Tuesday From Hell....

This was the day from hell.  I had meeting after meeting and people waiting for me in between, and messages galore.  I think I'm getting sick of work!  W-o-r-k is a four letter word.  I liked it much better when it was f-u-n, that is only three letters....We keep joking about looking for other jobs.  I wonder if we are employable at a better rate somewhere else ?

The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a group who was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the incomplete structure, he asked, "Where did you get the plans for this ship?"
He was told, "We have our own staff of engineers."
He disdainfully replied: "Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952."

Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann's plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up. They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: "We followed your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?"
Von Neumann replied, "Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem - I treated that in my paper of 1954."

Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
   
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
   
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
   
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
   
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
   
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
   
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
   
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
   
9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
   
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

Engineering Revisited Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
If you can't fix it -- document it.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

Legislation R Us!

So it appears that the health bill is more important to the Democrats than the jobs bill.  If you don't have a job, and the new law forces you to get health insurance; who pays for it ?  Well, the answer is that everybody pays for it in taxes that provide unemployment payments and welfare...  Isn't that what we have now when someone goes to the hospital without insurance?

I guess I really don't understand what the benefits of this bill are.  Also, I REALLY don't understand how this affect the employed and insured- namely me...

This is way too heavy of a discussion for this time of the evening.  How about some funnies instead...

"The suit is the universal business outfit for men. I don't know why it projects this image of power. 'We'd better do what this guy says, his pants match his jacket'"

 - Jerry Seinfeld

Two Australian blokes were walking home from work one afternoon.

"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna

rip the wife's knickers off!"

"What's the rush?" his mate asked.

"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me"

You know you're a redneck when...
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say shit? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!  

Idiot Sightings!

Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!"

Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side..." 

THINGS A JEWISH MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY!
"Just live with him.. you don't have to marry him.. I don't need
any grandchildren"

"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"

"How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket -- it's quite warm out."

"Let me smell that shirt -- yeah, it's good for another week."

"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."

"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery."

"Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it, too?"

"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"

"Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know."

"I don't have a tissue with me -- just use your sleeve."

"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big
deal about having to cross a few main streets?"

"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind
skipping dinner, do you?"

"I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a
check to renew."

"If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family
it's fine with me."

"Mother's day, Shmother's Day you just go to the beach and enjoy
yourselves."

"You don't have to call me every week I know how busy you are."

"You are so lucky to have your in-laws"

"Your wife knows best - forget about the advice I gave you"

Toilful Sunday...

Mostly worked in the yard today, after I got back from an hour at the office...  That is really unfortunate part of springtime.  Everything in the yard needs attention, so you don't get to enjoy the weather or the flowers... or whatever else.  Soon (manana), I'll be back at work and feel that I've missed the weekend...  Right now I'm a bit too tired to do anything more...but some funny business would be more to my liking.

I finally got the Vette completely put back together and started.  I haven't got it on the road yet, but soon....and I washed my truck.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." 

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse". 

Interesting & Amazing Information On Chihuahua 

• Chihuahua is the smallest breed of dog in the world.
• As per American Kennel Club, Chihuahua is the 10^th most popular breed in the United States.
• Aztec and Toltec tribes of Mexico considered the Chihuahua to be a sacred animal.
• Chihuahuas are prone to jawbone disorders, eye problems, heart disease and tooth and gum complaints.
• Chihuahuas have a short nose and this is the reason why they tend to wheeze and snore.
• Chihuahuas make up the oldest dog breed on the American continent. They were brought to Europe at the end of the nineteenth century only.
• Chihuahuas prefer the company of other Chihuahuas to other dog breeds.
• In comparison to the size of its body, a Chihuahua has the largest brains amongst all the breeds of dogs.
• In Mexico and United States, humans have been found to be buried along with the remains of Chihuahuas.
• Most of the Chihuahuas are born with floppy ears. However, they stand up as the dog gets older.
• The dog Chihuahua is named after the Mexican state of Chihuahua.
• The eyes of a Chihuahua are susceptible to corneal dryness and secondary glaucoma.
• The first Chihuahua was registered by the American Kennel Club (AKC) in 1904.
• The largest litter a female Chihuahua has ever given birth to comprised of 10 puppies.
• Though Chihuahua is the world's smallest breed of dog, it is a Yorkshire Terrier who holds the record for being the smallest living dog.

SPROING! It is finally here.....

Well today was interesting.  I went in to work to check on some test equipment in Texas and it appeared to be working okay.  Then I started a test in the basement.  In all, I was there for about an hour.  When I got home, Terre was up and ready to go to work.  Time for Spring Cleaning and we're starting in the garage!

After filling all our recycling bins and trash cans, the garage was empty enough to move Ev's stuff from storage ($116 per month) into the garage.  That was just too much fun, along with a trip to the library to donate old magazines [they loved 'em] and two trips to Alpha Thrift to rid ourselves with some over-sized and unneeded bits-o-tid.   Everything fits reasonably well, except his mattress and box spring.  That's all that's left in the storage locker, for now.


So, somehow I thought that I would get to the resurrection of the Vette, since I spent about three hours last weekend changing the battery, but not yet.  I am beat.  Maybe manana.


While we were working in the garage, Max was tethered out front so he could see us and protect us from the neighbors!  He liked that.  I had to take him for a walk around the block before he would settle down.  The truth that I spelled out yesterday is definitely true.  When it is time to eat, Max has to make room first!!!  He is a small dog with a big heart!

.
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The Washington Post recently had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days. 

" Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.

Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd
use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.

And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks.
We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.

Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 60-year-old guys. .

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.

Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.

In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did

NEW DOG BREEDS!

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....

Once there was a British admiral who always wore a red coat when they were in a battle. One day one of his men asked why he always put on the red coat when they were in battle. The admiral replied, "That's so if I am wounded then neither the enemy or my crew will realize I've been hurt". And using this principle, to this day, French officers have always worn brown pants!

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the
humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans
paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the
kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of
day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that
she was in dire need of a restroom.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief
waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for
female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've
ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a
temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.

So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her
husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that
since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off
in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white
would provide more than adequate camouflage.

So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to
do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then
you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so
you don't move.

Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep
slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of
control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them
and onto another slope.

Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants
down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the
while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control,
creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied,
if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally
collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull
up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie
show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski
patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an
obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding
up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There
was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the
mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her
pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look,
and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the
lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"

Odie ?

Our new pup (Max is a three year old rescue [we're not sure whom rescued whom]) is sure funny.  He comes into the kitchen and walks in circles when it is time for him to be fed.  When we put on a jacket, or put on "tennies", or mention "walk" or pick up his harness and leash and he begins to whine and jump up and down.  He REALLY likes to walk.  When we do take him for a walk, he likes to pee on almost every bush we pass.  Soon we think he is peeing plasma,  because he couldn't hold that much pee.  Lately, when he needs to do his "binness", he first walks funny [like Charlie Chaplin], and then hangs his behind in a bush while he goes!  He makes it purt-near impossible to pick up after.  We joked and figured that he is so small that he probably doesn't have room for dinner and poop simultaneously, so which ever comes first, the other is soon after.


All kidding aside, he a lovable and well behaved pup.  It is certainly unfortunate that he doesn't know that he is a small dog and postures himself Napoleon-like to every dog or cat we encounter.  It isn't until the other animal presents himself in a sub-posture and all the sniffing has completed that Max calms down.


It is certainly an adventure for us while he is walking us....

Deep Thoughts Contest
From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" (Saturday Night Live)

THIRD RUNNER UP

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only
source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake
gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes
there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone
died.
--

SECOND RUNNER UP

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."
Unless it was just a lawn mower.
--

FIRST RUNNER UP

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to
myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly,
I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the
national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the
constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the
country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a
copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found
many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp
with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started.

 

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.. She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied. . .

'You just happened to catch my eye...'

Coonskin Capper RIP!

A bit sad today as I reminisce my early childhood and early teenage.  I remember fondly the Disney shows on TV and watching Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett.  Later on when I worked at Uncle John's Pancake House, I would serve Fess Parker and his family every Sunday.  Now that he's passed on, I realize that he had a pretty good life as a Disney star and later as a real-estate developer.  He was always nice and friendly to me whenever I saw him.  Eighty-five years is a long time to live.



Doctor terminology
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Reply

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughter
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

St. Patrick Googles Too !

While we sit by and watch our local employment base decimate, Google, KS [AKA Topeka], Ventura and now San Luis Obispo are actively courting Google [ see SLO Courts Google] and the jobs they bring with them.  How many more hungry locations are vying for Google's attentions that we don't know about ?  What would be our chances if we tossed our hat into the ring [fray] ?  Certainly, by now, it may be too late.  The complacency that we frequently enjoy here in the Santa Barbara/Goleta area will not last for long as the demographics change dramatically and drastically.  We will be the saber-toothed tigers stuck in the tar pit with no alternatives because we were not gravely aware of the dangers lurking in our near future.  Please excuse me for pointing out that the sky is falling, but it didn't just start.  The Ostrich-farm that we call local government only appear to be attempting to deal with shortfalls in tax dollars rather than planning how to increase the contents of the coffers by attracting new businesses and keeping what we have. 

Interesting Questions
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Perspective on life according to George Costanza:
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at
the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?!?

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first,
get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You
get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!!  Amen."

Downhill beyond the Ides....

I have heard from more than handful of you that have been reading my blog.  Apparently you people like what you read, but I don't understand why you don't post your comments at the bottom of each entry.  Please do, so I can enjoy reading them.
- - - - - - - - - -

Thank goodness we are now passed the Ides of March.  Yesterday was not good, as all hell broke loose in Texas over the weekend.  We are trying to put the pieces back together today still.

Meanwhile, I see in the Times that Verizon FIOS is assaulting the market- heavily.  The bad publicity of Times-Warner raising their prices again will certainly cause consumers to jump to the other service.  I wish there was some competition here....

I just heard that ATK is laying off another twenty former Mission Research people.  Too bad, they were a good crew.  Good luck to 'em.

Meanwhile the city of Santa Barbara sits back and contemplates what they can do to attract tourists, the only industry left around here.  Remember those Australian tourists that were turned away from every motel they stopped at in ole SB because they only wanted a one night stay, and they all had minimum two or more nights.  What will the motels do when the tourists stop coming here because it is not a nice place to visit anymore ?  We, unfortunately, are about to face a serious downturn in quality-of-life here because the "spending" public will be moving away to where there are jobs.  Can anyone remember the last new houses or businesses that were built in SB ??  How about the last company that moved here and brought their employees with them ?

 
Father Joseph went up to Father Patrick one afternoon and said,
"I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go
out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Patrick was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and
everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see
our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town,
we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress
just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Patrick, and they went out
that night and partied like professionals.
When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Patrick's face became pale.
"I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess
this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you I thought this all out
in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the
confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and
you absolve me. Then I'll go put on my garments, you come in and
confess, and I'll absolve you."
Patrick was amazed at Joe's brilliance.
So Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive
me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and
last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal
knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to
wicked music."
Patrick answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I
be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be
absolved of your sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Patrick came in and
confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and
Joseph answered,
"I don't believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest?
You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your
money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your
knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll
discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"What? " Father Patrick was shocked. "What about our agreement?"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I
take my job seriously."

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and
make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she
decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied,
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of
them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.

Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go
into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily,
and Saturday night went to town.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand, finally two thirty, in came the hired hand. The
rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called
him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my boots."

He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said,

"Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!!"

I THINK SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

Returned Tori to school yesterday.  I haven't figured out why we can get there in an hour and a half, and it seems as though it is a three hour return trip!  Maybe Max whining was the reason.  It was like having a baby-on-board!


Today was horrendously busy at work, and I wanted to get a lot more done, but it didn't happen.

What about that Prius that doesn't test out as defective.  I can't figure out why the driver would fake the whole incident.  Especially since he called 911 and was corralled by a CHP. What would he gain ?  If they prove him a liar, he could be charged with "exhibition of speed" or "(W)Reckless endangerment" or "(W)Reckless driving".  None of them sound good.  I hope the evaluators of his car were independent and not employees of Toyota!

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
 - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
 - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
 - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
 - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
 - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?"
 - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
 - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?"
 - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head
 - JFK, 1963

And, the Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...

"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
 - Bill Clinton, 1997

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

With longer days (minus the Chili earthquake adjustment) and Many Flowers: Spring

If you are interested in Google coming to our area, here is the link to the story: Google Story  and to show interest: Option in.

Beautiful day today, but I spent most of it on the L.A. freeway!  I wish we had gotten to spend more quality time together. Tori has only been gone hours and the house seems empty.



One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter
asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and
in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very
slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.

"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.

"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.

"I hope to find my son" said the man

"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will
you find him?"

"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,"
states the old man.

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says,

"Father???"


The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

In Order Of Stupidity...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

Has Spring Sprung ?

Today, I had the privilege of visiting many markets to do shopping for guests tonight, AND for Tori to return back to school tomorrow.  I also removed the battery from my Vette and ventured forth to purchase a replacement.  Because of the clamp frame that the Vette has, the battery has to be the same size.  I bought one that was exactly the same size, but (not until I got home) had a ledge on the outside that a handle was attached too.  I had to cut it away to fit in the frame.  Why aren't there standards for things like batteries ?


About a year after we moved into this house, I went around and replaced all the nine-volt batteries in the smoke alarms.  Of course, I bought the best brand (because Costco sells them in bulk).  One of the smoke alarms shorted out and continued to beep.  The units are powered from house wiring as well as battery backup.  At any rate, the inside of the unit was fried.  Apparently, the "copper-top" brand is a smidge shorted than standard, allowing it to be inserted backwards.  When I contacted the smoke alarm manufacturer to get a replacement, they particularly mentions NOT to use the "copper-top" brand for that reason.  So here is an example of an item that has a de-facto standard size, and the largest manufacturer decides to change that standard.  It sure seems that all nine-volt batteries should be the same, but they are not.


.
.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Competition: The lifeblood of free enterprise!

Why is it that we don't allow any competition for Cox Cable ?  It seems that each time it comes up, its charter is renewed as sole source.  Cox is (again) raising its prices without (apparent) benefit to its subscribers.  One would think that digital operations should allow prices to decline.  Also, because of its tiered subscriptions, the users are subsidizing channels that they don't watch or wish to subscribe to.  When is Cox going to allow a true smorgasbord of select-what-you-want and pay accordingly ?  They have been promising that to us for years- and they did say "It will be easier, once we are digital!".  IMHO, we are getting the runaround while their pockets are overflowing.  We need competition on the south coast!

Remember when a one time charge of $100 for a ten-foot antenna on your roof would get you thirteen stations for free ?  Now we all pay about that much each month to get 100+ stations, even though we only watch about thirteen!

 

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' 

True Story...

P was going up to my hotel room in Vegas last week, not really paying attention, and as the elevator door started to close I ran to it as fast as I could, sticking my arm through to get it to open back up.

My arm went right in the door and I hit an old lady right in the breasts!!

I didn't know what to say, so I got flustered and said:
"Ma'am, I sincerely apologize to you. And I know that if your heart is as soft as your lovely bosom, you will be able to forgive me."

She looked me up and down and said:
"Sonny, if the rest of you is as stiff as your arm... I'm in room 602!"