Reminisce Today...

What a different world!!!! Time to reminisce...  I know you can never go back, but I've have always wanted a "simpler" life like in the 50s.

I received an email with this content today.  It got me thinking...

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,  

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn..

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz , and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon , Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

If you didn't grow up in the fifty's,
you missed the greatest time in history,




Hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did.

HP7

Had a nice family Thanksgiving dinner and then decided to go see the latest Harry Potter movie.  The theater was only about half-full which was nice.  The story was well done, not leaving out any particular details from the book.  The mood of the movie expressed the gravity of the plot.  The acting was actually pretty well done.  Except for it's very abrupt ending (since this is only part 1), the almost three hour movie kept moving a a good pace and I was wanting more movie when it ended. 

WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have  choices in life:  You can stay single and
be miserable, or get  married and wish you were dead.

Marriage is the triumph  of imagination over intelligence.

A Woman's Prayer
'Dear Lord, I pray  for Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and  for patience for his moods.  Because Lord, if I pray for  Strength, I'll just beat him to death'

A Mafia  Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Enzo would hear  nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the  Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather  tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs  back, "I don't know what you are talking  about."

The lawyer  tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The  Godfather  pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer  signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't  tell him."

Enzo signs  back, "OK. You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried  behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!

The Godfather  asks the lawyer, "What did he  say?"

The lawyer  replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull
the  trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

Driving through Oklahoma, my husband and I went out of our way to stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.

However, we were less than thrilled when an employee addressed everyone over the intercom: "Attention, world's largest McDonald's customers."

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"  

Thanksgiving Bliss....

Most people in my household would rather have baked ham instead of turkey, sooooo we planned to ONLY have ham.  That didn't work because SOME people wanted turkey- sooooo we're having both.  The same scenario took place when we were deciding which pies to make, and we ended up making three instead of two.  ORIGINALLY, my wife and I said that we should probably go out to dinner and avoid the eighteen hours worth of effort for eighteen minutes of bliss.  The kids complained that they eat out all year long and REALLY treasure home cooking.  I couldn't argue with that, but we ARE paying the price in effort and holiday dollars!

Have a good and well deserved Thanksgiving Feast!

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Monday November 30, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate..
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before
Thanksgiving and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years
of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son demands.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I
get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay,"
he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their
own way."

Sword Waving...

Looks like the North Koreans are waving their swords again.  Isn't it amazing what jealousy will cause a country to do ?   So we are sending our ships in and the North Koreans won't even acknowledge that anybody else needs to be at the "peace" table except the South Koreans.  Next they will want the "table" to be in North Korea.  This is another job we should have finished when we had the chance.  Now since the have nukes, China and Japan will want to be part of the peace to be sure of peace.  I don't believe that the sword waving is done yet.  It is so unfortunate that innocent people were killed just to get attention.

 

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said, "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis. "

The third man said, "I died of seenus."

The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"

The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us! 

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 

Brands?

Have you ever thought about brands and the loyalty that they command ?  I remember when I was a kid, we had a Curtis-Mathes TV.  I had a friend with a Zenith ("The Quality Goes In Before the Name Goes ON.", with a remote control.  I was really envious.  I always thought of Zenith as a "Cadillac" of brands.  As manufacturing moved out of the US, the Japanese and Korean sets took over as premium brands.  For a while. if you didn't have a Sony, you weren't "cool".  What happened to the Zenith (or RCA, or Quasar, ...) brand ?  I believe it was sold to LG Electronics (previously known as Goldstar, from South Korea).  So now, if you are an old fogey and still remember Zenith as a brand, you might be swayed to purchase one product over another because of "name recognition".  In this case, LG bought the name.  
Another example could be General Motors.  There are examples of so called Chevy families who wouldn't consider buying anything else.  As the brand's products fell behind in reliability and style, and therefore resale value; they were abandoned.  It wasn't an easy thing for those families to accomplish, but they did.  They jumped to Toyota, Honda and Nissan in droves.  Here was a car and company that they could trust to get the service and resale return.  Toyota recently tested this with the problems that they had earlier this year.  Apparently, they came out of it smelling like a (trampled) rose.
I've given up on most brands.  I'm just looking for value.  Most small appliances are no longer built in such a way to be repairable, so buying a premium brand doesn't necessarily make any sense anymore.  Larger appliances are being replaced by Asian and European brands (even with American names, and I haven,t even touched store branding). Store brands, like Kenmore, are usually made by some major brand (god knows, as it changes whenever they feel like it), but sold here for less. Those companies are offering more features for about the same cost, while reliability is way up.  
Cars are a whole 'nuther can 'o worms.  Not only do we have technology, "Green-ness" and cost pushing at us, but also guilt.  I want a medium to large car for the safety and convenience.  I should buy a small car to save on gasoline.  I should buy a hybrid to help avoid "Global Warming".  Should I buy a brand I recognize ("other than a Coda or Kia or Smart") or buy what looks and sounds good when I buy it, forgetting about two, four or six years from now.  Maybe I should buy an electric car.  What if the batteries run down while I'm not home.  How do I recharge it ?  Maybe I should buy a scooter, for short commutes.  Unfortunately, there are still heavy duty trucks and SUVs to share the road with.  Same problem with riding a bike.  Maybe I'll just walk...everywhere....


So Turkey prices are up this year (What isn't?).  That is still not a reason to serve Tofurkey, but this might be:  AOL News is suggesting that one substitutes roadkill!  Even with all the advantages over Tofurkey, I'd gladly give up eating meat instead!

A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told
to go into a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman,

"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said,

No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.

 

From a Church Bulletin

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

Last week, a 60 plus year old woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .

Oh my, she thought he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room number 420 at the Four Seasons Hotel and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.
Now how does that sound?"

He says,

"Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic,

but you need to press 9 for an outside line..."

A young man named Bill received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Bill tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Bill was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Bill shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Bill, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Bill quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Bill was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

Before he could ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic change in behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly - "May I ask what the Turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! 

No more for sure...

I remember when I was a kid (like it was yesterday) the week long news coverage of JFKs assassination.  I was in a classroom in junior high when the announcement came over the intercom. The teacher burst out in tears and everyone was very quiet.  That was 47 years ago today. It is still very sad.  Can you just imagine how history might have been different had this not happened ?  Will we ever know (or be told, since probably the gubmint knows) whether the gunman acted alone and if not, who was behind it all.  This is certainly a piece of history we all could have done without and certainly do not want it to repeat.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural
pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress
his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him." she coos,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to lick them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

HAVING BOYS
NOTE: Do not attempt No.8 indoors!

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies .

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Parents will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drug store. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list."

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late." - Ralph Waldo Emerson  

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Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

Grope discounts available.

If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

We've handled more balls than Barney Frank

We are now free to move about your pants

We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

You were a virgin.

We handle more packages than the USPS  

Fly, Never Again....

Used say that it was summer so long here that Thanksgiving came in the middle of it.  This year, we hardly saw summer at all.  The holidays still snuck up on me, but I can't blame it on the weather...

We all want to be safe, yet we don't want to be as safe as we can.  You can't look through my clothes and you can't grope me during a mandatory pat-down in order to make me safe.  What if we didn't do anything, would people still fly ?   They probably would.  Of course we'd ask them to sign away all liability to the airline, crew and gubmint.  Perhaps the only solution is to overrun the trans with passengers to the point that a high-speed train becomes a plausible alternative to air travel.  Why do we think that the nasties won't want to hijack a train (what for?) ?   Even if they blew up a train, it would surely cause damage and hurt a lot of innocent people, but it doesn't have the news impact of the airline disasters.  So as I said in a previous blog entry, why would I want to fly anymore ?  There are way too many reasons to avoid it!

 

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

Funny Signs or Advertising by Small Store Owners

1. Gas Station – We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

2. Furniture Store — Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

3. Drugstore – Why be cheated elsewhere when you can come here?

4. Loan Company – Ask about our plans of owning your home.

5. Clothing Store – Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

6. General Store (antiques) – We buy junk and sell antiques.

7. Camera Store — One hour photos ready in 20 minutes.

8. Dry Cleaner – 38 years on the same spot.

9. Restaurant – Open 7 days a week and weekends.

10. Bookstore – Rare, out of print and non-existent books.

11. Dry Cleaner – We do not tear your clothing with machinery, we do it carefully by hand.

12. Church – Will the last person to leave please extinguish the perpetual light.

13. Convention Center — For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, we have a daycare center on the first floor.

14. School Basketball Court — Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended.

15. Hospital Maternity Ward — No Children Allowed.

16. Cemetery – People are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own grave(s).

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf." 

Condoms, Indian-noplace and Momma Grizzly

So today the Pope announced that condoms may be okay sometimes!  This is a shock.  So when is the best time to use one ?  How about when I don't want any unplanned pregnancies- what a novel idea.  The claim is that it would only be for prevention of disease, but I imagine that excuse could be stretched as much as a condom...


CNN Money claims that Indian-noplace is the most affordable location to buy a house.  Are there any jobs there that would help one pay for it ?  Probably not.  Least affordable was Staten Island in New York followed by San Francisco.  There are probably just as many jobs there, as well.

The whole story about Palin's viability to be President as well as her daughter Bristol's viability to win Dancing With The Stars:  I'm tired of it all.  The answer is No and No.  We as a country don't have the confidence that we need to allow Palin in the White House, and more than Dancing With The Stars letting Bristol win.  The claim is that Bristol's success is due to her mother's Tea Party-ers should be enough for Bristol to drop out of the competition, if she was truly a Momma Grizzly in disguise.  If you recall, Sarah told her not to go on the show, but she did anyway. Now someone will pay...

Trust ................

John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably won’t get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it.

He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctor’s examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the man’s butt was his glass eye staring right back at him!

“You know John,” said the doctor, “you’re really going to have to learn to trust me.” 

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across the table
from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William
finished proposing to her.

"I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered.

William was crushed but kept his composure. After dinner they
went to her place. The mood was romantic and William was eager to
make love to Lisa.

She stopped him and said, "Before we get married or even make
love, I want you to buy me something."

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond
earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned, William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you
want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."

William searched high and low but couldn't find such a knife.
Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he
again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't
without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife.

With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box.

She carefully opened it and saw the knife. They went off to the
bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her
bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the
contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy
Scout knifes.

"What's this? Why did you ask me for a gold knife when you
already have so many of them?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said

"Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my face will
start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me
then?
But, do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these
knives?"

You know you are doing too much karate if....

You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.
You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.
You answer Ussss. To your boss.
You are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.
You tie your bathrobe belt in a perfect knot; then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.
You accept change from the cashier using a knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
When you're outside doing gardening you practice with all the neat 'weapons'.
You look for new accommodation based on the amount of practice space it provides (who needs a bedroom?).
You find yourself practicing bo techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings.
You notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets.
You find yourself practicing stances while standing in lines. Strangely, most people are standing cautiously far, far away from you.
You don't use any tools while splitting firewood.  

Holiday Travel Woes....

So let's see, why would I want to fly away during the holidays?  Is is because I would see my favorite relatives ? No.  Is it because flying is such a pain in the butt now because of the schedules and lines ? NO.  Is it because I can't wait to pay to take my suitcase with me ? NO.  Is it because the ticket prices are skyrocketing  during the holiday season ? NO.  Is it because I can't wait for my invasive all-body scan ? NO.  Is it because of the additional danger over weather related problems during flying this time of the year ?  NO.  Is it because of my anxiety over the extended body pat-downs ?  It must be, because I can't think of one good reason to fly during the holidays,  or maybe ever again!

PREGNANT TURKEY
One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Susan, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs. 

Think Quietly:
· Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

· Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

· Why is a boxing ring square?

· Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

· Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

· Why is what doctors do called "practice?"

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator,  stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied,

"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A police officer is hiding on the far side of a bridge with his speed gun.
He pulls over a speeding car and asks the driver why he was driving so fast.
The driver apologizes and says he is a doctor and is running late.
The cop asks him what kind of doctor he is.
The driver says he specializes in stretching assholes and mentions that he can stretch assholes up to six feet.
The cop asks why in the world would someone want a six foot asshole.
The driver says, so they can give them a speed gun and put them at the far side of a bridge.

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"  

85 year old Morris goes to the doctor... for a check up.

The next day the doctor sees old Morris walking down the street with this goreous young woman.

Doctor walks up to Morris and says "Morris! what is with this young woman on your arm? She can't even be one third of your age!"

Morris says "I'm just taking your advice doc. You said for sex, get a hot momma and be Cheerfull"

Doctor: "You crazy deaf old fool! I said reguarding sex, You have a heart murmur, be careful!"

This will be a rough week for President Obama.

This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird.

It's been a fowl week. 

Perception...

Have you ever wondered about people's perception of you ?  What do they see ?  Do they see me as a silver-haired, opinionated old coot that has outlasted his usefulness ? What do you want their perception to be ?  The content of most of what they see is mostly under our own control.  A wise man once said to think before you speak, and then don't.  There is much to be gained as a mostly-listener and occasional-speaker.  Actually, listening is a very difficult art (I call it an art, but perhaps it's a virtue) to master.  It is definitely a respect issue (i.e. Do I respect the other person's comment or opinion enough to listen attentively ?).  Having a clear and organized mind can help, but it is almost impossible.  Have I done all that I can do to improve my appearance (haircut, clothing, etc.) ?  How about my attitude (Am I respectful to other people ?  Am I on time to meetings ? Do I harbor prejudices ? ... ).  The bottom line, really, is you get out of their perspective what you put in.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman
of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of
the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he
should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at
the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay
with the others since several of his important clients were
there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by
himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and
led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the
door.

She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did
this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings
and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said,
"remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension
continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you
wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

World Changing ?

Today was very busy.  Everyone wanted something from me, but that was okay, because it made the day go by so fast. 

I see that Pelosi managed to remind all of those Democrats in the house who they owe favors to, and managed to get the Minority Whip position.  More of the same from that area...

GM still believes that the Volt is going to be "world changing".   We all know where their heads still are...  Meanwhile Toyota keep selling their Prius as fast as they can make them- and they are NOT changing the world!

 

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?"

The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Vikings f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?" 

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "Oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."  

ETERNAL TRUTHS

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. 

Linoleum Blownapart (and others)
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.  

The "Mondays" Continue....

There was no blog entry last evening since my home computer decided to have a "thermal event" and shut itself off.  I have yet to solve the mystery, but meanwhile..... 


Last evening, I shut down pretty early, as well.  This cold is getting the best of my energies.



I see the Pelosi is pushing for the House Minority Leader:  I think those that would like to see her have that position (or any position) remain in the minority.  We will all be surprised if she pulls it off...

Under the title: "The End Continues":  The Border's Bookstore downtown has decided to close it's doors after Christmas.  With movie rental stores falling like flies, bookstores can't be far behind.  The world as we know it is really as we knew it.  The "average Joe" has no choice but to become connected.  Soon one won't be able to read a newspaper or magazine unless it is electronic.  It is an amazing and wondrous time that we live in.  

One always wonders what we give up in order to be herded like cattle towards the next technological off-ramp!

"Kmart has announced that it is laying off hundreds of employees.  Smart move. Now the only place those people can afford to shop will be Kmart"
- Johnny Robish

 
"One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world" - Steven Wright

There were these two friends, Bill and Bob, and they both loved baseball. So, they made a promise to each other, the first one to die, will come back and let the other know if there's baseball in heaven.

Well, the day comes and Bob passes. Weeks turn to months while Bill is still waiting to hear from his friend.

Then one day, Bill is walking down the street, and Bob appears. Bill all excited, says: "I've been waiting forever! So tell me, is there or isn't there Baseball in heaven?" Bob kinda perks up and says: " I've got good news and bad news." "1st, there is Baseball in heaven! The bad news is you're pitching Friday!" 

A husband kisses his wife and the wife says "Stop it, what are you doing? Somebody might see us kissing." The maid shouts from the kitchen: "I too, tell him not to kiss, but he doesn't listen." 

No way to start a week....

An UNBELIEVABLE morning today:


I get up as usual: make coffee and let Max out do to his binness.  I came back to the bathroom and planning to shave, I turned on the faucet while I gathered the clothes I was planning to wear this morning.  After five minutes, the water was not getting hot.  I decided to check the tank in the garage to see if it leaked all over the floor or whether it was doing as much as it could.  The tank appeared normal- no leaks and the gas burner was going.  I came back to the bathroom and by then, my wife got up and I explained the predicament, but she decided on a cold-is-better-then-none shower.  Luckily, I had showered last evening.  Meanwhile, I made breakfast, fed the cat and was deciding which plumber I was going to call when It got late enough.  

So if you had been following this blog for a while, you know that my 28 year old son, Everett,  had graduated college and found job-hunting impossible in Oakland, where he was living, so he move back home to search here and in Los Angeles.  He has two part-time jobs, one at KJEE radio station as an engineer, and another at Fresco (a restaurant).  His hours span from 5:00 in the morning to as late as ten at night.  It is not unusual to find him sleeping in the middle of the day and then going out partying in the early evening.  He, as most young people, is a slave to his cell phone and Facebook to plan his evenings.  Last night, he went out to a show at Earl Warren Showgrounds and came home after we went to bed.

So returning to calling the plumber.  My wife called the neighbor, who just recently had work done on his plumbing, for a recommendation.  We got the number, and I called.  Meanwhile,  Everett stumbled into the kitchen and I expected to hear him say what happened to the hot water.  What he said instead turned over the the whole mornings' events:  "Any idea why my shower is on ?".  Apparently, he must have turned the shower on when he was getting ready to go to the show last night OR stumbled out of bed at four o'clock, thinking he was going to the station, but then realizing that he didn't today- went back to bed (after turning on the shower).  The shower had run unattended and drained all of the hot water from our solar panels and tank, so all we got was cold.  He must have been so tired or drunk that he didn't notice that it was on when he came home OR forgot that he turned it on early this morning.  His room and consequently, the adjoining bathroom, is way on the other side of the house and we couldn't hear it.  Our house is only nine years old, so water pressure is not an issue either.  Nobody noticed that it was on until Everett dragged himself out of bed and made his exclamation.


I am now waiting another half an hour to be sure the well drained water heater and solar panels are still working before I call the plumber back to tell him not to come, and probably relay this embarrassing story.

The Zen of Sarcasm:
(1)  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.  Just pretty much leave me alone.

(2)   It's  always darkest before  dawn.  So  if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(3)  Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

(4)  Always remember that you're unique.  Just like everyone else.

(5)  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

(6)  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(7)   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when  you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

(8)   If at first  you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for  you.

(9)   Give a man a  fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit  in a boat and drink beer all day.

(10)   If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

(11)   If you tell  the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

(12)    Some days  you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

(13)   Everyone  seems normal until you get to know them.

(14)   The quickest  way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

(15)   A closed mouth gathers no foot.

(16)   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

(17)   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(18)   Experience  is something you don't get until just after you need it.

(19)   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

(20)   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches." 

Alcohol does not make me do stupid shit. It makes me get caught.