Rainbows Enough For Everyone...

The week began with the "doom and gloom" hanging over my head since my team at work was cut by a third.  As good as retirement is for the retiree, it is not so good for those that are left.  We struggle most of the week, but today had several breakthroughs which gave me new hope for ever being successful on this project.

The day started out with several rainbows and progressed until many small successes made a great day...

While the weekend is supposed to be rainy and cold, I'm going to try my best to keep- my attitude light and my mood high (and be glad I'm not in that storm on the east coast)...

BTW, can you really believe that we still don't have any legislating going on on gun control ?  I guess it is par for the course and nobody should be surprised when Obama reaches his limit and enacts something via Executive Order.  [We should have thrown all the bums out of Congress.  They are only interested in how much pork they can get and paying back whomever paid for their reelection.]

Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Woops...
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath- room changing out of her hospital gown."

Inheritance
A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"

Honest Lawyer
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

A Gun is a Gun

So much going on in the national arena.  Let me just comment on the gun control issue: Why is it that we feel that restricting gun ownership to exclude assault rifles is unconstitutional, buy grenade launchers, tanks, missiles, etc. are okay to remain illegal?  We feel that the Constitution provides us the right to bear arms, but doesn't delineate which ones are acceptable.  Who are we to decide what should be acceptable or not.  If there is only one type of gun that is not illegal to own, doesn't that suffice to fulfill our right?

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" - Steven Wright

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." -Will Rogers

Dress Code
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company."

Doubling Up

We've all had the experience of our responsibilities at work expanding many-fold due to people leaving for other jobs or retirement.  This week, I have "that" realization becoming speedily a reality.  Retiring is a great experience for the retiree- for a short euphoric period of time- until that person finds the "new reality" of responsibilities.  It appears, from others' experiences, that on must hit retirement with feet on the ground and running.  Not having a reason to get up in the morning is a bad thing.  We are so used to being busy and having tasks that we cannot cope with "cold turkey".  On the other hand, those that are so called, "left behind" at the workplace, soon get used to the big hole that that retiree has left. 
After many years of working on many projects with the same individual, it is a difficult adjustment- like the family being split up.
I am going through that adjustment now, as a colleague and friend of twelve years is about to pull the plug...

Life's Observations
1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Bringing It Back...

Well it has been a few weeks, so far, with my new "smart" phone.  I'm having fun checking out many new apps.  The technology is great.  SO far there have not been any security lapses, but when I begin getting SPAM, directed ads and junk mail, I will know that my contact information has been sold.

I recently saw a story on TV about manufacturing robots.  This company makes one that is trainable, for only twenty-two thousand dollars! We can definitely bring manufacturing back to the US using technology like robots.  Unfortunately, the workers here that might have done that job will have to be retrained.  This should make manufacturing in the US competitive with Asia.


“I fear the day when technology will surpass our humanity. The world will then be populated by a generation of idiots.” — Albert Einstein

“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian.” … Henry Ford

Dumbest People Ever?
- A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

- Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the work field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

- A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Anniversary Gift
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "

I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

Politician's Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Printing Yellow

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

 

Emotional Experience

Saturday night we attended a showing of Les Miserables. The movie is billed as a musical, but IMHO it was more of an opera.  There were no spoken words during the two and a half hours.  There were also no slow periods, but an action filled, period correct piece with fantastic make-up, sets, costumes, music, singing, and most importantly, acting.  I haven't seen Daniel Day-Lewis' performance in Lincoln yet, but it will have to be absolutely fantastic to be better than Hugh Jackman's all-out performance.
Surprisingly, I had no idea that Anne Hathaway or Russell Crow could sing, but they each held their own admiringly, and played their respective parts very well.  I REALLY enjoyed the show.  I thought it was going to be a "snorer", but was pleasantly surprised at the strong tugs to my emotions and keen portrayal of the storyline.
Helena Bonham Carter and Sasha Baron Cohen provided the comic relief, and probably presented the sole portion of the movie that was light hearted enough to be considered (IMHO) a musical.
Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne were also way good.  I knew I had seen him somewhere before, and it was as the young assistant producer in My Week with Marilyn.  I thought he was great then and in this movie as well.  I expect to see much more of this guy.
Bottom line: don't miss this movie while it is still showing.  It will change your opinions about musicals and operas.  It is not like any other one I've seen.  The director also should be applauded for his extreme close-ups of the singers, and the fact that they actually sang in-place, no voice-overs.  The cast was well-chosen and they all performed beyond my expectations...

"I think we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious." --Thomas Jefferson, ltr to William Ludlow, 
 
"The bird hunting a locust is unaware of the hawk hunting him." ~Portuguese proverb


"If you're ever feeling low, just take a saunter over to the local bus station, and you'll perk right up. It looks like a Munster family reunion. There are people with teeth like Indian corn, eyes pointing in different  directions, Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets used as luggage. And you know nobody there has ever filled out a long form in their whole lives" - Dobie Maxwell

· Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

· Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

· Why is a boxing ring square?

· Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

· Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

· Why is what doctors do called "practice?"

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

A new year, but SOSDD

Well, I have been back to work for a week now and as tough as it was to go back after three weeks, it appears as though there are parts of it that I DO enjoy.  I DO work with a great bunch of people, some of which I consider an extended family.
One asked me recently about the POTUS exercising his powers to pay the debt off with a trillion dollar coin, and also about an executive ordered gun law.  As for the former, I'm not sure what the repercussions would be on the world market, but I believe it would be akin to the Chinese controlling their currency to remain viable as a manufacturing nation.  This could be bad for our credit rating.  On the other hand, Congress has had their chance to do the right thing.  Since the formerly (G)OP controls the Congress, I would blame whatever measures POTUS feels that he has to take on the non-working members of Congress.
As for the gun law: because of the gun lobbies (particularly the NRA), nothing would ever pass Congress.  If POTUS has to make an executive order to get SOMETHING done to at least attempt to quell the frequent slaughters, so be it.  Lighting a fire under Congress to act may be the first attempt to restrict the lobby influences.  After all, did we ever thing that the unions would lose their business strangling holds?

"If the Mayans have taught us anything, it's that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world."

College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."

21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

Foreign Language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Dodging Rugrats and Ankle-Biters...

Having to tend to some furniture moving in Eagle Rock, where my daughter is renting a house with two other girls while she attend Oxy, my wife wanted to see the Cleopatra exhibit at the California Science Center before it closes today.  So, last Friday we went...
I investigated and bought tickets online, since they charge for this exhibit.  My main attraction here was going to see Shuttle Endeavour, though.  It is there permanently (although housed currently in a temporary building), so I wasn't in much of a hurry.
To make a long sad story shorter(see TripAdvisor Reviews: "Crowd Control Failure"), I won't go into much detail here.  You can read my review if you want to know the details.  Endeavour was AWESOME to be adjacent to.  I had seen it on TV and flying atop the 747 recently over California, but up close AND personal- IT IS HUGE!  I am utterly amazed that it can be landed, never mind while UNPOWERED!  I am anxious to visit again when the permanent display is in place and there will be catwalks around it at many levels, so that we can see inside.
The Cleopatra exhibit was (apparently) fantastic, but the whole Center suffered from negligent crowd control and obvious poor planning. The experience would be so much better had someone given thought to the process, or even asked for help from someone like Disney.  Otherwise, impressive is the operable term for the CONTENT of the the displays, rather than the means for viewing them.

Unfortunately, I am finally starting to get used to being home- AND I have to return to work tomorrow...

"Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you."

Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Philosophy and Mathematics

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information.

So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.

Almost.

Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?"

Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?"

Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it."

Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?"

Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet."

Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?"

Saleswoman: "Yes."

Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?"

Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold."

I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.

Job Search Woes

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

Putting Up With Jocks
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Holiday Interstitial Ramblings

Recently we watched Argo in a last-chance (before it leaves town) theater. Was it authentic? Pretty much. Was the direction good? Pretty much.  Was the acting good? Pretty much.  Is is a contender for best picture, IMHO? Not really.  Is Affleck a contender for Best Actor? Not really.  Is he a contender for Best Director? Pretty much.  Did I enjoy the movie? Yes.  I can say, having lived through the crisis and the eighties (of course), it was nostalgic.  Would I recommend the movie? Yes I would, but only because there is a dearth of well made movies available for us to watch.

It seems, I am easily annoyed.  When I go to a news site, sometime- most of the time- I want to READ the news.  Almost all of the links for a story are to video. That, in it's self, is not necessarily bad, but every video has a commercial lead-in! How annoying!  I will not watch those stupid two minute commercials in order to watch my 30 second news bit!  When I click them to close, they are reluctant for a few clicks and then they finally close.  By then, I don't care or remember what the news-bit was about, and I return to the main page.

Another thing (that immediately comes to mind) is this direct marketing crap.  If I do a search on Google, or look at a product on Amazon, then all of the advertising for the next (at least) twelve hours has to do with that item or subject.  Do I REALLY need to be constantly reminded what I searched for or what product I was reading about.  What if I just bought one?  Do I want to be reminded that I got a bad deal or bought the wrong model?  I wish there was an option to turn that nonsense off.

Why (can anyone answer this) would I need more than a three shot clip on a hunting rifle? Or a target rifle?  When I was into target shooting, we used single shot rifles and pistols, because they are the most accurate.  When you are hunting, if you cannot hit the target in three shots, you should give up- AND give your gun away!  I don't understand why the reluctance to this restriction.  Or is it ANY restriction that is the REAL problem?  Am I so lazy that I need a rifle that I can just keep pulling the trigger until I hit the target?  Or is a bolt-action the way to go, where I have to hit my target with the first shot, and then MANUALLY remove the empty shell and load the next one.  Do we do ANYTHING MANUALLY anymore ?? 

Last night we went to see The Hobbit.  Wow!  This production may be better than the Lord of the Rings, previously.  The photography, special effects, set, makeup- all of the above, were fantastic.  While the storyline moves a bit slow, it is a fantastic experience to be "part" of this world for three hours (and two more movies yet to come in the trilogy).  We chose the 2D version, without the 48FPS effects and I can tell you that there were scenes that had a dizzying effect ANYWAY.  I can hardly imagine what the 3D version would be like.  Highly recommended for all except weak of bladder.

Also, previous to the movie, with portions of my wife's cell phone not working, and my daughter's having problems holding a charge, we bit the bullet for new phones.  We called Verizon to check prices to compare to the AT&T offering, where we are now. We were surprised that the cost would be higher for similar services.  They may be better, but were they worth the difference in prices?  We compared Best Buy, the AT&T store and Costco for phones and decided on three Motorola Atrix HD phones from Costco.  It not only was a comparison of capabilities, but also of sizes.  The larger phones won't fit into your pockets or purses.  Both girls had the choice to get iPhones if they wanted, the 4 for free and the 4s for $49, or the 5 for $149.  While my daughter is an Apple enthusiast, neither of them picked the Apple phones.  I had already decided that I didn't like the Lemmings-treatment of Apple aficionados, so I was nay on the iPhone as well.  

So far, the phones work well, but the plethora of options and their use and what the apps will provide is taxing.  Certainly, there will be more on this experience later- particularly the security aspect.  It is disheartening to look at the very poor offerings of non-smart phones, should you want to remain "personal"- pretty much junky junk and junkier junk...  Our choices have been made for us to assimilate.

Cat and Comma
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Holiday Blues

Having survived Christmas AND Christmas dinner; I am still working on my sugar high from cookies, pies, candy and fudge. The dinner was great, as I tried two new recipes.  I made prim rib that was encrusted with a horseradish and garlic crust- scrumptious, and potatoes au gratin that were made with smokey Gouda and Manchego cheese. This is my first experience with Manchego cheese, which is a Spanish sheeps-milk cheese that is similar to Parmesan, but a bit richer in fat.  The flavors were amazing.  We will be on a diet beginning sharply on January 1.

I keep reading about the fiscal cliff and cannot understand why it exists and why it hasn't been addressed to make it go away.  I assume that it is the result of a "kick-the-can-down-the-road" piece of legislature, that could have been avoided.  Apparently most of the efforts are towards how each of the members of Congress can attach the most pork to anything that passes, rather than a finalized solution to the problem.  When we spend more than we have, we have to do without for a while.  When they spend more than they have, they just print more money- until it reaches the limit- then they increase the limit.  After all, these members of Congress won't be in office forever.  The next group will then "kink-the-can" again...  I still say, we should have thrown the bums out of office...

Normally, I would be looking forward to New Year's, but I'm not so sure this year.

Medical Chart Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

28. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

29. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Places I'd Rather Not Live

- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky

What Would Freud Say About These Places?

- Climax, Michigan
- Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
- Needmore, Arkansas
- Hardup, Utah
- Intercourse, Pennsylvania
- Hornytown, North Carolina
- Conception Junction, Missouri

It Doesn't Surprise Me That There is a...

- Rudeville, New Jersey
- Boring, Oregon
- Hell, Michigan
- Hooker, California
- Virgin, Utah
- Dulls Corner, Maryland
- Bowlegs, Oklahoma
- Volcano, Hawaii
- Beersville, Pennsylvania
- Fleatown, Ohio
- Burnt Corn, Alabama
- Two Guns, Arizona
- Toad Suck, Arkansas 

Traditions

Here we are two days before Christmas, and I think I am done shopping AND finally done wrapping.  Sometimes I think that the wrapping chore is worse than the shopping chore.
Every year I propose that we travel to Hawaii or the Caribbean as a present to the family for the holidays- instead of shopping for multiple presents, buying and decorating and taking down a tree and other decorations, making a Christmas dinner and baking, and therefore eliminating the holiday strife and stresses.  It gets turned down for the traditional celebration.  I guess we are conditioned to expect these chores at the end of the year, in spite of how hard we work ALL year to get to this point.
Now I am getting all my ingredients together for a "bake-a-thon" tomorrow.

At the end of the year, I ask myself what progress we have made this year... There are some questions that we still can't answer.  For example: 
Why do we ship ~$120 billion worth of food to the rest of the world when we still have hungry kids right here?  
Why are we dependent on Foreign oil and export more that most other countries, ready to bypass the Saudi production in five to seven years? 
Why can't we control ourselves?  We eat too much junk and have gotten obese to the point that we need surgery or drugs to lose the weight.
I guess we will have to keep working on these issues, and a few more, like gun control...

Quote of the Day
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.
--Andy Rooney-- 
 

Post Apocalypse (NOT)

Well obviously since you are reading this, the Apocalypse did not occur.  We have much to be thankful, besides it not being the "end of days".  We have our health.  We are employed.  We have warm homes and loving families.  We should all learn to appreciate what we have, while we do...

Since we have been to Chichen Itza (where El Castillo is located), we can attest to the mystique surrounding the area.  The calendar was only a small part of it.  One part that caught my attention were the Mayan baby skull presses.These appeared to me as though they were trying to elongate their skulls similar to aliens (?).

Actually, at this point, we should be more concerned about the fiscal cliff...and what our Congress has become, in spite of the election.  Too bad we didn't throw all the bums out...

Why Grandfathers are different:

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Holiday Enthusiasm...

My holiday enthusiam palled due to the recent events in Connecticut.  It will be difficult to get it jump started again, if at all.

I have been shopping for last minute gifts (that's all anyone is getting from us) and trying hard to ignore the holiday frenzy on the road and in parking lots. The stores have been able to control it(except for Black Friday). Each year I am amazed at how soon Christmas decorations appear in the stores. Unfortunately, each year I also lose patience a bit sooner and can't wait for it to be over. Aren't we supposed to have fun on the holidays and hope that they drag on forever?

It appears as though most people have forgotten about the Mayan Apocalypse coming up. Interviews in the Yucatan show that today's Mayans don't believe the prediction. I'll let you know, on December 22...

 

The Meaning of Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service: 

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

Why Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

The new Men's Thesaurus

 "I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

A Unseasonable Sad Day

And the violence continues, without reason or justification, this time in Connecticut... poor innocent kids, rest in peace.  It is sickening.... My heart aches and I find myself at a loss for words.  How can any god allow the taking of innocent children's lives by a crazy man?

I hope to God that they did not die in vain, and that some sort of a solution to this problem will be found.

Expression Explained
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.

Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.

Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.

Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your "P's and Q's."

Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing," his mother asked?

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

The Christmas List....

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones
 

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus
 

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones
 

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus
 

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone
 

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
 

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy
 

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

 Directory Service
"I'd like the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona"
the Brooklyn boy said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,   "Well, most people here just call me Izzy."

Donkey Raffle

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

What is this world is coming to ?

What is the rage, the malady that drives someone to take up a gun and shoot innocent strangers and then take their own life?  Is it something in the water, some sort of pollutant?  Is it in fast food ?  Is is radio wave pollution from cell phones and cell towers? Is it from eating fish that contains Mercury? Is it from violent TV shows, movies and video games ?  

Have we somehow caused evolution to sidetrack and mutate our behaviors such that we no longer hold to societal influence ?  How many more incidents must we have before we learn what is causing the behavior and how to prevent it?

Don't you ever wish that some people would just GO AWAY ?  I am tired of reading about Lindsay Lohan, or the Kardashians.  I'm glad that George Bush climbed into a hole and shut up- I was tire of him too.  Why is it that people get fascinated or entertained so easily? Are they push-overs or just barely conscious, awaiting their second coming of  sentience?   If you ever listen to Lewis Black and his rants, you actually begin to think that he is making sense.  We are inundated with nonsense aimed at an expected low-intelligence mark, that really doesn't exist (save for the Ozarks and parts of the South).  What we need is an intellectual TV station that caters to people that can tie their own shoes, make a commitment and keep it, that are non-dependent on drugs or fast foods, don't own dead cars on jacks in the front yard, don't have an inordinate amount of buck-toothed and barefoot kids, and don't subsist on hog jowls and roadkill.  For people that wouldn't buy a 64 ounce soda at McDonald's just because it is only $1.  People that would actually read the facts about an election and not just vote for the best lookin' candidate.  

New Commonplace Words
Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

Frust (n.) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Disconfect (v.) To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

Dopelar Effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you explain them rapidly.

Elbonics (n.) The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Great Stategy...

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"