The Hum

Hold on to your hat.... the "Hum" has returned- and still nobody knows what is causing it!  [Soon Sarah Palin will take credit!!] 

I guess the fat lady has not yet sung with regards to the Winklevoss Twins' suit against Zuck for ripping off the Fleecebook idea.  It will probably have to be reviewed by the Supreme Court, if they will.  I'm not sure what other avenues they have....

"I think we should all treat each other like Christians. I, however, will not be responsible for the consequences."
- George Carlin

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.

The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."

"So I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No."

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"

"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi....

"Why Not???" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!" (thanks to Adam Cochran)

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

I can't get enough minimalism. (thanks to Mark)

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 

A Few Rules of Life
1. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
4. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
5. Life is sexually transmitted.
6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
7. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
9. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
10. You can still get the last word in: Apologize.
11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use a computer and they won't bother you for weeks.
12. Some people are like Slinkies . . . they are not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, dying for no apparent reason.
14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
17. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
18. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
19. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Two Cows
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. 

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.  


FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.  

$100 Billion of Your Money

Forget about using your cell phone while you're driving or texting while you walk or ride a bike; here is an EVEN MORE REAL danger, distracted parenting can be hazardous to your KIDS!!  How can you prevent dangers from affecting your kids, if you are not watching ?  I haven't seen any statistics, but would there be less abductions or backed-over toddlers or shocked toddlers (...) if they were being paid due attention ?

REVISITED:  Think again, why would the estimate on Fleecebook's value be set at $100 billion now?  The more people that join, the more information that can be mined, the more that can be sold AND the more that those advertisers can get a focused and directed audience, the more they will pay AND the more it is worth.  So, once again, we freely share our desires, and private thoughts as well as identities to Fleecebook to sell (making boo-koo bucks), while we buy directed and focused products at a higher price (because they have to pay Fleecebook for the information).  This has got to register in your minds eventually:  YOU ARE BEING RIPPED OFF!!

Mebbie SOME of you are catching on that the risks and expense is too great.  We'll keep our PRIVATE information to ourselves, THANK YOU VERY MUCH< BUT NO THANKS!  There appears to be a trend at Fleecebook losing its glow!

Happy Endings
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, And feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even Paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen Refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only If she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE A HAPPY ENDING? 

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"

Bat Chain Puller Convention in NH

Must be a Bat Chain Puller Convention in New Hampshire today.  I guess most of the hopefuls or hopeless are there.  The only candidate that I have ANY confidence in would be Rick Perry, and he's not official yet. Michelle Bachmann throws her hat into the presidential ring.  Now we will (certainly) have to listen to much BS.  Also, I will bet that Sarah Palin does not run.  Her position in the party is "igniter". Her comments are parlayed into ignitions for distrust and other bad things.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.

Good Morning!
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the
bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain: God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" 

A Man's Perspective
I know I'm not going to ever understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.  

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the Night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken farmer it is."

Defaults Backwards on Fleecebook....

Thank you avid hikers and walkers that have dogs, for picking up your dog's poop (most of the time) in a black plastic bag, and then leaving it on the trail.  I am collecting them and turning in the fingerprints as a citizen's arrest for littering!  How annoying!


So let's suppose that you are hopelessly hooked on Fleecebook and need to know about how to opt out of their newest invasion of your privacy, facial recognition.  It isn't easy- certainly not as easy as it SHOULD be.  Actually, ALL new INVASION-OF-PRIVACY features should be DEFAULTed to OFF, but Zuck's selfish purses won't let that happen...

Having lunch with my grandson...

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him,

"What day is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day!"

He is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... Etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House,

and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose... 

A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a Bishop baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and deeps him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he deeps the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Bishop

'Are you sure this is where JESUS fell in?' 

Fixing Ourselves

Perhaps the first and one of the most important moves that the gubmint can make to help create jobs is to stop itself from buying foreign made products.  I am speaking of military, postal, national parks, federal museums (and gift stores) and all other acquisitions.  Mebbie Motorola or Apple don't make the best cell phones and Dell, Apple or HP don't make the best computers, but they deserve the gubmint's business(at all levels).  Now granted, that would be a big step.  Next on the list is to REQUIRE a large percentage of every product be American made.  It is very difficult to find items that are TOTALLY made from American parts or that is EVEN assembled here.  Putting some restrictions on what the gubmint CAN procure has got to be the easiest to accomplish.  BTW, how did that big Air Force acquisition of refueler planes ever get offered to Airbus anyway ???  I used to have a rule-of-thumb that I would buy the best that I could for what I could afford, hence the two Hondas that I own.  These cars were both manufactured here, and may have American parts, but at least they were assembled by Americans.  Given the choices that I have today, I would most probably go with a Ford.  Unfortunately, there may be a lot of foreign made parts in the Big Three's cars, as well.  
All of the companies try to remain competitive, price wise, and must incorporate parts from wherever in order to remain in business.  Theoretically, this will get better, as we encourage more Americans to stretch their dollars and support American manufacturing.

EXERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you
with his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky
down your throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard
and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck
up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your
smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to
seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist
with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with
a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat
tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

Pay, Pay, Pay...

BEWARE:  The smart(spy)phone data collectors are at it again.  Many more retailers are jumping on the bandwagon to use QR (Quick Response) codes to collect your private data.  The LA Times reports:

"For privacy advocates, however, QRs are one more source of concern. That's because the codes don't just impart information, they can also collect data on where and when a QR was scanned. They can, in some cases, even latch on to the phone user's name, age and other personal information.

"Theoretically, over time companies can build up their database and amass a collection of information that leads to a profile of who I am and what I buy," said Julie Ask, a mobile marketing analyst at Forrester."

Remember, the only thing "smart" about a smart phone is how the service provider and its subscribers can use its capabilities to get information about the user.  All the other conveniences and niceties of the appliance (smartphone), come with major baggage and subversive byproducts.  Meanwhile, the service providers are raking in the bucks every time you use one of their "collection" features AND you are paying premium fees to boot, to let them do this to you!!!  How "SMART" can that be????

Suppose you drive by a a for sale sign in front of a home that you might be interest in.  In the past, given that you had not been directed here by a realtor, or saw an ad about the place; there would usually be a fact sheet in a box attached to the sign.  This would have some pertinent information about the features and price of the house.  Now some realtor in the Chicago area have put QR codes on their sign, so if you have a smart phone with the right app, you can immediately go to their website and see pertinent information as well as videos of the interior and grounds.  Sounds convenient, advantageous, et cetera.  When you took a fact sheet, if you had enough interest, you would call the realtor.  When you processed the QR code, not only did you see all the promotional stuff, but the realtor got your name, phone number, and God only knows what other information INSTANTLY from your smartphone.  GET READY FOR A CALL BACK!

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately" 

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"  

Only In Florida....Ya just can't make this stuff up!!

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Taped to the box was this note:  "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister.

No hard feelings. Have a nice day. 

OOGLE

BUT WHY? Chinese scientists have genetically modified dairy cows to produce human breast milk, and hope to be selling it in supermarkets within three years. This is beyond my understanding....

What we need is an OOGLE App to prevent Weinergates before they start.... Annabelle Gurwich of the Huffington Post poses that all smartphones should have this app to preserve your current station in life.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.


This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Sign of the times

In Lakewood, a Tennessee State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.
Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"

The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we said to just sell lemonade!)

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in GRASS VALLEY, CA. it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man...
What do you see nurses? . . ... . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . .  when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ..... . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . .. . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .. . . ..... . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .. . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . ..... . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . ..... . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . .. with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . ... . ... who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . ... a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . .. my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . .... . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .. . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . ... . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . ..... . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years .. . . .. . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . ...... and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . ... . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . ... gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . ... . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . ... . open and see.
Not a crabby old man . ... . . Look closer . .. . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

We will all, one day, be there, too!


Sign in Alaska...

How come...

1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing.

3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Life Explained...
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty yea rs... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. 

The River
A Minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

The sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader, stood very cautiously and announced with a smile -- nearly laughing. "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather At The River." 


A man and his wife are sitting in the living room when he turns to her and says, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV. 

Liver Mush?

Very high on my Yuck meter:  The latest "old" treat to come to light is North Carolina's Liver Mush.  Why couldn't they even come up with a misleading-to-the-actual-contents name? I was brought up on organ meats like kidney, hearts,  thymus (sweatbreads) and liver, and parts of the steer, pig and lamb that we even recognized; like tongue and tripe.  It was never foisted upon me as a cheap means to get meat protein, or a stomach filler consisting mostly of corn mush.  I'm really not surprised that there are local ethnic and traditional food still available.  I AM surprised though, that they (in particular, this one) is so popular!

More fuel for the Bank of Idiots fire over invalid foreclosures.  This guy owed $0.00 and BOA decided to foreclose.  Gimme a break!  Apparently between Wall Street and BOA, the idiots are keeping employed...

So Zuck has rolled out another new feature on Fleecebook to aid in stripping another layer of privacy.  The feature will scan pictures that are on your page and attempt, through facial recognition. to label who is in the picture.  Of course, this feature is ON by default.  Anonymity no longer exists on Fleecebook.  Anyone that can see your page, can see your pictures  and the names of who appears in them, correct or not.  This is bad for all concerned.

People in Russia must have nasty toilet habits or that is where they run when there is a bomb threat!  They have now developed "Bomb Proof" toilets!

I think I'm in the wrong profession.  I think that there is REAL money in a Clearinghouse for politicians' tweets and e-mails.  The service would receive them and filter out the ones that would KILL YOUR CAREER!

Why Why Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

You know you're in California when . .

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember..... is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 830 at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Hey!!!! Is pot illegal????
Both you AND your dog have therapists
Your power goes off before you finish reading thi.............. 

"Weiner-Gate"?

So all day I am reading that Weiner should resign or not.  He's the guy that sent a lewd (?)picture of himself to woman in Seattle, but manage to do it wrong and broadcast it on Twitter instead.  First when he realized what he had done, he tried to lie and tell everyone that he'd been hacked.  If that was true, where did the picture come from?  Then when he realized that he was living "Weiner-gate", he admitted that he'd sent it, but he is sorry.  Unfortunately, "sorry" doesn't cut it. First, if you accept that he lied and nothing happens as a result of it, then you are ready to accept more lies. Secondly, his wife, who is the chief of staff for Hillary at the State Department, is certainly embarrassed.  Did she accept his apology?  And who is this woman in Seattle?  IMHO, this guy (as well as this marriage) has got SERIOUS problems.  He is now going to get investigated by the House Ethics committee.  They will find SOMETHING.  I'd bet on it.
Just suppose, though, that he used his smart phone frequently and that information WAS stolen from his phone and then sent over Twitter.  We should ALL realize that we are at the mercy of technology and it is ALWAYS looking for us to make a mistake....

In the News: Nancy Pelosi has announced "Congressman Weiner isn't the big man we thought he was, we're looking into it." Pictures at 11:00

How to change your oil-

WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube or Valvoline Instant Oil Change when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee while they change the oil.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Cost: $29.99 oil change, $2.00 coffee. Total $32.00

MEN:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to the auto parts store. Buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner (don't forget a little tree air freshener). Write a check to the auto parts store for approximately $50.
2. Stop by 7/11 on the way home, buy a case of beer. Write a check for $20.00.
3. Drive home with oil and beer.
4. Open beer, enjoy it.
5. Spend 30 minutes looking for the jack stands.
6. Find the jack stands (finally) under the kid's pedal car, jack the car up.
7. Open another beer, drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16" box end wrench for drain plug
10. Give up looking ten minutes later, find crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug into pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil onto your hands and face in the process. Cuss and swear.
13. Crawl out from under car, wipe hot oil from hands and face. Throw some kitty litter on the spilled oil.
14. Open another beer while watching the last drops of oil drain.
15. Spend 30 minutes looking for the oil filter wrench.
16. Give up looking for oil filter wrench, crawl under car and hammer a flat-head screwdriver through the oil filter and twist it off.
17. Crawl out from under car, splashing hot oil everywhere from newly made holes in oil filter. 
18. Cleverly hide used oil filter in trash to avoid those pesky environmental penalties. Open another beer.
19. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to the gasket.
20. Pour the first quart of new oil into engine.
21. Oops! Now remember the drain plug (removed in step 11). It's still swimming in the now-warm oil in the drain pan.
22. Throw more kitty litter on the quart-sized oil puddle on the floor.
23. Open another beer and drink it.
24. Find drain plug with a minimum of spillage, hand-tighten in drain plug socket. Drink beer.
25. Crawl under car (getting oily kitty litter embedded in neck and arms). Tighten drain plug with crescent wrench, but this time, it's slippery. Bang your knuckles on the frame while tightening drain plug.
26. Throw crescent wrench across the garage in anger. Throw a fit because crescent wrench hits bowling trophy (which wife wouldn't let stay in the house).
27. Open another beer and drink it.
28. Clean hands, bandaging where needed to stop blood flow.
29. Pour in five quarts of fresh oil.
30. Lower car from jack stands. Smile at your handiwork. Open another beer and drink it.
31. Move car back to discover oil puddles you missed; apply more kitty litter to missed areas.
32. Test drive car to make sure oil doesn't leak.
33. Get pulled over a block from the house by local police, get arrested for DUI.
34. Call loving wife and bail bondsman.
35. Next day, get car out of impound yard.
Cost: $50 parts, $20 beer, Impound fee $75, Bail $1500, DUI $2500 minimum. Total $4145 (but you know the job was done right!)
  

Men's rules women should learn
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.


 

More Bat Chain Pullers and the Bank of Idiots...

Stealing a line from Randy Jackson of American Idol, yet another (relatively unknown publicly) Bat Chain Puller enters the fray as Santorum claims "He is in it to win it!".  This guy is popular among extreme social conservatives who prefer his strong anti-abortion stance and opposition to gay marriage and embryonic stem cell research.  The Bible Belters will have their candidate, but does he REALLY have a chance where the electoral votes live?

Here is a letter to Alec Baldwin that I feel should be repeated....

Here is a solution to the mtg/ foreclosur­e problem. Take the houses that Freddie Mac /Fannie Mae own and gradually raffle them off. Put one house per county up for raffle at a time. If a Mtg. is $250,000, sell $500,000 worth of raffle tickets. The first $250,000 goes to making the loan whole. The remaining monies would be split by the 30% to each local, state, and federal govts and the last 10% for the overhead of the raffle. This would aid in the deficits reductions at each level of government­. Speed up the liquidatio­n of excess homes on the market. Add Liquidity into the retail market because the winner now owns a home that has no mortgage, freeing up monies for retail purchases and renovation­s.  [rfmaneater]

THIS IS GREAT!  A couple pays cash for a house, and Bank of America (Idiots) tries to foreclose on it!  Later they drop the proceedings, but do not cough up the legal fees.  This couple seized the assets of the local branch!  GOOD FOR THEM!!!

Apple announced its iCloud system today so that users can store/retrieve their files from the Apple server.  Let us hope that THIS cloud has a silver lining rather than black.  How safe do we think their server is?  Will they data-mine the files or are they encrypted and private?  The DEVIL is in the DETAILS.  By the way, are expecting to be connected ALL THE TIME to the internet so that we can access these files?  Would I EVER want a local copy?  Are we REALLY moving towards the Google Chrome paradigm, where we DON'T HAVE ANY LOCAL STORAGE?

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

OLD SUCKS
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year old. "When you're
seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"


"I don't wake up until 7:00."  

 

Beware of QR Codes

BEWARE:  Many more small businesses are trying to take advantage of QR codes by placing them on their advertisements, whether electronic or printed.  This is a very good idea for them as it sends you to their website, if you have a smart(spy)phone and you take advantage.  The key thing to remember is that it is NOT one way.  When you use your app to decipher the 2D barcode and apply it, your information (more than likely) goes to the website as it  is opened.  At a minimum, they get your ID and phone number, so they can continue to text you ads and coupons.  What you cannot tell is just HOW MUCH of your information was transferred to them and what they will do with it.

If you haven't seen this article, the gubmint has declassified portions of the Area 51 documents and National Geographic is publishing the pictures (and see here also) with a story in an upcoming issue.  All this is obviously very interesting, but I see NO MENTION of any extra-terrestrial information, particularly the Roswell incident.

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"

Funny Business Signs
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi. "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

Did you hear that Lady Ga-Ga adopted a baby? Do you want to know what it's name is? BABY GOO-GOO-GA-GA

Thinking outside of the Box
Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgot the merchant's debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.
The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant's garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story.
The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.
The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers. What would you recommend the girl do?
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked." Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.