Out
· Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
· Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
· Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
· Eye Drops off Shelf
· Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
· Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
· Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
· Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
· Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
· Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
· Miners Refuse to Work after Death
· Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
· Stolen Painting Found by Tree
· Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
· Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
· Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
· Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
· Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
· War Dims Hope for Peace
· If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
· Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
· Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
· Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
· Deer Kill 17,000
· Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
· Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
· New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Click on the picture above...

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Almost Expired

They should be ashamed!  The Postal Service makes (apparently) no efforts to track the origin of the pictures that are put on stamps, as this week it was determined that the picture that they used for Lady Liberty was NOT of the statue in New York harbor, but the imitation in Las Vegas.  I guess the Postal Service is an example of an imitation gubmint entity!  Let us have tremendous confidence in the people that run this gubmint entity- NOT!
Erring on the side of being conservative, I don't pay much heed to dates on foods or drugs.  Most of the time, the drugs have been used up in-time for the expiration dates.  If you had decided to be thrifty and buy the COSTCO size of aspirin, or Tylenol-equivalent, or Ibuprofen, of course, it would really depend on how many aches and pains you have had since you bought it.  I always figure that drugs start to lose their efficacy as they approach and pass the use-by date.  Food, on the other hand has dates that say how long it can be for sale on the shelf in the store.  Then there is another date.  Let's say that the date is on bread.  If I ALWAYS toast the bread, I really don't care how hard it is, but I don't like that pesky green mold.  When I see the mold, out it goes- but I continue to eat it as toast until then.  My wife, though, tends to eschew anything that is EVEN close to that date- either side.  So how about milk?  If it tastes okay, why not continue to use it ?  If it sours before or after the date, give it to Chuck! 
I is so unfortunate, but I am at the mercy of, of POLLEN!  Having taken one decongestant pill this morning that granted me only momentary composure, I have taken yet another, in the hope of relatively normal existence between sneezes....



My Next Life Backwards
I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your
retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally... you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case. 



What exactly is inside a Can-o-Whoopass?
Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases: 

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

"U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

"U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining" 




Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify.

"The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support "

"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher.. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"

...and finally

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the U.S. ARMED FORCES don't have that problem." 



A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
 

Friday, April 15, 2011

Thank goodness it is finally over...

So the week is finally over and I feel a great relief.  It was hectic at work, and hectic at home. Next Monday my car goes into the shop for work to replace the back bump, as I was rear-ended last week.  It is utterly amazing how much progress we have made with regard to automobile design.  Used to be that cars were so heavy and their bumpers were so massive that all the energy from an accident was transferred to the occupants.  Now the y make the cars a bit lighter, but the bumpers are designed to crush and not return to their original shape.  The energy of the impact is therefore absorbed.  Unfortunately, instead of a scratch on the bumper, it has to totally be replaced- at someone's great expense.  This fellow that hit me was not interested in even seeing the damage (or course thinking that is was very minor), so he is going to be very surprised when his insurance gets the bill for a replacement bumper and rental car.  It should be in the neighborhood of $1300-1500.  Shocking!




A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman had to slam on her brakes. As her tires screeched to a sudden stop, she hit the horn. Then she started screaming in frustration over her missed chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup in the process. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her half-open window. She stopped her cursing and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said: "I'm very sorry for your experience. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk."

"Obviously I made a mistake, but for some reason I assumed you had stolen the car."






Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Half of Facebook for $1000


Remember in the movie Social Network that Zuckerberg was constantly borrowing money for server equipment or other items necessary to get Facebook up and running?  We really don't know how true that part of the movie was, or if it is, whether those loans were ever paid back or not.  If they didn't get repaid, what is that loan worth today?  This guy in New York claims that he owns a portion of Facebook because of one of those loans.  Zuckerberg better have a receipt that he paid this guy back or the company is in deep doo-doo.
Sometimes, when I haven't received many jokes from friends, I have to peruse the discussion forums or joke sites.  Unfortunately, most them are pretty old.  It seems like most people are so preoccupied with the news that they aren't as funny as they have been...


A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks?"

"But of course", the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman."

Anxious to know more, the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses, and full of expectation, she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts at the dog, "Okay, I'll show you how to do this one last time!" 





THE LAWS
1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law

You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law

In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution

Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law

The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Bought and Paid For

Why is it that politicians continue to raise taxes to cover bad decisions on their part?  Why is it that a multi-billion dollar company, General Electric, pays no income taxes?  The politicians are in bed with the corporations and they get what they want AND we have to pay for it. Sounds great for them, but it really doesn't sound fair.  Even though life isn't fair on many areas, EVERYONE (including corporations) should pay their fair share.  Unfortunately they have been deciding what is fair.  I suppose it IS cheaper to pay for a politician than it is to pay for taxes. When is Obama going to penalize companies that cut jobs in favor of outsourcing overseas ? When is Obama going to reward companies for creating new jobs here ?  What companies OWN Obama ?  Doesn't it seem reasonable, since we saved Wall Street, that they should kick-in on our salvation ?  Would it be reasonable to assume that Wall Street owns Obama and Congress ?






Fun With Words
My mother wears hearing-aids. When Pavarotti performed at Lady Diana's funeral, she remarked, "Why are they letting him sing after he chased her through the tunnel?"


At the end of a long and probably very boring meal (at a formal dinner), (British Prime Minister) Macmillan turned to Madame de Gaulle and asked politely what she was looking forward to in her retirement.
Quick as a flash the elderly lady replied: "A penis."
Macmillan had been trained all his life never to appear shocked, but even he was a bit taken aback. After drawling out a series of polite platitudes, "Well, I can see your point of view," "Don't have much time for that sort of thing nowadays" It gradually dawned on him to his intense relief that what the old girl had actually said was "happiness."


41 Questions That Make You Think

1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?
6. How did a fool and his money get together?
7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
10. What's another word for thesaurus?
11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?
22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Yay for LA and the Space Shuttle Endeavour

Well, I certainly can tell you that the day after birthdays aren't as bad.  I felt REALLY old yesterday and worthless.  Today I am re-energized and ready for battle with youngsters.... Bring it on!

That is going to be one fantastic spectacle when the shuttle lands atop the 747 at Long Beach Airport, and then the shuttle gets transported via truck and trailer to the California Science Center in Los Angeles.  The traffic will be backed up for many miles as this is NOT going to be easy...










A LEGAL QUESTION...
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Is this statuetory rape?
Or is it just a moosedemeanor.

Monday, April 11, 2011

The Birthday Blues

To me.
4/11/11.  Today is my birthday.  I feel less important than I have in a long time.  It is probably a normal  feeling- now all three of my kids have concluded that they can ignore me, after all I REALLY am an old fart now.  

Someday, they will be deciding my disposition and before that, what home I get to live in and whether my bedpan is heated before I get to use it...  Oh hell, I'm not dead yet, and I still got a few years to make 'em pay!

I guess I just have the Birthday Blues...
The Singularity is coming, and in the mean time the "machine" is using us to make it happen!

So it appears as thought Zuckerberg has won again in the courts and the Winklevoss twins will have to settle for the $65 million that was the original settlement.  Perhaps now they will "Unfriend" Zuckerberg on their Facebook pages....
I've always wondered what would happen if you found a way to make gold from lead, but the instructions were to difficult to follow.  I am trying to use a new software application at work but STRUGGLING to get what the instructions are telling me.  To justify their existence, the implementers have obfuscated and made the instructions ambiguous enough to cause heaving and eventual emesis.  I sure hope it works well after it is finally configured...



The real truth they don't want you to know
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.   

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. 



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. You get to eat disgusting food like snails and frog's legs
3. If there's a war you can surrender really early
4. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
5. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
6. You can be fat & ugly and still become a famous film star
7. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
8. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
9. People think you're a great lover even though you're not
10. Striped shirts and berets are always in fashion

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer and get away with it
4. You can be a crook and still hold elected office
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth

TOP 11 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh
11. Or Scottish

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history ... well, till about 400 AD
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH

1. Ten! You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN

1. It beats being an American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1,000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. "Own-an-Eskimo" scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
capital to the ground [We lied, it was really England.]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, even
though you don't understand the rules either
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondai Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude towards homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said,

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she said earnestly.

"Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a minute." he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him.

She then asked him: "How does that feel?

He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."