Turkey Bingo

       

Last night we attended our yearly venture to play Turkey Bingo.  It starts with us visiting the Vineyard Restaurant in Santa Ynez.  We arrive early because we have to be at the Veteran's Hall in Solvang by 5:45.  The owner of the restaurant waits on us as usual.  He is a funny fellow with a dry wit.  The food is wonderful and varied or we wouldn't return each year.  
After early dinner we rush to the Veteran's Hall where people are already gathering and choosing their play cards.  We get comfortable (as well as you can on folding chairs) for the long evening of play.
Turkey Bingo started 97 years ago in the Santa Ynez Valley.  The prize was still a turkey, but then they were live!  A winner would either put the turkey in a burlap sack and put it under the table while continuing to play, or tie it to the table leg.  Either way, the turkey was soon nipping at your feet or legs.
The best part of the evening was  not the winning, nor the yelling BINGO, but rather the immense interest and joy that every child there got from playing and winning.  Each would quickly carry their card to the stage to get checked, and then most of them would get their trophy turkey (now frozen) and parade back to their seat.  It was fun just to be there and to observe.   This is what kids in a farm/ranch community do for fun!
The table that I sat at had winners.  There were seven turkey brought home that night.  I didn't win and neither did Jeff sitting across from me, but almost everyone else did.  What fun.

A Montana cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon
A gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked
him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago . . . ."

The Week's Events

I've tried to come up with some comments about the week's events, that were meaningful.  I guess the word that best describes the week's evens would be "predictable".  

It was expected that Michael Jackson's doctor would be found guilty.  It was expected that Perry would insert his foot into his mouth thereby dooming his campaign by a few more notches.  It was expected that Greece and Italy would have to reboot their government. It was even expected that all of those events would have detrimental effects on the market.  

There is only one reason why that happens.  Someone is making just as much money when the market turns down as when it goes up.  Shades of legalized gambling, if you ask me.

I feel, like many others, that we have been taken advantage by Wall Street, big businesses and the gubmint.  Our system sucks, but fortunately, it sucks less than other systems.

I would really like to restrict myself to buy only American goods and support the American working force.  Here is one of the problems with that plan: Our finances have been raped so many times, all we can afford is the best bargain- which probably won't be the American one. Secondly, American goods are very difficult to identify and may not be available.

We are left with the obvious, which is to make the best of it that we can and try to be content in believing that others have it worse...

The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
 

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Redneck Jedi

You know you're a redneck jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." 

Don't have too much fun tonight

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome? I said no.

So we drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom you still awake?" 

 

Isn't Our Stock Market Ours ?

I am BLOWN AWAY by the effect that the Greek or Italian economy has on our stock market.  All those trades for the sell offs are making somebody a lot of money.  Any supposition of any event seems to cause way too much to happen in our stock market.  Consequently, my 401K (really 201 or less) at this point is suffering so badly that I will probably have to work until I die, or win one of those stupid contests that I keep entering.  How depressing...

I know Crimmus isn't fer a piece yet, but I just came across this....

De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
And all ower da hood
ereybody wuz sleeping
Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
That old Santa Clause
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo'
Right nex to my Maw
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
'spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon
Pulled by giant warf rats.

Now ober all de years
Santa Clause, he be white
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car
My home boy he came
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name.

On Leroy, on Lonzo
And on Willie Lee
On Saphire, on Chenequa
Dey wuz a site to see.

As he landed dat watta'mellon
Out der in da skreet
I knwed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley
He picked da' lock on my doe
An' I sez to myself
Shit! He done dis befoe."

He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'xpect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
to wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents
Jus started stealing my shit
Got my drugs, got my guns
Even got my burglars's kit.

Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da windo he flewed
I woudda' tried to catched him
But he stoled my 'nife too.

He jumped on dat wadda'mellon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a seccon'
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause
Jus' ant' werf a shit!!!

I'm For Target

We went into a Target store the other day and I mad a point of observing.  I wanted to figure out what it is that Target has that has all the women raving up and down.  I'm not sure, but I think part of it is that the store is tasteful.  Most of the people you see shopping are tasteful as well.  This not the place that attracts the same clientele as Walmart (and a website for the People of Walmart).  This is not even the place that attracts the same people as Kmart/Sears.  These people know a deal when they see it, and good quality merchandise.  Target is not upscale or snooty, but it is definitely higher on the scale than Walmart or Kmart/Sears.
There was a segment on Good Morning America recently that discussed whether one should shop for groceries in a department store or not.  I wanted to test their advice to buy only items that you were familiar with and could tell if you were paying more or less than the grocery.  These should be items that you buy every week and would save if they were less money.  I made a list and picked up just those items in Target. I figured that I save almost 20% over Albertsons or Vons, where I normally shop.  WHile I wouldn't make a special trip (unless it was the same distance), apparently one CAN save A LOT of money at Target.  I would imagine that some things must be higher priced to even everything out.  I haven't found those items yet, though.  I do notice that stuff at Albertsons and Vons have steadily increased in price, so whatever I can do to make it up...
One of the big problems that one always has in any store is impulse shopping.  The layout of the store and its placement of products usually force you to walk past items you didn't come in for.  That is REALLY bad in the grocery store.  In Target, it is worse, but everything you pick up is cheaper than you'd expect!

A GREAT NEW WORD FOR YOUR VOCABULARY !

I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year.

Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2012 election year. 

Whining Greeks...

The Greeks complain that they can't take it anymore. This is both unfortunate and disgusting.  The Greek populace must take responsibility for their own actions.  Instead of paying their taxes, which a whopping percentage don't.  Instead of declaring that they couldn't afford to hold the Olympics, which they did anyway pushing the country into extravagant un-repayable debt.  Instead of turning away despondent immigrants at the border, which they don't.  The Greeks are now whining that they need the rest of the EU to carry them to solvency, without any sacrifice on their own.  If only the unpaid taxes were collected, that may be enough.  The Greeks, who are divided into two categories: 1) the very rich who consider themselves independent from the country's problems, and 2) the very poor that can't help at all.  The consumer spending by those that have, continues unrelenting, showing no signs of remorse for a failing government.
What REALLY riles me even more, is the negative effect on our stock market and economy.  This part we DON"T deserve.

I have fond memories of visiting the butcher shop with my mom when I was very young.  My mother (Sicilian) would make chicken soup from scratch (literally) since she would use chicken feet!  You can't buy chicken feet in the local supermarket or big-box.  If you want the absolute best chicken soup, that is what you use.  If you wanted to buy the absolute best hot-dogs, ones with the natural casings, you'd have to get them there.  If you were looking for regional cuts, such as cottage ham or tri-tips, the butcher could cut those to order. 

Today's supermarket or big-box can only display pre-cut meats in plastic trays.  Most of that is not cut or maybe even processed on the premises.  This is clearly a means for avoiding the cost of machinery and highly-paid union butchers on the local level.  It is also how food borne illnesses such as salmonella and E. coli are spread so quickly and so far.  The control of distribution during a recall is, I'm sure, unnerving.

Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

by Albert Einstein
"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"

"The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible."

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

"Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value."

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."

"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother."

"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."

"When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!"

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY."

"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.
The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.”
“Wow, said the blonde, “That’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day..
Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’s that,” he asked?
“Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blonde replied….. …”Two Popsicles and some coffee.”

What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?

In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.

It all started with an iPhone...
My son celebrated his 16th birthday in April,
and I bought him an iPhone. He simply loved it.

I celebrated my birthday in May, and I was really pleased to get an ipad from my wife.

My daughter's birthday was in November, so I got her an iPod Touch.

My wife's birthday was celebrated in February, so I got her an iRon.

It was around that time the fights started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

iHurt

Transferred Pain

Earlier in the week I found myself in tremendous pain.  I couldn't even close my mouth all the way because my molars would mesh and my jaw was crooked.  The pain went up into my ear and gathered at my temple.  My chin was all tingly.  I was messed up and I didn't know what was wrong.

I mad an appointment at the dentist and they x-rayed my jaw [I thought the problem was my jaw].  I apparently had a nerve die in the root of one of my molars which caused swelling in my gums and the domino effect that pushed pain all over the place.

I'm not one of these people that usually get sick or complain about pain.  This was a new (hopefully not repeatable] experience.
Yesterday, I had a root canal to rectify the problem.  The dentist [a special one that does just root canals (must be sadist)] drills trough the top portion of the tooth until he enters the root.  Then he scrapes out the nerve from within each of the parts of the root.  Eventually, that all gets filled in with some kind of inert cement.  Hence, my live tooth is transformed into an inert implant- never to pain me again.

Isn't modern dentistry great?  In the not too distant past, I would hire my barber to pull the sucker cause it was causing too much trouble.  I would end up living the rest of my  life with that tooth missing.

Guy explains to his doctor,

"Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on.

What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

Psychiatrist and Proctologist Share An Office

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time; and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable.

So they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.

Power of the Internet...

Well not only is the massive internet usage causing revolutions in the middle-east, but now companies such as NetFlix and BofA have found that keeping the internet crowd happy is paramount to thier customers.  NetFlix has decided not to split off its DVD business because of an internet uproar, and many customers reacting with their feet to the higher prices.  BofA announced that they were going to start charging a fee for using debit cards, and a similar reaction caused many. many customers to defect to smaller banks or credit unions where debit fees are unheard of.  I'm sure that both companies will find other less-controversial means to make up the profits that they have abandoned by their most recent actions.  Let this be a lesson to those that pay attention: customers want service- that is why they do business with you.  If they don't get it or can't, they will look elsewhere.  It is high time that banks realize whose money it is and stop shooting themselves in the foot to reap every sliver of profit out of every transaction that customers wish to manage their own monies.  I applaud those who learned that BofA is not the only bank or credit union where they can accomplish that....

I tolerated a lot from Fleecebook, but this is carrying it way too far.  Liberty University has now put church services on Fleecebook! 

So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?
Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.