Yay for the Resistance

It is nice to know that there are some resisters to Fleecebook.  It is not that they have anxiety over the security issues or their eroding identities.  It is REALLY a problem with TMI [Too Much Information].  They don't REALLY want to know about all the personal "crap" that people put on their Fleecebook pages.  They are having heartburn with the extra stuff that they have access to from subsequent level of "friend"ship.  I applaud!

Speaking of "Friend"ship, KLM Airlines is making available the means to check out your seatmates on their flights using Facebook and/or LinkedIn. I think that this is certain disaster.  It is bad enough to be ON a flight with someone that is pursuing your friendship (or more), but being stuck in the seat next to them means that there will be desperate people wanting to make last minute seat changes after they see who they are sitting next to.  The claim is that there might be some new members to the Mile High Club, but I REALLY believe that that is doubtful!

Too much data could be corrupting the inferences made about you by the information grabbed from your smart phone, your social media use, and even the websites that you visit (complements of your ISP).  As this data becomes to unwieldy, it is "filtered" in ways that may be detrimental to your identity.  Should we be concerned?  For sure. Can we do anything about it other than becoming a hermit and living off the land? Yes, limit your usage of these key areas for data gathering and, if possible, "anonymize" your access. Being incorrect on an inference is one of the worst kinds of censorship.  This could affect your credit, applications for jobs, friendships.... BEWARE!

Farts Away!

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.

Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.

Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few !

Greeting Cards You'll Never See

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me 

You totalled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That case of Bud Dry?

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?" 

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" 

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." 

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you." 

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." 

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." 

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." 

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!" 

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." 

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." 

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!" 

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." 

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." 

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." 

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Ever find out who the father is?" 

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." 

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep." 

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Alabama & Mississippi).

Why teachers drink...

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) 

"The poor film editor for the fishing shows. This guy has to watch all the footage that just wasn't exciting enough to make it into the final product."
- Brian Regan

Holiday Warning...

Please, take care of yourself.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.

Trade Balance = Jobs

You have all read about the groundwater being tinged by fracking chemicals in Wyoming, so these facts about fracking should come as no surprise.  This is a prime indication as to how the Bush Administration and the Oil companies are screwing the American public as well as wrecking our world AND especially our kid's world!

Don't we all think it is bad enough that China has bought up so much of American properties AND they are deceptive with their manufacturing practices (re: Coda), now they are counterfeiting the Underwriter Laboratories tag on exports.  Unknowing purchasers would be buying potential shock and fire risks believing that the stringent testing and evaluation had been done.Luckily, they were caught.  We NEED a trade balance here.  We can send all of our crappy imitation sub-quality products to China in exchange for theirs.  We'll see how they feel!


So now it appears as though AT&T is throwing in the towel on its T-Mobile deal, to try and find another way to skin-the-cat.  Why is it that I could figure out the solution in only a few minutes?  Everyone, including the justice department, are concerned that they will become more monopolistic when there is less competition and raise prices as they can.  AT&T hasn't offered to GUARANTEE lower prices by making those levels part of the agreement with the justice department.  Why not make a deal where prices are held constant for (say) five years or even better, put the ACTUAL prices in the deal.

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice:
"Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point. 

Things to Ponder
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

A Plugged Craw!

It was a really busy weekend.  The Christmas rush is now official, as it doesn't start until after my daughter's birthday on the 11th.  This year is very special as she turned twenty-one.  She is in the midst of finals week, but found time to have breakfast with us on Sunday.  We picked her up and a few of her friends and had a little party at the restaurant.  It was special to all of us.
The decorations to the house are moving in full force (at least on the inside).  The weather did not cooperate for getting the lights up outside, so far.  I am too much of a Californian to put up lights in the rain.

Meanwhile, this article from the LA Times stuck in my craw:  Can you imagine how arrogant the Chinese have become?  I believe that they feel that Americans are chumps and we'll buy anything- even crap- and then we'll dispose of it and buy it again.  Hopefully the unwary American public will take note of this issue and strive to buy American made goods.  Remember, even though I own two Hondas; they are manufactured in the US by American workers.
Considering the problems that the Volt has had, perhaps we should have given them the technology and moved on.  I hope the Coda (in America)falls flat on their keister!

Actual Band Names

Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following
names are taken:

[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken

[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara's Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady's Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d'Amour

[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan

[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler's Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie's Mouse

[ i ]
· Inhale Mary

[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah's Waitresses
· Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan's Knees

[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God

[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl's Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration

[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan's Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock

[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We're Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies

[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow's Head

[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
· Yoko Homo

[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress

Convenience?

 

QR codes don't appear to be catching on as fast as they thought they would, which is good.  If people REALLY knew what happens when you use them, they wouldn't.  I guess nobody ever explained what they are for, how to use them, and why anybody would.  Hurry for marketing-  this you really blew it on.  If it weren't for the nasty side effects, this is a good idea.  A particular favorite of mine is the application where a QR code is on a realty sign in front of a house for sale.  The code is scanned putting all the pertinent specifications about the property on your smart phone, as well as pictures or video of the inside.  This saves all the parties involved the time necessary for a tour- especially if one is NOT needed after seeing the info on the smart phone.  Unfortunately, the use of it grabs your smart phone number (an who knows what else), so the agent can call you back at his convenience- like at dinnertime!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the beltway outside Washington DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

The Gingrich that Stole Congress
(With Apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrich, who simply did NOT!

He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!

The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,
He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.

He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!

He hated the way they had no jobs at all!
This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL!
They also lacked training and day care. So what?
The Gingrich announced he'd come up with a plot:
"Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"

Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
It could be because he was built like a weenie.
It could be because he had Donahue hair,
Or maybe because not much lurked under there.

But probably what most explained the man's life
Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.
Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
Sickened with cancer, in hospital bed.
He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"

He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
And got down to work on his alimony deal.
And while she was whimpering he said, "By the way,
I'm leaving for somebody younger - hooray!!"

The Gingrich's heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.

Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
Tax-slashers!| That's what those "Normal" folks lov!
He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!

He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A Doberman Pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
"Boy!" said the Gingrich, "We're gonna whip tush!"

They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.
They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"

Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!

The next day the Gingrich sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.

He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etc.,

He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.
The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!
We want all those costly old programs we had!

Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"

And the Gingrich sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.
They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all - they just didn't want to pay!

And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.

The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
"Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.
The Gingrich and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.

"Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"

The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...
And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.