Birthday Bash

Busy, Busy, Busy...

The bash last weekend was an unqualified success.  With everyone in the family chipping in to get the work done, the challenges became smaller and smaller as the date approached.  My wife desired to have a last celebration - big celebration- of her birthday.  The plan is to make the rest of them low-key.  First we upgraded and completed the re-landscaping of the back yard.  This required much re-planting and even having two overgrown palms removed.  We all worked tirelessly to make this happen (actually, we all worked while exhausted to make this happen).  We also upgraded the lighting and strung white Christmas lights all over the backyard to make the mood.  We hung Japanese lanterns with battery operated lights.  We also placed candles strategically in the landscaping to create mood shadows.

We investigated what the rental costs for heater, tables, chairs, place settings, linens and glassware.  We decided to buy glassware, heater and place settings, as the rental price was high.  We put together an invitation list, created a custom invitation, had it printed, and then sent it out.  We purchased cases of desirable wine and traveled to the wineries to pick them up.  We put together a menu and investigated caterers.  We decided on entertainment and contacted them for availability and prices.

After all was said and done (supposedly), it was the day before the party.  My daughter had the daunting task to bake seventy cupcakes of various flavors. The party rental delivery arrived and everything was counted and then "installed" into the patio.  I had already assembled the heater that I bought, but it hadn't been tried out.  I lit it for the first time and it was a success.  It was strategically placed between the tables to augment the already installed permanent heater.  The furniture from the family room and living room was re-arranged or moved to the garage to make room for the faux casino.  Two blackjack tables and a craps table were delivered and assembled- ready to go for the next day.

On the day of the party, all of the last minute preparations were made.  The tables were set.  The white wine and beer were iced. The caterer delivered the hors d'oeuvres and set them up appropriately. The music was setup and turned on.  The guests were to arrive very soon.

As the "party-time" quickly approached, the strolling-magician also arrived and began mingling with the guests while performing sleight of hand and various coin tricks.  He also changed one dollar bills into hundred dollar bills.  Unfortunately, he changed them back before returning the guests' money.

The patio quickly filled to relative capacity, as 33 of the 35 invited guests had arrived.  Spirits were flowing freely with the labelled wineglasses and at the guests' assigned seats as well as a faux "living room" setting on the lawn made up of couch and chairs and coffee table and roaring Chiminea.  My wife, the one wearing a birthday tiara, was aglow.  She was really enjoying the company of the A-list (her choice) crowd.

Dinner was served.  A bountiful buffet was created on the island of our kitchen.  Guests flowed in and out of our house to retrieve their dinner repast.  The caterers fluttered about seeing to every detail.  We even hired another to keep the beer and wine stocked, the wine bottles open, and the glasses full.  There was nothing for the family members to do, but enjoy.  The food and atmosphere was stupendous. Dessert cupcakes were made available.

When people were just about done with their dinner, the magician began his show.  He performed flawlessly and comically, calling on helpers form the audience whenever needed.  He made some fantastic illusions passing a quarter into and out of a Perrier bottle.  Another illusion showed a coin entering a filled can of Coke, the can being emptied onto the lawn, crushed, then being "magically" filled and the pop-top showing as unopened.  He had my wife choose a card and then write her name and birthday on it, and then produce an unopened bottle of white wine with her card inside. He produced a bowling ball from a handmade drawing and then juggled it, a lit torch and a machete while balancing on a balance board and roller.  The show was icing on the cake, so far, for a very successful and enjoyable party.
  

At that point, it was time to partake in the indoor activities in the faux casino.  Most of the guests, about twenty-five, decided to play.  Each player was outfitted with $400 of faux money that could be traded for playing chips.  At the end of the night, the chips would be traded for tickets to place into a drawing for five prizes.

This was definitely expensive and a lot of work.  It only shows how far one's family will go to give you what you want for the birthday!

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. - Thomas Jefferson

A lesson on irony...

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."

Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson.

Another Paradigm Shift....

The next generation of E-commerce is about to be sprung on us.  First, retail products that we are familiar with move to E-commerce (ala Amazon).  Now a whole new line of products that can only be bought online are emerging- at phenomenal prices, since they bypass the whole wholesale and distribution costs.  This is good for the consumer, but not good for jobs.  Unfortunately, that is where the spending power comes from.  How will this pan out?  Only time will tell...

I have taken a giant step (or a lot of small ones) and have begun walking to work.  It takes me half an hour, portal to portal.  I get exercise, I arrive awake and ready to work, and I save mileage on the car and gas.  I would ride a bike, except for the impending danger- and the short-cuts that I can take.  It has been an interesting experiment, which I can continue (as long as I don't have wet weather or darkness).  What is really interesting is how many people, dogs, raccoons, etc are up that early.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Winners of the "Best Bad Humorous Analogy Contest" in the Washington Post Style Invitational Column:

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Kinder and Simpler Times

Not that I have already picked who is going to get my vote for POTUS yet, but I see rumors in the news that the old bat-chain pullers are being vetted as running mates.  I always keep in mind that they are but a bullet away from being president.  That said, the package can't be Romney and Bachmann- that isn't a viable or acceptable package deal.  The Veep needs to be "electable".  Truth is that I don't believe anyone that is worth having as a running mate, is willing to run.  That leaves many second, third and fourth choices that are less than effective- and perhaps damaging...

Many times I have thought about kinder and simpler times, say for example in Mayberry.  I wonder what it would be like to live in a small town utopia without many of the foibles of modern and industrial society.  I could see myself sitting on a bench outside the barber shop and watching the people go by, or playing checkers in the park.  Today, one of my favorites has passed, Andy Griffith.  I am sad because I could never experience the simpler life that he portrayed.  The best I could do was to watch the Andy Griffith Show or Mayberry in re-runs, which I still do occasionally to this day...

Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

St. Peter's Book
A man arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life."

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang.

"He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.

"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago." 

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
"You have been a good cat all these years.  Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."  Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.  God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. 

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.  He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.... God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels' you have been sending over are delicious."

Affording Courtesy

Amanda says: "Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer you get to the center, the faster it gets used up".

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock."  - Will Rogers


I've said many times that you can't buy service, but whatever happened to "common" courtesy ?  I entered the shopping center parking lot and decided that I wanted to turn left on one of the aisles.  Car after car went by, each not courteous enough to let me turn left in front of them.  At least five cars passed, before I could turn.  The car behind me was honking, but I was determined to reveal at least one gentle-person.  Unfortunately, in-spite of each driver catching my glaring glance and my blinker blinking and my hand-signal to turn left, nobody would let me go.  Why is it that people are not courteous anymore.  I always open the door for my wife, or a woman entering where I am exiting- or even a man.  Holding the door is just plain nice (and courteous).  My daughter holds her cell phone because she wants to catch texts or calls right away, so the other person doesn't have to wait.  Why is is better to be courteous on the phone, but not in person?  Is it too much to ask to give thirty-seconds (or so) away to a total stranger?  There are many times that I REALLY don't like the direction that the world is taking.  Why are we always in so much of a hurry.  So much in a hurry that a phone call or text can't wait until we stop our car or even get to our destination.  No time to stop and help someone that drops their package.  Way too much to ask to return something found, rather than keeping it or spending it.  We are just too busy to enjoy our surroundings, even the people we call friends or family, unless it is electronically (which, by the way, may be faster- thereby allowing us to multitask even more...). 


I long for the simpler times.  Wouldn't it be cool to sit on a bench in front of the barber shop and shoot the breeze while watching the cars and people go bye (as in Mayberry)?  Certainly an impossibility, as I don't think those places still exist, but I still long for a simpler existence in which you can appreciate your surroundings because you have the time and you spend the time to do so.

Top ten reasons why the bible would be different if it were written by university students.

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning, cold.

9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five, double-spaced, and written in large font.

8. Promiscuous females would be pissed, not stoned.

7. Forbidden fruit would still have been eaten, anything is better than college food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain Killed Abel: they were flatting together and the dishes weren't getting done.

4. The time and place where the end of the world occurs would be lecture theatres in October.

3. Mary would have made a complaint to the sexual harassment committee concerning Gods unwanted advances.

2. The reason why Moses and the followers walked in the desert for forty years: they didn't want to ask
directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until
the night before it was due and then pulled an all- nighter.

Modern Technology
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

========

I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for his life couldn't figure why the computer would not turn on.

========

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account.

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."

PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Smartphonatics Anonymous

A very busy weekend behind me now, I didn't realize that I would long for a day "off" after two.  I spent at least eight hours working in the garden on Saturday, with trimming and cleaning and re-planting.  It was a gloriously beautiful day- the day of the Summer Solstice parade and celebration downtown, which I knew that I would not be participating in.  As I have grown older, I long for new experiences and eschew the ones that I have enjoyed in the past that are now crowded with so many people.  
Saturday night found us both wiped out, but desiring some entertainment.  We caught a late showing of "Rock of Ages".  Having read the reviews previously, I had low expectations for the beginning of the movie, at least until Tom Cruise made the scene.  I am a big fan of Julianne Hough, but REALLY expected more dancing during the show.  Also, since Adam Shankman is the director, I really expected much more dancing.  In general, it was an entertaining show, with nostalgia generating music and action.  As the other reviews stated equivalently, Tom Cruise stole the show with his rendition of the stereotypical rocker.
Sunday found me dealing ever-so-patiently with lighting issues in the back yard, which will become the celebration area for my wife's upcoming birthday.  Existing lighting stopped working.  Supplemental lighting only worked occasionally.  FINALLY, after much frustration, all of the old was ripped out, and thrown away.  This was replaced by all new stuff that worked 100% of the time.  By that time the weekend had caught up with us.  We were, once again, wiped out by the seeming simple, but unsuccessful tasks of the day.

So is the next best thing going to be "Smartphonatics Anonymous" ?  Many users are obsessing and changing their lives and our culture by their actions.

Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

You slower people may need someone to explain it

A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week. 

Top ten reasons why dogs are better pets than cats
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Before Us and During...

Sunday I was treated to a viewing of  Prometheus.  As I expected, I would leave the theater with two things "for sure".  First, I would have more questions than I had when I started the movie. Secondly, there would definitely be a connection to "Alien" as well as a sequel to Prometheus.  While the story unfolded pretty slowly, there were some profound similarities to the Alien series, as well as some symbolic "newness".  I enjoyed the story, but was very surprised at the mildness of the horror aspects.  The attack scenes were extremely tolerable.  The opening scene of a human forefather ceremonially ingesting some kind of substance that caused his dissolution and fall into a large waterfall had some symbolic statement, but I haven't figured it out yet.

I watched with contemptuous anticipation at the big announcement by Microsoft of their new product, the "Surface".  On the surface (sic) , the product indicates that Microsoft was thinking clearly to come up with features that the iPad does not easily offer.  It is clear that Microsoft is aiming primarily for the business customer, but would like to cover many bases.  At this point, I find the product and features enticing, but there are a lot of gotchas that one has to consider: 1) It is new and unproven hardware. 2) It is made by Microsoft (previously also known as Microshaft). 3) No release date or pricing information was forthcoming in the announcement. 4) It is run by Windows 8, which is unproven and has no history or reviews.  5) One "successful" product does not make the Microsoft naysayers go away. 6) There is now information as to who or where these will be sold (or serviced).  At least with iPad, I can go to any Apple store.  Bottom line, this may be too little too late for Microsoft, but the market will certainly decide.

Free or For Sale

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER - 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES - 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog

FREE PUPPIES - Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED - Also 1 gay bull for sale

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! - Must sell washer and dryer £100

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE - Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

FOR SALE BY OWNER - Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

CLOTHES WASHER $100 - Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE - Only used on snowy days

FREE PUPPIES - Part German shepherd - part dog

TWO WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES - 1 x 5-finger, 1 x 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX - Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

GERMAN SHEPHERD - Female. 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS - 20yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

FREE CAN OF PORK & BEANS - With purchase of 3 br 2 bath home

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 - Hardly used. Call Chubbie

FREE: FARM KITTENS - Ready to eat

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - Pole included $100

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE - Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT - Queen size mattress & box springs -$175

3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL - Experience preferred.

FOR SALE - Three canaries of undermined sex.

GREAT DAMES FOR SALE - Free to good home.

WANTED: HAIR CUTTER - Excellent growth potential.

LOST: SMALL APRICOT POODLE - Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

FOUR-POSTER BED - 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

DOG FOR SALE - Eats anything and is fond of children.

WANTED - Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

WANTED - Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. 

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account." "However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?" All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

Classic Design

What does it take to make a classic car?  A white-coved Corvette, big tailed Cadillac or original Model-T? Do we have any new classics in the making?  I might be wrong, but I don't think so.  Design is a funny concept.  Why does a classic-design Rolex never go out of style.  It is only those designs that meet the criteria that our eyes and perspective find desirable.  We are our own worst critics.  Designers are always telling us that their latest model is a "classic".  I might believe it when I see it...  Let me know the next time that someone calls a new design "classic" and it turns out to be.


Why is it... that we are so concerned about giving up our privacy to drones, but we are oblivious to the sucking sounds as our privacy drains away from Fleecebook and smart phones ?  Is it that we don't get some whiz-bang high-tech electronics and some apps to perform mindless tasks in trade ???

Updated Chinese Proverb

Original Chinese Proverb - Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

2012 Revision/update
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, a hundred weeks of unemployment, a forty ounce malt liquor, free drugs, Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democrat for life.

Golf game......

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt
to win. 

Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way,
told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time.
In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation." He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another
and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had. 

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. 

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy. 

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight
I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel...... What do you say?" Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" 

"What? Why not?" asked Dave. 

"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that
part of me yet!" "What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. 

"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

Florida-ted...

What's going on in Florida?  Is that still part of America?  They have had a kid killed by a neighborhood watch for wearing a hoody, and someone on bath salts ate the face off a homeless guy.  Is there something in the water down there ?  Isn't this the "hanging chad" state, as well ?  Utterly amazing!

Everyone was all excited at the prospect that Apple's announcement would include the IPhone5 (even I was anticipatory).  The move to make their computers with the Retina screens will once again, drive the market.  Putting Siri on the iPad will also cause the competition to scramble.  This is good business- healthy business.  It is good to force the industry in the direction that you desire.  My hat is off to Apple.  I'm looking forward to see what Google does now that they have purchased Motorola's cell phone group.  It is too bad, though, that all the manufacturing goes on overseas.  We REALLY need to get it back.

It used to be that whenever you bought some tech gear, it was out of date by the time you got home.  I think that the period of "bestness" is becoming shorter and shorter.  People that buy "me-too" technology usually suffer, in spite of saving money or getting some additional useless feature.  We all want to get the original and "best", but sometimes we are not willing to pay for it.

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNIN
A bar called Drummond's, in Mt. Vernon, Texas, began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.

In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.

About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer."

The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church.... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.

He then opened the hearing by saying:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

Wal Mart

A few days ago my best friend from High School sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' hat. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Ron was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vet Nam Vet?" "No" I replied. "Then why are you wearing that hat?" "Because I couldn't find my one for the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort. "The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?" God forgive me but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936". He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly. "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah." he gave me the "don't threaten me" look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We
wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot. What a great time!

Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat.  

SEX AND THE LAW - STRANGE BUT TRUE

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (What, was someone turned
to stone or something?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder
which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins
to marry. (And you thought you had a great job?
I wonder what their resume's look like?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Talk
about performance anxiety!)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time. (Apparently this was a big enough problem
that they had to pass a law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well... not as great as Guam!)

Caving: Resistance is Futile

I was one of the people that opted-out of the upgrade of electric meters to Smart-Meters.  My whole neighborhood has been "upgraded" while my analog meter remains and is tagged "Not to Replace".  Rumors have been circulating as well as having been published that fees for opting-out have been set by the PUC.  I have not seen any fees attached to my bill yet.  Yesterday I received a mailer describing the "advantages" that I would have if I "upgrade", and also detailing the fees.  It would be $75 initial fee and $10 per month to totally opt-out.  Also, opting-in could only be done after a year.  That adds up to $75 + 12x$10 = $195.  There apparently is no way to continue resistance w/o a large expenditure.  As they say, resistance is futile, at this point.  The electric companies have way too much clout to be curtailed by the PUC.  I assume, at this point, I will bow my head in shame and sell out for $195.  I am sooooo disappointed in myself.....

Three women were talking.

The German woman says, "I'm tired of cleaning the house. I told my husband I am not going to clean the house again. The first day, I see nothing, the second day, I see nothing, the third day, amazing! My husband cleaned the whole house."

The American woman said, "I'm tired of washing clothes. I told my husband I am not going to wash clothes any more. The first day, I see nothing, the second day, I see nothing, the third day, amazing! My husband did all the laundry, washed it, dried it and folded it."

The Italian woman said, "I'm tired of cooking. It told my husband I am not going to cook any more. The first day, I see nothing, the second day, I see nothing. The third day, I start to see a little out of my left eye.

The Whole Story
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was
very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and
consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw
her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a
woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing
shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make
bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me,
the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very
proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.
And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners
couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would
do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the
chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to
become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all,
something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle
to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some
apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way
that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was
communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil
like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but,
being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I
was great shakes at-- and forgot that I had succeeded in
situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a
terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way
through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time
to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only
called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres,
trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps
even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a
savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she
was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently.

The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at
length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave
at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me.

To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and
have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she
has requited it. 

Fleecebook...a flash in the pan.

If Zuck gets his way, he will soon start reaping information from 11 year old Fleecebook members.  Methinks that is a bit much.  Now people are asking whether the membership age should be the same as the drinking age, 21.  That may be a bit over-restrictive.  I would favor 18 as the cutoff.  By then, a teen is either too stupid to care, or smart enough to be wary.

So what happened to the attendance on Facebook?  According to polls, usage is down by 34% in the last six months. Does this mean that there is still hope for our society ?? It was bound to happen that the "newness" and "coolness" would wear off.  What we didn't realize is that being bombarded with direct marketing and everyday nonsense from the bazillion users that you befriended was going to get OLD.  This was a very good time to get as much public money as possible from an IPO, right ?  I think that Zuck needs to grow up and face reality and that Facebook (Fleecebook) isn't the reality that he was counting on.  It will become a flash in the pan, as AOL and Yahoo did.  The masses are constantly searching for the next best thing to come along...

What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

The top 31 things that you will never hear a Southern boy say:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
30. Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a rat's ass who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Becky Mae.....darlin'

AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

Small Drinks Only In NYC

I am amazed.  Our primary election is next Tuesday, June 5.  We have not been polled over the phone nor is there a plethora of political signs on everyone's lawn- in fact I haven't seen one!  So assuming that the presidential primary is a given, what about all the politicians running for state office?  The are only two questionable propositions here, and I have seen a few signs for them.  I'm guessing that there is only waning enthusiasm give the unemployment and the state of the economy.  This may be a really interesting election- or not!

So Bloomberg thinks that limiting the size of a sugary soda drink will help fight the obesity in New York City- NOT!  Gubmint, at any level has got to stay out of our private lives.  Telling us that sugary drink are bad, and smoking is bad- along with everything else they've thrown at us- Isn't that enough?  Has the gubmint lied to you so many times that you ignore everything that they say? 

People will buy two 16oz. drinks instead of one 32oz. drink.  They will return to the fountain and refill their cups umpteen times and the 16oz. limit won't make a hill-of-beans' difference. Is Bloomberg out of touch?  Probably no more than most politicians nowadays.  Why does the gubmint believe that regulation is the solution to the world's problems.  Whatever happened to EDUCATING the world so they can fix their own problems.

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." 

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, Maybe seven times . Just put me down for five."  

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right-click again. So you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write "click" and I wrote "click".  

Units of measure

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

AND.......

100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Me

Some readers have asked me what my blog is about.  It is about me.  It is what I feel like opining about or complaining about.  It is what I think is weird or funny.  It is all about me and what goes on in my life.  It is my perspective on the world's occurrences.  


I thought about picking a different topic, but I know "me" best!

Understanding Engineers
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Then there was the model who drank some varnish--she died horribly but it was a beautiful finish...

And the butcher who backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his orders...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
       "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
       "Is it common?"
       "Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."  "I don't believe you," says Dolly.   "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week .... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption .. One of  them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'    The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
   
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,
one of the largest department store chains in the world.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only three types of bras," replied
the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type,
the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference
between them?" The lady responded "It is all really
quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills. 

13 INTERESTING QUOTES
1. I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

2. I know you’re nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

3. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

4. A man is as young as the woman he feels.

5. Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.

6. The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

7. The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

8. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

9. If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

10. Stay with me; I want to be alone

11. Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people.

12. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

13. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Feeling Zucked

When a close friend that has beat cancer once, calls you and says that his doctor is concerned about a new hot spot, many thought fleet through your mind.  First there is concern, then sympathy, then your own vulnerability becomes visible.  How does he cope with that kind of news?  How do I?  I don't want to lose my friend, nor do I want him to suffer physically, emotionally or mentally.  Sickness is a nasty thing to deal with.  When someone that is a heavy smoker gets cancer, it is still bad, but is a logical result of a bad practice.  When someone gets cancer that is not the result of a bad habit or even accident, that is most difficult to accept.  When it is an innocent child, that is even worse.  I don't wish this ordeal on anyone.  I pray that my friend continues to beat this down...

Days later, the doctor's office calls to apologize for the scare but the reading was falsely based.  What can you do at this point, since the doctor's office is manned by humans that are not always 100% sure of what they are doing...

So, as we look inside of ourselves (reflecting on our vulnerabilities) and also at what our society has become, I wonder what the shift to a digital world has affected.  Certainly, the interaction between friends, relatives and even mates is different now that we have embraced smart phones and non-confrontational electronic social networking.  The world is becoming addicted to the always data-hungry digital media.  What effects will this have on society.  Facebook is stealing the innocence of our inner lives.  Is the use of Facebook "Zucking us up"?

It is bad enough that we have become dependent, but kids have never known different and have adjusted far to fast.  What have they lost having never known different ?

Perhaps there is still hope... 

Why Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $50,000 per month. 

Krikey

Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.