Turkey Bingo

       

Last night we attended our yearly venture to play Turkey Bingo.  It starts with us visiting the Vineyard Restaurant in Santa Ynez.  We arrive early because we have to be at the Veteran's Hall in Solvang by 5:45.  The owner of the restaurant waits on us as usual.  He is a funny fellow with a dry wit.  The food is wonderful and varied or we wouldn't return each year.  
After early dinner we rush to the Veteran's Hall where people are already gathering and choosing their play cards.  We get comfortable (as well as you can on folding chairs) for the long evening of play.
Turkey Bingo started 97 years ago in the Santa Ynez Valley.  The prize was still a turkey, but then they were live!  A winner would either put the turkey in a burlap sack and put it under the table while continuing to play, or tie it to the table leg.  Either way, the turkey was soon nipping at your feet or legs.
The best part of the evening was  not the winning, nor the yelling BINGO, but rather the immense interest and joy that every child there got from playing and winning.  Each would quickly carry their card to the stage to get checked, and then most of them would get their trophy turkey (now frozen) and parade back to their seat.  It was fun just to be there and to observe.   This is what kids in a farm/ranch community do for fun!
The table that I sat at had winners.  There were seven turkey brought home that night.  I didn't win and neither did Jeff sitting across from me, but almost everyone else did.  What fun.

A Montana cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon
A gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked
him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago . . . ."

The Week's Events

I've tried to come up with some comments about the week's events, that were meaningful.  I guess the word that best describes the week's evens would be "predictable".  

It was expected that Michael Jackson's doctor would be found guilty.  It was expected that Perry would insert his foot into his mouth thereby dooming his campaign by a few more notches.  It was expected that Greece and Italy would have to reboot their government. It was even expected that all of those events would have detrimental effects on the market.  

There is only one reason why that happens.  Someone is making just as much money when the market turns down as when it goes up.  Shades of legalized gambling, if you ask me.

I feel, like many others, that we have been taken advantage by Wall Street, big businesses and the gubmint.  Our system sucks, but fortunately, it sucks less than other systems.

I would really like to restrict myself to buy only American goods and support the American working force.  Here is one of the problems with that plan: Our finances have been raped so many times, all we can afford is the best bargain- which probably won't be the American one. Secondly, American goods are very difficult to identify and may not be available.

We are left with the obvious, which is to make the best of it that we can and try to be content in believing that others have it worse...

The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
 

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Redneck Jedi

You know you're a redneck jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." 

Don't have too much fun tonight

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome? I said no.

So we drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom you still awake?" 

 

Isn't Our Stock Market Ours ?

I am BLOWN AWAY by the effect that the Greek or Italian economy has on our stock market.  All those trades for the sell offs are making somebody a lot of money.  Any supposition of any event seems to cause way too much to happen in our stock market.  Consequently, my 401K (really 201 or less) at this point is suffering so badly that I will probably have to work until I die, or win one of those stupid contests that I keep entering.  How depressing...

I know Crimmus isn't fer a piece yet, but I just came across this....

De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
And all ower da hood
ereybody wuz sleeping
Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
That old Santa Clause
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo'
Right nex to my Maw
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
'spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon
Pulled by giant warf rats.

Now ober all de years
Santa Clause, he be white
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car
My home boy he came
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name.

On Leroy, on Lonzo
And on Willie Lee
On Saphire, on Chenequa
Dey wuz a site to see.

As he landed dat watta'mellon
Out der in da skreet
I knwed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley
He picked da' lock on my doe
An' I sez to myself
Shit! He done dis befoe."

He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'xpect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
to wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents
Jus started stealing my shit
Got my drugs, got my guns
Even got my burglars's kit.

Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da windo he flewed
I woudda' tried to catched him
But he stoled my 'nife too.

He jumped on dat wadda'mellon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a seccon'
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause
Jus' ant' werf a shit!!!