Pure Unadulterated Hogwash

I used to produce this blog every day, but recently there has been a dearth of new jokes except for Congress' performance.  Unfortunately, that has taken up much of the news as well, none of it good.  After my 401k became a 201k, they are still after what is left....amazing.

Under the category of "clogging the internet with worthless crap". [of which I hope this blog doesn't take the lead], retailers are now finding out that they can save trees(?) by emailing you a receipt instead of giving you a paper one.  While, innocently, this may sound like a good or even great idea, remember that you have now opened yourself to advertising from the retailer, spam from whomever the address is sold to and added yet another email that you have to save.  Apple stores have been doing this for a long time now, but now even grocery stores are getting on the bandwagon...

Under the category of  pure unadulterated hogwash, this story reports that Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis actually thought that Lyndon Johnson was behind JFK's assassination. While the event did occur in Texas, I don't REALLY believe that I could locate one more person that lived through that time period that would express this belief.  Did she dislike him that much ?

Wise Words from a Stockbroker...
I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.  He said, "If the Republicans and their Tea Party whackos continue to have their way, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying,

"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road "

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $82.84 per scoop....so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an empty wallet, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated now? 

The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,

'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,  'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop..

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON! 

Business one-liners
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to... uh...

IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion.

Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.

Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.

Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night...

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." 

Inspiration?

We went to the Fiesta Rodeo last evening and it was much fun.  Barrel racing, bronc and bull riding, mutton busting, calf roping and herding.  I took lots of pictures, but managed to mistakenly reconfigure my camera so that most of them re incorrectly formatted files. Oh well.  I enjoyed it anyway...

We went on a hike to Inspiration Point this morning.  I have to admit, Terre asking me to go had no effect on my inspiration.  When we started is was very foggy and by the time we go to the top, the fog was clearing.  Unfortunately, the fog hadn't cleared enough for a good view, but I do feel that I got plenty of exercise over the hike.  Max (the Wonder Dog) managed to drag himself all the way as well...

There were four people called Anybody, Nobody, Everybody, And Somebody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody thought Somebody would do it!!

Some got angry with this because it was Everybody's job.

Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!!

Stuck On The Island An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

Ode to Texas

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter, Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."

Please Lord, now that he's gone, won't you send rain?

"I'm not into that one-night stand thing. I think a person should
get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use
and degrade them."
- Steve Martin

Revealing Gift Test
Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick
the gift you'd most like to receive.

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

After you've selected, scroll down...

.

.

.

.

.

1. CANDY It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys
traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
-OR-
You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over
everything, even true love.

2. FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the
scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
-OR-
You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and
die.

3. A SWEET POEM It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a
cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the
written word.
-OR-
You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a
cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the
written word.

4. SEX It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit
who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another
consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be
meaningful and beautiful.
-OR-
You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal
living solely for one carnal experience after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of that
special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and
candlelight.
-OR-
You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for
food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON It means that... You're a practical person who
believes in gifts that you can actually use.
-OR-
You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and
probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving
kitchen appliances.

Renting A Dream

I am still trying to figure out why I enter almost every contest and sweepstakes that I come across.   I never win anything.  I buy lottery tickets every so often, but I never win anything there either.  A friend told me that if I was going to buy a lottery ticket for a particular drawing, buy it early to get my money's worth.  I didn't understand, but he explained.  You are renting a dream.  The earlier you buy it, the longer you get for your rental payment.  If you win, you get your rent back!  The cost of the ticket is only for the dream of winning.  The odds against winning are so high, I tell my wife that she only has a slightly better chance of winning if she buys a ticket!

Is your smart phone taking over your life?  Are you addicted to its pleasures and demands? Do you have less time for the "normal" pleasures of life?  A good measure of your dependency is to leave it home and turned off for a week.  If you can do that, you might not be addicted...

Irish Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, went to Paris to expand his line of furniture

In Paris, he visited manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to have a glass of wine. He noticed that the small place was crowded, and the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

A beautiful young girl asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); he invited her to sit in the vacant chair. He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn’t speak English. After a couple minutes of trying to communicate with her, he drew a picture of a wine glass on a napkin and showed her. She nodded, so he ordered her a glass of wine.

Later, he drew a picture of a plate of food on a napkin, she nodded. They found a quiet cafe that featured romantic music. They ordered dinner, then he took another napkin and drew a couple dancing. She nodded, and they danced until the cafe closed.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. 

"I stay away from the miserable people, because misery loves company. Just look at a fly strip. You never see a fly stuck there saying. "Go around! Go around!"
- Margaret Smith

Advice from Curtis & Leroy:
Limit all US politicians to two terms..
One in office
One in prison ......
Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them. 

An English-Chinese interpretation:

• Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching

• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

• He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register... 


In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy hot.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .' 


In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? 

Commercials vs. News Videos...

Isn't news on the web great?  It seems that almost all the stories I want to read about are actually videos instead.  Can't people READ anymore ?   Is this all because they play stupid commercials before you can actually see the video that you clicked on ?  Captive audiences!  Have any of you noticed that even if you have your browser set for blocking popup windows, if you click on some sites, they get around the browser blocker because it is a reaction to your click that they CAN popup a ad window!  When I see that I am forced to watch a commercial before the story I am interested in, I click it off.  When I get an unsolicited popup ad, I click the red-x and abandon the ad.  This has got to stop, or someday we will see babies born with diaper ads on their hiney!

People are getting fired because of what they say on Fleecebook!  Obviously, these people are COMPLETE idiots,  Nobody, repeat nobody should say anything on Fleecebook that they wouldn't want to see in the headlines of a national newspaper.  Employers are within their rights to expect that grievances (legal) will be kept private.  Anything you say CAN and Will be held against you....

Don't park illegally in Lithuania- in fact you probably shouldn't go to Lithuania.  Illegally parked cars are summarily run over by a tank to teach the owners respect!!  I can't think of one reason to go, but many not to!

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "Look at all this manure, there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

A woman was sitting in her living room chatting with her neighbor. She looked out of her window and saw her husband coming home with flowers in his hand.

"Oh no", said the woman. "Here comes my husband with flowers. Now I'll have to spend all night on my back with my feet up in the air".

"What's the matter?" asks the neighbor. "Don't you have a vase in the house?"

Woman asks: If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

Confucius answer her: 'It's very simple. When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key'.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?
John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."  

Old Dogs Need Rest
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.. Can I come with him tomorrow?'  

My mother taught me....
...TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ~ "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
...RELIGION ~ "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
...about TIME TRAVEL ~ "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
...LOGIC ~ "Because I said so, that's why."
...MORE LOGIC ~ "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
...FORESIGHT ~ "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
...IRONY ~ "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
...about the science of OSMOSIS ~ "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
...about CONTORTIONISM ~ "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
...about STAMINA ~ "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
...about WEATHER ~ "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
...about HYPOCRISY ~ "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
...the CIRCLE OF LIFE ~ "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
...about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION ~ "Stop acting like your father!"
...about ENVY ~ "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
...about ANTICIPATION ~ "Just wait until we get home."
...about RECEIVING ~ "You are going to get it when you get home!"
...MEDICAL SCIENCE ~ "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
...ESP ~ "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
...HUMOUR ~ "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
...HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT ~ "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
...GENETICS ~ "You're just like your father."
...about my ROOTS ~ "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
...WISDOM ~ "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
my favorite:

...about JUSTICE ~ "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."  

No One Thought

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

A Senior Adventure “$5.37.

That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

“Only $4.68,” he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

He offered these kind words, “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.  

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way before, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
**JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call..

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects..

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next..

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.. 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.*

** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!  

Hurray for BofA- NOT

This is really bad.  There are many people living on the street that would welcome a house to live in, but BofA is destroying their least salable foreclosures.  Completely writing their value off anyway, what would be the big issues with donating the houses to local homeless?  There is NO DOUBT that banks are HEARTLESS!  I am so glad that MY tax dollars went to save their asses so that they could do this...

The political flow chart

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads; When bottom level guys look up, they see
only assholes.

I have never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly

The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching
the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "The good old days,"
when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,

"Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used
to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther,

"Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes
lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering
kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how,
after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Hokeyness Aside...

We went to see Cowboys and Aliens last night. There were too many reasons to go to see the movie in spite of the lackluster reviews.
Billed as James Bond meets Indiana Jones, we were intrigued as to how well both Ford and Craig fit so well into a Western.  I hope they both get another chance to be in one, even if not together.  The movie is a bit hokey, as one would expect from mixing the two genres, but honesty, I think it played out much better than the critics allowed.  They were really to hard on Olivia Wilde, as well. Nobody seemed surprised when a woman wanted to go after the aliens, though.

You really have to go with the flow of the almost unbelievable script to enjoy it.  We enjoyed it and we both love both of the genres individually.  Without that, it won't work at all.

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman
came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg
over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a
sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down
there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched
back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and
asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and
asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The
bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Jesus a glass of
Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered
into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey,
is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the
redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and
danced a jig out the door.

 Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his
hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

The ULTIMATE Price

How do you put a value on the 65 million email addresses and boat-loads of personal information that has FREELY been provided to Fleecebook?  When an IPO does occur, what is the value of Fleecebook's assets?  Who will pay the ULTIMATE price in this charade of raping the user's identities ?

Definitions:

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually ME-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

ADULT:
Person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

SKELETON: 
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Hooked-On Phones

Are you hooked on positive feedback?  Are you constantly checking your smart phone for new messages?  Have you become annoying to all around you?  Can you break the habit?  Is this as bad as caffeine or nicotine ?  If the dad-blamed phone is so smart, why doesn't it TELL you when there is a message- or why don't you let it tell you?  Is this like petting your dog or touching your mate?

"My husband and I found this great new method of birth control that really, really works... Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids."
- Roseanne


How smart phone users see each other:

"Yugo" Still Lives...Reincarnated...

I would love dearly to dump my cable carrier, comically known as the "Yugo" of cable companies.  There isn't very much choice, though.  The cable already runs to my house, and unfortunately, besides the overpriced cable programming; they have the largest bandwidth internet available here.  SO if I switch to dish, the programming will cost the same, but the internet from my bable company will go up because of debundling.  I could abandon the whole mess and just go for internet programming, but it is taking way too long to settle down.  First Hulu has free programming, along with a few others.  Netflix was the movie choice, but they are getting selfish now.  I would REALLY like a single point-of-contact on the net for programming, but I may be asking too much too early.  There is a lot of settling that has to happen first.  Meanwhile, pay, pay, pay....

The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

"Jews and Christians are different in a lot of ways. Some Christian people will actually have religious bumper stickers on their cars. Like 'Jesus is King', 'The Lord Saves'. Jews don't do that. You'll never see, 'Honk If You Love Moses.'"
- Gregg Rogell

During a particularly wet winter, floodwaters rise so high in one town that the National Guard evacuates all the residents.

One man stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left behind.

"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat and we'll carry you to safety!"

But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the Lord will save me."

The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later, when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat appears.

"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save you!"

But the man sends them away again, saying, "No, no, the Lord will save me!"

The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney and barely keeping his head above water. A helicopter, doing a final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker says,

"Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"

But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, "No, the Lord will save me!"

But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God, "God, why didn't you save me?"

And God says, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

Lipstick in Catholic School (you've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2007 and 2008. 

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA)

Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040. 

Brain Shrinkage ?

The Postal Service is aiming to close many of their offices.  One of our post offices has an automated system that allows for a user to weigh and affix postage to a parcel, or buy stamps, etc. and all by debit or credit card.  I usually go to that office to use this machine because there is not usually a line.  If this machine deals with more than 90% of why you go to a post office, then I really don't understand what the other 10% is or why so many people would rather wait in line to be waited on.  I hope they strategically place these machines around town, because I would rarely, if ever, seek a "personal" touch.  BTW, does this mean that they won't ask for higher prices on postage ????

Apparently scientists now say that brain shrinkage is uniquely human.  This fact, of course, is extremely believable.  What they didn't have anything to say about, was the disparity between the starting sizes of human brains.  This certainly is an evolving trait based on how much utilization we get out of our brains.  Theoretically then, it must also be an acceptable fact that politicians have many relatives, and they are affecting the gene pool.

Is there anywhere that we can escape from advertising now?  At the movies there are more commercials that previews.  On your smart phone, there are ads wherever you look.  At the gas stations there are flatscreen digital ads continuously.  Almost every website you access on the web has ads.  The TV is crowded with ads.  My blog even has ads.  How can we escape?  Please continue NOT to click on any of them.  Eventually, each advertiser will realize the futility of the ads and cease and desist.

A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??   HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!