All Hallows Eve....

Many of the candidates have had their Halloween costumes on for many months, changing their characterizations depending on their audience.  It is way time that they be eliminated.  Isn't it interesting how some of them that are definitely not electable or even nominatable, keep hanging on....

So I see that having a multimillion dollar wedding won't insure bliss.   Kim Kardashian has already filed for divorce!  This may be one of those women that CANNOT stay married.....  They were planning a TV show to show off  the splendor of the wedding, here in Montecito, but if it makes the airwaves AFTER they are already divorced, who would want to watch it ???   Well, who would want to watch it anyhow ???


Back to answering the door and handing out candy....

Just in case you were wondering...

In Ebriated....

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

Government Investigates Rancher

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

Debates...Thats Debatable....

Isn't it amazing how the formerly (G)OP hopefuls are continuing to schedule more and more debates.  It would be really nice to know how each candidate feels on the issues.  Unfortunately, they keep flip-flopping to appease the crowd.  Which means, of course, that the debates are worthless to us, and even worse for the candidates.  Right now there's Romney and the NOT-Romneys.  They all seem pretty much the same except for an extreme view here and there.  Romney is just rounded out and lackluster- kind-of Milquetoast-like.  Do any of them have a chance against Obama?  Probably not, but there will always be the "I'll vote for anyone that isn't Obama..."

Don't cut down anymore trees!

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Some Halloween Lessons from the Movie Theater17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome
here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love
us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love
for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he
wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They
strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who
will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The
companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will
know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded
that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly
improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

For those of you that are sentient enough to realize where Fleecebook makes its monies and that the users have completely lost control of thier personal information, there is "Unthink".  Someone actually read the "Terms of Use" for Fleecebook and decided to do something about it.  Rather than only be unsociable- at least electronically, Unthink put the control in your own hands.  The biggest hurdle that they will face is not what they offer, but social interacting doesn't work unless the "circle of friends" that you want to be social with is also on Unthink.  Hopefully, a valiant effort will produce some results (which certainly won't put a noticeable dent in Fleecebook).

Things are pretty bad [good for us] for Michelle Bachmann, since the Tea Party is asking her to quit the race... [couldn't happen to nicer person...NOT]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

Dumb Folks

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. 

Amazing Realization

Today, on the radio, a caller asked when Sarah Palin was going to endorse one of the formerly (G)OP candidates.  He supported the Tea Party and didn't know for sure which candidate to vote for.  He did say that whomever she endorses would definitely win the nomination.  The host couldn't believe that Sarah Palin's endorsement would make a difference to anyone (including me).  This guy specifically said that many loyal supporters are waiting for her.  This was unbelievable.  Also, he was very sure that she would endorse Michelle Bachmann(yech).  She not one of the current three leaders, though.  I predict that Mitt ROmney will get the nomination, not because he should, but because the others shouldn't.

 

Strange sex laws

1.In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
2.In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
3.Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
4.The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
5.There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
6.In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
7.Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.
8.In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
9.In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
10.In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!" 

Banks Are Worthless....

How predictable. Iran is now accusing us of inciting the revolution in Libya. Does anyone actually listen you them anymore ?  Can the Iranians listen to anyone else ?

People are furious over banking fees.  Why do we need banks anyway?  We bailed them out of hot water with taxpayer funds and the repay us by upping fees.  The mistake here is ours.  Number one; if they were failing, it is their fault.  If they are too big to fail, okay- don't.  If you do fail, then it is your fault and you deserve to fail.  The REALLY inherent problem is that banks are in business to make a profit.  They (supposedly) sell us service for a fee.  If we want that service we should have to pay, or someone should.
I personally have been doing business with credit unions for a long time.  It is a members-only organization that provides the same services (or better) and is NON-PROFIT.  Any fees that they do charge is only to break even.  Why would my mattress look better than a credit union ?  Credit unions never forget whose money it is and treat you like family members, which is unlike banks that assume you are out to cheat them (when it is really the other way around).
My first bad experience with a bank is when BofA tried to charge me a fee to make my third deposit in a month.  I argued that they would have more monies to lend and there fore should not be charging me.  They claimed that it was a PAPERWORK charge.  I quickly removed all my money from that institution and moved to a credit union.  I have ALWAYS wondered why people stay there, or with ANY bank.

Personnel Evaluation Quotes:
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

• "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

• "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

• "One neuron short of a synapse."

• "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
 
• "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

• "He's been working with glue too much."

• "He would argue with a signpost."

• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,...he's the other one."


• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom...and has started to dig."

• "His men would follow him anywhere,...but only out of morbid curiosity."

• "I would not allow this employee to breed."

• "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

• "This employee should go far,...and the sooner he starts, the better."

The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it 
Major Technological Breakthrough
           Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
           It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits
           We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying
           It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
           We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordination
           We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
           We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
           We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
           We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
           We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
           The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned
           The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties
           We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete.
           Half done.
We predict...
           We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging.
           Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable.
           100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountables, problems.
           It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined.
           Nobody has thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention.
           Totally out of control.
The project is designed for high availability.
           Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.
This project has low maintenance requirements.
           We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.
The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
           The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.
The delivery is scheduled for the last quarter of next year.
           This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.

Best comeback lines...
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

What a Guy!

Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives, a Food Network television show, was filmed this week at Lito's Restaurant in downtown Santa Barbara.  The host of the show, Guy Fieri, autographed the wall with the Food Network logo and a mural.  I wish I had known, so I could be there.  This guy, Guy, is a real character with many eccentricities- but he knows good food, the kind we all miss, from diners.  I really enjoy his show.  The expressions on his face when he tastes the food are so expressive, you can almost taste it yourself.  What a job!

INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

How Crazy Do You Have To Be ?

Today's events further proved that Gaddafi(sp) was completely out of his mind.  I'm sure that he could have made a deal EARLIER and now be living like a king- somewhere else...  Perhaps all that power really did go to his head.

So the REAL question is, do you have to be crazy to be in a political office- or will that happen anyway once you get ther ??

Country romance!

And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Your hair is like cornsilk, A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, But I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry, Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop, Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven! - I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me, back in '74.

Still them fellers at work, They all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler, Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug, A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant, Upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern, Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight, Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old, Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks, And let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, With a RC cold drank,
We go together; Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds, From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, These will not do.
For you are too special, You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds;

. . . It's a new trollin' motor! 

A cultural comparison 
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.