Figurin' Out Economics...

Where is the economics in this?  Companies get a special postage deal to send mass-mailed junk mail to people like me.  Because of the discount, the postal service loses money and eventually has to ask for higher first class rates to cover the losses and/or must lay off some postal workers.  I take the junk mail and without even opening it up, place it in my shredder and pay the extra electricity to grind up the mail.  Then I pay for trash collectors to pick up the shreds.  It seems that junk mail is the culprit.  Let's make ONLY directly addressed mail that is sent first class legal.  All the other bulk-rate mail should be illegal.  We waste enough trees to make the mail, and gasoline to deliver it- they should pay the same rate as you or I, or not at all.

The first fly drops... Pawlenty drops out. More to follow...

'Tis a shame that those of us that could afford to take a vacation did not vacate TOTALLY.  Having a "plugged-in Summer" is not my idea of getting away from it all.  We have forgotten what nature has to offer us.  Not to mention what our bodies and mind crave- a break.  The Europeans know about vacations.  Most of them take the month of August off- all at once.  What this does, is to force even those that remain, into a slower pace.  Don't ever visit Europe in August because usually the tourist areas are closed.  We would NEVER think of doing anything so civil in the USA.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

CPA - Cell Phone Anonymous ?

Another story on cell phone addiction and (guess) what it is providing for your carrier.... The claim is that it is bad as caffeine or chocolate to give up.  Used to be that technology was dependent on us.  Now the tables are turned and we are becoming dependent (physiologically) on technology.

What do they know- or don't?  Only 6.2 percent of smart phone users actually scan QR codes. Are they expecting too much from the average user, or are they yielding to the dangers of opening your smart phone to every location that a QR code takes me?

So Rick Perry jumped into the fray (finally).  Watch the other candidates drop like flies after the Iowa straw poll.

Thank you congress: You showed me how to get out of my financial problems. Raise the limit on my credit cards and start spending.

You might be White Trash if...

-Your house moves but your twelve cars don't.

-You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

-You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

-Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

-You burn your yard rather than mow it.

-You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

-The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

-You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

-You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

-You come back from the dump with more than you took.

-You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

-Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

-Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

-You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

-You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

-You go to the stock car races and don't need a program 

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U..S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

BAIL'EM OUT!!! ????
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?!"

"What the Hell are we thinking?"

5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk 

Ineptitude As A Goal

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is REALLY wrong in Washington.  The people that represent us in Congress are not our peers.  They don't understand the issues that we have.  They strive to compete with their fellow Congressmen and Senators, but not usually for our betterment.  They are hounded by high-priced lobbyists, providing paid directions for bills, votes and re-elections.  
So to fix Washington, all of the lobbyists will be eliminated.  No corporate donations will be accepted to election campaigns or any other campaigns.  All corporations will become non-corporal taxable entities like average citizens and will pay taxes based on the same rules. All members of Congress will be limited to two terms.  Campaigns will be run using their own monies- only.  Debates, speeches, et cetera will only be on the internet to save funds and negate the cost of security. No pork will be allowed on any bills.  Every bill will state its general intent in less than one hundred words in layman's language- up front.

My motto for cleaning up this mess would be, "Simplify, do your job and only your job, and then get out!".  Help clean up in Washington, don't re-elect ANYONE!

We are soon to be in data overload.  Can you imagine when your smart phone will have the capability to recognize the face of someone you photograph and pull up all his or her personal information at a whim.  Anonymity will be totally lost.  The world will change forever.  Do you have embarrassing pictures on-line ?  A whole new cottage industry has emerged to "clean-up" your net image, so to speak. The distance between who you are and who you might be is closing.

Finally, in a sea of Bat Chain Pullers, Rick Perry decides to join the group of Obama challengers. IMHO he is the ONLY opponent that may have a chance to beat Obama.  On the other hand, though; it is rumored that Sarah Palin may be his first choice as a running mate.  This may be an albatross around his neck.  There are many people that are not happy with Obama's performance, but I don't think that there are that many that would elect someone only a bullet away from ineptitude-on-a-grand-scale.

A guest in a posh hotel called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu.

"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one overcooked egg so that it's tough and hard. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."

"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here? "

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.'

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt an brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats workin for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.
I was restless at first cause you get to stay in bed till near 6 a.m. But I am gettin so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt an Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, an shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men get to shave but it's not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmins like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kinda weak on chops, potatas, ham, steak, fried tomaters, pie and other reglar food, but tell Walt an Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as we go to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet an we all get to ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around an frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt an Elmer with laughin. I keep gettin medals for shootin. I don't know why. The bulls - eye is near as big as a chipmunk head an it don't move, an it ain't shootin at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comforble an hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand - to - hand combat trainin. You get to wrassle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fightin with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this kinda trainin cept for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds soakin wet an he's 6'8' an near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt an Elmer to hurry and join up before any other fellers get onto this setup an come stampeedin in. 

Your loving daughter, Alice 

California-to-Tennessee dictionary:

CALIFORNIA	TENNESSEE
Arsenal of Weapons	Gun Collection
Delicate Wetlands	Swamp
Undocumented Worker	Illegal Alien
Cruelty-Free Materials	Synthetic Fiber
Assault and Battery	Attitude Adjustment
Heavily Armed	Well-protected
Narrow-minded	Righteous
Taxes or Your Fair Share	Coerced Theft
Commonsense Gun Control	Gun Confiscation Plot
Illegal Hazardous Explosives	Fireworks for Stump Removal
Equal Access to Opportunity	Socialism
Multicultural Community	High Crime Area
Fairness or Social Progress	Marxism
Upper Class or "The Rich"	Self-Employed
Progressive, Change	Big Government Scheme
Homeless or Disadvantaged	Bums or Welfare Leeches
Sniper Rifle	Scoped Deer Rifle
Investment For the Future	Higher Taxes
Healthcare Reform	Socialized Medicine
Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater	Conservative
Truants	Homeschoolers
Victim or Oppressed	Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing
High Capacity Magazine	Standard Capacity Magazine
Religious Zealot	Church-going
Reintroduced Wolves	Sheep and Elk Killers
Fair Trade Coffee	Overpriced Yuppie Coffee
Exploiters or "The Rich"	Employed or Land Owner
The Gun Lobby	NRA Members
Assault Weapon	Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)
Fiscal Stimulus	New Taxes and Higher Taxes
Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting	Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

Goodbye Cable

The first thing to go when your disposable income shrinks is cable TV.  Record number of subscribers are dropping the service.  The cable and dish companies will have no choice but to change or charge less.  This should be very interesting, since they have been claiming that they are operating on an extremely small (?) margin already.  It was so important, over a year ago, to convert everyone's TV to digital to free up some bandwidth for other purposes.  The cable companies were very supportive because they claimed that they would immediately provide us subscribers with a smorgasbord of channel choices instead of a tiered system.  I have yet to see it happen.  SO people are paying too much to get channels that they don't watch anyway.  The cable companies are losing out in the long run, because they are losing their customer base!  I don't believe that they've worked out their NEW business (?) plan....

KIDS ON MARRIAGE (Answers by kids age 8-10)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 9

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9

Little boy...

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, Cause I still have mine.' 

TIMEX

My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday..
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!

It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I just wanna watch !"

I wonder if proctologists ever reflect on what they chose to do with their lives?  

 

The room was full of pregnant women and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:  I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm.

I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.

They need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.

But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of  Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail..... 

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses. 

The Epic Struggle
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....

And Satan created HMOs.. 

The Recession Has Hit Everybody!
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen...

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

"I told you so." says Palin....

This is downright disgusting:  NOW Palin says "I told you so" about the economic downturn.  Why is she always there ready with a comment about how she knew the answer but didn't want to share it with Obama, even for the good of the people?  I think she and her shenanigans are appalling! 

Earn fame and fortune (or at least pocket money) with your iPhone and the new Gigwalk app.  While this is a good idea, it is a bit like a snake eating his own tail.  The more Gigwalks you do, the more you owe on your iPhone's data bill.  The more you owe on your data bill, the more Gigwalks you have to do.  I think a much better way to make a profit with your iPhone is to CREATE an app, rather than USE one.

So just when you thought all was well with your iPhone and Android phone, this study comes out to tell you how badly your personal data is being ripped off.... with all the phone hacking going on and the latest report on viruses on smart phones, this should hurt!

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming - WOO HOO what a ride!"  -- Unknown

"I do clean up a little. If company is coming, I'll wipe the
lipstick off the milk container. Comb the soap." - Elayne Boosler

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:


"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

A cannibal was walking through the jungle And came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Archeologists dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, where New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Lubbock , TX , Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless." 

Pure Unadulterated Hogwash

I used to produce this blog every day, but recently there has been a dearth of new jokes except for Congress' performance.  Unfortunately, that has taken up much of the news as well, none of it good.  After my 401k became a 201k, they are still after what is left....amazing.

Under the category of "clogging the internet with worthless crap". [of which I hope this blog doesn't take the lead], retailers are now finding out that they can save trees(?) by emailing you a receipt instead of giving you a paper one.  While, innocently, this may sound like a good or even great idea, remember that you have now opened yourself to advertising from the retailer, spam from whomever the address is sold to and added yet another email that you have to save.  Apple stores have been doing this for a long time now, but now even grocery stores are getting on the bandwagon...

Under the category of  pure unadulterated hogwash, this story reports that Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis actually thought that Lyndon Johnson was behind JFK's assassination. While the event did occur in Texas, I don't REALLY believe that I could locate one more person that lived through that time period that would express this belief.  Did she dislike him that much ?

Wise Words from a Stockbroker...
I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.  He said, "If the Republicans and their Tea Party whackos continue to have their way, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying,

"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road "

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $82.84 per scoop....so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an empty wallet, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated now? 

The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,

'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,  'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop..

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON! 

Business one-liners
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to... uh...

IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion.

Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.

Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.

Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night...

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." 

Inspiration?

We went to the Fiesta Rodeo last evening and it was much fun.  Barrel racing, bronc and bull riding, mutton busting, calf roping and herding.  I took lots of pictures, but managed to mistakenly reconfigure my camera so that most of them re incorrectly formatted files. Oh well.  I enjoyed it anyway...

We went on a hike to Inspiration Point this morning.  I have to admit, Terre asking me to go had no effect on my inspiration.  When we started is was very foggy and by the time we go to the top, the fog was clearing.  Unfortunately, the fog hadn't cleared enough for a good view, but I do feel that I got plenty of exercise over the hike.  Max (the Wonder Dog) managed to drag himself all the way as well...

There were four people called Anybody, Nobody, Everybody, And Somebody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody thought Somebody would do it!!

Some got angry with this because it was Everybody's job.

Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!!

Stuck On The Island An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

Ode to Texas

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter, Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."

Please Lord, now that he's gone, won't you send rain?

"I'm not into that one-night stand thing. I think a person should
get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use
and degrade them."
- Steve Martin

Revealing Gift Test
Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick
the gift you'd most like to receive.

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

After you've selected, scroll down...

.

.

.

.

.

1. CANDY It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys
traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
-OR-
You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over
everything, even true love.

2. FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the
scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
-OR-
You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and
die.

3. A SWEET POEM It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a
cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the
written word.
-OR-
You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a
cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the
written word.

4. SEX It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit
who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another
consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be
meaningful and beautiful.
-OR-
You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal
living solely for one carnal experience after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of that
special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and
candlelight.
-OR-
You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for
food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON It means that... You're a practical person who
believes in gifts that you can actually use.
-OR-
You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and
probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving
kitchen appliances.