Marching to the Singularity, Willingly or Not

As late as the beginning of this month, there was discovered an uncontacted tribe found near the Peru-Brazil border.  Should we contact them or leave them alone?  What would they think of us? What have they thought about planes flying overhead? Would our level of disease (even the common cold) affect them adversely?
Suppose we DO leave them alone, which I DO believe is best for all, what societal effects would we be able to measure from afar?  What of the Singularity, whose emergence is in less than 34 years?  How will the Singularity effect the third world of today?  Will they be sufficiently "caught up" in the next 34 years to deal with it?  
I think the conceptualization of the Singularity generates many more questions than it will answer.

Last night's Grammy Awards show was unusual.  There were 109 Grammys given out, but only 11 during the show.  That left three hours plus for performances.   Lady Gaga was very good, while Mick Jagger was okay..., but Bob Dylan and Barbra Streisand were both missing the old punch they used to be able to deliver.  Am I disappointed that Justin Bieber was snubbed? Probably not, but I'm not sure I understand the political ramifications that caused that to happen.  The winner is an unknown to me.  For the most part, it was pretty enjoyable, but at NO time were the previous 98 (non-televised) awards revealed.  I would probably characterize it as a disappointment except for a few high points...

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. 

How Valentines Day Originated:

Ancient Times: The beginnings of the holiday started with a dissident tribe of pagans, later identified as a band of Republican Presidential Candidates. At that time Hallmark cards were not able to use the modern techniques of printing such as ink jets and lasers. Instead the company used the blood of goats of dogs as primitive forms of ink. To keep the locals unsuspicious of their capitalistic exploitation of the holiday they presented the dead animals as a sacrifice to Lupercalia. Also the origins of dominatrix and sadomasochism are seen at this time when young men would use the hides to whip the infertile women of the town asking them “Who’s yo’ daddy?”

Modern Times: Today children and lovers celebrate the holiday together. Children give candy hearts either for the sugar high or a peck on the cheek behind Mrs. Weidlemeyer’s classroom. On the other hand, lovers exchange chocolate hearts. They become disillusioned, thinking that on that night, instead of performing the act of sex, they will delve into the art of making love. Lovers fill every restaurant in town, leaving singles to make reservations even at the drive-thru line at McDonald's. 

Singularity is Our Destiny OR Nothing Gets Old as Fast as the Future

I just read this great article in Time magazine on the Singularity, [and two, three and four]. A previous blog entry about Jaron Lanier touched on the subject, but the real progenitor is Raymond Kurzweil.  There have been many movies about robots that have sentient thought and no longer wish to do human bidding, but to be on their own.  It is a difficult concept to get my arms around. Also I don't know if we wish to prevent it or whether we can.
Can we reach immortality via these man-made objects?

I personally think that the timeline is conservative and that we will probably reach that 2045 destination sooner.
A momentous occasion, in the evolution of the chess playing Big Blue, will occur beginning tomorrow on TV.  The Jeopardy show will provide a human versus computer event when IBM's Watson computer will play two human champions. This is akin to a circus act.
What is the socio-economic impact of a sentient computer?  So far predictions of the future, the world of tomorrow have, for the most part, been wrong.  We don't have flying cars or homes that nurture us automatically like a suckling pig.  We haven't done away with money and its evils.  We cannot control the weather,  Stay tuned, as the best(?) is yet to come, if we don't become extinct!  Remember, your thoughts are not your own!

Last night we watched "Unstoppable".  It held grip on our attentions for the duration, but it was more like a newsreel, rather than a movie, as it lacked the depth of characterizations that would have mad it much better.  I would give it a "C" grade and we decided it worth of a rental, but not a visit to the theater.

Are we re-wiring our brains at an early age to deal with interruptions rather than focus ?  Have you ever wondered what impact cell phones, video games and PCs would have on our kids?  Many of them never have any "down" time.  They are constantly being bombarded with technology.  They sleep with "one eye open" to interruptions from their smart phone.  This cannot be good. Are we breeding a future race of ADHD individuals that are addicted to and dependent on technological enlightenment 24/7 ?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The grandfather replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

- Television
- Penicillin
- Polio shots
- Frozen food
- Xerox
- Contact lenses
- Frisbees
- The pill
- ATM machines
- Cell Phones

There were no:
- credit cards
- laser beams
- ball-point pens

Man had not invented:
- panty hose
- air conditioners
- dishwashers
- clothes dryers

Clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn’t yet walked on the moon.

Your grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, ‘Sir.’ And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title ‘Sir.”

We were before computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgement, and common sense…

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong, and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends—not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, VHS tapes, DVDs, i(anything), electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios.

I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan’ on it, it was junk.

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam.

We had 5&10 Cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two post cards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

-‘grass’ was mowed
-‘coke’ was a cold soft drink.
-‘pot’ was something your mother cooked in
-‘rock music’ was your grandmother’s lullaby.
-‘AIDS’ were helpers in the Principal’s office
-‘chip’ meant a piece of wood
-‘hardware’ was found in a hardware store
-‘software’ wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us ‘old and confused’ and say there is a generation gap.”

How old do you think I am?

I am 60 years old.

This guy goes to a football game and three nuns are sitting in front of him with full head gear. Upset because he can't see he asks them to move.
The first nun says "We where here first".
The guy says "but I can't see a damn thing."
The second nun says "You have choices to move, my son, and we don't".
The guy says "And what choices would that be?"
The third nun says "You can go to hell, we won't be there."

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

What Arab country is next to fall...

What will be the next Middle East country to fall?  So far that is Tunisia, Jordan and Egypt. We are all hoping for Iran to be next, but each country is different- and Iran is probably the worst.  It is the worst to live in and the hardest possible to cause to fall.  Because it has a religious leader that shares the top role with the president, it would be very difficult. IMHO, there is unrest in Algeria, so that may be the next. Unless the people have access to the Internet, it will take a much bigger effort to organize them.  It is odd, really, that we have not heard of any direction by the Muslim Brotherhood regarding other countries.

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing
associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew
them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are
getting married in September and we would like it in the garden
before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and
the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old
age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much
for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
like a third so please send someone round to do something about
it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top
of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times
but I still have no Satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and
we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house
and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to
swallow

Finally Free of Mubarak, we hope...

Well either Mubarak managed to get his billions out of the country (finally) or he began to fear for his life, but at least he is gone.  More power to the freedom call of the Egyptian people.  I hope this is not the last of the Arab countries to be freed....

So the Verizon iPhone reports are underwhelming.  The CDMA network that Verizon uses was designed for packetizing voice, while the GSM network that AT&T uses was designed for packetizing data.  Clearly that means that regular phone use should work better on Verizon while smartphones would suffer, until the 4G version comes out. One could get better customer service from Verizon but not necessarily better service.

True  Story.....
Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being  surrounded by civilization that complains about  the noise from the base and its planes,  forgetting that it was there long before they  were..  A certain lieutenant colonel at  Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back.  Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining  about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her  day at the mall. When that  individual read the response from a Luke AFB  officer, it must Have stung quite a  bit.

The  complaint:
'Question of the day' for Luke Air Force Base:

Whom do we thank for the  morning air show? Last Wednesday, at precisely  9:11 A.M, a tight formation of four F-16 jets  made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing  west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet.  Imagine our good fortune!  Do the Tom  Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call,  or were they trying to impress the cashiers at  Mervyns early bird special?

Any  response would be  appreciated.

The  response:
Regarding  'A wake-up call from Luke's jets' On June 15, at  precisely 9:12 a.m . , a  perfectly timed four- ship fly by of F-1 6s from  the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques. Capt Fresques was an Air Force officer who was  previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial  Day.

At 9 a. m. on June 15, his  family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband,  son and friend. Based on the letter writer's  recount of the fly by, and because of the jet  noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun  salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave  them their son's flag on behalf of the President  of the United States and all those veterans and  servicemen and women who understand the  sacrifices they have endured..

A  four-ship fly by is a display of respect the Air  Force gives to those who give their lives in  defense of freedom. We are professional aviators  and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what  the letter writer witnessed was four officers  lining up to pay their ultimate  respects.

The letter writer asks,  'Whom do we thank for the morning air show? The  56th Fighter Wing will make the call for you,  and forward your thanks to the widow and parents  of Capt Fresques, and thank them for you, for it  was in their honor that my pilots flew the most  honorable formation of their  lives.

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you....Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.
One died for your  soul, the other for your  freedom.

Lt.  Col. Grant L. Rosensteel,  Jr., USAF

"Send 'em up, I'll  wait!"
  ...conversation overheard on the VHF Guard  (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai   .

Iranian Air Defense Site: "Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."
Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."
Air Defense Site: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"
Aircraft: "This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.  Send 'em up, I'll wait!"
Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence)

God bless our troops.
There is something about a Marine that makes other countries listen to reason.

How ALL phones SHOULD be answered!
GOOD  MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES  OF  AMERICA..........

Please  Press '1' for  English..
Press '2' to disconnect until you  learn to speak English

And  remember only two defining forces have  ever  offered   to die for  you,Jesus  Christ
And  the American Soldier

One  died for your  soul,
The  other for your  freedom.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.
The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme.

Adult Truths
1. Best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.
25. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit Laughing!

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoy life!!!

A Trump Ticket?

So once again the Santa Barbara city council has reversed a decision due to public outcry and ridicule.  I'd like to think that a few of my published letters had something to do with the current decision.  The council has the unfortunate proclivity toward solving problems by a backdoor approach to changing the setting for symptoms and then praying that the problem just vanishes.  Foiled again...  Now they might have to do real work to solve the panhandling issues rather than a dance around them.  Knowing them, they will probably just pass an ordinance against them and "pray the problem goes away".

Poor Lindsay Lohan NOT. Is she so brainless to assume that she can walk out of a store with a diamond necklace on the assumption of "borrowing" it?  Either her arrogance or naivete has to be reined in by a caregiver (governess ?) or Lindsay will be spending the next two years doing hard time (without a way out).  She is ripe for blame and unbelievability so she must walk on eggshells for a long time to get her quotient back up.  Someone close to her needs to hire someone with half a brain to watch over her.


Why do you suppose that all forms of investigations have not been able to put their finger on the reason why gasoline is so highly priced in Santa Barbara?  Is it such a privilege to drive here?  Interestingly enough, one of the reasons that has been claimed is that the Air Pollution Control District is so strict here that a different gas mixture is required.  That would be a county-wide requirement, yet in other cities like Santa Maria or Lompoc, the prices a much lower.  Much oil is taken from the ocen bound wells in this county.  I'm sure that there are high taxes placed on that enterprise.  Perhaps they are just trying to get part of it back?

GIVE ME A BREAK!  Donald Trump is thinking seriously about running for president!  How will he ever beat out Sarah Palin? Buy her off?  Buy out the competition?  


Did we expect less?  She's at it again...Sarah Palin has called one of her potential rivals (Former Senator Rick Santorum) a "knuckle-dragging Neanderthal."  Isn't it amazing what comes out of her moth, as well as what she get's away with?  I suppose that she will pay the ULTIMATE price someday, as all of these incidents will come back to haunt her.

Obama is sporting egg on his face after he "convinced" Mubarak to resign, but then in in "resignation" speech, he didn't.  Now Obama is vowing support to the people of Egypt.  I wonder if he will still agree with that after they take a potshot at Mubarak.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
-she thought a quarterback was a refund.
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
-she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
-she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
-she thought General Motors was in the army.
-she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
-she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
-under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
-she tripped over a cordless phone.
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
-she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
-she studied for a blood test.
-she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
-she sold the car for gas money!
-when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
-when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
-she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
-if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
-she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
-she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "Tits Go In Front."
-she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease

This letter was in the Cairo Tribune Letters to the Editor” section today:

Dear Egyptian Protesters, Please don't destroy the pyramids during your protests. We're not re-building them.

Sincerely,

The Jews 

Patience[sic] in the Hospital

Today was a long day that I'd rather not repeat.  Today my wife had surgery to remove her gallbladder.  While it is done laparoscopically through three small holes, I still don't like hospitals.  Now let me say that Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital is probably the nicest and cleanest one that I have ever been to.  The staff bends over backwards to be attentive and is compassionate to the nth degree.  Still I don't like hospitals.  I guess because they have sick people and people that die.  Two of my kids were born in this place and those days will always be ingrained in my memory as the most fascinating days of my life.  Still, the smell of sick, aged and decrepit strangers emanate from this place.  It is a smell that is only located in my head, not my nose.  It is very uncomfortable.  I waited for my wife from 6:00 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. with a pretty high anxiety level which kept me from even sitting still for very long.  Some people don't attend funerals.  I don't go into hospitals unless I REALLY need to.

Gipper versus Nipper

Dick Cheney was in town to attend the Young America Foundations tribute to Ronald Reagan. In Craig Smith's incomparable words, "For the first time in my life I kind of feel sorry for the former Vice President. He came here to pay tribute to the Gipper and had to put up with the Nipper.".  He is, of course referring to Arthur von Wiesenberger, who was bending his ear all night long across his live-in lover's (Wendy McCaw) lap.   Boy the GOP has some really strange bedfellows!

I saw a list of the GOP hopefuls for 2012, Huckabee, Palin, Gingrich and Romney.  A bible-thumper, an airhead, a crook, and a Mormon.  Is this that best that the GOP could drag up out of the political sludge?  Does any one of them REALLY have a chance?  What they REALLY need is someone with charisma that has managed to keep his/her mouth closed for the last few years and is squeaky clean.  Oh, that person ALSO needs to want to jump into the frying-pan and believes that he/she will emerge unburned.  All I can say is GOOD LUCK!

Democrats versus Republicans

You who worry about Democrats versus Republicans--relax, here is our real problem:
 
In a University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.
It was pretty simple; the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
 
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor until she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" 

Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election! They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.

"It's usually a lot of feathers - not very much chicken"

AOL (thought long dead...or dying) has bought the Huffington Post!  I am shocked because I didn't know it was for sale.  Is this good for the industry?  Will it dilute the effectiveness of the Post? Will it bolster AOL?  The hope is that is will be good for all.  Ariana Huffington is going to lead their news group- this may be the best part.  We shall see...  A bit of cautious optimism here, since AOL has touted itself in the past as the best thing to come along since sliced bread....and now is pretty moldy.

It is actually AMAZING that Sarah Palin can be so consistently annoying.  She has been relatively quiet about Egypt, until recently. Jack Cafferty says of  Palin speaking,  "It's usually a lot of feathers - not very much chicken"!   She is so very good at mouthing off about some (any) topic that is completely unknown to her.  I'd bet she couldn't point out Egypt on a map!  I am wondering whether she has been directed by (or hired by) the GOP to stir up things, create controversy...

Farts are our friends.....immediate ease

They're sort of like a rectal sneeze.
Lightning's a meterological wonder,
But angel farts produces thunder.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away,
But a bowl of beans keeps the world at bay.
Gas passed in silence is an expartee;
Who's the farter, and who's the fartee?

Dinosaur farts were damn distinct;
That's what made 'em become ex-stinked.
Antarctic penquins are cool because
Their farts don't smell until they thaws.

You Might Be A Redneck If...

. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.
. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck. 

UNFAIR LABOR PRACTICES

The Ontario Ministry of Labor claimed a small Shelburne farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Ministry of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Scotch every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Ministry of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk to.....the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

Sarah Palin is NOT Good at Details....

So UNFINISHED BUSINESS has hit the Palins again.  Sarah Palin sought to trademark her name and her daughters' name (Bristol), but in all the hurry to do so neglected to sign the forms. The Patent Office, of course, refused the applications. Here is another indication of a potential candidate with a never-ending flagrant comment about everything and anything, but NO COMMENT about her unfinished business and why or what for....

For those of you that might be interested in becoming a card-carrying member of the American Redneck Society, I have included their link under "[My Favorite] Important Links"...


We watched the Superbowl half-time and were surprised at how bad Fergie sounded and looked.  What's up with that ?

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good
time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again
they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly,
and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs
to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do
you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to
herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe
he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want
us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I
mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each
other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage?
Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's
see...February when we started going out, which was right after I
had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the
odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from
our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has
sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees
out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid
those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to
truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-
centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and shove it
................

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh
gosh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up
with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you
really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes..."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to become very nervous about what she might say next,
especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back
to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no
way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight
hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she
said and everything he said, going over it time and time again,
exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of
meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving,
frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Suffering Fame Depletion...

So if you remember, Sarah Palin was in Santa Barbara last evening to speak.  Someone (that has a sense of humor) put up this sign to indicate that her fifteen minutes of fame is almost used up.  I concur wholeheartedly. 

Drove to Eagle Rock to see my daughter today.   It was a beautiful day and we decided to have a picnic at Central Park in Old Pasadena.  It was the clearest I have ever seen the sky in that area.  The park was really very nice with many mature trees and lots of grass.  It was a pleasant journey, as the traffic cooperated with our direction on both going South and returning North.  Got me to thinking that it should be that way all the time....

 

 These were so funny, I had to include them.

           Proof positive that one must maintain a sense of humor
about one’s work, no matter what you do.

  

 
 

"I learned it by watching you, Zuck."

Facebook is "hacked" again!  Actually, it was "scraped".  A new dating site scraped a quarter of a million Facebook sites, without permission, of course.  [Put all your gold in one box, and everyone wants to steal the box!]  I CERTAINLY can say once again (at least once) that I warned you.  Their response to Facebook complaining was, "I learned it by watching you, Zuck."

I remember when IBM took on chess, now they have a computer that is going to play Jeopardy!  I hope their search engine works better than Bing! And I hope Watson wins.  It will be a feather in the cap of the programmers and machine designers, and the prize of $1M.  


Sarah Palin (now copyrighted) will be here in Santa Barbara tonight to speak at the 100th birthday celebration of Ronald Reagan at his Ranch Foundation.  She is going to bend words around the idea that America's successes are ONLY because of Reagan's policies.  Give me a break.  Tomorrow night Dick Cheney is coming to continue the week of celebration.  The cops have their hands full as the town is filled with visitors and celebrities for the International Film Festival.  My wife wanted to know if we were going to go hear her speak.  I was shocked she would ask.  I wouldn't waste my time on Alaska's visionary (Remember she can see Russia from Wasilla!).

The following are supposedly actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

· I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

· Gun wounds again?

· Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

· A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

· Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

· This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

· Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

· I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

· I will surround their house by myself.

· Beat him out of recognizable shape!

· Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

· I have been scared silly too much lately.

· I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

· Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

· The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

· How can you use my intestines as a gift?

· Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some butt of the giant lizard person.

· Your western eyes will be fingered from your face.

· The Americans will not save you for Christmas.

· Feeling sexual we will invade into your women.

· You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a
roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,
they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty
minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses..

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant..
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card." 

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher.
Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.   Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.... !!

More About the Bing Sting...

I'm not sure who Mubarak thinks he is fooling, probably himself.  I don't think he will last until September.  I'd bet that if he doesn't step down, he'll get taken out- somehow.

Pleasant surprise- We usually watch American Idol, at least in the beginning of the season during the tryouts.  They are hilarious.  Then, towards the end of the season, we watch to guess at the winner.  We were wondering after they changed judges whether the "magic" would still be there.  I am impressed with Jennifer Lopez.  Not only is she very pleasant to look at, but also pleasant to listen to as she judges the tryouts.  She has just the right amount of humor and compassion without being friggin' silly like Paula Abdul.  Steven Tyler is just funny and spot on for the decisions he makes.  I predict that the show will still be a hit and the judges that left won't make difference...

More about the Bing Sting by Google.  I am actually blown away that Microsoft would do something so stupid.  If Google went down, what would happen to Bing for the duration ??


So apparently all smart phones that are for retail sale today are already antiques.  Their software is out of date and their processors are only half as fast as the ones being made at the same time.  There is no way to catch up on technology.  It is the same issue with flat screen TVs, cameras, laptops and so on.  All one can REALLY expect to do is capture a spot in the evolution of a product before it is replaced by a revolutionary new product.  You really don't pay for a new product, you pay to keep the product that replaces the one you bought off the market for a bit longer...

A young lady had become pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she could not and when told so by her doctor she broke down and cried.

"I can't have a baby now," she said, "There must be something you can do!"

The doctor thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea: "There's bound to be someone in this hospital for an appendix operation when you give birth. We'll just give her your baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all."

The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for an appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person who was, was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realizing the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as well try anyway.

The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his deathbed.

"There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am not your father." His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on; "I am your mother, the bishop is your father."

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.....you know.....I just HATE drawing welfare...I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided." "You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of  your job assignment, satisfy her urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."  

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators. 

Online Mislaid Trust

Ever wonder what happens with old rotary dial phones and spiral cables (if you remember that far back)?  Here is a good example....

Can you actually believe that Flickr doesn't back up the pictures that you upload?  A user lost 4000 pictures, and they couldn't restore them.  What can you put your trust in anymore?  This is a Yahoo company, which should answer the question as to who is running Flickr, a "bunch of Yahoos", naturally.

I'm still having a reaction to the stupidity of our city council after they spent $50,000 to move some benches to stem panhandling.  These people need help.  Help to help themselves.  The city council could have put better use with that money.  They attack the symptom of the problem instead of the problem.  We have homeless and panhandlers here because of the good weather and the wealth.  Neither of those is going to be affected by moving the benches.  They will do anything to protect tourism.

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head.

“No, they’re all at the funeral.”

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. ...You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

Oil Changing Instructions:
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh
oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floorboard in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.


The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington