It couldn't be over soon enough...

If you believe in the Mayan calendar, December 21 is the end of all we have now.  I for one will rest more comfortably knowing that I voted for Obama, never touched Windows 8, never gave in to Apple's magnetic retail scheme, never clicked a "Like" button on Facebook, and basically am comfortable in the decisions that I made throughout my life.  If the prophesy is true, then certainly I can do nothing to change the inevitable.  I am probably regarded as old and cantankerous and nobody else really cares that I have have comfort.  IMHO I believe that that is very important to be truthful to one's self.

If I looked at my "bucket list", I wouldn't find things like jumping out of an airplane, climbing Mount Everest or flying to the Moon.  It only consists of things that I would like to do, given the time.  Right now, there are three local attractions that I would like to see: the Endeavor at the California Science Center, the big rock at LACMA and the battleship Iowa in San Pedro.  If the Mayan Apocalypse occurs before I get there, I guess it won't matter so much.

I'm sure glad that California is not one of the battleground or swing states.  I honestly don't believe I could stand presidential ads on top of the state and Congressional political ads that we have now.  They must honest believe that they will pester us into voting their way.  Speaking of pester: how about all those poll phone calls.  It has gotten to the point that we don't answer the phone from six p.m. until after nine p.m.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-
old soccer players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or
lose but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call
him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your
coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that
to your mother."

Time Honored Truths
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,  where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7.. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage,  where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control  when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas
- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
I dunno, why do we?

Are they done yet ?

Now that I have seen the last of the debates, I am even more sure that Uncle Mitt is lacking in the Presidential smarts area.  While the debate was supposed to be about foreign affairs, Uncle Mitt was too agreeable to Obama's policies leaving Obama with little to discuss.  Romney kept trying to force the discussion to be of the economy, and other domestic affairs that Romney feels more comfortable discussing.  Obama did a very good job of trying to keep Romney on the debate topic, and cut him down several times because of his waffling platform.

In whole, the Formerly (G)OP did NOT successfully sway me to believe that Romney is a better choice, only that he was the best out of the GOP candidates to attempt to take on Obama.  What REALLY scares me here is that Romney may still have a chance to beat Obama and we will have to contend with his steep learning curve.  There are many people that will not ever vote for Obama.  There are people that won't vote black.  There are people that blame Obama for their job being lost, or high prices.  There are people that say that Obama hasn't done enough, in spite of the fact that the Republican congress has blocked his every move.  I fervently believe that there is no more that he could have done given the circumstances of the the economy and two wars that the GOP (Bush) saddled him with.  To have remedied all that was awry in only one term would have been miraculous.  If he gets a second term, it may still be miraculous if he can accomplish what is necessary in spite of the favorable/unfavorable congress.

Remember what I said about congressional elections: "Throw the bums out!".

Clever Puns
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Women's Profound Sayings

- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

- One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

- I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

- Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

- A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

- The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!

- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

- I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

No longer "on the fence"....

The second Presidential debate left me with a much better taste in my mouth for this election. Romney was rude, offensive and disrespectful of the mediator. Obama got his digs in, and they were justified.  Remember I said that the formerly(G)OP put forth their best candidate, but unfortunately, they have little to choose from.  Uncle Mitt is the least offensive from the extremist perspective. but he is proving that he can be offensive to many different voting groups.  I have always had mixed feeling about this election and using my "throw the bums out" philosophy, unfortunately, only works when there is a viable replacement candidate.  Romney is not a viable replacement.  He is not "Presidential".  He claims to have many plans, but he will not share the details until after the election.  This smells.  It is because they haven't worked out the details, for they would most likely find out that there are "gotchas" which would prevent actualization.

Luggage
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

The Classifieds
Actual excerpts from classified sections:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

Boobs

Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace

Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip out
They stay put just where they are

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt

But I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while

And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far"
As he gazes into my eyes not my tits

De-bait!

Having watched the debate between Biden and Ryan last evening, I was not surprised that it was so easy for Biden to put Ryan in his place.  It was like a father - son argument in the family room.  Ryan appeared to be well rehearsed and argued from memory, while Biden, in his incomparable style, appeared to shoot from the hip and get in his share of gaffs.  I believe that Biden successfully set the stage for Obama to come back and finish the story in the second Presidential debate with Romney.  It does, however, amaze me to no end at how much they pick apart all of the text of the debate.

The shuttle makes the last of it journey to retirement today.  I wish I could be there to see it navigate the streets, but soon I will be one of many to visit it at the California Science Center.  Hopefully, there is someone that is filming the journey, because getting there is half the fun.

A visit to the Regan Library shows how they got the previous Air Force One there to display. I am hoping that a feature such as that would be available at the Science Center as well.

I never knew this: Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?
It is a known fact that the Penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguin then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

Then they kick him in the ice hole. 







Too funny!
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.

I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it
had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.

I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep, it's the golden years.

NEW DOG BREEDS!

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....

These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They're amazed at the number of fish that they catch, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"

The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."

The other blonde says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

No More Birthday Party Polka

A sad day today as Sheriff John (John Rovick) passes. Over fifty years ago, I would watch his show and sing along to his birthday song.  I would watch Crusader Rabbit cartoons and then play "Red light- green light" with him while drinking my milk.  I had forgotten about him, but after being reminded I remember him well.

I have purposely been avoiding talking about the political scene recently.  I have to admit that I was extremely disappointed in the first presidential debate.  I think that it was predictable that Romney would move to the center and say things that were not true to make points in the debate.  I was surprised, though, that Obama stood there and took what he said without reaction.  I am not one of the believers that the debates would make or break the campaign, but Romney may now have a false sense of security going into the third one. Obama now has a whole passel of ammunition for the next debate.  Hopefully, Jim Lehrer will not be involved, as he was obviously too passive to control Romney.

It All Makes Sense Now...
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Some System
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!" 

Campaign?

Living in California, I can easily tell you that it is difficult to tell that there is a Presidential campaign, currently.  I realize that we are not living in a "Battleground" state, but even so.  I think I can count the number of bumper stickers, posters or signs relative to the Presidential contest on one hand!  This is bizarre to me.  Both sides are considering the "given" states as given, which is also bizarre.  If we only base our lives and their direction on polls, then we would all be considered lemmings jumping off a cliff because it was expected.
Truthfully, my mind is made up over most of the candidates and propositions.  I have not seen or heard any campaigning that would cause me to doubt my decisions or even sway.
If I lived in Ohio or Florida, I am assuming that we would have been inundated by all the campaign paraphernalia and ads. Since the parties are focusing on the so called "Battleground" state, they are obviously expecting to make a difference there.  I wonder if that is true?

More important, I think, than the presidential race are the congressional races.  Congress needs to be revamped to allow some actual work to be done rather than just blocking Obama.  I'm not telling you anything that you haven't already heard, but certainly you should be aware of the impact that their attitude and lack of performance on the economy, job creation, foreign policy, etc.

Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault... women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Confusing times...

I've had a hard time understanding the goings on, this week:  
Romney made some stupid remarks during a video that he didn't know was being made, and now they say that the election is over.  I don't remember voting.  Are they telling me that I might as well not vote, because I don't live in a battleground state ?  With that attitude, doesn't that make all of the states battlegrounds states ?
People forget (I didn't) that the formerly (G)OP had a tremendous time finding a viable candidate.  Most of them were Bat Chain Pullers from the get go.  Romney was the least offensive or from another perspective, he is the best of the lackluster, inadequate, unsellable perspective candidates.  Now that weakness is showing.  What am I missing here ?

The Muslim world is upset over a video that appeared on the internet.  The people that created the video (NOT the American gubmint) happened to live in the US.  Why would that mean that they should storm our embassies and kill people.  I could understand it if they went after the maker of the video, but the rest just doesn't make sense.  What am I missing here ?

Millions of people are pre-buying the iPhone 5.  They are coming up with $400 to satisfy a whim.  It is great for our economy, but the iPhone 4 is now free and the 4s is $99.  What GREAT new feature does the iPhone 5 providing that makes it worth the price.  The screen is bigger, but only half an inch.  It works on 4G, so it is fast, so I can use my data allotment faster and begin paying for more sooner.  It is lighter and has a better battery.  Is it worth the difference in price ?  Or waiting in a long line to get on the first day ? What am I missing here ?

Our society has eroded.  There may not be a way to return.  For one thing, it has accelerated beyond belief and is fueled by our technologies such as the internet.

I am still favoring a simpler and kinder society, a "Mayberry", which I know doesn't exist anymore- if it ever did.

The shuttle flew over Goleta today, coming from Vandenberg and on its way to Malibu...

 

22 ADULT TRUTHS

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

Carmageddon

Yesterday was carmageddon, for us.  During the week, my wife had gotten an email from a credit union that we currently do business with.  The ad said that if you do business with one of their pre-approved and participating car dealers, we could obtain a car loan for 0.49%.  She applied and was quickly sent the list of three dealers, in the Los Angeles area, of her chosen marque.  She filled out the information for the desired model and color.  One dealer had one on the lot at a much lower price than we had seen at any other location that we tried, plus the promise of 0.49% financing.  She filled out the remaining paperwork to get the desired loan amount and was instantly approved.  All that remained was to present the certificated received in the email, to the dealer, pay the down payment, and drive off.
As predicted and expected, the dealer was grateful for our business but still had to try to sell us something else.  After exhausting the plying of three salesman types, finally we could sign for the originally agreed upon price and be on our way.  Add that to the hassle of driving two and a half hours to Riverside and that the temperature there was 104, and even showed on the car thermometer as 108 during the trip.
The car is beautiful.  It had the acid test of reliability to make it home through that heat without a hitch.  Whether the ordeal was worth it or not, remains to be seen.  Unfortunately, the sleaze factor that is associated with car dealers and salesmen will not be disputed or discredited by our supposed in-and-out purchase that actually took all our energies to continuously say "No"!
 

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." 

Free whelm, just help yourself...

Much effort has been made this week to rid myself of whelm.  I worked hard, but shed responsibilities and wouldn't take on anything new until I could shed much of the whelm I already had.  I feel much better now, at the end of the week.

I did find time, however to watch key portions of the Democratic Convention.  I have to admit that it was MUCH more convincing than the Republican one.  Don't you find it interesting that Bush wasn't invited to speak?  I don't even believe that he attended.  Does this mean the the formerly(G)OP is trying to distance themselves from him and his legacy.  Considering we are still trying to undo the damages created by his legacy, I think that that might be the truth.

I am not looking forward to the positive or negative campaign ads, for sure.  At least, California is pretty sewn up and they would be wasting their monies here.  As for congress- "throw the bums out"!  Replace them all with new bums.

Locked Door
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno," she replied.

"Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

A PLAN
About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My Hope

My hope was that I would find myself recharged after the three day weekend.  I suppose that I am, somewhat. Unfortunately, work has been on my mind most of the time off.  I guess it will take a change of venue as well as much longer for that to happen.  De-stressing cannot happen instantly.

My hope was that the events of the Republican convention would give me reasons to reconsider my choices for the next election.  The antics observed won't do it.  The (formerly G)OP isn't great anymore, but split into non-cohesive factions of extremists with their own outlandish agendas which overshadow their worthiness.  So, so far, why change horses in midstream- and get wet?

Meanwhile, the hope for the California legislature has arrived as many of the restrictions which prevent their actions are being lifted, while new and different ones take their place.  Change is in the air in California.

Still, the direction that I recommend and will stick to for myself regarding the California legislature and Congress is to "throw the bums out!".  I will not vote for incumbents any longer unless my only other choice is an extremist.  These public servants have got to be held accountable for their actions or in-actions.

My hope is not dashed as of yet.  I still have a bit of confidence that the correct choices will be made by the voters (probably stupid of me, though) and the American Dream still survives somewhere...

My hope is that the Democrats can produce that level of confidence and we don't end up with a bunch of Bat Chain Pullers* in office again.  This state and this country needs some honest leadership once again that is not under the influence of the lobbyists and faction groups.

My hope is that they ACTUALLY pull this off successfully...

*A bat chain refers to the chain that hangs down from a signal post on a train line. The signal device that was pulled down was called a bat and different bats had different colors to signal the train driver as to the condition of the track ahead, or whether the train could proceed,etc.
The bat chain puller was the person who set the signals for the approaching train according to track status reports received by telegraph.

 
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air
Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most
horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic
flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,
Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand
that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the
horses...."

The week that was...

The week that was, was so filled with demands for my time and had so many obstacles to progress that I'm actually surprised that survival was an option.  On top of twice the work than I normally have, and visitors from out of town at work, I also had personal visitors from out of town.  We were down two cars and only my truck was available (long story), so I walked to work.  That actually wasn't so bad as it is half an hour portal to portal.  I am one of those type of people that run errands during lunchtime, but this week I couldn't.  
So why are we down to one working vehicle.  My daughter took my wife's car back to school because she is now living off campus for her senior year.  She has a practicum in another city and the public transportation would not have gotten her there and back to cover her other classes.  This was known at the beginning of the summer, so we planned for it.
We danced around the possibilities of buying her a car (that we would have not known the reliability of), or her taking the wife's car.  Since she is parking on the street, a five year old car made more sense.  This also was a great opportunity to get my wife a higher mileage car.
We surveyed and compared many different options and narrowed it down to three models Hyundai Santa Fe, Honda CR-V and Ford Edge.  She tried the Edge, but believe it or not, in order for her to be high enough to see over the dash, her head was bumping the ceiling.  Ergonomics or low roof line for mileage...
Scratch the Edge.  The Santa Fe was next and was very impressive.  The four cylinder model got 42 MPG.  It was comfortable and with the eight speed transmission, had lots of energy.  We both loved the car.  The salesman, being a very nice guy, told us that the franchise for Hyundai was moving to another dealership next door, because they were becoming an Acura dealer. That was okay with us.  Unfortunately, the dealer next door couldn't qualify for the franchise, and all the Santa Fes and other Hyundai were loaded up into a transport truck and shipped to the nearest dealer, which is about 40 miles away- this happened in the space of a week.  We would not buy a Hyundai unless it had a local dealership, for servicing.
Meanwhile, we test drove the CR-V.  It was pretty nice, but a lot more expensive.  It was still a second choice.
Consequently, the time was getting closer to move my daughter, and her stuff (including furniture) to the house that she is leasing with two other girls, adjacent to her campus. The car purchase will have to wait, but we were fine with the truck and the Vette.  I drove the Vette to work for about two weeks, when the fuel pump died and it had to be towed home.  Now we were down to one vehicle.
So add all of these stresses up and certainly you come to more than 100%.

True or False
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.

Answers: All of the above are true. Don't you just love number sixteen?

Shoplifter
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."

Jogger
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

Depressed?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel,this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans,
the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security,
retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

I'm thinkin' maybe, we're screwed.

A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

I can't be the only one...

I'm confused.  I see the current dilemma (economy) that we are experiencing a direct result of giving our jobs to people that will work for less.  They just happen to live in other countries.  This didn't start (or end) with Obama, so I can't blame him for it.  There were many presidents before him that wanted cheaper clothing, shoes, cars, electronics, appliances, heavy equipment, planes, etc. and felt the only way to do it was to transfer the manufacturing jobs to those counties that could perform those tasks for less.  This also comes as a result of our military, where many breadwinners went instead of higher education as a quick opportunity to make capital.  When they returned from duty there were no union controlled, high paying, manufacturing jobs available.  The world has changed.  The US economy has changed.  Enter the world economy dragging its entrails over the US.  Where does the blame sit?  Let's call it progress, progress that we were not ready for.  It caught us with our pants down, living in a 60s world when it was the 21st century.  Did we really expect that the emerging economies would never emerge to our level?  Why didn't we plan for being knocked off of the top of the heap?  The real reason is that we have never been here before.  It is new to us.  It means that we have to compete, rather than lead. I wish that it had come to us easier, but instead as a whup on the back of the head...

At any rate, now we have an election to deal with.  A struggling president, a nasty anti-Democrat congress filled with those raping the political processes while pocketing the benefits offered by lobbyists that should be outlawed, but isn't.  These elected officials are taking advantage of every opportunity to line their own coffers and benefit from their position of power while forgetting why the voters put them there.  I only have one thing to say about the upcoming elections regarding incumbents: "Throw the bums out on their respective asses!".  We need new blood that know and respect the views and desires of the voters and not the benefactors of the re-election funds.

Having had a very busy month, not only at work, but also preparing and delivering my daughter back to school for her senior year.  Moving her to a house that she is renting with two other girls is much different than moving her to a dorm room.  That move, may be the last time that we move her to school.  The next time she moves home, she will have graduated from college.  The time has gone by so fast...

A Ride with Grandpa 
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy? -- just him and his granddaughter.
....
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

They shook hands.

As they talked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, . . . "That's because it takes place in the  future..."

Resurrection

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.