Feeling better already about AT&T-Mobile

Does anybody REALLY believe that the AT&T - T-Mobile acquisition will benefit the consumers?  Don't be so naive to believe that corporate giants like AT&T do ANYTHING that isn't in their own interest.  You should realize that they, the largest carrier, found themselves overextended since they took on the data-heavy smart phones.  To keep the consumers "suckling their tits", they had to expand their network- and do it fast.  This comes on the heels of their main competition [Verizon] getting their hands on the iPhone and iPad (albeit in a lesser capable configurations).  Those data charges are keeping the wheels turning at AT&T- don't let anyone tell you differently.  I always thought that they broke up Ma Bell to foster competitiveness.  Now the massive corporation is re-building!

What's the best thing that can happen to TV short of the cable companies declaring that they will no longer be charging for service ?  More ORIGINAL content from more diverse locations.  So Netflix, Amazon and Google are climbing onto the bandwagon.  Tired of HBO's strong-arm tactics to keep hold of it's original series, these guys decided that a little bit of DIY was called for.  These guys, certainly are not naive, though.  They come to the table with a built-in audience and megabucks.  All they need are some winner shows or internet-only movies.  The crowds will be leaving cable in the dust.  We are all tired of lousy service, high prices and tiered pricing which forces you to buy a bunch of lousy NEVER-WATCHED stations to get one you like.

Had a chance to view "The Tourist" the other night.  Why is it that it is so obvious as to the problems in that movie that the director and film-makers couldn't fix it before releasing it ?  I see no excuse for making a bad movie.  There are plenty of opportunities to preview movies before they are released.  Here is a great example of a a movie that contained ALL of the puzzle-pieces to make a great plot, but the director (choked-up) when the gears were put into motion.  Even Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp (definitely a mismatch from the start) couldn't save this badly executed movie.  We enjoyed the scenery of Venice having seen it in person, but photography will not make the movie....

I went to pay my cable bill in person over the weekend.  I was hoping to reduce my bill by eliminating the services we don't use and then picking up a DVR in the process.  I can buy one for about $100 and then point it at a TV schedule on the web.  These guys at the cable company want $120 for a year, but I have to maintain a particular tier of service and rent a particular HD tuner for it to work properly.  Basically, then the cost of adding the DVR to my system would end up costing me $240 per year.  What a ripoff!  The sooner I get off cable the better...  [Squeeze that last dollar out of my customer base before they get driven off to internet-content...]

I noticed that Blockbuster has a sign on their building "LAST 20 DAYS".  Those that don't change with the paradigm, will cease to exist.  They are now paying for the mistakes that they made....  I can't wait to see that kind of sign on my cable company's door!

Groaners
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy-year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."
The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM."

The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine." 

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE
FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

AT&T-Mobile

How disappointing of a day for the first day of spring.  It rained and rained and rained, probably the hardest I have seen in many, many years.

So apparently AT&T need more bandwidth to handle [iPhone] smart phones and decided to expand it by buying some of the competition, namely T-Mobile. I'm sure that THOSE people that are subscribers to T-Mobile are not happy....

A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically. The prosecutor then approached the blonde and said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December last year you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over 100 mph through the center of London in a blizzard and you were totally nude?" The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecutor and calmly asked, "What was the date again?" 

Finally

I'm very glad that we finally are doing something to help the Libyans.  It has been almost too long.  I hope that the coalition forces will "shock and awe" Gadhafi into stepping down,  Nobody wants this to drag on, but I expect that he will be stubborn.

 

Saw some great vintage surfing shots and pictures of the Ellwood coast [where I live].  Check 'em out....   Life was sure a lot simpler then, especially for the oil industry.  Ellwood was never as over-pumped as Summerland, though.   In 1896, companies drilled in ocean waters from piers extending off the beach at Summerland.

 

Who said " ignorance can be healed...stupid is forever "?
Does seem relevant here.

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled by at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for $124 each for driving without a seat belt. 

 


THE IRISH BROTHEL
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Will you look at that?" says the first Irishman.
"And didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they
are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes
inside.
"There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats," says the second Irishman.

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside.
"Oh, how sad!" says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died!"

"The No Fly Zone" & More...

It sure is interesting that Gadhafi would call a cease fire just as the U.N. decided that it is okay to bomb Libya to protect the innocent populace from the Libyan army.  We know Gadhafi is crazy, but I guess you could also say that he is chicken.  Perhaps there will be a "No Fly Zone" without anyone firing a shot.  What a crazy rebellion....  But as the story continues... It appears as though the cease fire announcement was just that, an announcement.  The battle continues and the carnage has not slowed down.  Gadhafi is just asking for trouble now...  There is no second-guessing a crazy man!

When I first visited Hawaii and we were driving between cities on the "Highway", the first thing that I noticed is that there were no motels.  There wasn't a need because you could get back home on the same day.  Now Hawaii is taking the lead on installing electric vehicle charging stations- 320 of them.  I think that it is wonderful, but where will all the electric cars go, so that they recharging?  So I wonder where all this additional power is going to come from, certainly not from nuclear generation.  Given the weather in the islands, they would be perfect for wind  and solar power generation.  It is a shame that there was no mention of the power source or any planned augmentation.

How do companies like Twitter, Facebook or Groupon get valued at billions of dollars ?  Apparently, it is based on earning potential.  That, I'm sure could change to better or worse very fast.  I guess I really don't understand.

Regarding Prince William's bachelor party

"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.
He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. cow farts. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.
Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven and says,
'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought.
Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.' 

Who is Jack Schitt you ask?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. Thought you might enjoy this.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (that one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.

The China Syndrome ?

The "China Syndrome" refers to a possible result of the catastrophic meltdown of a nuclear reactor. Also called a loss of coolant accident, the scenario begins when something causes the coolant level in a reactor vessel to drop, uncovering part—or all—of the fuel rod assemblies. Even if the nuclear chain reaction has been stopped through use of control rods or other devices, the fuel continues to produce significant residual heat for some time due to further decay of fission products. If not properly cooled, the fuel assemblies may soften and melt, falling to the bottom of the reactor vessel. There, without neutron-absorbing control rods to prevent it, nuclear fission could resume but, in the absence of a neutron moderator, might not. Regardless, without adequate cooling, the temperature of the molten fuel could increase to the point where it melts through the structures containing it. Although many feel the radioactive slag would stop at or before the subterranean aquifer, such a series of events would release large quantities of radioactive material into the atmosphere and groundwater, potentially causing damage to the local environment's plant and animal life. - Wikipedia

Is this what we expect to happen ?   I hope not.

The situation is indeed grave in Japan.  At least currently, there is no cause for alarm here.

So [finally] the no-fly zone over Libya has been approved.  It is also worded in such a way to provide leeway to do whatever is necessary to protect innocent people.  Unfortunately, the rebellion may have already been squashed too far to bounce back.  I am assuming that Gadhafi has burned any bridges to other Arab countries.  I say we should let Venezuela have him, and we'll see just how long he lasts without his armies....

Check this video out...  An inventor has found a way to run a car on water!

I sure hope that this technology pans out- AND IN A HURRY!

Best Bar in The World 

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

Heaven 

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

No More Hilary

Lucky for us that Sarah Palin's support is fading, but is Haley Barbour or Newt Gingrich or Donald Trump any better?  Obama's second term is almost guaranteed unless the GOP can become a bit more galvanized and rid themselves of the extremists.

The crisis in Japan is forcing everyone to re-examine their comfort level with nuclear power.  I'm quite sure that Japan will come up with a solution for their ills, and also probably a suitable replacement technology.  It will probably include a combination of solar, wind and tide power.

 

I had read somewhere that Biden will be 74 by 2012 and Obama would probably pick a new running mate.  I had thought that Hilary would want the job AND would probably be good at it.  She announced today that she will not continue as Secretary of State or any other cabinet position including VP after Obama's first term. Being Secretary of State has probably drained all her energies and desires to be in politics.  I must admit, I am very surprised.  Won't it be interesting to see if she changes her mind ?

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'   'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

More
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
˜What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'...
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'! The wife apologized and went on with the housework...
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
The wife replied... 'Your horse phoned'!!!

Google vs. Facebook Wars Continue

So if you believe the rumors, Google is working on an anti-Facebook.  Apparently they feel that they are not making enough money and need to tackle yet another front...

Where will the next earthquake or volcanic eruption happen in the Ring of Fire?  Is California next? I hope that all the recent activity [Chile, New Zealand, Hawaii and Japan] has release enough pressure so that we are not next.  It certainly does seem like there has been a lot of activity recently, though.

 


Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands. 

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Funny Bumper Stickers
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

36. [On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.

37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over

40. Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. [At a restaurant] Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

50. Heart Attacks - God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It. Wanted It. Had A Fit. Got It!

56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition

57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

58. PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals 59. Keep Honking – I’m re-loading!

It's Too Late - They Already Have All the Information They Need...

With the occurrence of the disaster in Japan, I was wondering: What happens when you outsource manufacturing to another country and it has a natural disaster or political uprising or war?  Since you no longer have the capability at home, you are out of luck.  This, of course, drives the prices up so that the main reason that they were outsourced no longer makes sense.  What is really needed here is a balance between outsourcing and local processing.

Last evening, we acquired a copy of "The Fighter" and watched it. As the story unfold, one begins to realize that there are really two stories, the fighter (Mark Walberg) and the has-been brother (Christian Bale).  The setting presents the grittiness of the east coast in a poorer neighborhood that is obviously suffering from lack of opportunities and the influx and influence of drugs.  The brother has his fight cut out for him to get beyond the drugs, their influence and his past successes.  The fighter has to grow to escape the drowning influences of his family (especially the seven skank sisters) and achieve his own success while in the shadow of his brother's failures.  The story was very good- very authentic.  The performance of Bale was worthy of the Oscar.

So you might think that your personal data is safe because you are careful on the internet, but I beg to differ with you.  Your personal data is ALREADY in someone else's posession!  It is too late to protect ourselves from the not-so-obvious way of stealing (borrowing) information from every keystroke we make on the net.  We have already LOST control- or did we EVER really have it?  They call this "Data Mining", but I see it just like picking up nuggets on the ground.  We are addicted to the web, which make it great for all the data-sucking that covertly occurs.  Everyone is making money off me and my stats EXCEPT me!  Check out one of the data mining companies,  eXelate.com.  It is amazing how much money that they are making off me.

Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay - A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”

Morris, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Morris had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris' job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Morris' place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

A Nightmare Day, and then Back to Almost Normal...

So I had an interesting discussion yesterday (which  I will postpone), but I decided to share my day, as yesterday's post never was made.  

My daughter, home for Spring Break was stricken with all the symptoms of food poisoning or stomach flu.  It was the hope that she would be well enough to return back to school when it resumed.  Yesterday by two o'clock, she was still having abdominal pains and hadn't kept any food down for two days, in other words- she wasn't getting better.
We decided to take her to one of the walk-in medical offices, since it wasn't or didn't appear to be an emergency.  After examining some bodily fluids, the doctor determined that she was dehydrated and put her on a saline IV.  After three bags, she was feeling a bit better but still nauseous and experiencing abdominal pains.  The doctor there did not have the capability to perform an ultrasound to examine her appendix, as appendicitis is what her symptoms were speaking, so he sent us to the emergency room of the local hospital.
By the time we arrived there it was almost six p.m.  The ultrasound was inconclusive.  Meanwhile she was given another bag of saline and then asked to drink a gargantuan amount of some radioactive trace solution for a CT scan to put the appendicitis or not question finally to bed.  Consequently, we didn't get out of the hospital with a negative on the appendicitis until almost two in the morning.  It was a long day...  She'll be staying home a few more days to recover before returning to school.
Thank goodness we have medical insurance.  I don't know how families can cope with the expense otherwise.  I'm sure that yesterday was, at least, a five thousand dollar day...

It's all about the software.  It always was.  When the PC came out, there were hundreds of programs you could buy to make you PC customized into whatever you needed it to do.  Then the shareware and freeware revolution hit.  The PC remains popular today because of many reasons, but the first and foremost is the software available for it.
Now the popularity of smart phones, it has REALLY become an issue with the apps that are available as well.  After more than ten billion downloads from Apple's app store, do we honestly believe that it would be any kind of a success with out the apps ?  Having the right platform, with hardware capabilities beyond what we would have found on the early or even current PCs has driven the major development of apps for smart phones.  Being able to sample them easily and buy them for as little as $1.99 has made them "fly off the (virtual)shelf".  This is the way to market...  After the biggies (AT&T and Verizon) get done raping their subscribers for data charges and the paradigm shifts, I may even get one!

So what determines going too far?  What are you willing to do to get a job?  If your potential employer requires that you give him your Facebook logon and password to even be considered; is that legal? If an employer wants to scan the net with Google or search Facebook, more power to him.  When he asks to get logon and password to that account to "see all", that is wrong.  Of course, it is ALSO wrong to put anything on Facebook that doesn't pass the "60 Minutes" rule. [If you wouldn't want it to be shown on 60 Minutes, don't put it on your account.] Where should the interview line on access be drawn ?

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking
out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in,
rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a
1 to 10 scale. One says,

"I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees,
and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round
of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young
lass. He checks her out himself and says,

"Nah, I'd give her a 3."

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?!" says one of the three guys at
the table. "She's a real pretty girl."

The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser
method for rating women."

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste
in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another
young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they
confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However,
the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again
overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and
tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.

"A 5? How can you give her just a 5! She's absolutely gorgeous!"

The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method
for rating women.

"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to
his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde,
5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape.
Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the
three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress
is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer
pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender
once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances
studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he
could give her, would be a 7.

"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7?! She's
gorgeous!"

"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for
rating women."

"Budweiser?" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the
Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"

"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating
women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off
her."

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners

Strange but true
Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

In Bahrain, a male gynecologist can only examine a woman's private parts through a mirror.

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people,50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials.

In the 1800's, people believed that gin could cure stomach problems.

It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids.

Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory.
McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food heavy users.

Americans ate eight million more orders of french fries and almost six million more hamburgers this year compared to last.

The Netherlands has built 800 miles of massive dikes and sea walls to hold back the sea.

One pair of rats has the potential for 15,000 descendants in a year.

A female can produce up to twelve litters of twenty rats a year.

Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.

The rat has been called the world’s most destructive mammal - other than man.

Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world’s food supply each year.

25% of all fires of unknown origin are rat-caused.

26% of all electric cable breaks and 18% of all phone cable disruptions are caused by rats.

The USA has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.

Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic.

US tops the world in plastic surgery procedures. Next comes Mexico.

22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.

Mexican women spend 15.3% of their life in ill health.

Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday.

The Mall in Washington, D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City.

The women of Iceland earn two-thirds of their nation's university degrees.

American adults have been educated for the longest time.

The ten most generous governments (relative to GDP) are all in Europe.

The Slave-Maker ant is so named because it raids the nest of other ants and steals their pupae. Once the pupae hatch, they are made to work as slaves.

Workers in an ant colony only live for about 45-60 days, but a colony's queen can live up to 20 years.

Ants make up 1/10 of the total world animal tissue. The total biomass of all the ants on Earth is about equal to the total biomass of all the people.

By combining force of numbers with organized aggression, ants have become the greatest insect killers on Earth -- even of their own kind.

Ants began farming about 50 million years before humans thought to raise their own crops.

The animal with the largest brain in proportion to its size is the ant. They are the smartest species of insects with about 250,000 brain cells.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad in first class.

30% of Chinese adults live with their parents.

200 million people in China live on less than $1 a day.

There are 100 million internet users in China. Some of the sites they can't access are BBC news, Amnesty International and Dalailama.com.

In 2006, there were 398 million mobile (or cell) phones in China.
China is the source of 70% of the worlds pirated goods.

20% of the world's population lives in China.

People spend about two weeks of their lives at traffic lights!

Left handed people live slightly shorter lives than right handed people.

Armadillos are able to contract leprosy.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.