If it ain't on Fleecebook, It ain't TRUE!

UNDER THE CATEGORY, "GIVE ME A BREAK!"
The Fleecebook generation gets their news from Fleecebook- and it MUST be true because it is on Fleecebook!  Recently, somebody "borrowed" a story from The Onion and put it on Fleecebook.  It practically went viral as NEWS!  If this is what the world has come to, STOP THE CAROUSEL- I want to get off!

While providing many conveniences, the smart (smart for whom?) phone is causing many unexpected issues, like driving while using a handheld phone, texting while driving, and even texting while walking...  A town in Idaho just made it illegal! So how convenient can it be if I have to stop everything else I'm doing to deal with the phone.  I revealed previously that my daughter was entering a number in her phone while walking on the sidewalk and ran into a tree!  What price shall we put on convenience?

Last night we watch "I am Number Four".  Not know much about the movie and what to expect, I actually thought it was pretty good.  It is definitely a teeny-bopper movie though.  The action was great, but the romance was just short of what it could be.  It is expected that there will be sequels...

All About Farts

A fart can be quiet
A fart can be loud
Some leave a powerful
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short
Or a fart can be long
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.

A fart can create
A most curious medley
A fart can be harmless
Or silent but deadly.

A fart might not smell
While others are vile
A fart may pass quickly
Or linger a while...

A fart can occur
In a number of places
And leave everyone there
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie
To small elevators
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But all farts are bad
Is simply not true
We must not forget...
Sweet ole farts like me and you.

Old guy at the gym!

An older guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym, when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked his male trainer, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and replied, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

More Bat Chain Pullers Are Teetering ...

More Bat Chain Pullers still teetering on entering the fray.  The formerly"G"OP is sure planning on wasting an unbelievable amount of campaign monies.  One standout perspective candidate would clean up this whole mess.  The REALLY unfortunate part is the vetting process. You have to be clean (no skeletons or illegal housekeepers).  You have to be an inspirational speaker.  You have to owned by some part of Big Business (to foot some of the bills).  You have to be appealing and lie like you are honest.  You can't have pissed off anybody in your current or past politics.  I guess you are right, there ain't no such animal anymore, that is also a Republican.  Anyone that is worth their salt wouldn't bother running.  Now 2014 is a horse of a different color, once Obama is out of the picture.  That is the race to watch.  Meanwhile, the unemployed Bat Chain Pullers are jumpin' up and down yelling, "Me too, me too!".

This could be bad- for us.  Fleecebook's Zuck is in talks to partner with Netflix. This could mean that only films that we "Like" will be offered to our "Friends"....

It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.

He told Maria that their housekeeper wanted a raise.

Maria said, "Screw her." Any simple-minded, semi-literate

Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?

QUESTION:
"Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?"

ANSWER:
The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters
go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness.
The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty
characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception".

Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations
are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying
about--- they'll go where they're supposed to go, according to
the unknowable plans of the OEM.

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and
its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be
reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny
characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become
numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower case letters will
become upper case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares?
It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted,
undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC
and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC,
you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC
hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you
unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor
unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats
them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only
on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete
them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why
don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you
pig!!!!

The Green Thing..............
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained,

"We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day. In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day. Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.


Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then. They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then? 

Grandma’s 100th Birthday Party

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.When she started leaning forward, the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew…

“They won’t let me fart.”

Pay Close Attention (Just Ignore the Man Behind the Curtain)...

I knew it was coming.  I knew they wanted to replace my wallet with a smart (spy)Phone. I am all in favor of progress.  I value my identity, my credit and my privacy. I have used PayPal without incident for many years to support my eBay sales. I REALLY have only a few issues with the upcoming release of Google Wallet.  They are more philosophical issues than anything.  Many people go through life as omni-trusting individuals that only see the benefits to themselves, and not the risks.  I, as an Engineer, see the risks first, and try to balance them with the benefits.  Let's say that a Paypal-like system is implemented via my (theoretical) smart phone.  When I want to charge it, a barcode would appear on the screen and I swipe a reader.  So much for that.  How secure is that information given that (by law) in order to use my phone in my car, I have Bluetooth enabled?  What about the information stored at Google about my credit card?  That is probably the least of my issues.  What about my credit history and my purchasing habits?  Google says that they are going to enable coupons being sent to my smart phone that I can use towards purchases.  Obviously they are scrutinize not only what I buy, but where and for how much. That information is necessary for them to send me coupons that I will find opportunistic to use (i.e I don't need coupons for diapers...). All of that historical data will be available for Google to sell, as well.  I wish that I could see the benefits here, but I DO believe that the risks FAR OUT-WAY the benefits.  Yes, my time is valuable and the convenience factor is just amazing.  Suppose I lose my phone, or someone hacks into Google and uses my information...  And what happens when AT&T drops my transaction while it is occurring.  Do I swipe again, or not? How will I find out if it went through, or not?  What about all the additional revenue that the carriers will make from this transition? Each of the "swipe zones" should be WI-FI enabled as well, so that connection dropping is not an issue.  I don't know about your phone, but mine doesn't work too well indoors.  Soon, the states will stop issuing driver's licenses, and they'll only be available on your smart phone's display.  Your family pictures are already there.  If I don't need money, credit cards, pictures, health cards, prescriptions and business cards, why would I carry a wallet at all? Next I won't need back pockets on my jeans.  Actually I won't need jeans, because I'll be home sitting on the couch watching my big-screen and shopping on my smart (spy)phone and have no reason to go outside of my house.  This will be like the BEE Movie in human terms.  Google Wallet is just the tip of the iceberg! This is a fantastic and futuristic experiment.  I think I will feel more comfortable after it is running a few years.  I'll keep both feet in the past, dragging towards the future, but still have the reluctance to put one toe at a time into those cold, cold waters...  Apparently, this is just another pilot program, as many are happening around the globe, simultaneously- but none of the others have Google money behind them.

Paypal is suing Google for stealing secrets that have led to the introduction of Google Wallet. Apparently, the employees that have been enticed to leave PayPal and join Google have discovered that PayPal's algorithms and paradigms are the best way to accomplish the electronic wallet.  I'm actually surprised that Google didn't swallow PayPal long ago, but some people prefer to roll-their-own.

How disgusting.  Zuck is killing everything he eats. We all realize that this has to happen for us to eat, but the practice is disgusting.  I'd sooner become a Vegan.  I used to have guns and go hunting, and I would eat anything I kill, but I didn't kill everything I ate.  I can certainly understand that everyone should be aware of where their food comes from, and that lives are lost to provide us, but this is just gross.  Mebbie I should be a Vegan....or mebbie Zuck should be....  Why is he killing a GOAT, anyway?  Who (in the US) eats GOAT?

Everyone says that one shouldn't text and drive.  I think you shouldn't even have the phone in your hand when you are walking.  My daughter was walking on the sidewalk and entering a phone number (same as texting, basically).  She ran into a tree, scraped her forehead, nose and lip.  She was lucky she didn't put out an eye.  She is the one that always CARRIES her phone in her hand so that she won't miss calls.  I tried explaining to her that they put a ringer on the phone so she can put it in her pocket or purse.  People can wait PAST the first ring, for God's sake.  I am concerned that if she should fall (like on stairs, she should have both hands free to catch her fall- or almost just as bad, she could slip and drop the phone.  Also she could set it down in a store while shopping.  Any of the above a REALLY GOOD reasons NOT to do what she does.
 

The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother
asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

NEW PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up, must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage.

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of
this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years. (1900-1970)

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth..
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars…the house…the cash.
What matters most is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile…
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read
With your life’s actions to rehash…
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash? 

Zuck -> G8,

Categorize this as one of the most unnecessary and undesirable products:  They now have sandwiches in a can (called Candwiches).  This must be the chosen food for Bat Chain Pullers worldwide (or at least when there no roadkill available)!

If ya'll are lookin' for the simpler life, here is a purty good retirement home....

Ever wonder about the statistics that they capture in Fleecebook?  Here they tell you EXACTLY what kind of people use it and what for...  "And yet if Facebook is our guide, I'd say our cultural norms have remained intact. We continue to value professionalism. We find great rewards in human relationships -- and most of us try to exit them honorably."  The one that REALLY sticks in my craw is #6.  Except for the fact that Fleecebook is out to fleece us, the defaults for #6 should be the opposite.

This is REALLY unfortunate for the country.  I guess Trump ended his foray into politics just a little too soon.  The vortex of his possible political career going down the drain has now sucked Palin back into the fray.  Unfortunate, as well, as Bat Chain Pullers go, she is right behind Romney in popularity.  We probably haven't seen the end of her Bat Chain Pulling days yet- even though most of wish that we had. One question which I cannot answer is whether she is being egged on by Tea Partiers or mud stirrers from the formerly "G"OP....

 Apparently nobody of reasonable intelligence was available to go to the G8 conference in Europe to discuss the Internet, so they asked Zuck.  There was more discussion about the "Social Network" movie and Zuck says he didn't "Like" it.  I'll bet he didn't "Like" it because it may have been a bit too real and painted him like an obsessed and immature jerk (perhaps because he may be obsessed and immature). 

I guess some people are REALLY not ready-for-prime-time on Fleecebook.   It's true that it takes all kinds, but unfortunately there is no training class to acquire a little CLASS at posting on Fleecebook.  If you are REALLY curious at how many ways you can FAIL, read this....

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while. 

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min, a beer shortens your life by 4 minutes, a working day shortens your life by 8 hours! 

Two Scandinavian young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?" Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!" Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too." Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?" Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!" 

Bat Chain Pullers

So how many Bat Chain Pullers does the GOP have to throw into the fray?  Palin, Gingrich, Huntsman, Romney, Paul, ....  Do any of them even have a chance to get the nomination?  Let's see, the requirements read as such: 1) breathing, 2) low number of skeletons, 3) Republican, 4) Nobody remembers when you last pissed off someone important.  Would the GOP throw away millions just to have any candidate?  My point is, why bother?  If you're going to lose anyway, why bother ?

I never could understand why European countries give their workers a month to six weeks vacation but we are stuck with two weeks and it grows very slowly from there.  Whatever happened to a work-life balance?  Even when American workers GET a vacation, much of it is spent on a computer dealing with things back at the office.  Why is it that it doesn't work here?  In Europe everything shuts down for some long period of time.  Here everything keeps marching along because we stagger our vacations instead of them all happening simultaneously.  I guess I would like to experience the other way to see if I like it better, BUT on the surface it sounds just wonderful (I guess the English would call it a "proper holiday").

Redneckers...

Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pickup line in Tennessee? Nice tooth.

How do you know when you're staying in Tennessee? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the front desk says "go ahead".

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee? A documentary. What do they call them in Kentucky? Life styles of the rich and famous.

How many Tennessee rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Where was the toothbrush invented? Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have
been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Tennessee state lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Nashville burned down? Yep, pertinear took out the whole trailer park.

What's the best thing to come out of Tennessee? I-40

A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver says, " 'bout what"?

A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they are still brother and sister.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseans in the same room? A full set of teeth.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive" The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?"

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied "Mommy, where's my boogie?"

Ever wonder....
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Their Old Ways Are Still In Motion...

So I've been getting this call for about two weeks now, at least once a day from a area code in Missouri. When I answer the phone, there is a pregnant pause and then they ask for someone I never heard of.  I tell them that they are calling the wrong number because there is nobody here by that name.  They didn't identify themselves and hung up before I could find out anymore information.  I wrote to Edhat to see if anybody else locally was being bugged by the same caller, and sure enough it is Citi Mortgage. Apparently a few other readers were also bugged.  I decided to call the number back and all I got was a recording with another number to call.  I called it and after umpteen button selections, got a live person.  I asked him to get his supervisor.  I explained the situation to the supervisor and was assured that my number would be removed from the call list.  Of course, that doesn't account for the others that are also getting calls.  So hopefully I will have a call free day tomorrow.  I repeated this story here to show that in spite of all the OTHER ways that marketers have figured to plunder us, the old ways are still in motion!

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Medical Terms

A wife pursued her husband to visit his doctor as he was not been able to do all the things around the house, like he used to. So, after the clinical investigation...

Man: Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.

Doctor: Well, in plain English, you're just lazy!

Man: Okay, now give me the medical term that I can tell my wife. 

A man is traveling across the country and comes upon a pig with a wooden leg. This rouses his curiosity so he finds the owner of the pig and asks "How'd your pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Why, this pig is really something else. One day, I got trapped under my tractor. My little fella ran on over to the neighbors and somehow got them to come on over and free me from under it. This amazing pig saved my life!"

The traveler, amazed, says "That is amazing, so how'd he end up with a wooden leg?" The farmer goes on to say "Let me tell you about this marvelous pig. Another time, the house set fire and I was trapped inside, unconscious. This sweetheart of a pig ran through the flames, grabbed my arm in his mouth and dragged me out to safety. This little guy saved my life AGAIN!"

The traveler, mystified, replied "That is a wondrous thing, but... how'd the pig get a wooden leg?" The farmer goes on, saying "Let me tell you... one time I fell in the pond, and not knowing how to swim, set to drowning. This beautiful creature dived on in, and pulled me out to safety, then gave me
mouth to mouth resuscitation. The little bugger SAVED MY LIFE! AGAIN!"

The traveler, amazed, but now incredibly curious, asked again..."Wow, but... how'd he get the wooden leg?!" The farmer replied, "A marvelous creature, I tells ya, a real beaut. A pig like that, you just can't eat a pig like that... at least not all at once." 

Directed Thinking: Oh No!

Are we ready to live in a world filtered by Big Brother?  Because the internet biggies (Gaggle, Fleecebook, Microshaft, and Yippee) think that they know each and every one of us by the data we allowed to be collected, they will adapt out search results to fit our perceived desires.  I for one am not ready for a filtered world.  This is an affront to our Democracy and our right as citizens.  Now maybe you think I've jumped off a short pier into oblivion, but let me give you some details.  At first when we do a search of a location such as Paris, the engines will adjust our results to include various candy and pastry shops because we have previously indicated a "Like" for that kind of information.  Before you know it, the news will be slanted to exclude particular views because of our political and ideological affections.  This is beyond annoying.  It really means that I can no longer learn about the world as a whole, to later make up my own mind as to what is right and wrong.  They (royal) are going to do that for me and only tell me what they think is correct based on whatever they think they know about me.  This is REALLY WRONG.  It is one thing to use this for directed marketing, but now they are using the information to redirect our thoughts and predilections.  I won't accept that.

Here is the REAL TRUTH about the current state of the internet.... I would put it here, but there is a copyright on the contents...

THIS BALONEY JUST IN:  In case you were expecting something more spectacular last weekend: Harold Camping says now that the rapture DID occur, but nobody was worth saving...

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.

After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here!" he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

End Of The World Postponed...

'May 22, 2011 - To No End

So the world didn't end yesterday. It didn't even rest, or stop for a crossing pedestrian. And whether we think that the Earth is spinning out of control, off its axis, or over-heating, we all know that it would take a firm place to stand and long lever to change its course. You can't make things happen just by saying so on the radio, you know.

So now that we have made it past May 21, 2011, there's a lot to think about - things like what a bad idea it was not paying your utility bill last month. And maybe you shouldn't have gotten that tattoo. But you really aren't in a world of trouble. As Ed always says, "It's better to be late with the rent than late for dinner."' - Edhat

Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: "The world doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sorry." 

I couldn't have said it better myself, so I didn't...

Under the category: "ASK ME IF I GIVE A RAT'S ASS...": Why would I care what Sarah Palin's ringtone is or what she was told to say (by the formerly "G" OP) about Obama's Israel speech?  Bottom line: We all (for the most part) care less about what comes out of Palin's mouth now than we did when she was running for VP.  Keeping herself in the news will NEVER give us a warm-fuzzy feeling that she has any original thoughts or is capable of them...There went the neighborhood, as Palin buys a house in Scottsdale!

If you are foolish enough to spend time on Fleecebook, here are nine blatant ways for you to lose [money, identity, security on your computer, ...].

If you couldn't come up with any Rapture Jokes don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect..

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf. 

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.. 

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)

When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. 

Graphene...

CAVEAT EMPTOR: Why is it that some things are really inordinately priced?  Here is an example:  Have you ever looked at those automatically retracting leashes (compliments of China)?  In the pet store, they start at about $30 and go up to about $60.  The more expensive model has a flashlight and a container of poop bags.  However convenient, but way overpriced for a thin leash, spool, spring and two plastic halves of a handle.  Maybe this is a bad example, but those prices hold in Target or Kmart, as well.  So are they trying to take advantage of pet owner that are obsessive for their pets?  Why is it that Harbor Freight Tools can sell the same units (albeit repackaged) for only $5.99 ?  People that come in to buy tools are NOT looking for pet stuff in that store, so any purchase is just happenstance. They are still making profit on that item, so you can only imagine the profit margin in pet stores (and in this case pet stuff in department stores).  I'm very sure that there are many other examples of focused markets that are very advantageous for the buyer in an unfocused setting.

I am a contest "enterer".  I am annoyed enough today that I will not be entering this contest. Tiger Direct is a website that always have good contests- good because of the prizes (not that I've ever won one).  Their latest (and perhaps previously, but my first exposure) has a button to press to enter.  It throws you into Fleecebook and to continue, you have to click their "Like" button (and sign up for Facebook, if you are not a member).  This is not only an annoyance, but I am appalled that this company wants to push their "Like" statistics because they have a contest where unsuspecting fools are pushing "Like" to enter.  I will not give Fleecebook the satisfaction of me buying or entering any contests though this means.  More and more retailers are pushing buying while on Fleecebook.  People are always on Fleecebook, so why leave to buy anything?  I still believe that this AOL-like bubble that is being created around Fleecebook will bust when EVENTUALLY people tire of being on Fleecebook all the time.  Their artificial worth will tumble eventually- meanwhile I am boycotting doing anything that could be productive through Fleecebook.  There is so much more available on the net that is not in Fleecebook....

WORLD ENDS - Film at 11:00 ...

So I've been looking for the NEXT BEST THING, but apparently I've been looking in the wrong place.  If you put *this* on the level of discovering plastic, it will be pretty amazing.  Also, since it is not-ready-for-prime-time yet, one can only imagine all the new and wonderful applications of this new technology.  Be sure to play the video at that site...

Don't spend 5 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to
the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next
morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.

Why health care is so high...

Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had... Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.


Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?? 

Confucius didn't say:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Doomsday or Palin for Prez, You Pick...

Give us a friggin break.  First we get Palin's complaints about everything and her push for the Prez loses momentum.  Then Frump (I mean Trump) takes over with his false push for the Prez, which I don't believe the blow-hard had any intention of commitment.  Now Palin is back at it again with "fire in her belly" for the position.  GOP- give us a friggin break and get serious or give up!

I have avoided speaking of doomsday predictions or the upcoming "rapture", but let me say this.  The predictor has already made over $100 million on his website from donations (shades of selling pet rocks).  Two guys at work have been talking about selling rapture insurance to have your pets and family taken care of, should you be chosen....  The old saying that goes something like, "if it sounds too good to be true, than it probably is" comes to mind....

What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!