She'sssssssssssssssss Ba-ack....

Tori is home safe and sound and extremely tired.  Her room was a never-ending amount of STUFF.  I took my truck to Oxy and it was filled to the gills.  Somehow she managed to accumulate more STUFF while she was there, and it all had to come home in one load!!

Max missed us all day, but he got his walk before we left and right after we got home.  That dog is SPOILED!

Miranda Rights

A drunk driver is arrested by a female cop and she tells him " you have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replied "Tits"  

Us at the Bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

Sinko de Mayo!

Little Known Fact

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. 

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. 

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

If you believe that, I have a bridge for you to see....

I am looking forward to retrieving Tori from Oxy tomorrow. It will be a new experience, once again, to have her home for the summer.

Never Lose Your Grandson!   A heartwarming story.

When he got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

One evening a family brings their frail elderly mother to the local nursing home in Dublin and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast including All Bran and some toast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems ok, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later on the family arrives to see how yer ol' wan is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except them feckers won't let me fart."

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Max to the Max...

Another installment in my never-ending fascination with the behavior of Max.  Terre put an old pillow under the blanket in his crate and now not only does Max harbor less anxiety to get out, he even goes in himself at bedtime!  This morning I had to literally pry him out of the crate so he would have the opportunity to do his "binness" before I left for work.  I carried him outside and gingerly deposited him on the grass.  Quickly he scrambled back to the pavers of our patio.  A long and relaxing stretch and then he proceeds to enter the garden via the gravel and between the various cactus plants and behind the bushes.  Sniffing about, he sidles up to one spot behind a bush, begins the twisting required to lift his rear leg, and then quickly aborts.  Then he sidles up to the other side.  There are first two aborts, then three, four, and on the fifth attempt, success.  He finally does his "binness" and bounces through the grass bounding to the door to return inside.  Once inside, he graciously addresses his recently filled food dish and grabs a few bites before taking his "position" on the back of the leather chair which provides the most advantageous view down the hallway to the front door.


He used to bark when we came in the front door.  Now he knows it's us, so he just watches alertly.  If a door-bell rings on TV, he gets upset and barks and runs about.  He is very protective.

When I get home from work, he starts squirming and running in circles and jumping up and down.  Either he wants his dinner or he REALLY wants a walk.  From previous observations, we came to the conclusion that he is small enough that he doesn't have room for both dinner and his "binness", so I take him quickly for a walk!

John Howard the chirpy Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for a meeting with the Queen. Over a cup of tea, Howard brings up his grand new plans for his country.

"Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?"

The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Howard and unfortunately you are most certainly not a king."

Not to be dissuaded, Johnny asks, "Would it be possible just to transform Australia into an empire then?"

"No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor."

Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into a principality.

The Queen replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, and you Mr Howard are definitely not a prince."

Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty then adds: "I don't mean to appear rude but having met both you and several other Australians, I think Australia is perfectly suited as a country."

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing
vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea
with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it
is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she
knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right
questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please
answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is
it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs
up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old
friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I
wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and
get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.

Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they
puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come
up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother
has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I
know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

In Church One Day...

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass

Uncle Mustache!

Much as I hate to admit it, Ahmadinejad does have a point.  We are diligently trying to keep other countries from having what we already have.  While I don't want Iran or any other country to have a nuclear capability, we are self appointed as the policing country, AND that probably isn't right.  I would still hate for Iran to get the capability- AND I don't believe that they just want the capability to generate electric power.

Here's a deal- a tax break for growing a mustache ! (Uncle Mustache (Sam)).  

Tips for Moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

New Definitions...

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

A woman is stopped for speeding...

Officer-"Can I see your license and registration"

Woman-"Well, my license is suspended, there is no registration 'cause the car is stolen, in my trunk I have 10 kilos of cocaine, a ton of illegal handguns and a dead body."

Officer goes to his cruiser and calls for back-up.A few minutes later... back-up arrives

Officer #2- "Ma'am please step out of your car and open your trunk.

The woman walks around to the rear of her vehicle and opens the trunk. The trunk is empty and spotless.The assisting officer looks confused.

Woman- "Is there a problem officer?"

Officer #2- "Well ma'am, the first officer reported that your license is suspended, the car was stolen, and that there was drugs, weapons, and a dead body in the trunk."

Woman- " That LIAR!!! I'll bet that he said that I was speeding too!!!

Licking our wounds...back to work tomorrow...

Well I've had enough yard work today.  We bagged another ten trash bags. It's actually quite amazing considering we couldn't see any of the stuff we bagged before I trimmed the vines on the fence.

Last night we watched Young Victoria and It's Complicated.  They were both entertaining, but I think Young Victoria lost something plot-wise.  It's Complicated was dry at times and other times, hilarious!

For the rest of the day, we both tried very hard not to do anything!

A young blond female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW.  
It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the 
office had one.  She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps 
an MG convertible.
  That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible.  It was wonderfully restored and she fell 
in love with it's gorgeous red paint work.  An empty check stub later
and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her 
beautiful new car.  Her long blond hair was flowing in the wind, 
music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
  Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the 
car slowly coasted to a stop.  She got out and lifted the bonnet and 
concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what
was wrong.  Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick 
phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow 
van pull up behind her.
  "That's a lovely car," says the mechanic.  "What seems to be the
matter?"
  Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
  "Let me have look."  He set to work and ten minutes later the engine
was purring like a cat again.
  "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?"
  "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
  Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have 
to do that?"

A pastor was visiting an elderly lady who was a "shut in." Since 
she didn't get very many visitors, she went on incessantly about 
her problems while the pastor nibbled on some peanuts on the coffee 
table in front of him.  After about a half hour, and with his 
endurance almost expended, he politely interrupted, explaining that 
he had other appointments that afternoon and said, "I'm afraid 
I've eaten most of your peanuts while I was listening and I would 
like to leave you a couple of dollars so that you can get some more."
  "No," replied the woman, "With my dentures I can't chew them. It's 
all I can do just to suck the chocolate off them."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just 
talking 'girl' talk.
  Emma:  My word Matilda!  You and Johnny were married for quite some 
time.  How many years was that anyway?
  Matilda:  Oh, we were married for 65 wondrous years.
  Emma:  My-oh-my-oh-my!  But can you tell me in all that time did 
you two ever have mutual orgasm?
  Matilda:  I don't think so.  I believe we had State Farm.

The idiocy continues...and we all pay the price.

Once again I am amazed at the innate stupidity of the bureaucrats.  Apparently BP did not want to spend extra monies to include safeguards at Deepwater to keep leaks like the current one from happening.  The Gubmint idiots (we elected them didn't we) decided that it was unnecessary to require those safeguards.  After all, the oil companies are well aware of what safeguards are necessary.  We will then just go with their best practices and approve the well.  Wellll, we have all seen how well that worked.  Apparently they included some kind of emergency shut-off of the well, but have no idea why it is not working and NO, they never tried it out to see if it really works.  Chalk up another victory to the Gubmint.  The oil company will pay to fix the well, and to clean up the environment, and the fine.  After the dust settles, who do you think will be paying through the nose to the oil companies (I do mean plural) to pay for all of this "extra expense" ?  First it will just be BP (ARCO) that will have higher prices, then the other oil companies will join in- just because they can, since they have us in a corner for energy.  Our only recourse is to become independent of their products.

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest
son Yitzak...

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell
me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her
name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm very, very happy," says the son..

"OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both,"
replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining
sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening.

"Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...

"What is her name?," implores the father.

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, Father."

"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.
"Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah,
marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children
in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.

The very next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and
exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring!"

"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy!  "Praise God! Praise the
Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor
Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"

"No," says Chutzpah.

"Hmmm," says ! Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter
Rachel from Beverly Hills?"

"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...

"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most handsome son?"

"Whoopi."

Inventions By Blondes

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

Wal-Mart customers will soon be able to sample a new discount item–Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 – $5 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, “There is a large market for cheap wine,” said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at R. Williams University in Bristol, R.I. “The right name is definitely important.”
So, here we go…The TOP 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine…
12) Chateau Traileur Parc
11) White Trashfindel
10) Big Red Gulp
9) Grape Expectations
8) Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”
7) NASCARbernet
6) Chef Boyardeaux
5) Peanut Noir
4) Chateau des Moines
3) I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2) World Championship Riesling
And the # 1 suggested name for Wal-Mart Wine…
1) Nasti Spumante

Who are we ?

If you filled in your census form and mailed it in, goo for you- good for all of us.  Our makeup as a country is different than any other in the world.  What we really don't know- or it hasn't sunk in yet, is that we are drastically changing at a very rapid pace.  Reading a very good article (See Article) has caused even more of my reflection on who we are.  The census, while not perfect by any means, will serve to remind us of "who we are".  Why are strange laws like the one in AZ being enacted?  Are people afraid of the loss of majority powers that they maintained for so long ?  The demographic changes that have and are occurring will take this country in a direction that is different that it has ever been.  This place could be a very nice place to live, or the tables could be turned and it could be very uncomfortable for the "white" population.

Religious Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

    
Redneck Computer Terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n down to the local tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
CRASH - Where you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the Revenooers.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM - What ya do when the grass gits too high.
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish afore it breaks the line.
ONLINE - Where to stay while taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the Pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters offa the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the Year.
SCSI - What you call your week - old underwear.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.

Forty Things You Won't Hear A Redneck Say 
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
 9. Checkmate.
 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
 5. I don't have a favorite college team.
 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
 3. You All.
 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Oklahoma is NOT OK!

A friend sent me this link (Humor for Engineers) and thinks that I'm at level 4 in each category.  I responded that I really didn't think I was 'level' at all.  

What were they thinking ? 

What's going on in Oklahoma? They have a new law that states that a doctor does not have to share the health of the unborn baby with the mother.  Why in the world would you even go to a doctor, if he wouldn't tell you that something is wrong ?  (see Oklahoma is NOT OK!)  Why in the world shouldn't a doctor be held liable for information that he did not share regarding your baby's health ? 


I think I lost my sense of humor.  If anyone finds it please contact me.

  

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.  It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

      Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.
I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can.  When someone tries to
defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them
that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End
of debate.

      I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

      1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.  A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians.  Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

      2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for her?

      3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.  The problem
is how do I tell?  I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

      4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.  The problem is my
neighbors.  They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I
smite them?

      5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.  Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

      6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality.  I don't agree.  Can you settle this?  Are there
'degrees' of abomination?

      7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?

      8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27.  How should they die?

      9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

      10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

      I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can
help.

      Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

      Your adoring fan.

          James M. Kauffman,
          Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
          Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
          University of Virginia


           (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)
As expected, Dr. Laura always pontificates on selected issues from the good books, and tends to ignore the items that are "inconvenient"....

The TRUE story of why the chicken crossed the road

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
08:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
09:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
09:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
08:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
09:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
09:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
08:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
09:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
09:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is
the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try
this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to
vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try
to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no
good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however
it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick
minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the
piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they
call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how
to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Midweek already...ready for the weekend!

I see that Chinese Olympian that we all knew was underage just lost her medal as it was proved that she was underage.  Isn't amazing that it took ten years.  She must have applied for a driver's license or marriage license or maybe the Chinese government already knew (of course they did) and finally acted (most likely).


Soon there will be Palm no more, as HP decided that they needed to buy into the phone industry again- so why not buy something that doesn't sell.  It certainly wasn't because it was cheap- at $1.2 Billion.  You'd think it would be cheaper to reverse engineer an iPhone or a Blackberry, rather than hitch a ride on a sinking ship.  What were they thinking.  So far HP phones have always run Windows (LOSERS).  This is leadership ???  Why do they want to be in the phone business anyway ?


Don't I remember that the Cable Company (namely Cox) told us that as soon as we were forced to go digital, that they would have the capability to offer us a smorgasbord of channels rather than multiple tiers ?  I hate the fact that we have to pay for channels that we don't watch, never will and just plain dislike.  It may turn out to be more money, or not, but I'd like to pick just those stations that we watch.  After all, it probably would only take a phone call to add a station, so why carry it all the time.

"Taking up a new sport, I have always subscribed to the rule,
Whatever you lack in skill, make up for in silly accessories.
"How's your tennis game?" "Not great. But I have a hat with a
tiny solar powered fan that keeps me cool, and a racket the size
of an outdoor grill."
 - Paul Reiser

A little boy

was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

From Larry The Cable Guy

“Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius”.

Why?Ask yourself this…

Why is an inmate on death row treated if he is dying from a fatal disease?

Why are lethal injections given with sterilized needles?

Why do they put hoardings on a highway when you are supposed to concentrate on the road ahead?

Why do they construct speed breakers to an already bumpy road?

When you search for something, why is it always in the last place you look?

Why can't women close their mouth while putting on mascara?

Why is it when traffic is the slowest, it is called rush hour?

Why do you have to stop at a drive through?

Who does the quality check of the taste of a newly developed dog food?

Which arm rest belongs to you at a movie theater?

Comicless Entry.... [REPAIRED}

Well it appears as thought the new AZ law on immigration is having the effects that it wanted.  Mexico has declared a travel ban for visiting AZ unless it is an emergency- and carry papers at all time.  The Feds are looking at the law to see if it is constitutional or not.  All the states are aware of it and are wondering if AZ is doing what the Feds should be.  I'd say that even if it is repealed, it has served its purpose.


Sittin' here looking out the window waiting for the rain to begin.  It is lightly drizzling and cold enough to be uncomfortable.

Thought we were planning to go to Disneyland for a visit, but I found out it is $87 to get in as a park hopper.  It is $62 just to get in to one!  I was shocked and blown away by that ridiculous price.

Sorry there won't be any comics today.  Something changed on Blogspot and for some reason I can't put them in.  Hopefully it will be fixed soon.....  [Enough people complained, that it was changed to "working again".
 

Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,'

she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself'

And that's when the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend...  I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said,

'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....

---------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf.  Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 "I'm so tired of exercising. I think five thousand sit-ups should
be pretty much permanent. You should be at home, you're on your
last and final jumping jack, and you get that phone call,
"Congratulations! You have completed the exercise portion of your
life. Welcome to the incessant eating section."
 - Jann Karam

May Gray....

So what is going on with this winder weather in May ?  It is not May Gray or early June Gloom;  it is just plain cold.  And what is with the rain every week ?  What happened to Spring ?  We have lot's of flowers in bloom and fruit coming on the trees, but if it stays cold, they will all die and fall off.

We saw Crazy Heart and Pirate Radio over the weekend.  I liked Crazy Heart and thought that Jeff Bridges was perfectly cast for the part.  We could see why he won Best Actor.  Pirate Radio, on the other hand, while filled with great music, lack plot depth and a complete story.  It is a shame, really.

Dog Pet Peeves
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)

 5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.

 7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Foggy SUN Foggy DAY

After yesterday's foray into front yard maintenance, I was ready to take today off.  Terre had a different idea: to work in the back yard.  After cutting back a large vine on the fence behind the fruit trees, we raked and bagged umpteen (really nine) large trash bags and two trash cans full.  I guess that corner of the yard really did need some love.  Now the fruit trees have less competition for sun and the corner looks fresh and clean.  We are both aching and I have splinters in my hands.  Will the fun never cease...

It was a bit strange today (at least for this time of the year), foggy at both ends with sunny in the middle!

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine,
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had.

Johnny replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid
in the world. It's called 'turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the
world, is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

Johnny replied, 'You take some of this turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. 

George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No.'
Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be
along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
(True Story)
 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3 She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A**" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

Beast on the block...

Well the Beast is going on the net for sale, as soon as I get my act together and create an ad.  For anyone that is interested, check out the pics ( Click! ).  I spent most of the day (and most of my energy) working in the yard.  We have moved, rearranged and re-planted almost everything in the front yard and part of the back.  I have to admit that it looks very nice and by the end of the summer, it will look great.

Comparative Religions:
Taoism                    Shit happens

Confucianism         Confucius say, 'Shit happens'

Buddhism               Shit happening is an illusion

Islam                       Shit happening is the will of Allah

Zen                          What is the sound of shit happening

Hinduism                 This shit happened before

Protestant               Let shit happen to someone else

Catholicism             Shit happens because you don't work hard enough

Judaism                  Why does this shit always happen to us?

Christian Science  If shit happens, pray and it will go away

Atheism                  Shit happens for no reason

Agnostic                 Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't

Hare Krishna          Shit happens, shit happens, shit-shit happens

Stoicism                  So shit happens. I can take it

Scientology            Feces occurs

Rastafarianism      Let's smoke this shit and see what happens

Jehovah Witness  Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

You Might Be A Redneck
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.