What is it about Santa Barbara County and the price of gas?  The problems in Libya have caused the prices at the pump to skyrocket.  Considering that Libya accounts for about one percent of the oil using in this country, why should prices soar?  I would bet that speculators are making a mint.  While Europe depends much more heavily on Libya's oil, I still cannot fathom the effect here.  Worse than that, it appears that Santa Barbara County will never live down the 1969 oil spill and how much it cost Union Oil.  We live in a very small pocket of the most expensive gas in the state with the most expensive gas.  Refineries must make a special variety of gasoline for California [highly oxygenated...], but Santa Barbara appears destined for higher prices here to continue ad infinitum. This with numerous [actually twenty] oil platforms in our immediate vicinity that pay dearly to produce gobs of oil in our county.

Anyone interested in Quantum Jumping? Sometimes I'd just like to jump into a place where I won the Lottery or there is no more greed in the world causing people's suffering or a place where cancer or the common cold doesn't exist...  What in the world are these people talking about?  Are there REALLY more than three or four [if you consider time as the fourth] dimensions?  Is the TV show Fringe more real than we give it credit for ?

More on the Social Bubble...When will the next dot com bubble burst around these overvalued companies that REALLY don't have a product?  Won't smartie-pants Zuckerberg be sorry that he didn't go public and pull out as much money as he can before the dam breaks....?

It is one thing to FIND alien planets that might support LAWKI [life as we know it], but yet another ***THING*** to get there.  With today's space program as bad and under-financed as possible, what we REALLY need is a new kind of propulsion and some sentient robots to take care of us while in suspended animation on board.  These planets we are discovering are not close, but they are relatively close.  We can [at least] get there in our lifetime...

If AT&T-Mobile becomes reality, you'll know that there are some politicians that are bought and paid for.  There is NO-WY that this is a good move for consumers.  AT&T doesn't do anything UNLESS it is to make more money!

Just watched the Black Swan and now I know why Natalie Portman won Best Actress.  The movie was extremely well made and well cast as well. Parts will give you chills.

"According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look
for most in a woman is a sense of humor and a good personality.
This was a survey published in 'Full Of Crap Magazine.'"
- Conan O'Brien

An old cowboy dressed to kill with ... cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Don't Need No Stinkin' Comments...

Are comments on blogs important ? Check this entry out....  or here is a link to How-to... Or this... Or this.... And for those that are concerned about the ethics of blog commenting....  So let me say that making a blog entry is an INVITATION to have a conversation.  If I don't get any comments, I will tend to lose interest and stop blogging.  My opinions and ranting is important to me, so I need comments to CONTINUE the conversation.  There are some thirty plus people READING my blog, three that follow it enough to sign up and who know how many more, but yet I get no comments.  So you think I am off-my-rocker or right-on with my comments or you just don't have time for that kind of activity.  Please blow me some crap or tell me that you totally agree with my interpretation of the news or something....please.   
Tell me how you love and trust Facebook, can't wait to vote for Sarah Palin, love the paradigm shifts of technology and just can't wait for the Singularity to get here, or you are too busy to care!

I remember when I was a kid, my family would drive up the coast from Sherman Oaks to Pismo to dig clams and then make fresh chowder on the tailgate of the station wagon, right on the beach.  That area of the county allows driving on the beach.  On a trip up to Oregon and Washington, I remember digging for geoduck clams.  That name is really pronounced "gooeyduck".  As the water recedes, the geoducks shoot water up to six foot high from small holes in the sand.  One person digs around the hole, and another person grabs his neck before he pulls it back into the shell. It only takes a couple of these suckers to make a good meal!

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?" 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month. 

Demise of Bookstores

Insanity last evening on American Idol.  When Casey Adams appeared as the one with the lowest number of votes, the shock began.  The Top 10 goes on tour this summer.  Would this mean that he wouldn't be able to go.  He began to "sing for his life" when he was interrupted.  Was this planned (after all they were almost out of time)?  All eleven members were included on the summer tour as Casey was saved by the judges' peremptory save.  Next week TWO elite members will be (?) eliminated from the contest.  This show was either planned to be full of surprises (like Stevie Wonder performing for Steven Tyler's birthday AND Hulk Hogan appearing to "wrestle" two of the guys), or it was a test for the mettle of the judges to prove their worthiness.

Why is it that we are always surprised at how old someone else is?  Did we really think that they didn't age while we did?  Those of us with kids know how fast they grow up.  Also, can anyone really remember the time between 45 and 55?  It goes by in a flash.  A few evenings ago we watched the premier show of Dancing With The Stars and realized that the token old star  for the season was Kirstie Alley.  We could not believe that she is sixty, in spite of the fact that we will be there in a matter of months ourselves.  I remember her best in "The North and South" TV mini-series.  Her extremely light colored blue eyes haunted me for weeks.  That was in 1985.  Many actors that played in the series are already deceased (i.e. Patrick Swayze, Johnny Cash, Gene Kelly, David Carradine, Robert Mitchum, Jean Simmons, and Elizabeth Taylor).  So for sure it isn't a stretch for her to be sixty.  It is just that the juxtaposition of ourselves versus our memories sometimes don't allow our judgment and "guesstimation" to work properly.

If you are as paranoid as I am about Facebook and the tremendous risks users are taking, then you should read this guide. Please don't take me for a "naysayer" with regards to Facebook.  My issues are with security and many companies making money from our innocently shared information.  Don't be naive- investigate before you share- because you can't un-share once you have!

I think of myself as having a pretty extensive vocabulary, but a while ago I joined a site that sends me a vocabulary word a day.  These words I have heard, but they are really hard for me to put to use.  For example: bumptious, kismet, fugacious, prescience, largess, truckle, interregnum, and quaff.  These are unusual enough that my editor puts little red squiggly lines under them- as though they were spelled incorrectly.  Why don't they ever remove words from our language.  One would think that if some words fall low enough into disuse that they would, but I've never heard of it.  English is a very difficult language.  One of the main reasons is that there are so many words to express the same thing.  It has way too much baggage... Every year, the dictionary companies add new words (coined by our ever changing culture).

It hurts to see all the bookstores (except one) close in Santa Barbara. We had two Borders (one close to my house and one downtown) and a Barns & Noble.  It hurts because those stores brought much pleasure to many people AND got them out of the house and maybe to get some studying done.  I feel as though I'm being forced to shift paradigms.  It is the beginning of the end of an era. Borders was a huge store with a large selection of books, children's books, DVDs and CDs, as well as magazines, newspapers and what I'll call doo-dads.  Their prices weren't always the best, but their business wasn't always just for purchases.  People liked to gather there and peruse.  It was also a good choice for Christmas presents.  The music went first.  It dwindled down to just a few rows of CDs.  iTunes killed 'em and they didn't move fast enough to a paradigm to sell electronically.  Next the DVDs went.  Why buy when I can get Netflix for cheap?  Now with the advent of numerous readers and tablets, less and less people are searching for a book in person.  Nobody is perusing magazines when they can get them online.  The world (my world) is changing faster than I want to let it.  How can you fight change when you are not left with any choices, but to capitulate? People that have readers or tablets are very happy with them.  It is a means for absorbing content, but not really for generating it.  I am reluctant to change.  I like to peruse and maybe read a few dust jackets before I buy.  I guess I'll be hanging out at the library...until they close too.  Sigh...

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

Short Summary Of Every Jewish Holiday

1. They tried to kill us.
2. We won.
3. Let’s eat.

There was a middle eastern king that was having money problems and decided that the only way to stay afloat was to sell his valuables. He managed to sell everything off except for the Star of the Euphrates. This was the most valuable diamond in the world.
He took it to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. “What?” said the king. “I paid one million for it! Do you even know who I am?”
The pawnbroker said, “When you wish to pawn a star, it makes no difference who you are.”

Social Bubble ?

Those of us that are thinking clearly believe that there will be a Social Bubble. I remember when there were so many dot coms that appeared overnight, and they all had ideas (some unique) that they were able to sell to investors.  There is nobody that believes that Facebook, Twitter or Google (for example) is REALLY worth what they claim.  We used to say how unfathomable that it was to NOT have a product and yet attract so much venture capital.  It is all based on the fact that these "social" companies can "steal" your personal information and sell it to other companies that want to sell you something- something that is tailored for you (based on what facts they steal).  
Even when you put apps on your smart phone, your selections and button-clicks are gathered and sold.  Why do you think they they call it a "smart" phone. If the dot com bubble is anything to go by, most of those who invest in the social bubble will lose their shirts.  How will the burst of the Social Bubble affect the economy?  Particularly in the jobs sector?

Apparently NATO is going to take over the efforts in Libya and they may go for "NO-FLY-PLUS".  I'm not sure what that means specifically, but it may include going in to get Gadhafi.

American Idol was amazing last evening.  Only a few of the performances REALLY stood out as un-improvable.  Even the others were not bad, just less great.  My prediction for tonight is that Thia or Haley will be leaving the Top 11.  This show has improved in so many major ways.  The network believes that they have a cash-cow, so they are not taking any chances with this one.

A guy is sitting with his wife at the table and says, "I love you."

The wife replied, "Is that you or the beer talking."

The guy replies, "I was talking to the beer."

Divorce vs. Murder...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."  

Keeping the Peace

It appears that there is a move afoot to strip Obama of his Nobel Peace Prize.  The Bolivian president and a Russian politician are certainly betting on a losing proposition.  Obviously they are upset at the Libyan NOT-War.  I suspect, though, that even if we were not involved, other countries would have probably taken up the cause.

Irish Compassion
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.Three women, from England, Wales, and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?” The man said, “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?” The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, “ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?” The man broke into a big smile and said, “no”. She said, “Aye—Ya will be when the tide comes in.”

Lewis Black on Donald Trump for President
"He'd make a terrible president," Black quipped on "The Daily Show" Tuesday night. "But we're done with presidents. We've tried every option and flavor. Stupid president, smart president, white president, black president. Doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy third-world dictator, and Donald Trump has what it takes to be that."

It was a hot day... Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .
She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?"
So, she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice.... "I don't usually go into bars, but today
I vill make an exception...It is zo hot, I tink I'll haf myself a cold beer"
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

Less Competition Does Not Promote Better Service

One more tidbit about AT&T-Mobile: NOBODY believes that less competition will produce better service at better prices.  Just how stupid does AT&T think we really are [don't answer that].  I would REALLY like to have a smart phone.  Other than the fact that there are too many choices out there; the data charges are ASTRONOMICAL [especially since I am already getting raped by the cable company for internet access at home].  Why can't AT&T improve their service and prices without eliminating the competition?  The answer is pretty clear; they don't want to AND don't need to.  They have the major smart phones [especially the iPhone] covered.  If anyone wants the most performance out of their smart phone, they'd have to go to AT&T AND put up with AT&T. Even the President can't ignore what this purchase would ALLOW and IMPLY.  I am totally against allowing the purchase to occur.  I have managed to circumvent SOME of the crappy service by contracting and buying our phones through Best Buy.  The first mark of good service that you'll discover there is that Best Buy makes your rebates instantaneous!  You don't have ANY "fill-in forms/mail-in/wait for six to twenty weeks while AT&T has my money" rebates to deal with.  Next, they have a better selection of phones.  The AT&T stores appear almost bare in comparison.  The salespeople are rude, condescending and slow.  You won't see any of that at Best Buy.  So if you are going to buy a smart phone, I suggest you go to Best Buy.  Next, unless you have a tremendous need for data on 3G/4G, I suggest to buy a phone with WI-FI capabilities and only a minimum data plan.  There are so many WI-FI hotspots that are essentially free, that it really doesn't pay.  For example, my daughter's college campus is all WI-FI and so is our house.  That covers more than 90% of our usage, and the WIFI use doesn't get charged to your data service at all.

Once and for all:  SILICON is sand.  They make electronics out of it. SILICONE is what they fill breast implant with.  THEY ARE NOT THE SAME.  Sorry, there are certainly a lot of ignorant newspaper writers and radio announcers.

Sooo we knew this day would come.  The Big Three are unable to build their AMERICAN cars because of JAPANESE parts that are in short supply.  We need desperately to wean ourselves of  dependence on foreign parts.  What if these were military vehicles or weapons?  We would be in DEEP DOO-DOO.  We ARE in DEEP DOO-DOO.  American companies have to find a better way to use AMERICAN parts and remain competitive.  I own two Japanese cars.  Why did we do that ?  Because they are built better and more reliably.  There were the best vehicles that I could buy "for the money" at the time.  I WANT that to CHANGE so I can be proud to BUY AMERICAN and support our own industries.  Why should I do that when they are mad of non-American parts?

Our time is valuable.  Just surfing the net, much valuable information is being drained from us and sold many times over (hence Facebook or Google being worth so much). Why in the world, then, are we forced to watch stupid commercials every time we want to see a video on a news site ?  I am sick and tired of watching them.  I'm ALMOST ready for pay news, just so that's ALL that I get....

Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course..
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
A 'Tiger Woods' - wrong hole 

Over 50When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-cal-cu-lat-ing." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

Us senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

Feeling better already about AT&T-Mobile

Does anybody REALLY believe that the AT&T - T-Mobile acquisition will benefit the consumers?  Don't be so naive to believe that corporate giants like AT&T do ANYTHING that isn't in their own interest.  You should realize that they, the largest carrier, found themselves overextended since they took on the data-heavy smart phones.  To keep the consumers "suckling their tits", they had to expand their network- and do it fast.  This comes on the heels of their main competition [Verizon] getting their hands on the iPhone and iPad (albeit in a lesser capable configurations).  Those data charges are keeping the wheels turning at AT&T- don't let anyone tell you differently.  I always thought that they broke up Ma Bell to foster competitiveness.  Now the massive corporation is re-building!

What's the best thing that can happen to TV short of the cable companies declaring that they will no longer be charging for service ?  More ORIGINAL content from more diverse locations.  So Netflix, Amazon and Google are climbing onto the bandwagon.  Tired of HBO's strong-arm tactics to keep hold of it's original series, these guys decided that a little bit of DIY was called for.  These guys, certainly are not naive, though.  They come to the table with a built-in audience and megabucks.  All they need are some winner shows or internet-only movies.  The crowds will be leaving cable in the dust.  We are all tired of lousy service, high prices and tiered pricing which forces you to buy a bunch of lousy NEVER-WATCHED stations to get one you like.

Had a chance to view "The Tourist" the other night.  Why is it that it is so obvious as to the problems in that movie that the director and film-makers couldn't fix it before releasing it ?  I see no excuse for making a bad movie.  There are plenty of opportunities to preview movies before they are released.  Here is a great example of a a movie that contained ALL of the puzzle-pieces to make a great plot, but the director (choked-up) when the gears were put into motion.  Even Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp (definitely a mismatch from the start) couldn't save this badly executed movie.  We enjoyed the scenery of Venice having seen it in person, but photography will not make the movie....

I went to pay my cable bill in person over the weekend.  I was hoping to reduce my bill by eliminating the services we don't use and then picking up a DVR in the process.  I can buy one for about $100 and then point it at a TV schedule on the web.  These guys at the cable company want $120 for a year, but I have to maintain a particular tier of service and rent a particular HD tuner for it to work properly.  Basically, then the cost of adding the DVR to my system would end up costing me $240 per year.  What a ripoff!  The sooner I get off cable the better...  [Squeeze that last dollar out of my customer base before they get driven off to internet-content...]

I noticed that Blockbuster has a sign on their building "LAST 20 DAYS".  Those that don't change with the paradigm, will cease to exist.  They are now paying for the mistakes that they made....  I can't wait to see that kind of sign on my cable company's door!

Groaners
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy-year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."
The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM."

The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine." 

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE
FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

AT&T-Mobile

How disappointing of a day for the first day of spring.  It rained and rained and rained, probably the hardest I have seen in many, many years.

So apparently AT&T need more bandwidth to handle [iPhone] smart phones and decided to expand it by buying some of the competition, namely T-Mobile. I'm sure that THOSE people that are subscribers to T-Mobile are not happy....

A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically. The prosecutor then approached the blonde and said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December last year you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over 100 mph through the center of London in a blizzard and you were totally nude?" The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecutor and calmly asked, "What was the date again?" 

Finally

I'm very glad that we finally are doing something to help the Libyans.  It has been almost too long.  I hope that the coalition forces will "shock and awe" Gadhafi into stepping down,  Nobody wants this to drag on, but I expect that he will be stubborn.

 

Saw some great vintage surfing shots and pictures of the Ellwood coast [where I live].  Check 'em out....   Life was sure a lot simpler then, especially for the oil industry.  Ellwood was never as over-pumped as Summerland, though.   In 1896, companies drilled in ocean waters from piers extending off the beach at Summerland.

 

Who said " ignorance can be healed...stupid is forever "?
Does seem relevant here.

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled by at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for $124 each for driving without a seat belt. 

 


THE IRISH BROTHEL
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Will you look at that?" says the first Irishman.
"And didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they
are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes
inside.
"There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats," says the second Irishman.

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside.
"Oh, how sad!" says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died!"

"The No Fly Zone" & More...

It sure is interesting that Gadhafi would call a cease fire just as the U.N. decided that it is okay to bomb Libya to protect the innocent populace from the Libyan army.  We know Gadhafi is crazy, but I guess you could also say that he is chicken.  Perhaps there will be a "No Fly Zone" without anyone firing a shot.  What a crazy rebellion....  But as the story continues... It appears as though the cease fire announcement was just that, an announcement.  The battle continues and the carnage has not slowed down.  Gadhafi is just asking for trouble now...  There is no second-guessing a crazy man!

When I first visited Hawaii and we were driving between cities on the "Highway", the first thing that I noticed is that there were no motels.  There wasn't a need because you could get back home on the same day.  Now Hawaii is taking the lead on installing electric vehicle charging stations- 320 of them.  I think that it is wonderful, but where will all the electric cars go, so that they recharging?  So I wonder where all this additional power is going to come from, certainly not from nuclear generation.  Given the weather in the islands, they would be perfect for wind  and solar power generation.  It is a shame that there was no mention of the power source or any planned augmentation.

How do companies like Twitter, Facebook or Groupon get valued at billions of dollars ?  Apparently, it is based on earning potential.  That, I'm sure could change to better or worse very fast.  I guess I really don't understand.

Regarding Prince William's bachelor party

"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.
He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. cow farts. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.
Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven and says,
'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought.
Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.' 

Who is Jack Schitt you ask?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. Thought you might enjoy this.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (that one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.

The China Syndrome ?

The "China Syndrome" refers to a possible result of the catastrophic meltdown of a nuclear reactor. Also called a loss of coolant accident, the scenario begins when something causes the coolant level in a reactor vessel to drop, uncovering part—or all—of the fuel rod assemblies. Even if the nuclear chain reaction has been stopped through use of control rods or other devices, the fuel continues to produce significant residual heat for some time due to further decay of fission products. If not properly cooled, the fuel assemblies may soften and melt, falling to the bottom of the reactor vessel. There, without neutron-absorbing control rods to prevent it, nuclear fission could resume but, in the absence of a neutron moderator, might not. Regardless, without adequate cooling, the temperature of the molten fuel could increase to the point where it melts through the structures containing it. Although many feel the radioactive slag would stop at or before the subterranean aquifer, such a series of events would release large quantities of radioactive material into the atmosphere and groundwater, potentially causing damage to the local environment's plant and animal life. - Wikipedia

Is this what we expect to happen ?   I hope not.

The situation is indeed grave in Japan.  At least currently, there is no cause for alarm here.

So [finally] the no-fly zone over Libya has been approved.  It is also worded in such a way to provide leeway to do whatever is necessary to protect innocent people.  Unfortunately, the rebellion may have already been squashed too far to bounce back.  I am assuming that Gadhafi has burned any bridges to other Arab countries.  I say we should let Venezuela have him, and we'll see just how long he lasts without his armies....

Check this video out...  An inventor has found a way to run a car on water!

I sure hope that this technology pans out- AND IN A HURRY!

Best Bar in The World 

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

Heaven 

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.