Fruition After Much Pain...

Note that there have not been any entries this week, as the anxiety and stress level at my house has been way in the red zone....


Without yet getting into the details that got us to that point, let me just say that I visited Disneyland for the first time in twelve years as a belated birthday gift to my daughter; I spent four hours in traffic court supporting my son, helped to get my daughter off to her semester abroad in Rome [this morning at 4:30 a.m.] and my hot water heater went out last evening.  These things would cause us all to cry (if we were allowed), but they had to be dealt with, as only Disneyland was a choice.  The others; well let me say that there are many of Murphy's Laws being enforced here- none of which has caused us to win the Lottery - or even feel that we are getting an even break!


Now for the details:
We drove down to Anaheim, in record time of ninety minutes, down Interstate 5 last Saturday to spend the night in a motel adjacent to Disneyland.  I like to be present when they open the doors at the park.  Previously, we left our car at the motel and walked across the street to catch the shuttle to the ticket counters. Much has changed.  The motel now charges eight dollars a day to park.  That wasn't so bad, but if it is parked before three p.m. and stays parked after 3 p.m., then it is $24.  If it is parked after 3 p.m., then the $8 dollar price is used.  The park charges $15 to park, so we opted for that.
Previously, I entered off Harbor Boulevard into a large parking lot.  Much has changed.  That parking lot is now the California Adventure Park. So we opted to enter (with the car) on Disneyland Drive which allowed us to pass Downtown Disney (more about that later) on our way to the largest free-standing parking garage in the west that is not associated with a mall.  We parked and took the escalator down to a lower level where we caught the shuttle to the ticket counters. 

Now, these shuttles are new also, and about a block long.  The truck is a single seat, with a large compressed natural gas v-8 behind it.  It seems to pull a full train with ease, as it snakes around other vehicles and turns corners with ease.


At the ticket counter, we met Brett, our oldest, who works for Disney Studios and has a "Cast member" ID which gets us all in for free, 20% off food, and 35% off purchases.  That all sounds great until you look at how much ticket prices have gone up to.  Our tickets were $99 each, which would have been $398 to enter the park, plus the $15 to park.  Perhaps Disney is making some money on this, or maybe not.  Much has changed.  Disneyland used to be where you could drop off your kids for an all day treat (for parents too), but it is too expensive for that now.  There are no gangs entering the park.  There are strict dress codes and they make you go through a metal detector and a pat down, as well as inspecting your bags.  No gang members can afford the price or the recognition if they are caught with something they shouldn't have. Score one for the rest of us.
Meanwhile, the park is much different, and yet strangely the same. Pirates of the Carri bean now has tributes to Captain Jack Sparrow. Toontown sucks, as there isn't anything worthwhile there anymore.  Small World was decorated for Christmas, and they were playing Jingle Bells in many languages, so I did not get an injection of "It's a Small World", that resurfaces like a rash for weeks on end! Many of the other rides were also upgraded and enjoyable as none of them had lines more than ten minutes long.  It was a cold and overcast day, too soon after the Christmas and Property Tax dates to warrant a large crowd.
Soon, we decided to jump to the other park, California Adventure.  We discovered that they are rebuilding about two thirds of that park because the demand was so low.  What was open, though, was very interesting.  The kids went on the Hollywood Tower of Terror ride and the Screamin' roller coaster (maglev driven) and loved them.   We all went on Soarin' over California and it was great.  The 4D show at the Bug's Life area is also not to be missed- very worthwhile, at least once.  All in all the parks were fun, especially when free. 
Not to be outdone, Disney also added Downtown Disney.  This is a copy of Knott's and Universal, as they have both had shopping areas outside their parks for years.  Here is where you can find many chain restaurants such as PF Chang's and Rainforest Cafe, as well as many stores that are accessible without going into the park.  A great idea, but still too far to walk from your local motel- so that means $15 to park...


Traffic court was not fun, especially for four hours.  With the fine and conditions, my son now has had his eye opener and perhaps he will be more respectful to his PRIVILEGE to drive.


Well, we finally got to the day that Tori leaves.  This, of course, after sweating the Taxi driver and truck driver strike in Rome.  The school decided to provide a bus.  Enough said there. That morning, we couldn't get her suitcase closed, so I began pulling stuff out, and put a strap on the outside.  We got it closed, but even on my bathroom scale, it was overweight.  At my wife's insistence, Tori couldn't handle three suitcases at the airport, so we were stuck with two- a carry on and a large check-in.  We got up at 3:30 a.m. to get to the airport by 4:30 for a 5:30 flight.  I had figured that there would be an extra charge because of the over weight, but we wouldn't have to pay for the second one. At the check-in counter, the suitcase weighed 75 pounds.  The fee for an INTERNATIONAL flight was $400, and could have been as high as $1200.  What choice did we have at that point?  I paid the fee and Tori made it to her room at the convent in Rome by about eleven p.m., or 8:00 in the morning Friday in Rome.

The Convent Tori is Staying In

We received a phone call from Newark airport and an email from Rome that she arrived safely and her room is about 5x5 (I'm sure that that is an exaggeration), but she said that her bathroom was almost too small to turn around in.  The shower is not enclosed, but open to the rest of the bathroom, with a drain on the shower floor.  What a deal!


As for the hot water heater; it was only a bad thermocouple which amounted to a $65 visit from an HONEST plumber.  What was REALLY unfortunate is that Tori's last shower at home was ICE COLD!


Nuff said... we are looking forward to basking in the Santa Barbara sunshine and taking the couch for a drive this weekend, while we lick our wounds and feed them beer.

"USA Today reports today that in France they are having trouble translating the Internet terms into French. Apparently, there are no French words for 'surfing the net' or 'chat session' or 'hacker.' Of course there are a lot of other word that don't translate into French. 'Military victory,' 'deodorant,' 'please and thank you.'"

- Jay Leno

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

Senior Citizen Sayings

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care...

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... Absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .

I'm wondering... If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the storeroom. 

Phrases

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Words that should Exist

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

A Monetary Incentive is What It Takes

This is wonderful.  A monetary incentive not to use your cell phone when it would be rude.  Everyone at a table in a restaurant stacks their cell phone in the center of the table, face down.  If anyone reaches for it during the meal, they pay the whole bill!

Another Bat Chain Puller drops out.  Rick Perry made the announcement that he has given up pursuit of the nomination.  This is certainly a predictable bit of news.... Seems like the formerly(G)OP is making one big circle... I maintain that Milquetoasty Mitt is the only one that is electable...

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there's still no sign of the pooch.

"What did you write in the ad?" his wife asks.

"'Here, boy,'" he replies.  

Hark!

Stop the Merry-go-round, I want to get off...

Another Bat Chain Puller falls to the wayside as John Huntsman suspends his campaign.  The focus will get sharper with less potentials going for that nomination.  Perhaps "Milquetoasty" Mitt will become more sharpened and committed to what he says- NOT!


I am REALLY surprised that the sophistication of GPS may not have been available on the cruise ship that is sinking off the coast of Italy.  It seems that it would almost be impossible to run a ship aground given that  you know exactly where the ship is and have maps that show latitude and longitude of hazards.  I noticed that there has been no mention of the instrumentation that was available to the captain of that ship, and whether it was working correctly.  There is no excuse for his actions after going aground, but the actual accident may not be his fault.  We seem way to anxious to put the blame on him, even though he certainly deserves the major amount of it.


The world is moving way too fast.  The simple life has all but disappeared.  High technologies have only made it worse and there is no slowing down or stopping in sight.  How much of the "progress" can be attributed to greed?

 
How far away is the Singularity? Now they are making a movie about it.  Certainly it is too far gone to turn back, but exactly how far away is it ?

Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

· BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

· SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

· CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount,
leaving the top brass with clean hands.

· CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

· MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

· PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

· SITCOMs
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

· STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids,
no property and no regrets.

· STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

· SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

· TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
were just tourists."

· TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

· XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

· CHIPS & SALSA
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure
out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

· PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to
get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)

· SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die in the end.

· CLM
(Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-
advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM.

· ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

· DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

· 404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and
going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy
and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as
he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the
story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He
describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on
the seat, and...

"... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle
Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Kids Books You'll Never See

"You Were an Accident"

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Bi-Curious George"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

Daydreaming About Political Outcomes

I am currently experiencing a blockage on my writing.  I have been blinded by the stories found recently in the media.  Apparently they have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for filler.  That has made my task much more difficult...

The weather (up to 75 degrees) today got me daydreaming. What if Mr. Milquetoast won the nomination, and what if he won the presidency.  Do I REALLY believe that anything would change, for the better or worse ?  Have we forgotten that Bush and Clinton started the ball running to get us in this mess or sending our manufacturing overseas.  The ball is not going to stop based on who is in the White House.  Congress has much too much power to stop any progress in any direction.  The only way having a new president might make a difference is if we though all the bums in Congress out of office.  Unfortunately, they have fixed that issue too, as only half of them get elected at a time.

LeRoy's Hearing
Leroy goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.'

Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and Prays and Prays and Prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Leroy , how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday! 

Redneck Horoscope

OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over. 


CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of  life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. 


BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility. 

So, there are these two old guys, one 80 and one 87. They were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." 

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."

Is it a Win for Mr. Milquetoast or a Loss for the NOT-Romneys?

As I said before, Mr Milquetoast will win in New Hampshire.  I haven't figured out the NOT-Romneys yet though.  I was surprised that Ron Paul would get such a showing.  So "really" begins the election machine.  Does he have a chance against Obama?  One has to factor in the race issue, unfortunately.  Some voters won't vote for Obama if he was the only one running.  Romney will get those votes.  He will also get the votes of the unemployed.  Obama will continue to get the upper middle class vote, and the minorities.  I believe that Obama will still pull it off.  It is very difficult to unseat a president.  Romney would have a better chance in four years.  One factor that may have a larger impact, is if Obama gets Hillary to run as vice-president.  We shall see...

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UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry reveals the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man fluctuates, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest, while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected. 

HELL EXPLAINED 
The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

Even Less than Worthless Endorsement...

Let me see; if I was going to vote in the Republican primary- what would I wait for NOT?  How about Todd Palin's endorsement (Who the hell is that and what would his endorsement mean) ?  If only I was considering voting for someone that has even less credibility than Sara Palin, would Todd fit the bill?  We'd sure like to think that people that vote have half a brain, but frequently I am reminded that that is a rash assumption! Certainly, they have no more smarts that the Bat Chain Pullers that are running for office....


What ever happened to the formerly (G)OP ?

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Collections of Birds
aerie of eagles
aerie of hawks
ascension of larks
band of jays
bevy of doves
bevy of quail
bevy of swans
bouquet of pheasants (when flushed)
brace of ducks
brood of chickens
brood of chicks
brood of hens
brood of turkeys (immature)
building of rooks
bury of conies
cast of hawks
chain of bobolinks
charm of finches
charm of goldfinches
charm of hummingbirds
chattering of choughs
chattering of chicks
clamor of rooks
clutch of chicks
colony of gulls
colony of penguins
colony of vultures
company of parrots
congregation of birds
congregation of plovers
conspirancy of ravens
convocation of eagles
cote of doves
cover of coots
covey of pheasants (on the ground)
covey of ptarmigans
covey of grouse
covey of partridges
covey of quail
crèche of penguins
deceit of lapwings
descent of woodpeckers
dissimulation of birds
dole of doves
dule of turtledoves
dule of doves
exaltation of larks
fall of woodcocks
flight of birds
flight of cormorants
flight of doves
flight of pigeons
flight of swallows
flock of birds
flock of chickens
flock of ducks
flock of geese
flock of pigeons
flock of swifts
flock of turkeys
flush of ducks
gaggle of geese
hedge of herons
herd of curlews
herd of swans
host of sparrows
huddle of penguins
kettle of hawks
lamentation of swans
mob of emus
murder of crows
murmuration of starlings
muster of peacocks
muster of storks
mustering of storks
nest of pheasants
nide of pheasants (on the ground)
nye of pheasants (on the ground)
ostentation of peacocks
pack of grouse
paddling of ducks
parcel of penguins
parliament of rooks
parliament of owls
party of jays
peep of chickens
piteousness of doves
pitying of turtledoves
plump of wildfowl
plump or waterfowl
raft of wigeons
raft of ducks
rafter of turkeys
rookery of penguins
scold of jays
sedge of bitterns
sedge of cranes
sedge of herons
siege of bitterns
siege of cranes
siege of herons
skein of geese (in flight)
skein of goslings
sord of mallards
spring of teals
storytelling of crows
storytelling of ravens
storytelling of rooks
team of ducks
tidings of magpies
unkindness of ravens
volery of birds
wake of buzzards
walk of snipes
watch of nightingales
wedge of geese (flying in a 'V')
wedge of swans (flying in a 'V')
wing of plovers
wisdom of owls
wisp of snipes 

I have a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled me over as we were speeding through Missouri.
Hoping to get off with a warning, I tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," I said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?" 

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work? 

Is 2012 the year that we will get off the phone?  Have we been sucked in by the convenience or perturbed at the interruptions and time wasted? The gubmint is restricting phone use more and more; while driving, for example.  There are many public places that declare themselves cell phone free areas.
On the other hand, think of all the profits being made by phone companies and those that they sell your personal information to.  When will the public wake up? When will the gubmint put further restrictions on the amount and type of data that can be extracted from cell phones and their users?
Will the public be able to separate from their smart phones?  More and more applications are being adopted as "the norm".  Soon, it is probable that credit/debit cards won't exist as we know them now, but only on are cell phones.  Don't be surprised to find that other "manual" chores will soon be delegated to your cell phone...
Recently, I was required to give my cell phone number to a mortgager.  They were not happy when I lied that I didn't own one. 

So all these pictures and videos are surfacing about Casey Anthony; who cares?  She is getting way too much attention.  I do care that she probably killed her daughter and got away with it, but why are we emphasizing what she is doing? Why do we care?  A much better topic is why did she get off?  What did the prosecutor do wrong? What happened in the jury?  I think that there are much better questions that need answering.  Meanwhile, let Casey Anthony sit in her own poop.  Her life is a shambles and probably won't get any better, certainly, than she deserves.

To Pee or Not to Pee   
I have a job.  I work, they pay me.  I pay my taxes & the government  Distributes my taxes as it sees fit.  In order to get that paycheck, in my case,  I am required to pass a random urine test  (with which I have no problem).  What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes  To people who don't have to pass a urine test.  So, here is my question:  Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check  Because I have to pass one to earn it for them?  Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.  I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT ----doing drugs while I work.  Can you imagine how much money each state would save  If people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?  I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!  Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't.  Hope you all will pass it along, though.  Something has to change in this country - AND SOON!  P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!

Mr. Milquetoast and the Bat Chain Pullers

It is actually shocking to me that I've had so little to say lately.  With all the ruckus in Iowa, it is amazing.  Apparently I've already rendered my opinion of Mr. Milquetoast and the Bat Chain Pullers (sounds like a rock group name).  'Nuff said, except that there was a tremendous emphasis on what the Iowans had to say, when IMHO  it was extremely over-weighted.  By exactly how much is yet to be seen.  So far, the Not-Romneys have managed to each get their fifteen minutes of fame and then sink their own ship with there own words.  Perhaps Vermont will be more telling...

Last evening, we watched "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"- not the latest one, but the version from 2009 that was Danish(?) with English subtitles.  What a shocker.  I am surprised that that version did not get more attention.  It was well done.  Word has it, though, that the latest version (with Daniel Craig) is better still.  I guess we will find out.  This may prove to be the sleeper of the season, just like the Black Swan was.

A Thoughtful Scottish Husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. Are ye taking me tae the pub with yous?"

"Nay," Jock replied. "I'm switching the heating aff while I'm oot."