Google vs. Facebook Wars Continue

So if you believe the rumors, Google is working on an anti-Facebook.  Apparently they feel that they are not making enough money and need to tackle yet another front...

Where will the next earthquake or volcanic eruption happen in the Ring of Fire?  Is California next? I hope that all the recent activity [Chile, New Zealand, Hawaii and Japan] has release enough pressure so that we are not next.  It certainly does seem like there has been a lot of activity recently, though.

 


Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands. 

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Funny Bumper Stickers
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

36. [On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.

37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over

40. Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. [At a restaurant] Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

50. Heart Attacks - God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It. Wanted It. Had A Fit. Got It!

56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition

57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

58. PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals 59. Keep Honking – I’m re-loading!

It's Too Late - They Already Have All the Information They Need...

With the occurrence of the disaster in Japan, I was wondering: What happens when you outsource manufacturing to another country and it has a natural disaster or political uprising or war?  Since you no longer have the capability at home, you are out of luck.  This, of course, drives the prices up so that the main reason that they were outsourced no longer makes sense.  What is really needed here is a balance between outsourcing and local processing.

Last evening, we acquired a copy of "The Fighter" and watched it. As the story unfold, one begins to realize that there are really two stories, the fighter (Mark Walberg) and the has-been brother (Christian Bale).  The setting presents the grittiness of the east coast in a poorer neighborhood that is obviously suffering from lack of opportunities and the influx and influence of drugs.  The brother has his fight cut out for him to get beyond the drugs, their influence and his past successes.  The fighter has to grow to escape the drowning influences of his family (especially the seven skank sisters) and achieve his own success while in the shadow of his brother's failures.  The story was very good- very authentic.  The performance of Bale was worthy of the Oscar.

So you might think that your personal data is safe because you are careful on the internet, but I beg to differ with you.  Your personal data is ALREADY in someone else's posession!  It is too late to protect ourselves from the not-so-obvious way of stealing (borrowing) information from every keystroke we make on the net.  We have already LOST control- or did we EVER really have it?  They call this "Data Mining", but I see it just like picking up nuggets on the ground.  We are addicted to the web, which make it great for all the data-sucking that covertly occurs.  Everyone is making money off me and my stats EXCEPT me!  Check out one of the data mining companies,  eXelate.com.  It is amazing how much money that they are making off me.

Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay - A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”

Morris, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Morris had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris' job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Morris' place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

A Nightmare Day, and then Back to Almost Normal...

So I had an interesting discussion yesterday (which  I will postpone), but I decided to share my day, as yesterday's post never was made.  

My daughter, home for Spring Break was stricken with all the symptoms of food poisoning or stomach flu.  It was the hope that she would be well enough to return back to school when it resumed.  Yesterday by two o'clock, she was still having abdominal pains and hadn't kept any food down for two days, in other words- she wasn't getting better.
We decided to take her to one of the walk-in medical offices, since it wasn't or didn't appear to be an emergency.  After examining some bodily fluids, the doctor determined that she was dehydrated and put her on a saline IV.  After three bags, she was feeling a bit better but still nauseous and experiencing abdominal pains.  The doctor there did not have the capability to perform an ultrasound to examine her appendix, as appendicitis is what her symptoms were speaking, so he sent us to the emergency room of the local hospital.
By the time we arrived there it was almost six p.m.  The ultrasound was inconclusive.  Meanwhile she was given another bag of saline and then asked to drink a gargantuan amount of some radioactive trace solution for a CT scan to put the appendicitis or not question finally to bed.  Consequently, we didn't get out of the hospital with a negative on the appendicitis until almost two in the morning.  It was a long day...  She'll be staying home a few more days to recover before returning to school.
Thank goodness we have medical insurance.  I don't know how families can cope with the expense otherwise.  I'm sure that yesterday was, at least, a five thousand dollar day...

It's all about the software.  It always was.  When the PC came out, there were hundreds of programs you could buy to make you PC customized into whatever you needed it to do.  Then the shareware and freeware revolution hit.  The PC remains popular today because of many reasons, but the first and foremost is the software available for it.
Now the popularity of smart phones, it has REALLY become an issue with the apps that are available as well.  After more than ten billion downloads from Apple's app store, do we honestly believe that it would be any kind of a success with out the apps ?  Having the right platform, with hardware capabilities beyond what we would have found on the early or even current PCs has driven the major development of apps for smart phones.  Being able to sample them easily and buy them for as little as $1.99 has made them "fly off the (virtual)shelf".  This is the way to market...  After the biggies (AT&T and Verizon) get done raping their subscribers for data charges and the paradigm shifts, I may even get one!

So what determines going too far?  What are you willing to do to get a job?  If your potential employer requires that you give him your Facebook logon and password to even be considered; is that legal? If an employer wants to scan the net with Google or search Facebook, more power to him.  When he asks to get logon and password to that account to "see all", that is wrong.  Of course, it is ALSO wrong to put anything on Facebook that doesn't pass the "60 Minutes" rule. [If you wouldn't want it to be shown on 60 Minutes, don't put it on your account.] Where should the interview line on access be drawn ?

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking
out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in,
rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a
1 to 10 scale. One says,

"I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees,
and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round
of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young
lass. He checks her out himself and says,

"Nah, I'd give her a 3."

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?!" says one of the three guys at
the table. "She's a real pretty girl."

The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser
method for rating women."

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste
in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another
young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they
confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However,
the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again
overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and
tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.

"A 5? How can you give her just a 5! She's absolutely gorgeous!"

The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method
for rating women.

"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to
his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde,
5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape.
Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the
three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress
is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer
pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender
once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances
studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he
could give her, would be a 7.

"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7?! She's
gorgeous!"

"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for
rating women."

"Budweiser?" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the
Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"

"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating
women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off
her."

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners

Strange but true
Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

In Bahrain, a male gynecologist can only examine a woman's private parts through a mirror.

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people,50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials.

In the 1800's, people believed that gin could cure stomach problems.

It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids.

Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory.
McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food heavy users.

Americans ate eight million more orders of french fries and almost six million more hamburgers this year compared to last.

The Netherlands has built 800 miles of massive dikes and sea walls to hold back the sea.

One pair of rats has the potential for 15,000 descendants in a year.

A female can produce up to twelve litters of twenty rats a year.

Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.

The rat has been called the world’s most destructive mammal - other than man.

Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world’s food supply each year.

25% of all fires of unknown origin are rat-caused.

26% of all electric cable breaks and 18% of all phone cable disruptions are caused by rats.

The USA has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.

Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic.

US tops the world in plastic surgery procedures. Next comes Mexico.

22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.

Mexican women spend 15.3% of their life in ill health.

Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday.

The Mall in Washington, D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City.

The women of Iceland earn two-thirds of their nation's university degrees.

American adults have been educated for the longest time.

The ten most generous governments (relative to GDP) are all in Europe.

The Slave-Maker ant is so named because it raids the nest of other ants and steals their pupae. Once the pupae hatch, they are made to work as slaves.

Workers in an ant colony only live for about 45-60 days, but a colony's queen can live up to 20 years.

Ants make up 1/10 of the total world animal tissue. The total biomass of all the ants on Earth is about equal to the total biomass of all the people.

By combining force of numbers with organized aggression, ants have become the greatest insect killers on Earth -- even of their own kind.

Ants began farming about 50 million years before humans thought to raise their own crops.

The animal with the largest brain in proportion to its size is the ant. They are the smartest species of insects with about 250,000 brain cells.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad in first class.

30% of Chinese adults live with their parents.

200 million people in China live on less than $1 a day.

There are 100 million internet users in China. Some of the sites they can't access are BBC news, Amnesty International and Dalailama.com.

In 2006, there were 398 million mobile (or cell) phones in China.
China is the source of 70% of the worlds pirated goods.

20% of the world's population lives in China.

People spend about two weeks of their lives at traffic lights!

Left handed people live slightly shorter lives than right handed people.

Armadillos are able to contract leprosy.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

Tea Partiers Are Not Rejoicing

Sarah Palin got some bad news. Even though her daughter moved to Arizona, they don't want Sarah to run her 2012 campaign from there.  "Help us send a strong message that Arizona should not be a stepping stone for extremist politicians and their radical agendas."  Looks to me like a wake-up-call for the Tea Partiers...

How to Please Your I.T. Department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

     

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.  "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

     

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

     

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

     


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."

Facebook Envy?

First things first: Let me recommend that you review one of the "Great Things That I've Saved" at the links to the right.  The link brings up pages of good stuff, as in the latest billboards (something we don't have much of in California- not at all in Santa Barbara) from Detroit.

Addressing the psyche, researchers have found that our own self-esteem is being eroded by having a Facebook account.  In the past we could only guess as to how much fun or how many friends somebody had, but now it is blazoned across the screen- rubbing-it-in so to speak.  You may have Facebook envy!  While this really doesn't have anything to do with Facebook, per se, the process of elaborating on the screen, each of the events (or lack of) in your life.

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice she said: "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, now a very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice, I replied: "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!

Politicians and diapers should be changed often and for the same reason...
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Worst Security Threats of Facebook

The options in Libya are many, but the options have "consequences".  What can Obama do given that direct military intervention is off the table ?  One option that is not covered is covert capture of Gadhafi, just short of assassination.  Could this be pulled off?  What would the "consequences" be if the mission is discovered and fails?  Meanwhile the people of Libya beg for help....

So once again elaborating on the worst security threats presented by Facebook..... Why do my kids think that they are not affected by these and they can't get caught with their pants down?  It is already happening every day as people are losing their vitals to those leeches that take over their respective persona.

I just read that HBO is going to make a movie about Sarah Palin (what a waste) with Julianne Moore in the lead [What happened to Tina Fey- oh this ISN'T a comedy....  I'll reserve judgment on that].

Optrectomy: The surgery performed to sever the muscle connecting the optic nerve to the asshole. It removes your shitty outlook on life.

A defense attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere." 

For the old guy's 100th birthday, the nursing home attendants chipped in and got him a hooker.
The sexy blonde showed up in his doorway and purred, "I'm here to give you super sex!"
He replied, "I guess I'll take the soup!" 

Buying Gas? LOL...

Much flack is coming down on Obama for not doing something in Libya.  I asked myself what was the best action that I could come up with.  If he orders that a no-fly zone be created over Libya, he will have to strategically bomb their radars.  This would be looked at as a US action, not NATO and would be "frowned" upon by the other Arab states.  Libya might declare war on us...  When there is a NATO action to take place, why doesn't one of the other members carry it out ?  I certainly would be easier for France or UK or even Italy to carry out a mission than us.  We are already stretched thin (no thanks to them).  Wouldn't it be easier to take out Qaddafi? Perhaps, but we would still be considered "interfering".  One of is sons or adjutants (just as bad) would probably assume the lead, anyway.  It would have to be a total regime change.  Consequently, in spite of the people of Libya suffering (and dying at Qaddafi's hands); it is still probably best to do nothing, currently (sadly).  One would have hoped that another Arab state would have stepped up by now, but they have such a low regard for the common people....

It is now reported that Facebook is getting into the movie streaming business.  Zuckerberg has was too much information on each of the Facebook members.  Now he will also know what movies they like and what ones to recommend.  Also, all your friends will know what you like.  Warner Brothers (their partners) will also have the opportunity to use that information to sell you souvenir crap to go with the movie rental.  Next they will determine that I need a pizza and beer to go with it and just have them delivered!  We won't have to LIVE our lives anymore and make our own decisions; Facebook will do it for us.  Of course, they will have to collect fees for this service, which means they will get their hands on our charge card numbers, too!  WAY TOO MUCH DATA IN ONE PLACE!  I'll stick with PayPal for my online transactions.

Nuff said....

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Life Reflections
· If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

· Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

· Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

· Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

· A closed mouth gathers no feet.

· If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

· My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

· I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

· If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

· Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

· Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

· A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

· Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

· Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

· No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Baby Airplanes:
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Houston to Little Rock. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant the same question.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mom explain that to you." 

Post-PC World ?

America is sleep deprived.  We have become slaves to the very technologies that we developed to help us.  Kids don't turn off their cell phones at night.  Others sleep with the TV on.  Their brains never get to "shut off".  Without the proper amount of REM sleep (which we are not getting), we will fail.  Our health, our endeavors- they will fail.

Give me a break:  Pundits are claiming that we are entering the post-PC world.  How is this possible?  Tablets have got a lot of catching up, if that be the case.  After all, for the most part tablets are good for looking at content.  How did that content get there ?  What were the apps developed on?  Are they all nuts? While there are many tablets out there, they don't account for a very large percentage of the total PCs.  Most people tend to have both, if they have a tablet at all.

Gadhafi must think we are pretty stupid if we are to believe that he is bombing Al-Qaeda....

Unavoidable laws of the universe
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Bath Theory: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

New words to add to your vocabulary
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

For non-seamen:
Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe.

Bottom Paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Companionway - a double berth.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Deadrise - getting up to check the anchor at 0300.

Deviation - any departure from the Captain’s orders.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship’s bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can’t find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

First Mate - crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.

Foul Wind - breeze produced by flying turkey.

Freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner.

Headway - what you are making if you can’t get the toilet to work.

Heave-Ho - what you do when you’ve eaten too much Ho.

A Likely American Malady

File this under "the pot calling the kettle black": Sarah Palin is accusing Obama of lack of experience!

Senator McCain suffers from the same malady as most Americans.  Just because there is an American brand on an object, don't assume it is made here.  To think that Apple products are American is ludicrous.

Has anyone considered the possibility that Charlie Sheen has been keeping his feelings quiet for a long time, for the benefit of his show?  I think that people are being to hard on him and that he is entitled to whatever lifestyle that he wants.  The studio knew quite well what they were getting when they cast him.

"Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!" --George Carlin

Having a Bad Day?
Well, then, consider this..............

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Strange but true.
Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella.

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Made in America

Interesting that a company that forces a bankrupt because they can't pay union wages or retirement pensions has enough capital to develop a robot for NASA.  I am speaking of General Motors, of course.  This is the same company that the gubmint bailed out (because they were too big to fail).  This is also the same company that promoted (with hype) their new solution to the world's problems, the overpriced Volt.  Too bad that that capital didn't go to making it so that it could sell for less than $40K plus.  Why would NASA go to GM for a robot, anyway ????

Looks like Continental Airlines is taking advantage of an opportunity, unfortunately the wrong way.  They have decided (in immeasurable wisdom) that they will no longer give out free pretzels in their flights, because it will align Continental with its competitors.  So I thought (stupid, stupid me) that any company would want to stand out from their competition to cause people to want to pick them OVER the competition.  This was their GOLDEN opportunity to offer MORE than their competitors and SCORE for it.

Here is a 'Made in America' Resource Guide: Where to Find American Companies [reprinted from ABC News]

www.USAonly.US
Launched on July 4, 2010, USAonly lists companies that make their products here in the United States. With emphasis on smaller, mom-and-pop companies, the website currently features 320 companies. The website is interactive and keeps track of how many employed Americans are represented by the companies listed.


AmericanMadeProducts.com
Headquartered in Bridgeport, Mich., AmericanMadeProducts.com Inc. sells more than 9,000 products made, manufactured or assembled in America.


MadeinAmericaStuff.com
MadeinAmericaStuff.com sells products made in the U.S.A. The website is based in Houston.


AmericansWorking.com
This website is a searchable directory of goods made in the United States, with categories ranging from "Air Cleaners" to "Vitamins."


MadeInUSAForever.com
Nearly 2,300 products made in the United States are available for purchase on MadeInUSAForever.com.


StillMadeInUSA.com
StillMadeInUSA is a directory of American-made products. Click on a category and you'll be directed to links to companies across the country manufacturing in the United States. Each link includes a description of the company and lets you know where it's located.


MadeInUSA.org
The website is a product search engine and database for those looking for products made in the United States.


MadeByYankees.net
MadeByYankees.net has a database with nearly 3,000 products that are made in the United States, listed by manufacturer. Only the listed products are made in America. The manufacturer also may sell products made outside of the United States.


MadeUSAFdn.org
The Made in the USA Foundation is a not-for-profit organization that promotes products manufactured and assembled in America. Clicking on "Shop USA" brings you to a category list where you can access links to companies' websites.


BuyAmerican.com
Links to companies selling products made in the USA.


ToysMadeInAmerica.com
Looking to teach your children to buy American from an early age? ToysMadeInAmerica links to over 150 toy manufacturers making their toys here in the USA.

Wouldn't be absolutely wonderful (and PATRIOTIC) to make a conscious effort to TRY to buy American made ?

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and asked, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Anagrams
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
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DYSLEXIA = DAILY SEX