Last hours of the 58th year which is the new 39th...

Had much fun today as I was surprised first with a wonderful tour of Lotusland (Click Here!) and their newly acquired cacti forest, then lunch at Osteria Monte Grappa in Ojai (OMG!) and a visit to my favorite source for new cacti and succulent for our yard.  Then after a short rest, we went to see Ev in the play he has been doing (Verve of Verge).  It has been a long day.  On the way home, I was told I have to get up early tomorrow as well (I don't know why yet).  


Aren't birthdays fun?  Mine is tomorrow!

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

 
A.A.A.D.D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. 

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Gettin' Older as We Speak...

I'm having mixed feelings about getting older.  Birthdays should come every ten years. Maybe I can turn the clock back.  At this rate, nobody will notice me until I'm dead!  It seems as though my kids are too busy for me except when they need something.  All I ever do anymore is work, whether at my job or at home.  There doesn't seem to be time for hobbies or money to do things or go anywhere.  If this is what I have to look forward to for retirement, I'll keep working. 

Gettin' Older

• I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
  
• When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
  
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
  
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  
• All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  
• If all is not lost, where is it?
  
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  
• The first rule of holes:  If you are in one, stop digging.
  
• I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  
• It was all so different before everything changed.
  
• Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  
• I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...
  
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
  
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
  
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
  
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  
• It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

 Old Age Quiz

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that curse of getting older - wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: No, seriously. How can I get rid of these crow's feet and all the wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It usually pulls them out.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.

Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.

Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.

Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.

Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.

Perks Of Being Over The Hill

• There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
  
• Things that you buy now won't wear out.
  
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  
• You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
  
• Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
  
• You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
  
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.
  
• You can sing along with elevator music.
  
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
  
• Your eyes won't get too much worse.
  
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  
• People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "
  
• You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  
• You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
  
• In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
  
• No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
  
• You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

You Know You're Getting Old When

A young teenager, listening to some music his mother was playing asked who the band was. "The Beatles," she told him.
"Oh. Who's in the group?"
When his mother told him, he said with surprise, "I didn't know Paul McCartney had a group before Wings!"

Sliding into Friday...and ready!

 Today I am very proud to say that I accomplished a tremendous amount.  It felt really good.


I saw that Apple announced that they will be releasing a multi-tasking OS for the iPhone at summer.  I'm not so sure that I understand why that make such a difference, especially since they will be Verizon's CDMA system soon- where it won't matter.  I guess they have to compete advertising with Android...


I have always regarded Friday as a catch-up day, but lately all the days seem the same.

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were
you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I
don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is
no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

*The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage*

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked
Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a
few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay
married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I
took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to
all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for
your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."

The Husband Store



A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Hump(day)ing Along...

Nasty day today.  I was in a meeting until after six.  I don't think they pay us enough for the aggravation presented today.

In spite of that was a beautiful warm day and every chance I got outside for a few minutes, it was heavenly!

Better than work, work, work....

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for
the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that
the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A
very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter,
keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a
sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young
lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more
than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and
she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every
night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my
boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only
take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to
take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights
'em."

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the
Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on January 26.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding
strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen
monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 150 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

One hundred forty-three said yes
Six were undecided
Only one knew that the chemical was...

Water!

The title of his prize winning project was,

"How Gullible Are We?"

He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the
alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment.

The conclusion is obvious.

Two bowling teams, one of all Blonds and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blond team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blonds upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blonds frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blonds looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Where is this year going ?

Hard to believe that it is into April already. Is the year going by really fast, or is it just me ?

Another earthquake!  What is this world coming to (literally) ?

I read another review of the iPad, and the conclusions were the same as mine- most importantly, he couldn't figure out what to do with it either.  But even more important, he couldn't wait to get one.  Isn't it amazing that Apple doesn't make what we want, but we want what they tell us we need?


Well, bonds are going to hell and I just changed my 401k to exclude them.  I hope it makes a difference.  Some people even say that the gold bubble is almost ready to blow.  That will be an interesting one, especially to see what it affects.

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... what have you done with the ship?"

 

How The Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.  

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole."  

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, etc.
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service.
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their backs? F. A. T. A. S. S. - - - - - - - I feel safer already.

iPad Madness...

Met my new manager today.  This might work out.  She claims that she doesn't want to change anything here, just go with the flow.  We'll see!

Meanwhile, can you believe all these Apple lemmings?  I haven't figured out whether they just have to have the latest Apple gear or they really have a use for the iPad.  Based on my own principles of bleeding-edge technologies: 1) Let them work out all the bugs first. , 2) Pay less in a few months for the same but better technology. , & 3) Have a good use for what they are selling.

The only task that I can think about so far is to use it to read newspapers and books.  Perhaps I'm just too old fashioned, but I really want some device that is lighter and with a larger display.  Also, I'd really like a convenient way to put "other" documents on it- other than what I buy from iBook or iTunes or iWhatever.  The simplest feature that Apple could have provided was a USB port, which they didn't, so currently if you can find a program that will run on it to read your document, you would have to email it to yourself and then save it from the email.  Perhaps King Jobs has some other predilection, but he is not making that very clear at this point.  I am NOT going to rush out to buy a toy for that price unless I can come up with a plan.

Check out the recent travels of peeps:  Peeps around the world...
And more: World of Peeps
An ultimately: Peeps Definitively

CD Player

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."

"Exactly."

 Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgg!

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs and out the back door.

After a little while, the blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blond answers, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, now let's just see how THEY like it."

FUI [Flying Under the Influence] ??

I'm a bit sad this morning.  We have to take Tori back to school and we really didn't get to spend any time together.  Next week is my birthday and she'll be away at school...

The headlines say that it is okay now for a commercial pilot to fly while taking anti-depressants. This doesn't make sense to me.  It is like saying that we can drive a car while on some drugs.  There are hundreds of people risking their lives riding on a jet and we don't have the right to know that our pilot is on drugs.  Worse than that, he might be in severe depression and not be allowed to take drugs.  So we get on a flight and our pilot is suicidal.  Who is responsible now ?  The co-pilot might be in the same boat (plane).  Hell, they might want to kill each other and we'd be left with nobody at the helm.  I guess what I'm saying is that the pilot should be in good shape mentally and physically, or not be entrusted with hundreds of lives!

A TRANSLATION OF YANKEE DOGS TO SOUTHERN DAWGS

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Mean As A Rattlesnake Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawgs.

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Weenie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What In the World Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had.

REDNECK PROFESSIONAL ENGINEERING EXAM

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 lb. possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A) 66 Ford Fairlane
B) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C) 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2 ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
* You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
* Your neighbors think you're a detective because a Deputy always brings you home.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
* You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 80mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
* Breakfast consists of boiled eggs, can of Beenie Weenies, a couple saltine crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.
* There are 13 dogs under the front porch and you have papers for one.
* A museum curator tries to buy 7 of the vehicles on blocks in your yard.
* Your Momma knows how to make Roadkill stew.
* Your truck has more colors than Jeff Gordons race car!
* You have ever been shot at by the law.
* You have ever been to drunk to walk, and drove home.
* Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
* You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
* You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
* You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
* You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
* You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
* You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
* You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
* You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
* Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
* The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
* You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
* You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
* You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
* Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
* You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
* You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
* You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
* You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
* The strongest smell in your house is butane.
* Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
* You think paprika is a Third World country.
* You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
* You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
* None of your shirts cover your stomach.
* You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
* Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
*Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
* Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."
* You judge a trips' drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
* Your home has more miles on it than your car.
* You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
* You think the stock market has a fence around it.
* Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
* You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
* You own a homemade fur coat.
* Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
* You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
* Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
* Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
* You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
* You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
* Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
* You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
* You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
* You clean your fingernails with a stick.
* Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
* You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
* Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
* You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
* There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
* You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
* The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
* You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
* You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
* You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
* You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
* The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
* The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
* You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
* You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
* You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
* You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
* You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
* You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
* You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
* Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
* You own a denim leisure suit.
* Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
* The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
* You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
* You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
* You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
* Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
* You cut your toenails in front of company.
* You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
* You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
* You call your boss "dude."
* You have grease under your toenails.
* You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
* You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
* The primary color of your car is "bondo."
* You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
* The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
* The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
* Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
* You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
* You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
* The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
* You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
* You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
* You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
* You've been too drunk to fish.
* You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
* You ever used a weedeater indoors.
* You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
* You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right."
* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
* Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
* Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
* You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
* Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
* You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
* You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
* You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
* You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
* Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before I flush it!"
* You mow your lawn and find a car.
* If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
* You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
* You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
* You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
* You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
* You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
* The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
* When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
* You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
* Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
* Your huntin' dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
* Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
* You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
* It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
* You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
* Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
* The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
* When you see a sign that says, "Say No To Crack!" it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
* Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
* The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
* You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
* You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
* You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
* Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
* You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
* In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
* You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Play Ball..."
* Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
* You can belch and say your name at the same time.
* You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
* You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
* You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
* You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
* Your bike has a gun rack on it.
* The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
* Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
* You ever had sex in a satellite dish.
* You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
* You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
* Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
* After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
* You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
* Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!"
* Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
* You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome."
* Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it.
* You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
* The family business needs a lookout.
* You've painted a car with house paint.
* You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
* Your mama can back down a biker.
* You ever named a child after a dog.
* Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
* Your sister's education goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.
* You walk your dog and you both use the same tree down on the corner.
* A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
* A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee's.
* All of your four letter words are two syllables.
* Birds are attracted to your beard.
* Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
* Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
* Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
* Your idea of foreplay is, "Get in the truck, bitch!"
* Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
* People hear your car a long time before they see it.
* The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
* Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
* You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
* Your mom french kisses better than your sister.
* On Sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard sale and you're not.
* When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
* Your mother has gotten into a fist fight at a high school sports event.
* Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
* You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
* You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
* The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
* Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
* Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
* You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
* You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
* Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.
* You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
* You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
* You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
* You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
* Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6."
* You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
* The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.

A hard week ends...

Hard to get started today.  I guess I'm burned out from the week's anguish...  Went for a walk with Terre and Max, but Terre had an allergic reaction and broke out in hives.  We are back home now and she is recovering.


Tori and Aidan went for a bike ride (must be a holiday)!  Stay tuned for results (and blisters/sunburn) .


We are scheduled to go to a birthday party later.  We shall see what happens.

How quickly the people of Santa Ynez Valley forget about all the good fortune that the Chumash bring them.  A big deal was made that Fess Parker's estate sold them a parcel of land.  Nobody knows what they intend to do with it, and certainly if they wanted to make another casino, they would have to go through the Federal process of annexation to the Reservation.  What would REALLY be cool, is if they WOULD build another casino, and turn the current one over to the valley as a convention and event center.  I wouldn't put the Chumash beyond that generosity, as it would benefit both camps.

Those of you fueling the iPad frenzy are doing your damnedest to empower the market and eventually cause Apple to lower their prices and offer more capabilities for less.  Thank you!

I am beginning to be discouraged by the lack of comments that I get on this blog considering I know that at least ten people follow it.  Since I have a birthday this month, I will probably continue through the end of the month without encouragement- but I certainly would like to hear something!

 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
Pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing And further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard...

"No doctor but the song you were whistling was...
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

 

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven , they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is the holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, "Blondes," and banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Wrong," and he banished her to Hell.
St. Peter looked at the third blonde and said, "OK ... tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter was impressed. "Verrrrry good," he said.
The blonde continued, "Now every year, they roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.

Scam targeting older men

Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Dollar General and the Dollar Store and bought them out.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's and Home Depot.