Th Most Dangerous Device You Own

The most dangerous device you own is your smart phone.  As your smart phone becomes holds more of your sensitive data, not only financial, but also identity information.  This becomes you largest liability towards theft and fraud.  Your smart phone will eventually replace your wallet, but as in viticulture, "no wine before its time".  The industry has not implemented the protection required for safe operations as a financial vessel.  I certainly would not want to be a guinea pig in this endeavor.
Don't ever consider misplacing or losing your smart phone.....

 We don't like dealing with re-runs, so last evening I went to rent a movie.  First scanning Redbox, there was nothing worth renting- even for a buck.   Then I remembered a large 99 cent banner hanging in front of the local Blockbuster store.  I went in and was amazed at how much space there was between everything.  They were either planning for large crowds or their offerings a dwindled tremendously.  Since the place was almost empty, I assumed that their brick-and-mortar operations were definitely on the demise.  Being on the edge of death would explain their price drop.  After spending about twenty minutes in the store, it became obvious that very few titles have been spread around to many shelves and that there were numerous locations in the store that had the same titles.  It was hard to find something that we haven't seen, if we had wanted to.  After the previous night's time water ("Dinner For Schmucks"), I didn't need or want a repeat.  I picked up "Amelia".  While my wife moaned at the title when I got home, it turned out to be an interesting movie.  I would probably rate it at a "C-".  Most interesting though is the historical significance of the facts revealed during the show.  We did not realize that she was married, and that she dallied with Gene Vidal (who was a bigwig in Roosevelt's regime.  She was very friendly with his son, Gore.  As it turns out, this is the Gore Vidal we know of today.  We were not aware of the connection before the movie.

You know your brother in law is a redneck when you go to his house to visit and he pulls his riding lawnmower out from behind the house and he shows you the added features he has put on it.
Am/Fm cassette radio,
A bucket seat that he took out of the wrecked truck in the corn field,
The cup holder he installed(To hold his beer can),
The spot light, to look for deer while mowing at night,
And finally, the alarm system he took off his truck because he is afraid that someone might steal it.

If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape redneck fun wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.

Marvin Schlepmuffin Got Us

Of course, we were awakened by the smoke alarm this morning. It decided to let out its loud scream, until we were awake and got out of bed to investigate.  All was well (as far as I could tell) except that Marvin's buddy, a spider, probably walked though the smoke alarm's detection path.


We tried to watch "Dinner For Schmucks" last night.  I say tried, because it was sooo BAD that it was painful.  We finally gave up and shut it off, only to have my wife's curiosity get the best of her.  The title dinner does not occur until the end of the movie, so she wanted to see what happened, no matter how unbearably BAD it was.  I put it back on, and we asked each other why we did it.  Nobody should have even spent the money to MAKE this movie.  It should be shot twice in the head and put out of its misery!

Calling Collect
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

Road Crew
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

Owed Two A Spell Cheque
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew.

Housecleaning Hints
-- Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

-- Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

-- Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

-- Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

-- Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

-- General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

-- Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Bad Coffee
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

Cost of Replacement

I went into a few stores today, Staples and Albertson's.  Is it my imagination, or are prices rising dramatically?  Logic would say, if sales are down, then even though fuel costs and shipping are higher, the goods already at the stores shouldn't be going up.  Unfortunately, they do.  Consumers pay REPLACEMENT costs.  SO if a toothbrush it $2.59 and I buy it.  If the markup is 59 cents, then the store pays $2.00 to get a replacement to put on the shelf for sale.  If the cost of replacement goes up, then all the toothbrushes on the shelf go up as well.

Max is not a long dog (you probably guessed that).  It is still so funny though to watch him shake off.  First it is the head and ears, and then moving back like a wave of grain in the wind until it reaches his tail.  You think that was the end of it, but he shakes off all the way to the toes of his rear legs, and sometimes it looks like he shakes them right out from under himself!

If Bill Gates Was From The South

1. They would be called "WindersXP and Winders7".
2. Instead of the hour glass wait icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd open a winder that was covered with a hefty bag and duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes that give you the choice of "Yes, No, or Cancel" would now read "Ahh-right, Naw, or Git".
5. Instead of the "Ta-da" sound when opening Winders, you would now hear the "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would now be called "Out-House".
7. When you open the sound player, you would hear a digitized drunk yelling "Freebird".
8. Powerpoint would now be known as "Parpawnt".
9. Microsoft's programming tolls would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++".
10. The Winders95 logo would be the Confederate Flag.
11. Instead of the title "VP", Microsoft's big shots would be called "Cuz".
12. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am or a Chevy truck.
13. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
14. "Well, next thing ya know ol' Bill's a billionaire......"
15. Flight Simulator game would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.
16. Microsoft's CEO: Bubba Gates.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.........

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You've been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You've had to climb to the top of the water tower with a can of spray paint in order to defend your sister's honor.
The sign "say no to crack" reminds you to pull your jeans up.
You prefer to wear the length off your jeans in lieu of hemming them.
Your father walked you to school every day because you were in the same grade.
When the clerk tells you to take a number you have visions of somebody cheating at bingo.
You, just like all the other members of the Rhino Club, still wear your polyester leisure suit.
You've mowed your lawn and found a car.

Growing Up in a Small Town

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H and FFA are.
3. You went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
4. You used to lap "main".
5. You said the "F" word or smoked a cigarette and your parents knew within the hour.
6. You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
7. You could never buy alcohol because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).
8. When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy alcohol, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to drink it.
9. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
10. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
11. You don't give directions by street names, but by references: (Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and its four houses left of the track field).
12. You know everyone's car/truck and are expected to wave when you meet them in the road.
13. You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
14. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
15. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
16. You refer anyone with a house newer then 1980 as the "rich people".
17. The people in the "big city" dress funny (then you pick up the trend 2 years later).
18. Anyone you want can be found at the local gas station or the town pub or in front of the post office.
19. You see at least one person a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends drives a grain truck to school occasionally.
20. The gym teacher suggests you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
21. Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference.
22. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride somewhere.
23. Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names.
24. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
25. You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without any ID.
26. The closest McDonalds is 15 miles away (or more).
27. The closest mall is over an hour away and is called simply "THE Mall".
28. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
29. You are related in one way or another to a large percentage of the town's Population.
30. You laugh your butt off reading this because you know it is all true and you forward it to everyone who lives in your town (because you know them all).

Just Short of a Singularity

We attended an Arts & Lectures presentation last nigh at Campbell Hall on UCSB campus.  A visionary computer scientist, Jaron Lanier, was speaking.  Once you get past his appearance (i.e. he looks and dresses like a homeless person), and he speaks, you begin to realize how intelligent this guy is.  He is the one that coined the phrase "virtual reality" and introduced it to Hollywood and the video game industry.  Not since I attended a talk by Admiral Grace Hopper, have I been so impressed.  He claims that the true development of computer sciences should be based on the cognitive abilities of the human brain, and until we fully understand how it works, we won't have reached the "singularity".  The Singularity is when computer science reached the pinnacle of creating sentience in a computer.  At that point, as in the movies, they will probably attempt to take over, and no longer needed human, they will eradicate them.  Of course, we REALLY want to reach just below that point and no further.  He also spoke of the cultural shifts that online social networks will cause.  He urged that we all give up online social networking for a year, and we would realize that we we would need it, and that our obsession with being CONNECTED all the time was using up too much of our energies drained from our creative endeavors.  His talk was definitely an eye opener.  (Also checkout his web page: http://www.jaronlanier.com/index.html).

I've mentioned a few times since the gubernatorial election that Meg Whitman's name hasn't been in the news.  Wait no more.  With a board shakeup at HP, we see that she will join the board.  This doesn't mean that she has given up on politics, or that she has run out of money and needs to go back to work.  I think it is important to HP to have renown members on their board. Hopefully, she will NOT become the chairman...

A blonde and brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."

The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."

Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

The Stimulus Plan
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.  One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,  then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the stimulus plan works.

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.

"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants," he says, "a sample."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... a sample."

She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references."

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.
Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.  Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."  

Does American Idol Still Have the "X Factor"?

"American Idol" last night was like watching a different show.  Missing the sugary sweetness and bizarreness of Paula Abdul.  Missing the uncomfortable comments that were out of place as much as Kara Dioguardi was as a judge on this show.  Missing the wit of Ellen Degeneres. Missing the downright honesty and meanness of Simon Cowell.  The show has taken on a new perspective and warmness with Jennifer Lopez.  Steven Tyler is just a good judge of good singing, but he is definitely a creepy, dirty old man that doesn't want to be regarded as such.  Being tied (as usual) to the anchor of reality, is Randy Jackson.  The show is NOT the same, but it is too early to tell if that is good or bad.  The measure will be on the size of the flow of CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, rather than filtered mediocrity.  It is too early for an accurate judgment, but still it is worthwhile to watch.

Word is that America is tiring of Sarah Palin.  Have they come to their senses? Or have they just been re-focused?  I knew it would happen, but don't count her completely out yet.  He strength is that she can easily distract potential voters from reality.  She'll be popping up again, I'm sure.

Do you own your technology or does it own you?  If you think that you HAVE TO check your email very frequently, you are probably addicted.  Set aside a day once a week to shut off computer and cell phone.  Give your mind a break.  Lower your anxiety.  Slow the pace, and "smell the flowers".

Is everyone still mad at Jay Leno?  I don't know all the facts so I don't know how anybody could  ....

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

My prayer for 2011

Dear God,
My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!!! 

Hard of hearing

This dude goes to the doctor complaining of a hearing problem.

The Doc says, "Can you describe the symptoms?"

The dude replies, "Homer’s fat and Marge has blue hair" 

Facebook Naysayer Speaks Wisely...

Interesting reading about another Facebook naysayer, Jaron Lanier.  See the article (and maybe buy the book).  His work reveals many cultural upheavals of which we must take note.

Parking lot

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

 
Who's In Charge
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. 

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"  

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." 

Share Your Cell Phone Number With Facebook's Customers

Would we have expected less?  Sarah Palin says that she isn't going to shut up!  This isn't even news.....


Watched Piers Morgan's first show last night interviewing Oprah Winfrey.  He was (I believe) meeker than I expected, or maybe it was the power of Oprah that overwhelmed him.  All in all, it was an acceptable show- different than Larry King, but still worthwhile.

I'm confused.  Women have lines to get in their rest rooms, while men usually don't.  Now Sega wants to put video games in urinals!  This will make getting to one a bit more difficult....

First birds falling dead out of the sky, then masses of dead fish, now cows are dying inexplicably.  Is the Biblical prophesy coming true ?  This really getting too creepy....

Here it comes:  Facebook now wants your cell-phone number - to share!  Don't say I didn't warn you!





A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."





Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

The Right Place At the RIght Time- but Mucho Peligro!

"The Social Network" won a Golden Globe last night.  It is too bad that nobody has done a biopic about Bill Gates or Steve Jobs.  Their story certainly is as captivating.  I lived and worked in that era and saw the opportunities go by as I attempted to get a real life, outside of work, started.  Nobody would have guessed that there was that much money in that kind of idea.  The dot-com errand eventual burst basically told us all that it is very difficult to maintain growth without a product.  Just a website is not enough.  Zuckerberg intrigued the younger generation, just as laptops and smart phones allowed everyone to be connected.  He was in the right place at the right time.  We all were, but may not have reacted as a socially inept, but very smart, fanatic.  These are the kind of people that change the paradigm.

My best friend emailed with the best news.  His Oncologist says he is cancer free!  I am elated.

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day 

Muslim Mystery: Solved!
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets see now. No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, and No tailgate parties.

No pork BBQ, No hot-dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even freakin' frozen fish sticks!

Rags For clothes, towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors. 24 hour wailing from a guy in the tower.

You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses, and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey,but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you: IT ALL GETS BETTER WHEN YOU DIE!

"NO MYSTERY HERE"

The Anti-Social Network

Resistance is Not Futile...

Last night we watched "The Social Network".  Putting aside that the story is a historical repeat of someone being in the right place at the right time to make "the next big thing", the movie scared me even more.  If Zuckerberg is anything remotely like his socially inept character in the movie, all of us that have Facebook accounts are in REAL big trouble.  This guy had trouble concentrating on ANYTHING except Facebook.  He had no friends except one and knifed him in the back.  He is fanatical and is probably the type of person that should be constantly observed for when he is going to blow...  He keeps all of his emotions bottled up.  This picture is being considered for an award, but I don't think it will happen.  It is a pretty good story, based on fact- but I think the character portrayed in the movie is spot on.


Today we went down to Ojai to spend a bit of time with Tori before she returns to school tomorrow.  I noticed in the paper that there was an ad for the Ojai Peddler's Faire and it sounded like fun.  We were glad it was free because it was very disappointing.  Fortunately, one of our favorite restaurants is there, so the whole day wasn't lost.

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter 

Eroding Family To Blame...

I can't help but wonder, when I read the coverage of the Tucson shooting spree, what we could have done differently given the current state of our culture.  As me moved away from the central-family oriented lifestyle and allowed technology and the economy to govern our lifestyles, the familial responsibility has eroded.  So when the columnists say that we should have seen the warning signs and reacted, I agree.  The FAMILY should have seen the warning signs.  The SCHOOL should have seen the warning signs, and so on- but the only REASONABLE reaction should have come from the family.  If the gubmint is going to require a waiting period for obtaining a handgun, then she should do a REASONABLE background check at the perspective owner's expense.  Does Arizona even require a background check or waiting period to obtain a handgun?  Our own Congresswoman, Lois Capps claims that she will NOT be "packing heat", but her aids may.  If they are able to take down a shooter after the first few shots, will that prevent the fiasco?  After all, doesn't the shooter aim at his TARGET first, and create the peripheral damages afterward?

One of our biggest problems of today's culture are "entitlements".  Why do we think that we should get them?  Why are we always jealous of what someone else got ?

Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head..........
By Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million..
If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable. Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.
Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in harm’s way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers.. (Actually, soldiers are put in harm’s way by politicians and commanding officers.)
We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.
You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing.  Make sense?
However, our own US Congress voted themselves a raise Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system. If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month.
I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.

'Nuff said...

Adults Have Learned...
Great truths about life that adults have learned raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example:
I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Next time you're on an elevator and feel a little bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
4. Swat at flies that don't exist.
5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
9. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
14. Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortunately mine don't come out loud."
15. Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
16. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
17. Hire a Labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
19. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

I Just Want You To Hold Me…

I haven't quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't fee like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

	Adults have learned

Might As Well Be Friday the 13th...

Are we too obsessed with Facebook ?  Are we setting ourselves up for a big fall when there is a security breech?  I believe that that is the case.  Y2K is just a hiccup compared to amount of damage that can be done in an instant by Facebook.  Maybe I'm old or old fashioned, but I still cannot get used to running around with "my skirt up", exposing all of my secrets and statistics to the world.  Those of you that believe in it's innocence and mock me if you must.





Stopped at the market on the way home from work tonight.  As I was about to leave the parking lot, I backed up at the same time as someone else and we collided.  No damage to my truck, but a small dent on the other truck.  Now I have to go through all the insurance hoops...

Dog Tired
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back. He greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.
The next day he arrived as usual for his nap, but with a different note pinned to his collar: He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from eating too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking Into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass'.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. 

After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the passengers were becoming impatient but quit complaining when the pilot told them: "Why don't you look at it this way? Wouldn't you rather be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here?"

A cowboy and his wife had just been married, and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. "This is a very special `casion..." he told the clerk. "We need a good room with a strong bed." The clerk winked and asked, "Would you like the Bridal?" The cowboy thought for awhile and said, "Naw, I guess not. I`ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Shame on Those Zebra Killers!

Why is it that politically inciting radio hosts insist that what they say has nothing to do with the ideas that drive people to perform heinous actions?  Sara Palin cites "blood libel" as the issue.  If these potential mentally disturbed future criminals haven't gotten enough ideas from video games, violent movies, television and other violent acts by other disturbed individuals, she might be right.  What does it take for family members to get help for those individuals before this happens?  If they have health insurance (which they probably don't), that kind of help should be covered, but how do you get the individual to go?  If you are physically sick, there is no denying it.  If you are mentally sick, you wouldn't know it and it would require others to take the initiative.


What is with the local ranchers that shot and killed the zebras on the Hearst Ranch?  They did get out of the fenced area and may have been threatening their livestock, but why not utilize a sleep-inducing dart gun and have a bit of compassion towards a an endangered breed of animal?  Is there more story here? Or it this just a reaction to the Hearst Ranch arrogance?  On top of that, the ranchers have contacted taxidermists to create rugs.  This makes me sick.

So why didn't I find this on the inside of my Snapple lid?  The Titanic will disappear by 2030!  Apparently there is an iron eating bacteria that is devouring it!  Who would figure that ?

After a number of attacks on hikers and campers in
Alaska, the Department of Fish and Game released the
following advisory:

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle bears. We also
advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in
case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good
idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between
Black Bear and Grizzly Bear poop. Black bear poop is
smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells
like pepper. 

Redneck Quotes
1. Redneck Quote: It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

2. Redneck Quote: My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

3. Redneck Quote: Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed'.

4. Redneck Quote: Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

5. Redneck Quote: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

6. Redneck Quote: He's as country as cornflakes.

7. Redneck Quote: If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

8. Redneck Quote: Well butter my butt and call me biscuit.

9. Redneck Quote: It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

10. Redneck Quote: She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

11. Redneck Quote: This is gooder'n grits.

12. Redneck Quote: Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

Background Checks to Buy A Gun Are Too Expensive?

Sarah Palin put her foot in her mouth again (was it ever out?).  She likened the Arizona shootings to "blood libel" which is the excuse used over centuries to account for violence against the Jews.   If she ever thought she might have a chance at the Republican ticket in 2012, she had better keep her mouth closed!

When I was a kid, I always like to watch "Ozzie and Harriet".  As recently as a a year ago, I bought a DVD with four episodes on it, just for fun.  I saw Rick Nelson perform at a county fair in Oregon, just before he crashed in a plane and died.  Now Dave, his brother, died and he is the last of the the starts of that show.  Sad....

I listened to President Obama this evening while he spoke in Tucson.  He is attempting to heal the people over the tragedy.  It is a very sad speech and it is quite necessary.  The unfortunate fact is that he is closing the barn door after the cows have escaped.  Why does this country make it so easy (and even more so in Arizona) to obtain a gun without a background check?  If the background checks are too expensive, then the prospective gun buyer should pay for it.  That may slow down the proliferation of guns for a bit, but (hopefully) it may keep them out of the wrong hands.  Why am I not hearing anything about prevention ?

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the
boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...
promise!

Well the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around two thirty A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started
up, and cuckoo-ed three times. Quickly I realized she'd probably
wake up, so I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself, having a quick and witty solution to escape a possible
conflict, even when smashed.

Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her
12 o'clock. she didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with
that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said

"Well, it cuckoo-ed 3 times, said oh fuck, cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckoo-ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more and then farted.

A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
 

Jobs

A good teacher has class.
The professional farmer is outstanding in his field.
An incompetent chef can dessert his patrons.
A good cook knows how to dish it out.
An army cook can make a mess.
Accountants appreciate a good figure.
Smart electricians are up on current affairs.
An enthusiastic archeologist digs her job.
A mail carrier is a person of letters.
Taxidermists have lots of stuff.
A cement worker has concrete ideas.
Sleeping plumbers have pipe dreams.
Inventors are patently smart.
Your dentist knows the drill.
A good rancher has a herd mentality.
Gamblers are a dicey lot.
A photographer’s skill is developing.
A good artist can draw a crowd.
A roofer on the job is above it all.
Usually violinists just string along.
Lazy bakers loaf on the job.

New carpenters screw up a lot.
A blind barber depends upon shear luck.
A good baseball player is a swinger at home.
Football coaching is a sideline career.
Any golfer should be able to tell a good lie.
A funny butcher enjoys a good rib.
Experienced typists are key personnel.
A part-time maestro is a semiconductor.
A tall lawyer looks good in briefs.
A lousy lawyer is always appealing.
A good Realtor has lots of promise.
Editors have no problem making amends.
Kindergarten teaching is just kidding around.

A cowboy needs a stage coach.
Most doctors are patient people.
A competent tailor likes to size up his customers.
No shoe seller should have a stocking problem.
The son of the florist is a budding genius.
A suspicious gardener enjoys a good plot.
Some psychoanalysts give complex advice.
An evil candle maker does wicked things.
A successful funeral director is dead serious.
Undertakers face stiff competition.
Worried cemetery worker have grave concerns.
A nude model barely makes a living.

Some truck drivers are semi-professionals.
Telephone linemen can be poles apart. (lineman)
State troopers know just the ticket.
A ballerina can leap to conclusions.
Librarians possess novel information.
Cashiers think change is inevitable.
An experienced coroner is good at dead reckoning.
A determined webmaster can find the missing link.
An emotional dermatologist makes rash judgments.
A state governor prefers capital letters.
Old cabinet makers enjoy board meetings.
On the job, drillers are boring.

Fans think pro hockey players walk on water.
Most psychiatrists should be committed.
Cops have arresting personalities.
The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The taxi driver quit his job because he couldn’t hack it.
Every good musician is noteworthy.
Fishermen have to rely on net income.
There is no future in being a historian.
A playwright likes to make a scene.

BEWARE " THE TAX MAN IS COMING"
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector
to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent
was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the
hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What
do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little
left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and
send them back to the bandage company and every now
and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after
setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save
it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and
then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What
do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we
do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS
Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." 

Ready for Idol and Piers....?

Isn't it interesting about all the strange and unusual weather we are having?  Isn't it also interesting that we did not have much of a hurricane season this year? 


It is a first step to providing some competition, but giving Verizon the iPhone without 4G capabilities is like trying to play tennis with one hand tied behind your back, the one with the racket.  It is going to be a big strain on the system using only CDMA.  I can't imagine what would happen though, say if Verizon sells a million iPhones, then Apple comes out with the 4G model, and EVERYONE upgrades and uses the 4G capabilities ALL AT ONCE!

The outlandish contests and bickering between the judges made watching American Idol worthwhile in the beginning of the season.  The singers made it worthwhile in the second half of the season.  Now with Simon Cowell, Ellen Degeneres, Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul gone, the show will just about be completely different.  I hoping for the better, but we shall see...

I'm also looking forward to seeing the first week of Piers Morgan Tonight starting next Monday with Oprah Winfrey. When he is a judge (don't know if he still is) on America's Got Talent, he is USUALLY the judge that gets booed- on TV and here at home.  I know we will miss Larry King, but this guy is talented and (theoretically) can turn this into HIS show instead of a substitute "Larry King Live".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche

I mentioned it on FaceBook too. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend.

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . .

the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.  

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead!

I just can't take that chance.

The Dulling of Palin...

It is really too bad about the maniac in Tucson. I guess they are well distributed all over. Arizona DOES make it easier to get armed though. It is the only state in which you can own a machine gun or a tank if you wish. The real question is what set him off into becoming an indiscriminate murderer ?
Is Sarah Palin and the Tea Party losing their luster ?  That depends who you listen to.  I think people like to hear her speak, and frequently they agree with her- but they wouldn't vote for her in a presidential election.

Two blondes in a pickup truck drive into a lumberyard.
One of the men walks in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asks, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The blonde says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.
He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The blonde pauses for a minute and says, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the blonde returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." 

Texasisms

Ah - (ah). The letter "I" or the sound produced by the long "i", as in ahce (ice), tahr (tire), lahk (like), or mah (my).

All git out - (all-git-out). To a great degree, exceedingly, or as much as possible, as in, "She was madder'n (see 'n below) all git out!"

Ah'ite - (ah'ite). Alright, as in, "Is ev'thang (see ev'thang below) ah'ite?"

Bald - (bald). Boiled, as in, "Cook me up a hard bald egg."

Big'o - (big-oh). Big ol', big ole, or big old, as in, "That sure's a big'o truck."

Caw - (caw). Call, as in, "Caw may (see may below) later."

Done - (dun). Done, completed, broken up, or tired, as in "the chicken's done", "we're done", or "I'm done."

Ev'thang - (ev-uh-thang). Everything, as in "Is ev'thang ah'ite (see ah'ite above)? See also thang below. Fixin' - (fix-in). About, when used with to, pronounced "tuh", as in "I'm fixin' tuh go to the game." Or, the whole of the side dishes included with a meal when made plural "fixins", as in "We're havin' turkey and all the fixins."

Gimme - (gi-mee). Give me or give to me, as in "Gimme a break."

Get/Got on at - (get or got-on-at). To gain or to have gained employment from, as in, "Johnny's gonna' (see gonna' below) try to get on at the feedlot next week," or "Johnny got on at the feedlot last week."

Gonna' - (gun-uh). Going to. See get/got on at above.

In'thang - (in-uh-thang). Anything, as in "Do we need in'thang from the store?"

Jeetjet - (jeet-jet). Did you eat yet(?), as in, "Jeetjet? Squeat." (See squeat below). Kicker - (kick-ur). The deciding or utmost motivating factor, the last and typically most persuasive reason or argument. As in, "...and here's the kicker..."

Libel'ta - (libel-tuh). Liable to, or, more appropriately, likely to, as in "He's libel'ta go off and do sumpin' (see sumpin' below) stupid." 

May - (may). Me, see caw above.

'n - (un). Than, when following a descriptive, as in "bigger'n Dallas" or "madder'n all git out (see all git out above)."

Nuttin' - (nut-in). Nothing, as in, "I ain't got nuttin'."

O' - (o). Ol', ole, or old, an article like "the" or "a", especially when applied to persons or animals, as in "O' Scooter is good o' boy (or dog)."

-Off - (off). A condition or state of being when appended to the end of a descriptive, as in "The doc says Jim's pretty bad-off." Others include good-off, well-off, and the more familiar ticked-off, hacked-off and, of course, p'd-off.

-Out - (out). Appended to a verb to form seemingly interchangeable present tense descriptives, as in wore-out, give-out, plum-out.
Note: for the present perfect tense of verbs ending in "n" or "en", drop the "n", as in wore-out (not worn out).

Ov'air - (ohv-heir). Over there, as in, "Where are my shoes? They're ov'air."

Piddlee'o - (pid-lee-oh). Small, or a small amount, as in "Ain't you just a piddlee'o thang."

Place - (place). A particular though perhaps undefined parcel of property often preceded by a proper noun to provide definition, as in "the o' (see o' above) Johnson place." Not to be confused with the English slang "place" meaning residence, as in "my place" or "your place". If you want to invite a Texan over to your "place" and the "place" to which you are refering is a 400 sq. ft. apartment, expect to be escorted to the nearest state line.

Purt/Purtee - (pert or perty). Pretty. Omit the last syllable when preceding a descriptive, "Joe's purt well-off (see -off above)," pronounce the last syllable when referencing attractivness, as in "She's show 'nuff (see show 'nuff below) purty!"

'R - (are). Our, not to be confused with "are". 

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States

The Lord said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the flooding rains for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."