Not on My Grave Puhleeze!

This has REALLY gone TOO FAR.  Now there are Quick Response (QR) codes appearing everywhere- even on grave markers!  So I go to visit a friend's grave- which is supposed to be forever- and they want me to use the QR code to go to a website with my smart phone so that they can capture my private data while I peruse somebody's last words to my friend on his website!  What's up with that.  I guess, if I don't have a smart phone- or there is no coverage at the cemetery, I would get left out.  GIMME A BREAK!  This is not only STUPID and INSULTING but also BIASED as hell.  I can't imagine who would do this- oh yes I can:  I saw that there are t-shirts with QR codes on the back, so that (discreetly) you can process them with your smart phone and make subtle contact, if you wish.  THIS GUY, wearing the t-shirt, WOULD PUT a QR CODE on someone's GRAVE MARKER!  

[Those of you with smart phones, process the QR code above for a special message!!]

"I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood
all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily, it was a Wednesday
and we were just playing golf."
- Brian Kiley

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said,

"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I
was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than
ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed
she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're
older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES."

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes
that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign
saying,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit and holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun says,  "Please place $50 in
the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's
cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Biggest Lies
The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

...then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

Here's Your Sign...

Sometimes I wonder how some people make it through the day.  They are so stupid that they should have it tattooed on their forehead.  Today I went into the market for a few items before coming home.  As I walked through the bread isle, I noticed a large display in the center of the walkway that was for a new kind of flavored butter product.  One had honey int it, another cinnamon.  I picked up one and read "REFRIGERATE". Immediately, I went to the front counter and told an attendant.  Her response was, "The salesman put up the display, you'd think he'd know that it needed refrigeration."  So meanwhile they came and took down the display.  I wonder if it all spoiled....Dumb as a box of hair!

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"

Southern Comments
Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart." 

Celebrities Visiting....

Sometimes I wish I had paid more attention to my dog when I take him out to do his binness...  He waddles about sniffing to look for an appropriate and deserving place.  Bottom line is, though,  if he can't screw it or eat it, he pisses on it!  Works for me too, especially regarding lawyers, banks, politicians and salesmen.

My daughter works in a small store on State Street (Santa Barbara) and says that Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively came in and shopped today.  She sold them some baby toys.

 

Here's the latest:  If you are somewhat weird celebrity, or just like the idea of naming your kids with strange first names- don't do it in New Zealand.  They have outlawed a whole long list of unacceptable names, such as Lucifer, Duke, Messiah, Bishop, Baron, General, Judge, King, Knight and Mr.  I wouldn't be surprised if you'd have to submit the proposed name and await approval, kind of like a special license plate for your car.

SCHOOL BUS IN JAPAN

 






SCHOOL BUS IN INDIA
 
.........and which country do you get when you have a technical problem with your computer?

If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

Pizza Time

In this time of austerity, we just had pizza for dinner for $1.99 per person.  You ask, how could we do that when an average large pizza is close to $30?  Costco sells an 18 inch pizza which is actually very good, but for $9.95.  It must be a loss leader.  At any rate, when it is just me and my wife, I can buy a double slice for $1.99.  One each of those is more than enough to get my pizza fix, without pigging out!  Not having extra slices means we won't eat them, and in this case we don't pay for them either.

I remember when it was fun to go to the Pizza Time Theater and watch old movies while we ate.  Somehow, that has lost its charm when you do the same at home.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.
The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim,

"Wow! It just missed the highway!"

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass"! 

Men "Defined"

1 He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

3. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

4. .He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

5. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

6. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of  "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

7. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

8. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

9. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

10. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

More Budget Woes

This is pretty amazing:  A guy moves into a abandoned home in Texas and files some papers which included a $16 fee and now he owns the place.  Why is this legal ?  Apparently his obligations to the mortgage holder are nil because they went out of business.  It really appears as though there were a number of events which all occurred in sequence that made this possible.

I am sure tired about these different states and the Fed not being able to make a budget.  I can't either, because everything keeps changing in cost. What about when WE can't make our budget ?  I guess I'll raise taxes.

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Lady #1.
"Do what?" asked Lady #2.
"Send my lawn away to be mowed." 

Ponderings
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? 

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There's only one problem"

"What is it Ma?"

"They won't let me fart."

Good Bye Harry Potter....

Another end to an era, the era of Harry Potter.  We went to see the last of the movies last evening and we got exactly as we expected.  The movie actually surpassed what we pictured during reading the book.  It was undoubtedly the best of the series and a crescendo to the ten years of HP.  It was so good to finally understand the innuendos of the story and see it end happily.  The unfortunate thing is that as I left the theater, all enthused, I became sad because there were no more Harry Potter movies to look forward to.  It is just as though I had gone through episodes of a dreamworld, only to wake up to reality.  How sad.  How wonderful at the same time that I got to experience ten years of another world that left my imagination better than it found it.  Thanks J.K. for the experience.

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas ........ Documentaries.

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on- this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! Up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya? "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania " The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?" "I'm a taxidermist," said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man says,"I mount animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!" 

Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 
 
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football are as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses.. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!


And there is more..............
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down......
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country......
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. .......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....  

 

College or Not?

I was gung-ho.  I graduated high school when I was sixteen and couldn't wait to leave my peers treatment of an immature brainiac to enter community college.  I was going to become a math teacher and show all what I could do.  Exposure to a room-sized, slow but intriguing computer left me but no choice as to conquer it and the field.  I left community college with an Associate's degree and moved on to transfer to a four year school as a transfer.  Continuing to slay the challenges that lay before me; next was the master's program.  Accused by my father as over educated and non-employable, I still marched forward.  After orals and the PhD screening exam, I could no-longer continue the poor lifestyle and decided to get a job from one of my many management-type students in the classes I was teaching.  I left with a master's, a PhD opportunity and a teaching credential.
This background did not cover the maturation and focus that I learned in college.  To have avoided it (as they now say, it may not be necessary), would have been devastating to my career (?) and life in general.  I say, HOGWASH.  College is more than going to school.  It is a necessary evolution in thinking and in direction, as well as values.  One certainly can learn what one wants out of their life and aim for it.  I am disappointed in our culture for even suggesting that it may not be worthwhile ($) to get a college education.  Expenses have certainly gone up, but the real worth is not what I can make (dollars) in my career lifetime, but what that career will be.

Sensitive Husband

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Bachmann is Churchless!

So I guess Michelle Bachmann is even too extreme for her own church, as her Pastor kindly asked her to leave her church for good.  Is this someone we want to be in charge of nuclear arms, missiles, bombers....?  I think not.  Please stay away from the White House.

In a never ending effort to get you on Fleecebook and never to get off- for any reason, Zuck's crowd is now busily working on a way for you to read the news while in Fleecebook, AND you can do it with your friends!

Thank goodness it is FINALLY FRIDAY!!!

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
If Jesus returned today, He might misinterpret women hailing him when they were getting a cell phone pic, Looking at their watch, Buying condoms, Shaving their pubes, Going to Olive Garden and on to the mall...

 

Metamorphosis!

Looking forwards to another (last) Harry Potter installment.  My kids grew up with him and I enjoyed every one of the books/movies.  It is just great when a series actually gets to the end an actually finishes a story.  I'm quite sure that there will be more stories coming from Rowling.  I hope they are as good...

Google is changing your brain to be more dependent on the internet! We are going through a metamorphosis on how our brain organizes data, and what is decides to remember- the data or how to access it on the internet.

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I
know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine
suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers
you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there
but such a beautiful car, a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur
and all.

Then he takes me out for a dinner.  Marvelous dinner. Lobster
even. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it
so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming
back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely
crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with
me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with
him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Things My Parents Taught Me

My parents taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My parents taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My parents taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My parents taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My parents taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My parents taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My parents taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My parents taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My parents taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father/mother!"

My parents taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My parents taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father/mother gets home."

My parents taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU
..then you'll see what it's like."

 

COMPUTER PROBLEM:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during
system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. Ican not seem to purge
Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

ANSWER:
This is very a common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high in maintenance costs. 

Medical notes -These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgo...

The patient has no previous history of suicide.
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE TROUBLE SPELLING

AOCDRNDICG TO RSCHEEARCH AT CMABRIGDE UINERVTISY, IT DSENO'T MTAETR WAHT OERDR THE LTTERES IN A WROD ARE, THE OLNY IPROAMTNT TIHNG IS TAHT THE FRSIT AND LSAT LTEETR BE IN THE RGHIT PCLAE. TIHS IS BCUSEAE THE HUAMN MNID DEOS NOT RAED ERVEY LTETER BY ISTLEF, BUT THE WROD AS A WLOHE. IF YOU CAN RAED TIHS, PSOT IT TO YUOR WLAL. OLNY 55% OF PLEPOE CAN

Cramming!

I used to think that all the evil in the world lived in oil companies and banks, but now you can add telephone companies to the list.  Apparently there are over $2 billion unauthorized telephone charges that the companies are sticking us with.  It is called "cramming".  Many people just pay the bill they get, I don't.

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, *Mr* MacDonald walked in."

She was only a...
PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.

HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.

BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!

STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!

FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!

PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!

SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.

ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.

WELDER'S daughter but she had acetylene tits.

SaleIt was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I will not open the damn store!"

 

FREEMIUMS?

It is a major transformation- a coup an an extremely major scale.  Who would think that a whole new  stream of revenue from out-of-the-blue.  Imagine convincing the populace that they want to pay us to take personal information such a buying and spending trends a create a market to sell the information for focused marketing.  We will cover most of the populate in only a few short years by enticing people to utilize handheld feed devices (i.e. smart phones) that allow  us to gather all the information we need.  The service providers have made it so easy to get a smart phone (could be free) with only a two year contract to pay them back (we think for the phone, but the info is worth more than the phone).  It is becoming as impossible to find a non-smart phone as it was two years ago to find a phone without a camera!  The apps (for enticement) are too numerous to elaborate on, but basically provide for every user need (while taking what they need). 
I feel like I have harped and harped and even pontificated on the process of paying (actually twice) to be ripped off.  I don't think many of you are paying attention and think that I'm paranoid.
Fleecebook is providing the same enticements in a different form and still ripping our privacy away by the roots.  At lease there are some news stories discussing the process and that Fleecebook is losing its earlier luster. 
What about "FREEMIUMS"?  Have you ever considered why they provide them ?  Just as 'smart' phones are smart for their providers, free merchandise or services are only a means to get your feet in the proverbial spending doorway.  An example occurred yesterday, on 7/11, the 7-Eleven stores give away free Slurpees which increased their business significantly last year.  Who goes in to get a cookie or chips and doesn't want a free Slurpee?  That combination will surely appeal again before the year finishes, but this time, you'll pay for your snack AND your Slurpee.  What they REALLY should do is make Slurpees ALWAYS free.  That would cause buyers to come to 7-Eleven ALL year over other stores without the offer...

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

"Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

The heart attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.  The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.  A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.  She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect.  Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Pray Away the Gay?

What happens to the rear window memorial script on Latino cars when they sell their car and get another?  Do they get it applied again or have they had it long enough ? [I have always wondered about that.]


What happens when people that are overly tattooed or pierced apply for a job [maybe that doesn't happen]?  I'm just wondering what impact those people have on the unemployment rate....I mean, those that are unemployable.


Give me a break!  Michell Bachmann has a clinic where you "pray away the gay"!  That is the way to GET ELECTED.  She is shooting herself in the foot.  We knew she was an extremist, but not quite how far out....

Hurricanes

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US -- this comes along...
Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wordup, muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:
Pythagorean theorem:................................24 words.
Lord's prayer:......................................66 words.
Archimedes' Principle:..............................67 words.
10 Commandments:...................................179 words.
Gettysburg address:................................286 words.
Declaration of Independence :....................1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:..........7,818 words.
US Government regulations on sale of cabbage:...26,911 words.

SORT OF PUTS THINGS INTO PROPER PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?????

And I don’t like cabbage  

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary; alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter; and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund that lasts until you realize it was your money in the first place.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug: Satan, in the form of a mosquito, gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



  

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door while wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.  

More Privacy Erosion...

So even when I buy something in person, I am giving up some privacy.  Some retailers are trying to send purchase receipts via email instead of giving a printed receipt.  This means, of course, that they have my email address AND what I bought as a start for focused marketing- all with the guise of going green- saving a tree, et cetera.  We'd actually be better off if we didn't get a receipt!  Our privacy is being eroded by ever so small amounts and eventually we won't have any...

The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.
Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sum_body bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won.” 

Texan Answer to Welfare

There are people who genuinely are totally unable to work & need government assistance. This isn’t for them. This is for those I recently heard called "government handout addicts."

From: Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX

Put me in charge of :

FOOD STAMPS. Get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash
for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice, beans, cheese & all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak & frozen pizza, then get a job.

MEDICAID. Get women birth control & men condoms (for free). Test
recipients for drugs, alcohol, & nicotine, document all tattoos &
piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.

GOVERNMENT HOUSING. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your “home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

Either present a check stub from a job weekly or
report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of
trash, painting & repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.. We will sell your 22 inch rims & low profile tires, your blasting stereo & speakers and put that money toward the common good.

Realize that all of this is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules... Before you say this would be "demeaning" and ruin "self esteem," consider that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing is demeaning and lowers self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices, instead of rewarding them for continuing to make bad choices.

AND while on Govt subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that
is correct. It would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Govt welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.