Bat Chain Pullers Still Hangin' Around

Two things have been happening.  First, I have been having issues finding unused jokes, as my sources appear to be drying up AND the same thing is happening to my source for cartoons.  I will have to make an effort to locate some new sources.  My USUAL joking friends are letting me down.


Secondly, there has been much anxiety regarding my daughter's health, but things seem to be working their way out.  I am looking forward to some quiet time.


I am still blown away at what a wasteland the formerly(G)OP candidate list has become.  They are literally just a bunch of Bat Chain Pullers....


Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

John took his blind date to a carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked John. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING
AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

**********************

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH
AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM
FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK? '
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'

Enuf Fer Tday!

I worked for the last two days after work to get the car show parking laid out.  Today was the show and it went pretty smooth.  The fog was pretty low in the sky until mid-morning which kept the chicken-hearted away.  We had numerous no-show, but they had already paid.  The charity make out.  Meanwhile, I am very tired as I was there before 6 o:darkly this morning- just to stay ahead the crowd that didn't show up....

HOW IS EMAIL LIKE A PENIS?
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who
don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them
power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but
think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to
try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.

Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have
work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this interaction seriously; others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until
it's too late.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread viruses.

Reminiscing

Last evening, I was volunteering for a few hours to help set up the Lemon Festival at a local park.  While we were measuring and marking the lawn, there were young children practicing soccer all around us.  I can't tell you how much I miss those days when I took my kids to soccer practice and then had the privilege to watch them play, interact with other parents, share snacks with the other players.  At the end of the season, we were able to help celebrate all the high points of the season, wins and losses, at a party.  It was very pleasurable.  I didn't know how much I missed it until I was reminded.  I guess there are lots of things like that.  Now my youngest is going to go to school in Rome.  What a major amount of change has occurred in such a short time.  It gives me regrets that I have grown old so fast and can no longer experience my kids growing up. I wonder what other past moments I have forgotten.

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off" he replied.

The Formerly (G)OP Offerings

I am constantly amazed that the formerly(G)OP can expect to win an election with the cast of candidates that they have offered.  If you remove all the extremists and bigmouths, all that you have left is Cain and Romney.  What a great choice...Obama is a shoe in...


Today my daughter was accepted to Trinity College in Rome.  She is walking on air...

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?", replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music...."

The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.                                                         

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's." he replied

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother- in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line." 

Now you know....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. 

Bad Judgement...

As if I needed another reason to eschew Fleecebook and Walmart, they have now gone into partnership!!!  An attempt to make their stores relevant to the Facebook (younger) crowd, Walmart is contracting to have Facebook create over 3500 "local" Walmart pages.  As more and more users find that they have their days consumed by servicing Facebook and a Farmville movie is in the works, isn't there more of a move away from what Walmart is buying?  In my own perception, I see Facebook as once being the hot new thing, like AOL was, but then interest waning for the current new thing.  Unfortunately, the Walmart consumers will be paying for that company's bad judgement....

I have been absolutely amazed that I have not received any joke emails for days.  My supply network (that I use on this blog) appears to be drying up.  I may have to come up with another set of sources....or change the underlying premise of the blog. 

May the Horse Be With You....

Yesterday we went to see a Riders In The Sky concert.  We have seen them many times before at Cowboy Poetry gatherings such as the one in Santa Clarita at Melody Ranch.  This was a different kind of concert as it was in the daytime and aimed at kids and particularly the music that they did for Disney in the Toy Story series.  Watching the kids was fun as they really got into the music and they gathered at the stage to dance.  The Riders were in rare form as they performed the songs that the kids would like.  The show was (unfortunately) short for the admission price.  We bought early tickets which were $10 more, as the price dropped.  We are expecting either a refund or credit towards another show.  The show was short but fun...

Sad Story:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live.'

An elderly man was driving down the street when he was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
He was asked where he was going at this time of night.

The man replied, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body, as well as staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really?

Who would be giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife!"

Pappa's Delicate Condition

Friday my daughter was accepted to do a semester abroad in Rome.  I somehow knew that this day would come.  The apron strings won't reach quite that far and Daddy's Little Girl will be twenty-one in December.  I guess I will have to grow up....

Yesterday we went to the Avocado Festival in Carpinteria. The guacamole was great, and so were the BBQ ribs and funnel cake.  We enjoyed all the live music and the various vendors.  I wish it happened more often.  It was like a Fiesta that didn't have a parade and behaved....

What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each of me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

End of An Era

So as of today, we have entered a new era.  The modern visionary that helped drive the tech innovation market has passed.  Rest in peace Steve Jobs and know that you made much more than the "dent in the universe" that you so desired.  He was a master of providing the "next best thing" before we knew that that is what we wanted and needed.  His forethought lit the fuses of so many markets that his impacts won't fade for many generations.

On another note, people are leaving BofA in droves over their new fees. They claim that they are entitled to make a profit.  That is a laugh.  After the taxpayers bailed them out, and they have riled everyone regarding their foreclosure practices, they claim that they haven't made enough profits.  Next they will layoff 30,000 employees.  Why did they buy Countrywide?  Countrywide was a giant hole filled with liabilities, poor investments, and ill will.  Buying them passed all those on to BofA.  I don't hesitate when I say that they would have been better off not to buy them, but just to let them fail.  The ill will towards BofA will cost them much more in profitability that the loss of fees on debit cards.  The bad publicity is more than they realize...

So the formerly(G)OP will now consist of Romney and a bunch of extremist non-Romneys. We will not have Christie or Palin to toss around anymore, as they have both excluded themselves from consideration.  Will that shut them up?  Probably not.  The big push by the Tea Party appears to have lost all of their steam (and candidates).  Perhaps we labeled Palin correctly earlier as an controversy igniter, rather than a (serious) candidate.

Questions?
 If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

xxxx

Whose Money Is It, Anyway ?

I've never had a problem remembering that the money in my bank accounts is mine.  Unfortunately, I can't say the same for most banks.  They always seem to be doing you a favor to perform any banking function. Their charges are petty and very quickly you feel unappreciated.  This has always been a necessary evil to do business with banks.  We all have out limits, though.  My limit was when my current bank was making a service charge to the third deposit of mine for the month.  This dumbfounded me.  The goal, I say, "THE GOAL" is to put money into the account, so the bank can lend it out and make interest charges on the loan.  Well, not really.  You see, allowing that third deposit must have cost the bank somewhere around 0.0001 cents to process and they decided to pass that cost on to me.  So then, translated, 0.0001 cents of cost to the bank means that they would charge me $15.  That appears to be exorbitant, but it is only a standard and acceptable (?) amount of profit.  So I told them what they could do with their checking, savings, and credit card accounts and moved to a credit union.
There, where each teller and the manager knows me by my first name and greets me as I come in, I feel appreciated.  The fees are minimal and the services are stupendous.  Why would I do business with a bank ever again?
Now that BofA has decided to start charging for debit card use, and some of the other big banks are following suit, the people are rising up to complain.  I believe they are mistaken.  Let the banks overcharge.  Leave the banks, in droves.  They will learn whose money it is in a hurry.  There is NOT ONE SERVICE that they provide that I cannot get elsewhere and be just as happy if not more so.  We should not fret, as the banks will blame the gubmint for all their woes, and we will end up paying to save their collective asses once again...

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.



He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

 The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.



Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'


The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of  3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

Kids answers to questions:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour (brilliant, love this)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula
A: A small lie.

Q: What does varicose mean (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarian Section.
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word benign' mean
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. 

Old Bloggers Don't Die, They Just....

Sometimes there isn't enough to write about even when there is so much going on in the world. Carolyn Espley-Miller has tips for bloggers that are over fifty.  I'm not sure what difference my age makes, except for maybe the perspective and the topics that I would write about.  I agree that the best part of blogging is the responses and reactions that are shared by the readers.  I wish there was a lot more than that.  That is really icing on the cake, though.  The cake is getting to express one's views or just make comments on the current events- without interruptions or conversational manipulations.  It is definitely therapeutic and cathartic.  I especially enjoy sharing some stories or cartoons that I find funny, cute or just plain interesting.  After three kids ignoring me and my sense of (or lack of)  humor, now I get to foist it upon anyone that will take the time to read what I have to share.  Speaking of share, this is kind of a "show and tell" right out of kindergarten.  Meanwhile, please send me your comments, questions- anything at all.

Things you wish you could say at work

1. Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. It'll be ready Thursday - now, which Thursday is another question.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas

- No television

- No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

- More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You wipe your ass with your hand

- You cook over burning camel dung

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wives smell worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??  Well no shit Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.

How the fight started
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My Goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer (always something more important to me).
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Jus' Fiscallin' Along...

So here we are in the new "fiscal" year and I was really expecting something new...  Well Amanda Knox was reprieved from persecution at the hands of the Italian "justice" system.  It is kind of weird, two judges and six jurors all together sit on their jury.   Chris Christie hasn't decided yet whether to run or not.  A poll on the CNN website said not to bother.  Don't we all wish there was someone worthwhile to get enthusiastic about?  iPhone 5 will be out tomorrow.  It will be another amazing run.  The big question is how much longer can they do it without Jobs?

The Cowboy Code
1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.

2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.

3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.

4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.

5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.

6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.

7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.

8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.

9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.

10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.

11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won't be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.

12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.

13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady... not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.

14. A cowboy will grasp a lady's elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.

Privacy- No More....

How does one maintain your individual privacy in a digital world?  There is little chance of a 100% success rate, but it can be possible.  Will I still be able to participate in all the digital world has to offer- probably not. 


Is there a conspiracy to know all about every one of us and how we interact with society?  I believe so.  It is not only focused marketing, but a "herding" towards the ideals of big business.  Vote for my candidate, buy my products, watch these shows, read these books, go to these schools, drive these cars, live the lives that we prescribe.  Who is big business to tell us that?  What can I do to prevent it.  The first thing that all of us has to do is come to grips with the reality of the situation, learn to control and manipulate it and deal responsibly with the consequences of their control.  Is this Big Brother?  Definitely we are making large (huge) strides in that direction.

Is IBM making a comeback? Microsoft is falling into the same category, but below IBM's market value.  Can Microsoft still be viable in today's market?  They will have to redefine themselves into a lean-mean-Chameleonic company that follows the market and even DRIVES it occasionally.  Can they do that anymore?  Are they as bloated as their software ?  As the paradigms shift, will they as well? Or are they a has-been force?

AN ISRAELI ON VACATION
An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in England when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside his cage, right under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him profusely.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli:
'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my lifetime.'
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little girl in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this doesn't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.'
'So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The Israeli replies, "I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to Israel these days. 

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of  Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont,  Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.. Only The
Good Die Young..
=============================
In a  London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford,  England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna.. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso,  New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him
for not rising..
===============================
In a Uniontown,  Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in  England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in  Hartscombe , England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in  Nantucket ,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease..
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in  England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be..
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
until I know which way you went.

Bad marketing translations
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with their campaign "Got
Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon
brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you
lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following
in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too
many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put
pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't
read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
of a notorious pornographic magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw
the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa)
.

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",
translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make
a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an
aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to
impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in
your pocket and make you pregnant"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather
first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly
In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en
cuero) in Spanish.

13. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South
America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't
go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any
cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

14. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-
lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

15. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling
Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking
Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and
empty."

16. Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The
company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male
genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted
Corcel, which means horse.

17. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the
name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

18. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it
entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for
unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki
Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

No Plan- No Direction- No Solution

Try as I might to focus in on the formerly(G)OP candidates, I cannot.  They all represent extreme views beyond what is tolerable.  I can't imagine have to listen to their rants for four years.  Unfortunately, Obama has become timid when he most needs not to.  The real problem is that there are no clear solutions to the economic problems of the world, that are short term.  In the long term, we all need to be less dependent on other countries.  That is where our job market went, we exported it.  To get it back, we are going to have to compete not only on the price but also on the quality. While we sat on our laurels and enjoyed the products made better and better oversees, we lost our own capabilities to make good stuff that we want.  We have been sold down the river.  It isn't Obama, Bush, Clinton, or Bush Sr.  The all contributed to maintain our way of life, but with foreign good at a tolerable price.  Guess what, whose days are gone.The Tea Party or Christie or Palin are not going to save us. The sooner we realize that the better.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

Mississippi Absentees
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing football. He hurt in the growing part.

Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain cot and it was missing rain.

Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncle died. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."

Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side .

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words were crossed out in the ( )'s}

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. She was in bed with gramps.

Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Paying the Piper Again

Zuck is on the hotseat again as the Irish regulators investigate "frictionless sharing".  Why is it that Fleecebook is always on such thin ice?  Ask me if I care or whether I feel good about it.

Someone has finally managed to photograph the Pot at the end of the rainbow!!! Wouldn't you know it!

One of the popular ideas bounced around for an Alternative
Olympics are to have a special selection of Redneck Games, and
they will even have their own ceremonies. They are reported to be
a shoe-in for Alabama, but Tennessee is putting up a valiant
fight. Proposed ideas for the events are as follows:

1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by
the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns
out to be owned by the Governor.

3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at
muskrats and ATF agents.

4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of
gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle
rockets.

8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to
all them extra toes.

9. Two words: Billy Bob-sledding.

10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a ho-down and
participants must be from the same family.

11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real
bullets, just sos we can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners.

12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball

13. The equestrian event will be replaced with Pitbull boxing.

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives?

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other peoples, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's".

Mebbie I need My Own PAC & a Billion $ to Feed It...

There's a big commotion about the enhancements (?) that  Zuck has made to Fleecebook, but as an aside: they have also created a Facebook Political Action Committee (PAC).  This, of course, must come with a lobby and a list of politicians that are influence-able, or need influencing, or bribing.  When you control as much money as Zuck, it is no surprise that he would want to influence politics.  I am disgusted in the obvious "interference" that big business has on politics.  It is time for a redo. Perry said that corporations are people, too.  I don't agree with him, but they ARE being treated as such. [Wonder when they will execute one in Texas...]  Why can corporations get away without paying their share of taxes ?  It is time for a flat tax- fairness to the poor,  fairness to the middle class, fairness to the wealthy, and fairness to the corporations.  UNFORTUNATELY, since lobbies exist and have such phenomenal powers- that flat tax will never happen!

LAWYER JOKES
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

Very Personal:
I wish to share an experience with you. As we know, many of us have had brushes with the authorities regarding drinking and driving. Well I for one did something about it. The other night I was out for dinner with some friends and frankly I had way too much Vino. Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I had never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived safe and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before.

Ho Hum...

Catching up on my reading I see that there are some things that haven't changed: 1) Zuck is pissing off many Fleecebook users with new features. 2) Apple's next spyPhone is about to be announced.  3) Amazon is coming to the market with their own tablet called Kindle Fire- and it is NOT Android, WebOs or Apple based. 3) Meg Whitman won't go away.  She managed to crawl out from under the rock she was hiding under, and now will "lead" HP.  I'm not sure where to, but it probably can't be as bad as Fiorina... 4) The gubmint is or has already run out of operating money.  More to come (probably printed afresh). 5) Obama is still being whipped by the formerly(G)OP.  6) The list of formerly(G)OP candidates has not changed, although Perry's stripes are beginning to show through ...  7) Cain stole the show in Florida (which may prove that the problem is not Obama's color, but his party instead).  It's still anybody's guess who will walk away with the nomination, but as of today- it won't be Christie and can't be Palin (as yet). 8) Oil dropped in price, but it didn't affect California gas prices.  9) Gold dropped in value, which caused a lot of people to lose a bunch of money they just got... 10) Michael Jackson's "doctor" is finally getting his day in court...

So essentially, not much changed while I was vacating... 

One thing that FINALLY did change, Andy Rooney is retiring at 92!  I thought those awning eyebrows would carry him forever!

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Confucius Says...
"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"

     

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live

What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
Build a house next to them

What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?
Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home
 

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend

What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin

When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball