Stop the Merry-go-round, I want to get off...

Another Bat Chain Puller falls to the wayside as John Huntsman suspends his campaign.  The focus will get sharper with less potentials going for that nomination.  Perhaps "Milquetoasty" Mitt will become more sharpened and committed to what he says- NOT!


I am REALLY surprised that the sophistication of GPS may not have been available on the cruise ship that is sinking off the coast of Italy.  It seems that it would almost be impossible to run a ship aground given that  you know exactly where the ship is and have maps that show latitude and longitude of hazards.  I noticed that there has been no mention of the instrumentation that was available to the captain of that ship, and whether it was working correctly.  There is no excuse for his actions after going aground, but the actual accident may not be his fault.  We seem way to anxious to put the blame on him, even though he certainly deserves the major amount of it.


The world is moving way too fast.  The simple life has all but disappeared.  High technologies have only made it worse and there is no slowing down or stopping in sight.  How much of the "progress" can be attributed to greed?

 
How far away is the Singularity? Now they are making a movie about it.  Certainly it is too far gone to turn back, but exactly how far away is it ?

Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

· BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

· SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

· CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount,
leaving the top brass with clean hands.

· CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

· MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

· PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

· SITCOMs
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

· STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids,
no property and no regrets.

· STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

· SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

· TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
were just tourists."

· TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

· XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

· CHIPS & SALSA
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure
out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

· PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to
get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)

· SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die in the end.

· CLM
(Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-
advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM.

· ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

· DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

· 404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and
going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy
and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as
he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the
story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He
describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on
the seat, and...

"... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle
Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Kids Books You'll Never See

"You Were an Accident"

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Bi-Curious George"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

Daydreaming About Political Outcomes

I am currently experiencing a blockage on my writing.  I have been blinded by the stories found recently in the media.  Apparently they have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for filler.  That has made my task much more difficult...

The weather (up to 75 degrees) today got me daydreaming. What if Mr. Milquetoast won the nomination, and what if he won the presidency.  Do I REALLY believe that anything would change, for the better or worse ?  Have we forgotten that Bush and Clinton started the ball running to get us in this mess or sending our manufacturing overseas.  The ball is not going to stop based on who is in the White House.  Congress has much too much power to stop any progress in any direction.  The only way having a new president might make a difference is if we though all the bums in Congress out of office.  Unfortunately, they have fixed that issue too, as only half of them get elected at a time.

LeRoy's Hearing
Leroy goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.'

Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and Prays and Prays and Prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Leroy , how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday! 

Redneck Horoscope

OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over. 


CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of  life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. 


BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility. 

So, there are these two old guys, one 80 and one 87. They were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." 

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."

Is it a Win for Mr. Milquetoast or a Loss for the NOT-Romneys?

As I said before, Mr Milquetoast will win in New Hampshire.  I haven't figured out the NOT-Romneys yet though.  I was surprised that Ron Paul would get such a showing.  So "really" begins the election machine.  Does he have a chance against Obama?  One has to factor in the race issue, unfortunately.  Some voters won't vote for Obama if he was the only one running.  Romney will get those votes.  He will also get the votes of the unemployed.  Obama will continue to get the upper middle class vote, and the minorities.  I believe that Obama will still pull it off.  It is very difficult to unseat a president.  Romney would have a better chance in four years.  One factor that may have a larger impact, is if Obama gets Hillary to run as vice-president.  We shall see...

Email disclaimer

IMPORTANT: This email is for any daft bugger who cares to read
it. It may contain information that is confidential, privileged
or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem,
no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. By reading
this disclaimer, you have agreed to be bound to silence in
perpetuity. If you are not the intended recipient, any
dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an
irritating social faux pas. We may record and monitor telephone
calls to help improve customer service. Disclaimers on electronic
communications are worth the paper that they save and will have
no effect on subsequent litigation. Their raison d'etre is to
boost the ego of some dim-wit in Corporate Legal and give
employment to another wastrel in IT. They are also annoying. Like
chain letters but without the same degree of intellectual rigour.
Your e-mail is being held in a queue and will be dealt with
shortly after hell freezes over; please be assured that your
custom is invaluable to us. This email and any files transmitted
with it are confidential and solely for the use of the intended
recipient; my e-mail provider; your e-mail provider; GCHQ
Cheltenham [Semtex, post-office] and a few hundred hackers. It
may contain material protected by Statutory or Regulatory Law or
jokes deemed offensive to minority groups. Unless the word
absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere
other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or
grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
transmission of this email, although the tabby next door is
living on borrowed time, let me tell you. For your convenience,
we have slashed your car tyres. This email has been swept for all
known viruses, many unknown ones and the presence of the word
bollocks. This email remains the property of someone who can't
take it off you, doesn't know you've got it and doesn't
understand electronic documents. Your PC has been checked for
HIV, Hepatitis C, Hoof & Mouth and Yaws. Please return your IT
Director to the upright position and stow your computer in the
monitor in front of you. If you have received this email in
error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a
warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2
hours before icing. If you are not the intended recipient be
advised that you have received this email in error and must cut
your own head off with a sharpened teaspoon.

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry reveals the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man fluctuates, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest, while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected. 

HELL EXPLAINED 
The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

Even Less than Worthless Endorsement...

Let me see; if I was going to vote in the Republican primary- what would I wait for NOT?  How about Todd Palin's endorsement (Who the hell is that and what would his endorsement mean) ?  If only I was considering voting for someone that has even less credibility than Sara Palin, would Todd fit the bill?  We'd sure like to think that people that vote have half a brain, but frequently I am reminded that that is a rash assumption! Certainly, they have no more smarts that the Bat Chain Pullers that are running for office....


What ever happened to the formerly (G)OP ?

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Collections of Birds
aerie of eagles
aerie of hawks
ascension of larks
band of jays
bevy of doves
bevy of quail
bevy of swans
bouquet of pheasants (when flushed)
brace of ducks
brood of chickens
brood of chicks
brood of hens
brood of turkeys (immature)
building of rooks
bury of conies
cast of hawks
chain of bobolinks
charm of finches
charm of goldfinches
charm of hummingbirds
chattering of choughs
chattering of chicks
clamor of rooks
clutch of chicks
colony of gulls
colony of penguins
colony of vultures
company of parrots
congregation of birds
congregation of plovers
conspirancy of ravens
convocation of eagles
cote of doves
cover of coots
covey of pheasants (on the ground)
covey of ptarmigans
covey of grouse
covey of partridges
covey of quail
crèche of penguins
deceit of lapwings
descent of woodpeckers
dissimulation of birds
dole of doves
dule of turtledoves
dule of doves
exaltation of larks
fall of woodcocks
flight of birds
flight of cormorants
flight of doves
flight of pigeons
flight of swallows
flock of birds
flock of chickens
flock of ducks
flock of geese
flock of pigeons
flock of swifts
flock of turkeys
flush of ducks
gaggle of geese
hedge of herons
herd of curlews
herd of swans
host of sparrows
huddle of penguins
kettle of hawks
lamentation of swans
mob of emus
murder of crows
murmuration of starlings
muster of peacocks
muster of storks
mustering of storks
nest of pheasants
nide of pheasants (on the ground)
nye of pheasants (on the ground)
ostentation of peacocks
pack of grouse
paddling of ducks
parcel of penguins
parliament of rooks
parliament of owls
party of jays
peep of chickens
piteousness of doves
pitying of turtledoves
plump of wildfowl
plump or waterfowl
raft of wigeons
raft of ducks
rafter of turkeys
rookery of penguins
scold of jays
sedge of bitterns
sedge of cranes
sedge of herons
siege of bitterns
siege of cranes
siege of herons
skein of geese (in flight)
skein of goslings
sord of mallards
spring of teals
storytelling of crows
storytelling of ravens
storytelling of rooks
team of ducks
tidings of magpies
unkindness of ravens
volery of birds
wake of buzzards
walk of snipes
watch of nightingales
wedge of geese (flying in a 'V')
wedge of swans (flying in a 'V')
wing of plovers
wisdom of owls
wisp of snipes 

I have a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled me over as we were speeding through Missouri.
Hoping to get off with a warning, I tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," I said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?" 

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work? 

Is 2012 the year that we will get off the phone?  Have we been sucked in by the convenience or perturbed at the interruptions and time wasted? The gubmint is restricting phone use more and more; while driving, for example.  There are many public places that declare themselves cell phone free areas.
On the other hand, think of all the profits being made by phone companies and those that they sell your personal information to.  When will the public wake up? When will the gubmint put further restrictions on the amount and type of data that can be extracted from cell phones and their users?
Will the public be able to separate from their smart phones?  More and more applications are being adopted as "the norm".  Soon, it is probable that credit/debit cards won't exist as we know them now, but only on are cell phones.  Don't be surprised to find that other "manual" chores will soon be delegated to your cell phone...
Recently, I was required to give my cell phone number to a mortgager.  They were not happy when I lied that I didn't own one. 

So all these pictures and videos are surfacing about Casey Anthony; who cares?  She is getting way too much attention.  I do care that she probably killed her daughter and got away with it, but why are we emphasizing what she is doing? Why do we care?  A much better topic is why did she get off?  What did the prosecutor do wrong? What happened in the jury?  I think that there are much better questions that need answering.  Meanwhile, let Casey Anthony sit in her own poop.  Her life is a shambles and probably won't get any better, certainly, than she deserves.

To Pee or Not to Pee   
I have a job.  I work, they pay me.  I pay my taxes & the government  Distributes my taxes as it sees fit.  In order to get that paycheck, in my case,  I am required to pass a random urine test  (with which I have no problem).  What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes  To people who don't have to pass a urine test.  So, here is my question:  Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check  Because I have to pass one to earn it for them?  Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.  I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT ----doing drugs while I work.  Can you imagine how much money each state would save  If people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?  I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!  Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't.  Hope you all will pass it along, though.  Something has to change in this country - AND SOON!  P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!

Mr. Milquetoast and the Bat Chain Pullers

It is actually shocking to me that I've had so little to say lately.  With all the ruckus in Iowa, it is amazing.  Apparently I've already rendered my opinion of Mr. Milquetoast and the Bat Chain Pullers (sounds like a rock group name).  'Nuff said, except that there was a tremendous emphasis on what the Iowans had to say, when IMHO  it was extremely over-weighted.  By exactly how much is yet to be seen.  So far, the Not-Romneys have managed to each get their fifteen minutes of fame and then sink their own ship with there own words.  Perhaps Vermont will be more telling...

Last evening, we watched "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"- not the latest one, but the version from 2009 that was Danish(?) with English subtitles.  What a shocker.  I am surprised that that version did not get more attention.  It was well done.  Word has it, though, that the latest version (with Daniel Craig) is better still.  I guess we will find out.  This may prove to be the sleeper of the season, just like the Black Swan was.

A Thoughtful Scottish Husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. Are ye taking me tae the pub with yous?"

"Nay," Jock replied. "I'm switching the heating aff while I'm oot."

Well, the bat chain pullers are beginning to fall, as Michelle Bachmann suspends her campaign (couldn't happen to a nicer candidate).  I wonder who will be next?  And what is with the competition for Mr. Milquetoast (Mitt) ?  Santorum (don't look up his name in Webster's) is giving him some unexpected competition.  They will all fall soon, though.  IMHO Mr. Milquetoast is the only electable candidate from the formerly (G)OP.

Bravo for a new law that supposedly will make it easier to change banks and even will let you take your account number with you!  So many people are giving up on their banks (and maybe changing to credit unions) that even two major banks are charging $25 to close your accounts!  Most banks are so arrogant that they quickly  forget (conveniently) whose money it really is!  It used to be a pain to open new accounts, but these two banks are making it a pain to close your accounts.  If my bank did that to me, I would pay the fee just to not be associated with them anymore!

You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now you can!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, and six cases of beer. That's all you will need to start!

Now just follow the 25 simple steps.

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin, and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove high and mighty fancy executive shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so don't deceive yourself. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!

4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry and into the redneck world!

Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on. Use necktie to wipe nose. Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on business suit.

5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.

6) Place tobacco in mouth. Practice spitting stream of tobacco juice on to computer screen or on polished office floor or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit or those Brooks Brothers shoes.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See step #3

7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.

8) Strip off uppity expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and daytimer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

9) Put on overalls.

10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbageman or janitor or sling has in a diner.

12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

15) Bathe twice a week.

16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all NG endings from words - havin instead of having. Learn to yelp and woop and holler.

17) Sell Porsche.

18) Buy used pickup.

19) Sell condo.

20) Buy shotgun shack.

21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts and accessories.

22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to redneck charity. You will not need money.

23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss episodes.

24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

25) Have name changed legally from Mark or Andrew or Kevin to Cletus or Bubba or Jed. 

Competition is Healthy

Let me tell you that returning to work today, after being off for three weeks, is way overrated. A large percentage of the staff is still off and it is difficult to get anything done- if I was going to.

I recently wrote a letter to the Mayor of Goleta complaining about the monopoly that my ISP has over the city and the surrounding areas. I feel that it would be worthwhile to have competition, especially if it would use a different medium to provide the service. Currently, I access my internet content over cable-TV coaxial cable. There is sufficient noise and overload to consider moving to an all fiber-optic approach. There are several companies that offer that service, but not here. The response was that they were shut out of the competition for service supplier. Here is the letter that I received in return:

Dear Mr. Lapman:

Mayor Easton forwarded your below email to me and asked that I respond.I'm copying my response to our Administrative Services Director as well,as she may have additional and more specific information for you.

Nonetheless, based on my knowledge of the subject, let me provide a bit of background which may prove helpful.A number of years ago the Federal Communications Commission (FCC)strengthened the feds control over local cable television systems.

Similar to the federal regulation of telephone networks and cellular systems it was believed and determined that the entire country would best served by standard laws and regulations. While local jurisdictions like Goleta lost a good bit of local control, customers around the nation were guaranteed a certain level of service and migration to new technologies that may not have been achieved uniformly were it not for the FCC regulations. That is just a bit of context.

Cox does not have a monopoly with the City. We could indeed entertain other competitive franchises with other providers or could even provide the service ourselves. But there is a hitch. Cox owners the delivery system and is not required to share it. As a result, there would have to be a very large incentive for another company to invest millions and millions of dollars in infrastructure costs and then attempt to underbid the competition in order to get enough subscribers to make their investment worthwhile. I suspect that rarely happens, especially not in
these economic times. What provides the greatest competition for Cox,however, is the satellite system that Direct TV offers. Similarly, the internet, wireless systems, and streaming video is opening up new avenues for customers to choose from.

Our Administrative Services Director, Michelle Greene, may be able to provide facts about local rates over the past 10 years, but you should know that rates in Goleta have not risen that greatly, at least over the past 6 years that I'm aware of. The FCC limits how much say we have over rates, but we have been active in trying to hold Cox accountable and have them maintain competitive rates while continuing to expand and improve service levels.

I hope this information helps in some way. Please feel free to contact our offices if you would like to speak with Michelle further about this subject or receive a copy of our franchise agreement with Cox Cable.

Sincerely,

Dan Singer
City Manager
City of Goleta

It is obvious to me, after reading this letter, that no company will EVER come in to compete with Cox. It is a lost cause.... There also doesn't appear to be any INCENTIVE from the local government to stimulate some competition. One must also keep in mind that it is not only the content for which we pay, but the poor service. Cox also has no incentive to perform better or cheaper! My response the the city manager:

Thank you Mr. Singer.

Please let me remind you, though, that even though there is no incentive (without major investment) for an additional company to try to compete with Cox; there is also NO incentive for Cox to perform or offer better than they currently do (which is poor, by any measure).

You speak of streaming video, of which I have recently attempted in order to replace my Cable TV with, except the ONLY internet service provider that offers enough bandwidth and speed is also Cox. I have found that most of the time their service is not reliable enough to watch a two hour streamed video without interruption.

Please reconsider your (the city's) stand and encourage other companies to compete, whether by WiFi or fiber-optic or other means to rein in the poor performance and higher prices that we get from Cox. If you had the means and/or desire to poll the community, I would bet that half or more of the Cox subscribers would drop them cold, given the chance with another supplier.

Sincerely,

I'm not sure where this is going, but I don't think I have anything to lose. It sure does add to my frustration level, though.

I'm looking forward to some heavy competition between the bat chain pullers in Iowa tonight, too!

Definition of a gun collector:

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had an estimated 1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. His house also had a secret escape tunnel. My favorite quote from the television reporter was, "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache”. By Southern California standards, the man was assumed to be "mentally unstable." However, if the same guy lived...

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector”.

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called, "The neighborhood Go-To guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called, "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called, "an eligible bachelor".

And, in Texas,he’d be called, “a deer hunting buddy”. 

Finally Rid of 2011

Being that we were on call as chauffeurs on New Year's eve, our celebration was tempered way down.  After a nice dinner out, we went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Having been transferred to the Victorian era by the movie, the sets and photography were phenomenal.  The plot unwound ever so slowly and the action never stopped.  It was Downey and Law at their best!

True nature of tools:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coke across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shucks'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips Screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering our palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Hope you found this informative

Nostalgia...

I spend a lot of time seeking anamnesis. The simpler life (of the past) is truly what I would like to return to.  When politicians still based their campaign on "character".  When someone's "word" meant everything.  When marriages lasted at least a "coon's age" and even longer.  When you could actually work on your car, because it was mechanical and simple. When you could actually buy a car for less than a house costs in some places. Where foods were pure and unadulterated.  When an honest wage could still be earned and still support a family of four. When you could still buy "Made in America" goods. When you could still buy a book or rent a movie....


Those days are gone, I lament.  Gone, at least, where most (maybe all) of us continue to live.

A Heartwarming Story Of The Advances Of Women In Achieving
Equality Throughout The World..........

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

Ode To The New Year

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt - I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

New Year's Day Prayer for One and AllDear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen

New Year's Day: "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.  Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." - Mark Twain