Big Bro-

If you ever had any doubts about the direction that this country is moving... read this story!  I may preach about smart phone privacy or cell phone provider privacy or Fleecebook privacy, but this story tells about a whole 'nuther level (maybe more than one) higher.  There won't be any secrets on electronic data.  This NSA center will be the most ever hacked system and has to have the most intelligent and stringent firewalls AND still be able to do what it was designed for....  You can be sure of absolutely one thing, though;  they are NOT telling you everything about it...

THIS HAS BEEN MY PLAN FOR YEARS
Are you worried your pension will run out?

You're a Senior Citizen and suddenly you fall ill.
After months of waiting, the Government says there is no nursing home
available for you,
Or you can pay thousands per month for Private Care - what do you do?

Enroll today for Senior Health Care Solution.
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets.

Go ahead and shoot two or three major scumbags of your choice and make the world a better place to live.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison for temp insanity.

However, once there you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head,
television with no license fee, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
New teeth? - No problem. Need glasses, New hip, knees, kidney, lungs,
heart? All Covered!
Bubba won't bother you - you are too old.

Your kids can still come and visit you as often as they do now.
But, I hear you ask, who will be paying for all of this? Well the answer is simple,
It’s the same Government that told you they cannot afford for you to go into a Nursing Home.
In addition, because you are a prisoner, you do not have to pay income tax any more!
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
No wonder the rest of the world’s population can’t get here fast enough!

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream and hope that you might one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!


TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It's TRUE!


Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, several extra strength large garbage bags and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!


Now follow the 40 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!

REMEMBER. This transformation will not be easy! It requires courage and determination! When the going gets tough, just keep thinking of the freedom and the excitement of the Redneck life that waits for you!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. The corporate environment is required.

Before you begin this exciting transformation, have a photograph taken of yourself as a well dressed yuppie executive. This is for comparison later!

Now, follow the instructions carefully:

1) We assume you are a dignified, impeccably-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.

If you are not dressed like this, or the equivalent, stop NOW and continue when you are.

As a successful executive you know that presentation is everything: perfect suit, shoes, hair, tie, car, home, teeth and briefcase. Well, it’s the same with rednecks – only in reverse.

FIRST, untie and remove mirror-shined high-powered handmade executive shoes. Peel off fancy business socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you. Until now, you have been told “The first thing people notice are your shoes!” From now on, SHOES ARE YOUR ENEMY!

(Note: This will work with all shoes worn by high-class executives and other professionals, including Johnston & Murphy wingtips and those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put those shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail!

You will be STRONGLY tempted to put those fancy city boy shoes back on your feet - resist this! It will soon become natural. You will soon REFUSE to wear shoes - it sounds impossible, but it's true! Have courage! Persevere!

If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to drag you off your hotshot corporate high horse in a hurry, and down into the redneck world! After this, you WON’T be able to get back on that corporate ladder! Trust us!

PROP BARE FEET ON POLISHED OFFICE DESK, WITH SOLES FACING OPEN OFFICE DOOR.

Yes, you read this correctly! It will be a challenge to everything you have been in the past! But remember: the life of a Bubba is calling you!

Do NOT remove bare feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

Suggest that well-dressed client and boss should kick off THEIR Italian wingtips and socks and that THEY would also be more comfortable barefoot.

5) Remove your monogrammed cufflinks and scratch the soles of your feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put the cufflinks back on.

6) Use your classy silk made-in-France necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use your silver tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put the tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

8) Eat lunch with a knife only. Wipe the dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Remember, you must UNLEARN all your good “businessman” manners! Forget all those lessons you learned in your uppity prep school. Rednecks have a different code!

9) Reach under your suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. Scratch hard! Do this often.

10) Open a can of beer. Drink very rapidly and then belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on your business suit. Discarded silk business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile the empty cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in your mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit.

Those shiny shoes you took off may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! Return to garbage can when finished! See Step #3.

13) Now it is time to get rid of all the rest of those yuppie clothes you’re wearing. This will be very difficult. Until now this has been your uniform! Not anymore! For you are now a redneck!

14) Untie and remove your dapper, natty silk necktie. Neckties belong to the white-collar world you are leaving! What do you need a necktie for? You’re a Bubba now! You’re free! Drop it in the garbage.

15) Now, take off all that stupid jewelry and extra useless stuff that hotshot businessmen wear: unfasten and remove your gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck the pocket square from your suit, unfasten your tiepin, unbutton and pull out your suspenders. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

16) Slide your Rolex watch off your wrist. Rednecks do NOT wear wristwatches of any kind! Throw it out NOW! You will keep looking at your wrist for a while, but soon you won’t care what time it is.

14) Now the suit: ultimate symbol of corporate success, but also an obstacle to bubbahood! Strip off that expensive tailored Italian business suit, the crisply starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss ALL items in the garbage can. Do NOT carefully fold that suit. Just dump it in the garbage.

Note: Removal of that beautiful hand-tailored business suit will be TRAUMATIC for the uppity, high and mighty upper class businessman you have been until now. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for a shock to your system.

15) Shred all the contents of your briefcase. Add the briefcase, your cell phone, Ipod and day-timer to the garbage can.

16) Cut up all business and credit cards, without exception, and throw away your wallet.

17) Cut up your Ivy League and and other prestigious college degree. Also, destroy all evidence of professional accomplishments and success. You will NOT need them!

18) Put on overalls. Walk around in them to get used to your new look. Take pride in your redneck identity!

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. Let your jaw go slack.

20) Cancel subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit that high-paying prestigious white-collar job immediately and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Now prepare yourself: Those nice white businessman teeth of yours will have to go. Have you seen a redneck’s teeth? Make appointment with a dentist. Have the two front top teeth removed. Chip all other teeth and stain yellow with tobacco juice.

23) We have more news for you: Your hair has to go as well. That thick head of carefully groomed, neatly parted executive hair just won’t fit with the redneck world. Just think of the joys of the redneck world that await! Make appointment with a surgeon. Have all hair on the top of your head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. Have a unibrow added.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week using blunt razor. Be careful to leave a scraggly beard at ALL times. That clean-shaven look you have now goes well with a boardroom – but not for a Bubba!

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. You’re used to daily showers. Forget it.

26) Begin an intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell your Porsche. No redneck drives a fancy foreign car!

28) Buy a used, rusty and very old pickup.

29) Sell your condo.

30) Sell all of your furniture.

31) Sell all of your executive sports equipment.

32) Start growing a beer gut. Yes, you MUST gain weight! Do NOT exercise at all while doing this. Eat large amounts of fatty foods. Add at least 40 pounds to your stomach. Say goodbye to that dapper, trim executive image and be free!

33) Buy a dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

34) Give or throw away ALL your remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including that Burberry tuxedo and overcoat and those patent leather pumps you wore to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained. The clothes of a wealthy executive will have no place in your new life! Bubbas DO NOT wear tuxedos! And that tux won’t fit over your new beer gut!

35) Sell your stocks, bonds and ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL ASSSETS.

36) Give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money. You are now officially below the poverty line and will remain there.

37) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

38) Find a wrecked car and leave it in front of your shack.

39) Have your name changed legally from "William" or "Andrew" or "Timothy" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".

40) Now - have a photograph taken of yourself as a Bubba. Compare with earlier photograph! We are so sure you will be satisfied we will refund your money if you are not!

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

Hi y'all...muh name id's Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me... Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then there's my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It's hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

That's the END OF MUH FAMEILY!

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

Wasted studio monies...

Last Saturday evening, we had free passes to see "The Hunger Games".  I probably wouldn't have, if I had to pay.  I had not heard of these books previous to them making a movie.  So what was our reactions to the movie?  For one, it was way too long.  There were many areas where portions could have been left out and it would not have detracted from the storyline.  The capital officials were hokey, ridiculously dressed and (purposely) infantile.  While the story has obvious Roman roots that are pushed into technological futuristic settings; the story was non-nonsensical.  If there were a holocaust that caused major death and destruction, as well as a shortage of food- why would the "government" be sanctioning or even sponsoring a killing contest?  It would seem that a better choice would be to limit the number of births.  Jennifer Lawrence fit the part so well because it was almost the same character that she played in "Winter's Bone".  I like her as an actress, but this story is being touted as the next Harry Potter- I think not.  It is making lots of money, but it does not have the same mass-appeal.  It was lucky enough to be brought to the theaters with very little competition- and therefore had very little effort to "whomp" them.  I would heartily recommend it to some hormone ridden sixteen year old, as that must be the focus audience.

On Sunday, we rented Tower Heist. Small portions of the story were funny.  Small portions of the movie were believable.  Most of it was really bad.  Why do they make nonsensical crap like this?  Don't they even test it in front of an audience before release ?? Is it just that the studios will make a movie about anything, and throw their money away, or are they just plain stupid?

Deep breath please
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.

The (Im)Possible...

The impossible is becoming possible.  The future that you thought would not come in your lifetime is coming sooner than you thought.  Singularity Hub is here to tell you about it. 

I've been telling you for years now; there is no way that Facebook (i.e. Fleecebook) and Google and you cell phone server can make the kind of money that they do unless they mine your dutifully supplied private information AND sell it!  You are the product!  And you supply yourself so freely for just a smidgen of high tech and convenience.  Amazing that society is being raped, and they barely bat an eye!



Polls have revealed that people are concerned about privacy and losing their identity, at least in California.  It is kind of being concerned about whether the cows will come home, after the barn door is open.  The laws regarding our safety have not yet been totally enacted and therefore the perpetrators will make as much money as they can by raping the public's private information until then.  The only safe way to proceed is to opt out of online social networking and smart(?) phones until they are safe.

THE LAWS
1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Playing or Winning?

The net is flooded with "What if I win the Mega Lottery" stories.  How to win, what to use the money for, how to remain anonymous, etc.  It is really amazing when you think that the prize is usually about twelve million.  That is about what people usually get when the share the big prizes.  Why is is so important to play when the prize is large.  Theoretically, there is less chance at winning it all, than winning at all.  It is beyond me.
We have to keep in mind though, that we are getting our money's worth on the ticket purchases because the fee we pay to buy them is a "dream" fee.  If we were to win, then the dream comes true...  I'll let you all know if (and when) I win...

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.

What would we do ??

Have you ever thought what you would do if you won a Lottery?  We'd all like to think that we would give a chunk to charity, 1) to feel good about giving back and 2) to get the deduction on taxes.  We'd like to think that the money would do more at the charity instead of the IRS.  So suppose I win.  They hand me a check for an ungodly amount of money.  Where do I put it ?  If I go into a bank, I would have to open umpteen accounts to put it in, so that I wouldn't go over the insured amount for each account.  A hassle.  There would be press following me to get the story and probably take my picture handing over the check or signing it.  This is publicity that I don't need.  It would fuel untold amounts of hounds coming after their prey, my money- some fora good purposes, some as scams.  So I guess, I would have to hire a lawyer and perhaps an accountant, and an investment counselor, and on and on...  So basically, look how lucky I have been so far because I haven't won!  Remember to buy your ticket early, so that you get your "dream's worth", because that is why you REALLY buy the ticket...

So since Canada has just discontinued the penny because of the cost,  I wonder how long we will continue making ours.  I do have two questions, though:  1) Why do we continue making out of copper and zinc when it costs so much.  Why don't them make it out of aluminum, since that is very cheap and vending machines for pennies are long gone?  2) One of the reasons we have to make so many pennies (and actually all coins), is because people either put their change into a jar (hoard) instead of spending it, or coin collectors save coins because of their design and date.  Why do we put a date on coins?  Why do we change the design, ever ?  These are NOT  commemorations of famous people or events, they are (pragmatically speaking) a form of barter.  I give you so many coins for a service or a product.  You might say, why not eliminate the penny?  Well, the gubmint would save the cost of making them, but we will suffer higher prices on almost everything.  There is no way that any price that ends in nine, will be rounded down.  EVERYTHING will be rounded up!

 

41 Questions That Make You Think
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?

6. How did a fool and his money get together?

7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

10. What's another word for thesaurus?

11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?

18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

29. Is it possible to be totally partial?

30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?

33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

You MUST play to have any chance at winning!

Well the Mega lottery has now reached half a BILLION bucks.  Honestly, the odds are so poor to win the lottery, that basically you barely have a better chance if you buy a ticket, over not.  Many people believe it is a scam.  I couldn't agree more that if you cannot afford to lose, don't play.  The real bottom line, though, is that someone eventually wins.  If I have to play for ten weeks and then win, I only had a ten dollar investment.  Buying one ticket, severely increases my chance of winning.  Buying more, degrades my chances with each ticket I buy.  I have more possible wins, but my chances at each one goes down.  Well, really, the chances are so bad against winning, that more than one ticket probably won't make a measurable difference.  Not playing, will, however make a measurable difference.  So, since someone is going to win, it might as well be me...

Quick fact of the day: Light travels from the Sun to the Earth in about 8 minutes and 19 seconds. While it only takes 8 minutes and 19 seconds for the light from the surface of the sun to reach us, it actually takes about 10,000-170,000 years for a photon to travel from the core of the sun to the surface.

Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good
morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a
beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....on the couch....naked.

Evolution

Are you smarter than a 16 year old?

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Tacos by Drone?

Has all hope been abandoned in the formerly (G)OP?  I, for one, have always voted for whomever I thought was the best candidate for the job- irregardless of party.  At this juncture, though, I find that I can no longer be associated with the Republican party.  While I still hold some beliefs that I thought were truly conservative, the current party is a mess.  I have re-registered with another party AND still will vote for the best candidate for the job.  I urge you all to do the same.

A sign of things to come, but I don't believe that they will be welcome.  Can you just imagine putting in a Taco order on your so-called smart phone and then waiting for them to be delivered- by DRONE! Last night there was a program on TV that had a group of police using a drone to spy into someone's second story bedroom.  One has to draw the line somewhere.....

Feed the Cat

Reasoning
Ever had something happen to you that in a flash of the eye changed your outlook on life forever?

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me. The
light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat on my bike thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.

New wine for Seniors:
Just Came On The Market
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it! 

Double Standard

Think about this... After reading the headlines about the US soldier who shot up Afghanistan civilians, I couldn’t help noticing an all-too-repetitive irony. There is all this clamor to try this guy quickly and execute him, never mind his having suffered a traumatic brain injury.

Yet, another soldier, Major Hasan, who shot up Fort Hood while screaming Allah Akbar, still hasn’t stood trial, and they are still debating whether he was insane, even with the clear evidence regarding his motive: slay as many infidels as possible.

So we have a guy in a war zone who cracks, and he must be executed immediately. But this Muslim psychiatrist who was stateside in a nice safe office all day murders 13, wounds 29 of our own guys, and they try to argue the poor lad suffered post-traumatic stress syndrome, from listening to real soldiers who had actual battle experience.

Two and a half years later, they still haven’t tried the murderous bastard.

Why do we have this double standard?  Are we bowing to the potential threat of more terrorist violence?

The following are 40 weird facts about the United States that are almost too crazy to believe….

#1 The highest point in the state of Florida is only 345 feet (115 yards) above sea level.

#2 Today, 66 percent of all Americans are considered to be overweight.

#3 The state of Alaska is 429 times larger than the state of Rhode Island is. But Rhode Island has a significantly larger population than Alaska does.

#4 The average supermarket in the United States wastes about 3,000 pounds of food each year.

#5 Approximately 48 percent of all Americans are currently either considered to be “low income” or are living in poverty.

#6 Alaska has a longer coastline than all of the other 49 U.S. states put together.

#7 In the UK, an average of about $3,500 is spent on healthcare per person each year. In the United States, an average of about $8,500 is spent on healthcare per person each year.

#8 Montana has three times as many cows as it does people.

#9 The average U.S. citizen drinks the equivalent of more than 600 sodas each year.

#10 The only place in the United States where coffee is grown commercially is in Hawaii.

#11 The United States has 845 motor vehicles for every 1,000 people. Japan only has 593 for every 1,000 people and Germany only has 540 for every 1,000 people.

#12 The grizzly bear is the official state animal of California. But no grizzly bears have been seen there since 1922.

#13 For many years it was the other way around, but today a majority of all Americans (including Pat Robertson) actually support the legalization of marijuana.

#14 Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital.

#15 In the middle of the last century, the United States was #1 in the world in GDP per capita. Today, the United States is #13 in GDP per capita.

#16 Today, approximately 25 million American adults are living with their parents.

#17 One survey found that 25 percent of all employees that have Internet access in the United States visit pornography websites while they are at work.

#18 In 2011, our trade deficit with China was more than 49,000 times larger than it was back in 1985.

#19 One out of every seven Americans has at least 10 credit cards.

#20 The city of Juneau, Alaska is about 3,000 square miles large. It is actually bigger than the entire state of Delaware.

#21 The United States puts a higher percentage of its population in prison than any other nation on earth does.

#22 There are more unemployed workers in the United States than there are people living in the entire nation of Greece.

#23 The original name of the city of Atlanta was “Terminus“.

#24 Sadly, more than 52 percent of all children that live in Cleveland, Ohio are living in poverty.

#25 The median price of a home in the city of Detroit is now about $6000.

#26 Back in 1950, more than 80 percent of all men in the United States had jobs. Today, less than 65 percent of all men in the United States have jobs.

#27 According to author Paul Osterman, about 20 percent of all U.S. adults are currently working jobs that pay poverty-level wages.

#28 According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, approximately 167,000 Americans have more than $200,000 of student loan debt.

#29 There are three towns in the United States that have the name “Santa Claus“.

#30 There are 313 million people living in the United States. 46 million of them are on food stamps.

#31 In the United States as a whole, one out of every four children is on food stamps.

#32 In 1940, 68.0% of all women in the 20 to 34 year old age group in the United States were married. In 2010, only 39.2% of women in that age group were married.

#33 The United States has a teen pregnancy rate of 22 percent - the highest in the world. New Zealand is number two at 14 percent.

#34 According to the CDC, there are 19 million new cases of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia in the United States every single year.

#35 The United States has the highest divorce rate on the globe by a wide margin. Puerto Rico is number two. Perhaps Puerto Rico really would fit in as the 51st state.

#36 More people have been diagnosed with mental disorders in the United States than in any other nation on earth.

#37 The United States has more government debt per capita than Greece, Portugal, Italy, Ireland or Spain.

#38 If Bill Gates gave every single penny of his fortune to the U.S. government, it would only cover the U.S. budget deficit for about 15 days.

#39 The U.S. national debt is now more than 22 times larger than it was when Jimmy Carter became president.

#40 It took from the founding of the nation until 1981 for the U.S. national debt to cross the one trillion dollar mark. Today, our national debt is well over 15 trillion dollars and we add more than a trillion dollars to our debt every single year.

The 25 Meanest things men have said...
1. "Michael Jackson's album was only called Bad because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic." —Prince

2. "He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair." —Boy George, on Prince

3. "He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner." —Johnny Carson, on Chevy Chase

4. "All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it." —Lyndon Johnson, on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

5. "The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead." —Samuel Goldwyn, on Louis B. Mayer

6. "People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable." —P.J. O'Rourke

7. "Armaments, universal debt, and planned obsolescence--those are the three pillars of Western prosperity." —Aldous Huxley

8. "The only thing dumber than a pitcher is two pitchers." —Ted Williams

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' " —Emo Philips

10. "He has so many fishhooks in his nose, he looks like a piece of bait." —Bob Costas, on Dennis Rodman

11. "If you're going to spit at me, make sure you hit me in the face. Don't be wasting my time." —Dennis Rodman

12. "If I had a hammer, I'd use it on Peter, Paul, and Mary." —Howard Rosenberg

13. "Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking." —Rupert Hughes

14. "He walks as if he had fouled his small clothes and looks as if he smelt it." —Christopher Smart, on the poet Thomas Gray

15. "I couldn't warm to him even if I was cremated next to him." —Keith Richards, on Chuck Berry

16. "I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go onstage and look young." —Elton John

17. "One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged." —Heinrich Heine

18. "She not only kept her figure, she's added so much to it." —Bob Fosse

19. "Love is two minutes, 52 seconds of squishing noises." —Johnny Rotten

20. "Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses." —H.L. Mencken

21. "Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper." —Friedrich Nietzsche

22. "You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart." —Fred Allen

23. "Life is a cement trampoline." —Howard Nordberg

24. "He would sell you a rat's asshole for a wedding ring." —Tom Waits, on singer/songwriter Chuck E. Weiss

25. "Start every day with a smile and get it over with." —W.C. Fields

"Trash Society": Simplified

I wanted to use a pair of my headphones on a computer at work, so I brought them in and plugged them in to my tower computer (sitting on the floor).  Obviously, the cable was too short.  I remembered that I had a cable at home for extending the distance to speakers on my home computer.  When I looked at it, it had two male ends which was what was necessary for the speaker use.  For the headphones, I needed one female and one male.  No problem, I thought.  I'll just go to a local store and buy an adapter- how much could it cost?  First stop was Staple's.  I looked at the shelves and found a two-male ended extension cable with a female adapter.  This would work for any application- but it was $15! Ridiculous! I found someone there with a badge on that claims a paycheck every other week and asked for just the adapter.  He claimed that they didn't sell it alone- and pushed the $15 solution...no way.
Next stop was Best Buy.  I wasn't sure where in the store the audio cables were, so I asked. I was sent to the iPod section.  I thought that I had found the correct adapter, but then I was told (when I asked the price, because there wasn't a "location" for it on the shelf) that it was the wrong size on the female side.  I asked for more help, and got someone overqualified that obviously was not happy with his job there- because it was "under" his standard.  He directed me to a whole new location on the other side of the store.  There, once again, I could not find an adapter, but just another extension cable- this one female on one end.  It was marked on the shelf at $9.99.  I guessed that with the price of gasoline, this was a better solution that traipsing down to Radio Shack (which I hate now) or somewhere else.  I took it to the register and it rang up as $4.99!  I guessed that ALL of them on that shelf were in the wrong place.  I didn't bring it up to the cashier.  I figured that it was their problem if the price was in the barcode database incorrectly, as long as it was in my favor.  I got the extension (which I didn't really need) and the female end for about what the adapter would cost.  Now I still have a cable that I can't use.
My point here is that there is a trend which I dislike.  The chain stores like Home Depot and Lowe's sell packages of screws or bolts, usually one or two more than I need, but I cannot find them when I need them.  This forces me to buy more.  The local privately-owned hardware store sells screws and bolts per each.  The chain stores like Staple's and Best Buy are forcing people into the same trend, where they buy a solution, but it always leaves some already-owned accessories left over.
Good thing there is always more room in my junk drawers at home.  Unfortunately, what I want is never where I look- even though I know I've got what I want somewhere.....We have turned into a trash society that is made up of products designed to be used ONLY once!  The solution to MY problem does not match the solution that they are selling anymore...

Splinters:
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management" before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but they turned you down."

SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her. 

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the
sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing

FREE  KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

“Hi there little girl, I’m President Obama. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said.

“How old are they?” asked Obama.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, Their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
 
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
 
 “Democrats,” answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of   “FREE KITTENS,”

When another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo

And walked over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” he said, I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re Republicans.”

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, “But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know.   But today, they have their eyes open.”

Alfred Hitchcock was a sweetie too.

Alfred used to tell people "I have the heart of a small boy.
It's kept in my desk drawer".

The Green Thing...

I received this story in an email recently.  It is so true...

The Green Thing...

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to
go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
AMEN.

In case you forgot about the Singularity- here is a reminder....  It is getting closer and closer.

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America , the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN ."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran , and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Different
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

Panda Poop vs. Civet Droppings

Under the category of, GIVE ME A BREAK..... So not to be outdone by the "world's most expensive coffee" title, which was given to beans partially digested by a civet ($600 per pound), there is now available "world's most expensive tea"- which is tea($3500 for 50 grams or about one and three quarters ounces) grown in soil that has been fertilized with Panda poop.  All that I can say is yuk, on both accounts....




Even more so: GIVE ME AN EVEN BIGGER BREAK...Romney has now claimed that Bush saved us from depression...  Getting us into two wars that we could not afford to be in has drained this country to the state we are in today.  Bush left the economy in shambles as well as giving Wall Street a free unshackled ride which also drained us of money, homes and jobs.  That is the way that Obama inherited it. It only takes a fourth grade education to see that that is true... even though most people don't want to admit it.

How to hunt for Elephants...
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
   1. Catch each animal seen.
   2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
   3. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query:

   SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS 
   2 WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL' 
   3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE' 
   4 AND COLOR = 'GRAY' 
   5 AND TRUNK ='YES' 
   6 AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if some one else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will:

1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
GRADUATE STUDENTS don't hunt elephants, but they sure enjoy driving around in jeeps.

Internet Dropout

Sunday night I decided to give my wireless router one more chance to stop dropping the internet connection at my house.  I burned a new set of firmware onto it that I loaded from their support site.  Note, I am not badmouthing the manufacturer by revealing it's name. Consequently, it did no good.  Considering it was rainy all weekend, this was a great time to try to fix the "intermittent internet" issue.  After only about a year and a half of use, it was time to give it a new moniker, "boat anchor".  A "boat anchor" with an expired one year warranty.
Visiting the local Best Buy, there were only two brands that I would consider, the one I was replacing and NetGear.  The others are the ones that always get returned.  The one I was replacing required a load from a CD and then a search for any firmware or driver updates and re-loading, if necessary before starting.  The new one contained all the software (i.e. drivers and configuration and monitoring software and firmware), that was needed.  Just hook it up, apply power and access it through a browser- and away you go.  How simple could that be?  It has a lot of features that will give me some "future" with this unit, given that it lasts.  This unit has a lifetime warranty.  Lifetime is a long time, but it means that they don't expect it to fail, at least not three months after the warranty expires.  This unit has dual frequencies and uses N level protocols and is doubly encrypted.  Can't ask for more, so far....  and we are no longer being dropped off the internet!

THIS IS NOT ME!

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."

Five secrets to a successful relationship
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Good Advice:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Sometimes I wish I had gas...

Like Heinlein's The Door into Summer, with our late cold snap of a storm, the cat is making her rounds to each window to look for some sun.  It is now almost 11:00 on Sunday and I am wearing a jacket in the house.  The sun is intermittently shining outside, but not enough to warm the inside of the house.  We are reluctant to turn on the heat to warm the whole house for just us.  The dog uses his nose and gets under his blanky, without his face even showing.  We have to be careful not to sit on anything, 'cause it might move.

Gas is still going up, but it hasn't reached $5.00 a gallon yet.  When that happens, I will be walking to work and back.  My wife suggests that I get a scooter, but I don't believe that the risk is worth it.  At least if I walk or ride a bike, I can be on the sidewalk (walking the bike) in the high-traffic areas.  We shall see...

I am really concerned about my elderly parents who are living in Michigan... I just got off the phone with my father who is up north right now at his little cottage. He said that the snow is nearly waist high. The temperature is at minus 10 degrees and the snow is still dropping... The wind is increasing to near gale force. Even the plows are having a hard time getting around, some trees are down too. The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the highway. He said my mom has done nothing but look through the window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

An old man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Good. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."