Free whelm, just help yourself...

Much effort has been made this week to rid myself of whelm.  I worked hard, but shed responsibilities and wouldn't take on anything new until I could shed much of the whelm I already had.  I feel much better now, at the end of the week.

I did find time, however to watch key portions of the Democratic Convention.  I have to admit that it was MUCH more convincing than the Republican one.  Don't you find it interesting that Bush wasn't invited to speak?  I don't even believe that he attended.  Does this mean the the formerly(G)OP is trying to distance themselves from him and his legacy.  Considering we are still trying to undo the damages created by his legacy, I think that that might be the truth.

I am not looking forward to the positive or negative campaign ads, for sure.  At least, California is pretty sewn up and they would be wasting their monies here.  As for congress- "throw the bums out"!  Replace them all with new bums.

Locked Door
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno," she replied.

"Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

A PLAN
About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My Hope

My hope was that I would find myself recharged after the three day weekend.  I suppose that I am, somewhat. Unfortunately, work has been on my mind most of the time off.  I guess it will take a change of venue as well as much longer for that to happen.  De-stressing cannot happen instantly.

My hope was that the events of the Republican convention would give me reasons to reconsider my choices for the next election.  The antics observed won't do it.  The (formerly G)OP isn't great anymore, but split into non-cohesive factions of extremists with their own outlandish agendas which overshadow their worthiness.  So, so far, why change horses in midstream- and get wet?

Meanwhile, the hope for the California legislature has arrived as many of the restrictions which prevent their actions are being lifted, while new and different ones take their place.  Change is in the air in California.

Still, the direction that I recommend and will stick to for myself regarding the California legislature and Congress is to "throw the bums out!".  I will not vote for incumbents any longer unless my only other choice is an extremist.  These public servants have got to be held accountable for their actions or in-actions.

My hope is not dashed as of yet.  I still have a bit of confidence that the correct choices will be made by the voters (probably stupid of me, though) and the American Dream still survives somewhere...

My hope is that the Democrats can produce that level of confidence and we don't end up with a bunch of Bat Chain Pullers* in office again.  This state and this country needs some honest leadership once again that is not under the influence of the lobbyists and faction groups.

My hope is that they ACTUALLY pull this off successfully...

*A bat chain refers to the chain that hangs down from a signal post on a train line. The signal device that was pulled down was called a bat and different bats had different colors to signal the train driver as to the condition of the track ahead, or whether the train could proceed,etc.
The bat chain puller was the person who set the signals for the approaching train according to track status reports received by telegraph.

 
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air
Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most
horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic
flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,
Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand
that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the
horses...."

The week that was...

The week that was, was so filled with demands for my time and had so many obstacles to progress that I'm actually surprised that survival was an option.  On top of twice the work than I normally have, and visitors from out of town at work, I also had personal visitors from out of town.  We were down two cars and only my truck was available (long story), so I walked to work.  That actually wasn't so bad as it is half an hour portal to portal.  I am one of those type of people that run errands during lunchtime, but this week I couldn't.  
So why are we down to one working vehicle.  My daughter took my wife's car back to school because she is now living off campus for her senior year.  She has a practicum in another city and the public transportation would not have gotten her there and back to cover her other classes.  This was known at the beginning of the summer, so we planned for it.
We danced around the possibilities of buying her a car (that we would have not known the reliability of), or her taking the wife's car.  Since she is parking on the street, a five year old car made more sense.  This also was a great opportunity to get my wife a higher mileage car.
We surveyed and compared many different options and narrowed it down to three models Hyundai Santa Fe, Honda CR-V and Ford Edge.  She tried the Edge, but believe it or not, in order for her to be high enough to see over the dash, her head was bumping the ceiling.  Ergonomics or low roof line for mileage...
Scratch the Edge.  The Santa Fe was next and was very impressive.  The four cylinder model got 42 MPG.  It was comfortable and with the eight speed transmission, had lots of energy.  We both loved the car.  The salesman, being a very nice guy, told us that the franchise for Hyundai was moving to another dealership next door, because they were becoming an Acura dealer. That was okay with us.  Unfortunately, the dealer next door couldn't qualify for the franchise, and all the Santa Fes and other Hyundai were loaded up into a transport truck and shipped to the nearest dealer, which is about 40 miles away- this happened in the space of a week.  We would not buy a Hyundai unless it had a local dealership, for servicing.
Meanwhile, we test drove the CR-V.  It was pretty nice, but a lot more expensive.  It was still a second choice.
Consequently, the time was getting closer to move my daughter, and her stuff (including furniture) to the house that she is leasing with two other girls, adjacent to her campus. The car purchase will have to wait, but we were fine with the truck and the Vette.  I drove the Vette to work for about two weeks, when the fuel pump died and it had to be towed home.  Now we were down to one vehicle.
So add all of these stresses up and certainly you come to more than 100%.

True or False
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.

Answers: All of the above are true. Don't you just love number sixteen?

Shoplifter
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."

Jogger
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

Depressed?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel,this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans,
the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security,
retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

I'm thinkin' maybe, we're screwed.

A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

I can't be the only one...

I'm confused.  I see the current dilemma (economy) that we are experiencing a direct result of giving our jobs to people that will work for less.  They just happen to live in other countries.  This didn't start (or end) with Obama, so I can't blame him for it.  There were many presidents before him that wanted cheaper clothing, shoes, cars, electronics, appliances, heavy equipment, planes, etc. and felt the only way to do it was to transfer the manufacturing jobs to those counties that could perform those tasks for less.  This also comes as a result of our military, where many breadwinners went instead of higher education as a quick opportunity to make capital.  When they returned from duty there were no union controlled, high paying, manufacturing jobs available.  The world has changed.  The US economy has changed.  Enter the world economy dragging its entrails over the US.  Where does the blame sit?  Let's call it progress, progress that we were not ready for.  It caught us with our pants down, living in a 60s world when it was the 21st century.  Did we really expect that the emerging economies would never emerge to our level?  Why didn't we plan for being knocked off of the top of the heap?  The real reason is that we have never been here before.  It is new to us.  It means that we have to compete, rather than lead. I wish that it had come to us easier, but instead as a whup on the back of the head...

At any rate, now we have an election to deal with.  A struggling president, a nasty anti-Democrat congress filled with those raping the political processes while pocketing the benefits offered by lobbyists that should be outlawed, but isn't.  These elected officials are taking advantage of every opportunity to line their own coffers and benefit from their position of power while forgetting why the voters put them there.  I only have one thing to say about the upcoming elections regarding incumbents: "Throw the bums out on their respective asses!".  We need new blood that know and respect the views and desires of the voters and not the benefactors of the re-election funds.

Having had a very busy month, not only at work, but also preparing and delivering my daughter back to school for her senior year.  Moving her to a house that she is renting with two other girls is much different than moving her to a dorm room.  That move, may be the last time that we move her to school.  The next time she moves home, she will have graduated from college.  The time has gone by so fast...

A Ride with Grandpa 
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy? -- just him and his granddaughter.
....
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

They shook hands.

As they talked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, . . . "That's because it takes place in the  future..."

Resurrection

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.

Arbitrage Up Close

I was speaking to a coworker today and brought up something his daughter came up with on her own.  She had been going to a thrift store and buying name brand jeans for practically nothing, for her own use.  She noticed that there were many pair there that wouldn't fit her.  She also looked on eBay and noticed a large number of sellers for new or used name brand jeans.  She figured that she could undersell them and still make a hefty profit. What quickly came to pass was the idea of arbitrage. She would buy many pairs for cheap at the thrift store and sell them on eBay.   That is pretty impressive for a teenager.

Using the same principles, we could all be making serious extra monies without much effort.  It is a very interesting scheme to move materials from one market to another and thereby make extreme profits. 

Well, the more I read about Mitt's choice for VP running mate, the more I believe that he may have made a serious mistake.  We shall see... 

Friday I couldn't wait to leave work.  I was exhausted.  I drove the Vette directly towards home.  About two and half blocks from home, the engine began cutting out and the car was bucking.  The engine stalled and I proceeded to the curb. I tried to get it started again, but to no avail.  My guess is that the fuel pump went belly up.  I called for a tow and sat there for 45 minutes waiting.  The flatbed came and took both of us home.  The Vette is back in the garage awaiting my attention.

Yesterday, we visited my daughter's new house rental in Eagle Rock.  When we arrived, it was 94 degrees!  That didn't make cleaning any easier.  At any rate, we cleaned the room and moved a desk, chair and rug into the room.  Next weekend, the rest of her stuff will be taken down.  Coming back, the temperature that showed on the dashboard rose to 100, and then dropped to 74 as we approached Goleta.  Those temps would be hard to take on a daily basis.

Last night, we caught a showing of Total Recall (we had passes).  This is another version of the a movies based on the same story that Schwarzenegger's movie was based.  There were similarities, but for the most part, they were very different.  I liked it, but I'm glad we didn't pay to see it....

How to mess up a job interview
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low-lights:

- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

- "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

- "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

 - "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

- "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

- "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

- "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

- "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

- "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk." 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it."

Who did it help ?

What is my take on the selection of Paul Ryan for Republican VP candidacy?  At this point, even after reading all the reaction opinions on the web and in the papers, I have an open mind.  I don't know enough about him to dislike or like him.  They ARE digging up some interesting stuff, though. One thing I do know, though, is that I don't feel any connection to Uncle Mitt or the Republican party.  If Ryan's choice helps that (yet to be seen), then it was a good one.  Otherwise, I don't think it will matter.  Uncle Mitt has a tarnished image on many sides.  He has a lot of work to do in a short time to "shine" his image up.  The first thing that he can do is to become more transparent.  He can tell us about Bain, and outsourcing, his tax returns and his offshore accounts.  Obama may not totally be transparent, but I still have confidence in his honesty and I trust him.  That is more than I can say for almost nay of the Republicans...It is up in the air whether Romney did himself a favor or not, by picking Ryan.

"I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved."

"The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered: "Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them"...

Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

NBC sports commentators said what?

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said? 

Walking Across Water
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.

Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.

The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.

The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

Last of the Olympics...

It has been a harrowing week, not only for me, but at the Olympics.  Is it my imagination or is our main competition China now, instead of Russia ?  We either have the largest group of athletes entered and therefore have more chances to win, or we are training better.  We have a tremendous amount of medalists this year.  I am very happy, so far, that the Olympics has not been a venue for terrorists.  I wonder about the security issues that they are not publicizing...

My exhaustion has generated many daydreams about possible vacations.  Currently we are gearing up to get my daughter back to school for her final year. I hope that we can finally get some well earned rest once that happens.

Fortunately/unfortunately we are really busy at work. I quote a famous boss as saying that there isn't really a great time to be gone on vacation.  I see that the time between now and the end of the year as being even more busy than usual.  While the unemployment rate is still high, my company is hiring scads of new people.  It is retirement season, and most of them are replacements.  With this, of course, comes new ways to do things brought to us from other companies or campuses where the new hires came from.  Those of us that adjust will have the easiest time of it...

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened!"

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do remember." 

Excited About Marriage
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....
"Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's
draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05?  I gotta use the little
boys' room."

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women
is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!!  ...Okay, now a little to the left...
Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice
prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ... what say we put on the
rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A
DIRTY MUG!"

You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get
started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen
eye for interior decoration."

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A naked chicken sandwich, please!

So just answer one all important question for me: what does gay marriage have to do with my chicken sandwich? Why is it important for Chick-Fil-A to sell their sandwiches "religiously"?  In spite of the fact that they are opening a new restaurant where I live, I don't want my chicken sandwich to be involved with my religious or political beliefs, whatever those might be.  They can keep their extra baggage.  I'll get my chicken sandwich where it doesn't matter....  Isn't this whole ordeal very sad?  It beckons from the times with separate doors for blacks and being forced to ride in the back of the bus.  Why isn't our culture making any progress in acceptance ?

We scored free tickets to the Professional Bull Riders performance last night.  It was hard to believe that we had $80 seats because we had a lot of trouble seeing the action.  These bulls come out of the chute in a massive explosion of thrashing mad muscles and hooves.  They usually throw their riders in the first five yards or so, therefore the action is only located directly in front of the chute.  Squirming and bending, we could barely see over the plethora of cowboy hats in front of us.  Consequently, we left at halftime. As we walked out of the area, I could only think about that fact that we had better seats than most.  Those fans had only the gigantic monitor to catch the action- which they certainly could do at home on their TV.

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, ' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

Kids say the darndest things

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

"What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House,
and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

Pick and Choose Events

People have been complaining about NBC's coverage of the Olympics, and their prime-time "highlights" show.  They say that spoilers are ruining the show.  Let's get real.  There is no way to prevent spoilers from showing up in the news, whether internet or printed.  Twitter has prevented any delay possibilities.  Get over it.  The world has changed. You will know who wins each competition before you watch it!  NBC is doing a great job considering the amount of coverage that they have to whittle down to the prime-time show.  
My only complaint is that I have to watch many events that I'm not interested in because they don't elaborate on the starting time for each event during their show so that I can just tune in for what I want to see.

We finally went to see the Dark Knight Rises.  It was a great ending to the trilogy.  My comment about the first movie of the trilogy was that the movie was very good- AND you really couldn't tell that it was a Batman movie until about half of it was over.  The most recent one is similar in that regard.  The protagonist (Bruce Wayne) takes the center stage with inner conflicts that prevent his performance as Batman.  He learns to face those conflicts and defeat them much as he did in the first movie.  The special effects were great, especially the wheel-spinning Batcycle.  Catwoman (Anne Hathaway) fit the part very well, and her performance was enjoyable.  I liked it...  It was a fitting cap on the storyline.

Obituary:
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of
"Common Sense" Common Sense lived a long life but died in the
United States from heart failure on the brink of the new
millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth
records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals,
homes, factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and
foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous
lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with
cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of
the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't
always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't
spend more than you! earn), reliable parenting strategies (the
adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in
second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great
Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense
survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing,
whole language, and "new math." But his health declined when he
became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-

it's-worth-it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the
ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He
watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking
lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened
his condition.

It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the
parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses,
criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal
judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to
professional sports. Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge
settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but
was kept informed of developments regarding questionable
regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs,
and stepladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and
his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights,
and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few
realized he was gone.

--Obituary author unknown.

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Buying a Car...

Do you buy a car that appeals to you, or one that is practical and fulfills your needs?  If you are lucky, you can do both.

When buying a new car, I am usually concerned about the location of the dealer in order to service the warranty. We looked at a particular brand, drove them and were about to buy, when the salesman said that the franchise was being transferred next door in favor of a more upscale brand opportunity.  That delayed our purchase, thankfully.

The dealer next door failed to qualify for the franchise and now the closest dealer is forty miles away. Consequently, we are looking elsewhere.  This means giving up the desire for a car that we already picked.

Due to the need and desire to have their cars get better mileage but not sacrifice power, car designers are lowering their cars' stance as well as increasing the rake of the windshields to lower the wind resistance.  Unfortunately, that has played havoc with ergonomics and safety in a few models.  My wife sat in one recently, which drove nicely, but the visor completely obscured the windshield and therefore visibility when flipped down.  That car was quickly rejected.

The models that remain, that are supported by local dealers, have definitely helped to pare down the possible choices for a replacement vehicle.  Another unfortunate reality is that while we would service the vehicle locally, the local dealers refuse to put together a reasonable purchase deal.  We are currently working on that deal with a dealer fifty miles away.

They dismiss our nonacceptance of their pricing because they claim to be a low-volume dealer. I pointed out that high-volume dealers didn't just happen; they have to sell a lot of cars for that moniker.  It also means that they have to be ready to accept less per car, to move them along.

Buying a car and dealing with most salesmen is right up there with dealing with banks...

"Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone."

Not another blonde joke

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Humor and Perspective...

Some people may not like my humor, or what I think may be funny.  They might even say that frequently I am sophomoric.  Humor is valuable, as in "Laughter is the best medicine...".  If you can laugh at the world as well as yourself, then you are definitely healthier that those that wander about with a black cloud over their head.  I am not depressed or even unhappy.  I try to make each day count, and to laugh at the stressful situations that occur.  At any rate, if you like what I think may be funny, then read on... otherwise you need to  find another blog.

I am not an advocate of gun control.  I do believe that making them more difficult to obtain will only mean that the bad guys will have guns, but the good ones won't.  Why is it so easy to buy guns on the internet, without even checking on who is buy them?  Maybe the ammunition should be way more expensive.   It would seem as though those guns bought on the Internet should be registered somewhere, if nothing more but to keep track of how many are going to whom.  Kennedy was assassinated with a mail-order gun.  The  Aurora massacre was  carried out with guns purchased off the internet.  Much certainly has occurred between those two events, and yet we haven't done anything to restrict that kind of access to guns.

Last night I tackled fixing my Corvette.  I had previously  had problems getting into second and third gears.  I thought that my transmission was failing.  Usually that would be one gear or another, but not two. Over the weekend, I had crawled under the car to inspect the shifting linkage.  I was suspecting a problem because it is so unusual to have second and third failing since first and third, and second and fourth are associated together via the linkage.  I discovered a roll-pin sticking out from its home by about 75%, and it was canted and jammed back.  This caused the shifter to not be able to enter second or third gears.  Great, I thought.  I'll just remove the old one and replace it- all should be fixed.


The replacement pin that I had also moved back and forth in the hole- it was too small.  I proceeded to visit three different parts stores to buy a larger diameter, but couldn't unless it was basically gigantic.  My only path to success was to open the roll-pin a bit and make it a larger diameter.  These pins are spring steel and are very difficult to do anything with.  They are utilized in high stressful areas in the design to provide shear strength.


I used various tools and a big hammer to accomplish the enlargement.  Now if I could only get it into the hole.  This required the use of a needle-nosed pliers, from the inside of the car.  I removed a metal plate around the shifter to expose the hole at the bottom of the shifter.  If I cant my head just right, I could see the hole.  At least 39 times, I grabbed the pin with the pliers and attempted to get the pin into the hole, only to drop it to the ground below.  Then get out of the car, get a broom and retrieve the pin from the garage floor.  Then back into the car, get the pliers and try again.  On the 40th try, it started to go in- a tight fit (as planned by enlarging the diameter).  Quickly, I used a pry bar to force it into its home.  A big sigh of relief.

Now, how will I keep the pin from coming out again.  The design of the pin and its use is to stay put by the compression of the pin.  I didn't trust it, so I inserted a very large Cotter pin through the roll pin, and bent over the emerging ends.  That should keep it in place, I thought.  Only time will tell.

This morning the car shifted like a champ.  It almost seemed "happy" to be out of the garage.  I'm very happy that it was not something much more serious and expensive.  I am content.  Persistence and basic mechanical engineering has paid off again.

Things to Remember
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the
past.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.


When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.


If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.


They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

North vs South
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.