Might As Well Be Friday the 13th...

Are we too obsessed with Facebook ?  Are we setting ourselves up for a big fall when there is a security breech?  I believe that that is the case.  Y2K is just a hiccup compared to amount of damage that can be done in an instant by Facebook.  Maybe I'm old or old fashioned, but I still cannot get used to running around with "my skirt up", exposing all of my secrets and statistics to the world.  Those of you that believe in it's innocence and mock me if you must.





Stopped at the market on the way home from work tonight.  As I was about to leave the parking lot, I backed up at the same time as someone else and we collided.  No damage to my truck, but a small dent on the other truck.  Now I have to go through all the insurance hoops...

Dog Tired
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back. He greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.
The next day he arrived as usual for his nap, but with a different note pinned to his collar: He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from eating too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking Into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass'.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. 

After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the passengers were becoming impatient but quit complaining when the pilot told them: "Why don't you look at it this way? Wouldn't you rather be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here?"

A cowboy and his wife had just been married, and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. "This is a very special `casion..." he told the clerk. "We need a good room with a strong bed." The clerk winked and asked, "Would you like the Bridal?" The cowboy thought for awhile and said, "Naw, I guess not. I`ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Shame on Those Zebra Killers!

Why is it that politically inciting radio hosts insist that what they say has nothing to do with the ideas that drive people to perform heinous actions?  Sara Palin cites "blood libel" as the issue.  If these potential mentally disturbed future criminals haven't gotten enough ideas from video games, violent movies, television and other violent acts by other disturbed individuals, she might be right.  What does it take for family members to get help for those individuals before this happens?  If they have health insurance (which they probably don't), that kind of help should be covered, but how do you get the individual to go?  If you are physically sick, there is no denying it.  If you are mentally sick, you wouldn't know it and it would require others to take the initiative.


What is with the local ranchers that shot and killed the zebras on the Hearst Ranch?  They did get out of the fenced area and may have been threatening their livestock, but why not utilize a sleep-inducing dart gun and have a bit of compassion towards a an endangered breed of animal?  Is there more story here? Or it this just a reaction to the Hearst Ranch arrogance?  On top of that, the ranchers have contacted taxidermists to create rugs.  This makes me sick.

So why didn't I find this on the inside of my Snapple lid?  The Titanic will disappear by 2030!  Apparently there is an iron eating bacteria that is devouring it!  Who would figure that ?

After a number of attacks on hikers and campers in
Alaska, the Department of Fish and Game released the
following advisory:

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle bears. We also
advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in
case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good
idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between
Black Bear and Grizzly Bear poop. Black bear poop is
smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells
like pepper. 

Redneck Quotes
1. Redneck Quote: It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

2. Redneck Quote: My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

3. Redneck Quote: Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed'.

4. Redneck Quote: Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

5. Redneck Quote: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

6. Redneck Quote: He's as country as cornflakes.

7. Redneck Quote: If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

8. Redneck Quote: Well butter my butt and call me biscuit.

9. Redneck Quote: It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

10. Redneck Quote: She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

11. Redneck Quote: This is gooder'n grits.

12. Redneck Quote: Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

Background Checks to Buy A Gun Are Too Expensive?

Sarah Palin put her foot in her mouth again (was it ever out?).  She likened the Arizona shootings to "blood libel" which is the excuse used over centuries to account for violence against the Jews.   If she ever thought she might have a chance at the Republican ticket in 2012, she had better keep her mouth closed!

When I was a kid, I always like to watch "Ozzie and Harriet".  As recently as a a year ago, I bought a DVD with four episodes on it, just for fun.  I saw Rick Nelson perform at a county fair in Oregon, just before he crashed in a plane and died.  Now Dave, his brother, died and he is the last of the the starts of that show.  Sad....

I listened to President Obama this evening while he spoke in Tucson.  He is attempting to heal the people over the tragedy.  It is a very sad speech and it is quite necessary.  The unfortunate fact is that he is closing the barn door after the cows have escaped.  Why does this country make it so easy (and even more so in Arizona) to obtain a gun without a background check?  If the background checks are too expensive, then the prospective gun buyer should pay for it.  That may slow down the proliferation of guns for a bit, but (hopefully) it may keep them out of the wrong hands.  Why am I not hearing anything about prevention ?

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the
boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...
promise!

Well the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around two thirty A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started
up, and cuckoo-ed three times. Quickly I realized she'd probably
wake up, so I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself, having a quick and witty solution to escape a possible
conflict, even when smashed.

Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her
12 o'clock. she didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with
that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said

"Well, it cuckoo-ed 3 times, said oh fuck, cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckoo-ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more and then farted.

A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
 

Jobs

A good teacher has class.
The professional farmer is outstanding in his field.
An incompetent chef can dessert his patrons.
A good cook knows how to dish it out.
An army cook can make a mess.
Accountants appreciate a good figure.
Smart electricians are up on current affairs.
An enthusiastic archeologist digs her job.
A mail carrier is a person of letters.
Taxidermists have lots of stuff.
A cement worker has concrete ideas.
Sleeping plumbers have pipe dreams.
Inventors are patently smart.
Your dentist knows the drill.
A good rancher has a herd mentality.
Gamblers are a dicey lot.
A photographer’s skill is developing.
A good artist can draw a crowd.
A roofer on the job is above it all.
Usually violinists just string along.
Lazy bakers loaf on the job.

New carpenters screw up a lot.
A blind barber depends upon shear luck.
A good baseball player is a swinger at home.
Football coaching is a sideline career.
Any golfer should be able to tell a good lie.
A funny butcher enjoys a good rib.
Experienced typists are key personnel.
A part-time maestro is a semiconductor.
A tall lawyer looks good in briefs.
A lousy lawyer is always appealing.
A good Realtor has lots of promise.
Editors have no problem making amends.
Kindergarten teaching is just kidding around.

A cowboy needs a stage coach.
Most doctors are patient people.
A competent tailor likes to size up his customers.
No shoe seller should have a stocking problem.
The son of the florist is a budding genius.
A suspicious gardener enjoys a good plot.
Some psychoanalysts give complex advice.
An evil candle maker does wicked things.
A successful funeral director is dead serious.
Undertakers face stiff competition.
Worried cemetery worker have grave concerns.
A nude model barely makes a living.

Some truck drivers are semi-professionals.
Telephone linemen can be poles apart. (lineman)
State troopers know just the ticket.
A ballerina can leap to conclusions.
Librarians possess novel information.
Cashiers think change is inevitable.
An experienced coroner is good at dead reckoning.
A determined webmaster can find the missing link.
An emotional dermatologist makes rash judgments.
A state governor prefers capital letters.
Old cabinet makers enjoy board meetings.
On the job, drillers are boring.

Fans think pro hockey players walk on water.
Most psychiatrists should be committed.
Cops have arresting personalities.
The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The taxi driver quit his job because he couldn’t hack it.
Every good musician is noteworthy.
Fishermen have to rely on net income.
There is no future in being a historian.
A playwright likes to make a scene.

BEWARE " THE TAX MAN IS COMING"
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector
to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent
was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the
hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What
do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little
left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and
send them back to the bandage company and every now
and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after
setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save
it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and
then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What
do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we
do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS
Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." 

Ready for Idol and Piers....?

Isn't it interesting about all the strange and unusual weather we are having?  Isn't it also interesting that we did not have much of a hurricane season this year? 


It is a first step to providing some competition, but giving Verizon the iPhone without 4G capabilities is like trying to play tennis with one hand tied behind your back, the one with the racket.  It is going to be a big strain on the system using only CDMA.  I can't imagine what would happen though, say if Verizon sells a million iPhones, then Apple comes out with the 4G model, and EVERYONE upgrades and uses the 4G capabilities ALL AT ONCE!

The outlandish contests and bickering between the judges made watching American Idol worthwhile in the beginning of the season.  The singers made it worthwhile in the second half of the season.  Now with Simon Cowell, Ellen Degeneres, Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul gone, the show will just about be completely different.  I hoping for the better, but we shall see...

I'm also looking forward to seeing the first week of Piers Morgan Tonight starting next Monday with Oprah Winfrey. When he is a judge (don't know if he still is) on America's Got Talent, he is USUALLY the judge that gets booed- on TV and here at home.  I know we will miss Larry King, but this guy is talented and (theoretically) can turn this into HIS show instead of a substitute "Larry King Live".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche

I mentioned it on FaceBook too. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend.

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . .

the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.  

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead!

I just can't take that chance.

The Dulling of Palin...

It is really too bad about the maniac in Tucson. I guess they are well distributed all over. Arizona DOES make it easier to get armed though. It is the only state in which you can own a machine gun or a tank if you wish. The real question is what set him off into becoming an indiscriminate murderer ?
Is Sarah Palin and the Tea Party losing their luster ?  That depends who you listen to.  I think people like to hear her speak, and frequently they agree with her- but they wouldn't vote for her in a presidential election.

Two blondes in a pickup truck drive into a lumberyard.
One of the men walks in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asks, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The blonde says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.
He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The blonde pauses for a minute and says, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the blonde returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." 

Texasisms

Ah - (ah). The letter "I" or the sound produced by the long "i", as in ahce (ice), tahr (tire), lahk (like), or mah (my).

All git out - (all-git-out). To a great degree, exceedingly, or as much as possible, as in, "She was madder'n (see 'n below) all git out!"

Ah'ite - (ah'ite). Alright, as in, "Is ev'thang (see ev'thang below) ah'ite?"

Bald - (bald). Boiled, as in, "Cook me up a hard bald egg."

Big'o - (big-oh). Big ol', big ole, or big old, as in, "That sure's a big'o truck."

Caw - (caw). Call, as in, "Caw may (see may below) later."

Done - (dun). Done, completed, broken up, or tired, as in "the chicken's done", "we're done", or "I'm done."

Ev'thang - (ev-uh-thang). Everything, as in "Is ev'thang ah'ite (see ah'ite above)? See also thang below. Fixin' - (fix-in). About, when used with to, pronounced "tuh", as in "I'm fixin' tuh go to the game." Or, the whole of the side dishes included with a meal when made plural "fixins", as in "We're havin' turkey and all the fixins."

Gimme - (gi-mee). Give me or give to me, as in "Gimme a break."

Get/Got on at - (get or got-on-at). To gain or to have gained employment from, as in, "Johnny's gonna' (see gonna' below) try to get on at the feedlot next week," or "Johnny got on at the feedlot last week."

Gonna' - (gun-uh). Going to. See get/got on at above.

In'thang - (in-uh-thang). Anything, as in "Do we need in'thang from the store?"

Jeetjet - (jeet-jet). Did you eat yet(?), as in, "Jeetjet? Squeat." (See squeat below). Kicker - (kick-ur). The deciding or utmost motivating factor, the last and typically most persuasive reason or argument. As in, "...and here's the kicker..."

Libel'ta - (libel-tuh). Liable to, or, more appropriately, likely to, as in "He's libel'ta go off and do sumpin' (see sumpin' below) stupid." 

May - (may). Me, see caw above.

'n - (un). Than, when following a descriptive, as in "bigger'n Dallas" or "madder'n all git out (see all git out above)."

Nuttin' - (nut-in). Nothing, as in, "I ain't got nuttin'."

O' - (o). Ol', ole, or old, an article like "the" or "a", especially when applied to persons or animals, as in "O' Scooter is good o' boy (or dog)."

-Off - (off). A condition or state of being when appended to the end of a descriptive, as in "The doc says Jim's pretty bad-off." Others include good-off, well-off, and the more familiar ticked-off, hacked-off and, of course, p'd-off.

-Out - (out). Appended to a verb to form seemingly interchangeable present tense descriptives, as in wore-out, give-out, plum-out.
Note: for the present perfect tense of verbs ending in "n" or "en", drop the "n", as in wore-out (not worn out).

Ov'air - (ohv-heir). Over there, as in, "Where are my shoes? They're ov'air."

Piddlee'o - (pid-lee-oh). Small, or a small amount, as in "Ain't you just a piddlee'o thang."

Place - (place). A particular though perhaps undefined parcel of property often preceded by a proper noun to provide definition, as in "the o' (see o' above) Johnson place." Not to be confused with the English slang "place" meaning residence, as in "my place" or "your place". If you want to invite a Texan over to your "place" and the "place" to which you are refering is a 400 sq. ft. apartment, expect to be escorted to the nearest state line.

Purt/Purtee - (pert or perty). Pretty. Omit the last syllable when preceding a descriptive, "Joe's purt well-off (see -off above)," pronounce the last syllable when referencing attractivness, as in "She's show 'nuff (see show 'nuff below) purty!"

'R - (are). Our, not to be confused with "are". 

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States

The Lord said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the flooding rains for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Bridge Views

This morning we decided to use a gift certificate that we had received and go to breakfast at the Cold Spring Tavern, which is an old stagecoach stop.  Particularly nice on a cold or wet morning, since each of the rooms in the tavern has a fireplace to cozy up to.  At any rate, it is adjacent to a very historic bridge, the Old San Marcos Bridge. This bridge has become the center of a large local controversy lately.  Since the bridge was built with only three foot high rails, it has become a favorite place to commit suicide.  To prevent that from occurring, CALTRANS has decided to put high chain link fencing all along the bridge.  A local group of "concerned" citizens has fought them tooth-and-nails in court from ruining the view on a bridge that cars cannot stop on.  So for the few moments that your car is on the bridge, these people claim that the view should be unobstructed.  I am dumbfounded with how much monies and efforts are being wasted on such a stupid issue.  I say that CALTRANS should do what they think is best and the courts should support them.  The view would remain unobstructed before and after the bridge, where cars could stop to enjoy it, otherwise please find better issues to support or oppose that are more logical and compassionate.

We watched "Case 39" last night.  It was a bizarre movie.  Many time during the showing, we were going to shut it off, but continued to satisfy our curiosity.  I would NOT recommend it.

A Little Boy Said to His Grandpa

"Make a frog noise for me grandpa."
"No son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now."
"Oh please, grandpa, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh please, grandpa, make a frog noise."
"Why is it so damn important to you that I make a frog noise!"
"Because Mom said that when you croak, we are going to Disneyland."

Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by

You know you're a redneck when...
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

Funny Names Aaron Thetires (Air in the Tires)
Abe Rudder (Hey Brother)
Abbie Birthday (Happy Birthday)
Abel N. Willan (Able and Willing)
Achilles Punks (I'll Kill These Punks)
Adam Bomb (Atom Bomb)
Adam Meway (Out of My Way)
Adam Sapple (Adam's Apple)
Adolf Oliver Nippils (Ate Off All Of Her Nipples)
Al B. Zienya (I'll Be Seeing You)
Al DePantzeu (I'll De-Pants You)
Al Gore-Rythim (Algorithym)
Al Kaholic (Alcoholic)
Al Kaseltzer (Alkaseltzer)
Al Kickurass (I'll Kick Your Ass)
Al Killeu (I'll Kill You)
Al Luminum (Aluminum)
Al Nino (El Nino)
Al O'Moaney (Alimony)
Alpha Kenny Wun (I'll Fuck Anyone)
Alec Tricity (Electricity)
Alex Blaine Layder (I'll Explain Later)
Alf Abet (Alphabet)
Ali Gator (Ali Gator)
Allota Fagina (A lot of vagina)
Amanda B. Recandwithe (A Man to Be Reckoned With)
Amanda Lay (A Man To Lay)
Amanda Hugnkiss (A Man to Hug and Kiss)
Andy Gravity (Anti-Gravity)
Andy Structible (Indestructible)
Anita Cock (I need a cock)
Anita Bath (I Need A Bath)
Anita Hoare (I Need A Whore)
Ann B. Dextrous (Ambidextrous)
Ann Chovie (Anchovy)
Ann Tartica (Antartica)
Anna Linjection (Anal Injection)
Anna Mull (Animal)
Anna Rexiya (Anorexia)
Anne T. Lope (Antelope)
Annie Buddyhome (Anybody Home)
Annie Mah (Enema)
Ariel Hassle (A Real Hassle)
Artie Choke (Artichoke)
Aunty Biotic (Anti-Biotic)
Ayma Dommy (I'm A Dummy)
Ayma Moron (I'm a Moron)
Barb Dwyer (Barbed Wire)
Barb E. Cue (Barbecue)
Barry D'Alive (Buried Alive)
Barry D. Hatchett (Bury the Hatchett)
Barry Shmelly (Very Smelly)
Bart Ender (Bartender)
Bea O'Problem (B.O. Problem)
Bea Sting (Bee Sting)
Beau Vine (Bovine)
Ben Crobbery (Bank Robbery)
Ben Dover (Bend Over)
Ben O'Drill (Benadryl)
Ben Thair (Been There)
Ben Lyon (Been lieing)
Bess Twishes (Best Wishes)
Betty Bangzer (Bet He Bangs Her)
Betty Beatzer (Bet He Beats Her)
Betty Humpser (Bet He Humps Her)
Bill Board (Billboard)
Bill Ding (Building)
Bill Leeake (Belly Ache)
Bill Lowney (Bologna)
Bjorn Free (Born Free)
Bo Nessround (Bonus Round)
Bob Frapples (Bob for Apples)
Bowen Arrow (Bow and Arrow)
Boyd Schidt (Bird Shit)
Brice Tagg (Price Tag)
Brighton Early (Bright and Early)
Brook Lynn Bridge (Brooklyn Bridge)
Bud Weiser (Budweiser)
Burnedette Down (Burnt it Down)
Buster Cherry (Bust her Cherry)
Buster Hymen (Bust her Hymen)
Cal Culator (Calculator...duh)
Cal Efornia (California)
Cal Seeium (Calcium)
Candice B. DePlace (Can This Be The Place)
Candice B. Fureal (Can This Be For Real)
Carl Arm (Car Alarm)
Carlotta Tendant (Car Lot Attendant)
Carra S. Midown (Caress Me Down)
Carrie DeKoffin (Carry the Coffin)
Carrie Oakey (Karaoke)
Carson O. Gin (Carcinogen)
Casey Deeya (Quesadilla)
Casey Needzit (In Case He Needs It)
Chad Terbocks (Chatterbox)
Chanda Lear (Chandalear)
Chi Spurger (Cheeseburger)
Chris Ko (Crisco)
Chris Mass (Christmas)
Chris P. Nugget (Crispy Nugget)
Chuck Mysak (Chuck My Sack)
Chuck Roast (Hmmm...Chuck Roast?)
Claire DeAir (Clear the Air)
Clara Nett (Clarinet)
Clara Sabell (Clear as a Bell)
Claude N. Skretchem (Clawed and Scratched Them)
Clint Toris (Clitoris)
Cody Pendant (Co-Dependant)
Cole Kutz (Cold cuts) See
Colette A. Day
Colin Allcars (Calling all Cars)
Colleen Cardd (Calling Card)
Connie Lingus (Cunnilingus)
Craig Potz (Crackpots)
Craven Moorehead (Craving More Head)
Crystal Ball (Crystal Ball)
Curt N. Rodd (Curtain Rod)
Curt Zee (Curtsy)
Cy Burns (Sideburns)
Cy Kosis (Psychosis)
Dale E. Bread (Daily Bread)
Dan D. Lyon (Dandelion)
Dan Druff (Dandruff)
Dan Geruss (Dangerous)
Dan Gleebitz (Dangly Bits)
Danielle Soloud (Don't Yell So Loud)
Darius Lesgettham (There He Is, Let's Get Him)
Darrell B. Moore (There'll be More)
Daryl Lect (Derelict)
Dawn Keebals (Donkey Balls)
Dee Capitated (Decapitated)
Dee Faced (Defaced)
Dee Sember (December)
Dennis Toffice (Dentist Office)
Denny Juan Heredatt (Did Anyone Hear That?)
Des Buratto (Desperado)
Diane Toluvia (Dyin' to Love Ya)
Di O'Bolic (Diobolic)
Dick Cumoff (Dick Come Off)
Dick Gozinia (Dick Goes In Ya)
Dick Head (Uhhh...Dick Head)
Dick N. Cider (Dick Inside Her)
Dick Zucker (Dick Sucker...You Know Who You Are)
Dick Tater (Dictator)
Didi Reelydoit (Did He Really Do It?)
Dinah Sore (Dinosaur)
Doll R. Bill...(Dollar Bill)
Don Thatt (Done That)
Doug Graves (Dug Graves)
Douglas S. Halfempty (The Glass is Half Empty)
Drew Blood (Drew Blood)
Drew Peacock (Droopy Cock)
Duane DeVane (Drain the Vain)
Dustin D. Furniture (Dusting the Furniture)
Dwayne Pipes (Drain Pipes)
Dylan Weed (Dealin' Weed)
Earl E. Byrd (Early Bird)
Eda Dick (Eat a dick)
Ed Ible (Edible)
Ed Jewcation (Education)
Ed Venture (Adventure)
Eileen Dover (I Leaned Over)
Ella Vader (Elevator)
Elle O'Quent (Eloquent)
Ellie Noise (Illinois)
Ellis Dee (L.S.D)
Elmer Sklue (Elmer's Glue)
Emma Roids (Hemorrhoids)
Eric Shun (Erection)
Evan Lee Arps (Heavenly Harps)
Evans Gayte (Heavan's Gate)
Eve Hill (Evil)
Eve Ning (Evening)
Eve O'Lution (Evolution)
Ewan Whatarmy (You and What Army?)
Faye Kinnitt (Faking It)
Faye Slift (Face Lift)
Faye Tallity (Fatality)
Fletcher Bisceps (Flex Your Bisceps)
Frank Furter (Frankfurter)
Freida Convict (Free the Convict)
Frank N. Stein (Frankenstein)
Gabe Asher (Gay Basher)
Gabe Barr (Gay Bar)
Gene E. Yuss (Genius)
Gene Poole (Gene Pool)
Ginger Vitis (Gingervitis)
Gil T. Azell (Guilty as Hell)
Gladys Eeya (Glad to See Ya)
Gus Comzadia (Gas Comes Outta Ya)
Gus Tofwin (Gust of Wind) 
Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah)
Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch (You Bitch)
Hugh deMann (You Da Man!)
Hugh G. Rection (Huge Erection)
Hugh Jass (Huge Ass)
Hugh Mungous (Humungous)
Hugo First (You Go First)
Hy Gene (Hygiene)
Ida Whana (I Don't Want to)
Igor Beaver (Eager Beaver)
Ilene Dover (I Leaned Over)
Ima B. Leever (I'm A Believer)
I.P. Freehly (I Pee Freely)
Ira Fuse (I Refuse)
I. Ron Stomach (Iron Stomach)
Ivana Humpalot (I Want to Hump A Lot)
Ivan Itchinanus (I Hate an Itching Anus)
Ivana Kutchukokoff (I Wanna Cut Your Cock Off)
Ivana Tinkle ( I Want to Tinkle)
Izzy Backyet (Is He Back Yet?)
Izzy Cumming (Is He Cumming)
Jack Dupp (Jacked Up)
Jack Koff (Jack Off)
Jack Pot (Jackpot!)
Jacques Strap (Jock Strap)
Jan U. Wharry (January)
Jane Linkfence (Chainlink Fence)
Jaqueline Hyde (Jekyll and Hyde)
Jawana Die (Do Ya Wanna Die?)
Jay Walker (Uhhh...Jay Walker)
Jeanette Akenja-Nearing (Genetic Engineering)
Jed I. Knight (Jedi Knight)
Jeff Healitt (Did Ya Feel It?)
Jenny Tull (Genital)
Jerry Atrics (Geriatrics)
Jim Nasium (Gymnasium)
Joanna Hand (D'ya Want a Hand?)
Joe Czarfunee (Jokes Are Funny)
Joe King (Joking)
Jose Frayed (Who's Afraid)
Juan De Hattatime(One Day at a Time)
Juan Fortharoad (One For the Road)
Juan Nightstand (One Night Stant)
Juana Bea (Wanna-Be)
Justin Case (Just in Case)
Justin Credible (Just Incredible)
Kareem O'Weet (Cream of Wheat)
Kaye Ken Cofe (Cake and Coffee)
Kay Neine (Canine)
Kay O'Pectate (Kaopectate)
Ken Oppenner (Can Opener)
Kenitra Bush (Can I Eat Your Bush)
Kenny Dewitt (Can He Do It?)
Kenny Fakur (Can he Fuck her)
Kent Cook (Can't Cook)
Kim Payne Slogan (Campaign Slogan)
Kimmy Head (Give Me Head)
Lance Lyde (Landslide)
Laura Lynn Hardy (Laurel and Hardy)
Lee Keyrear (Leaky Rear)
Lee Nover (Lean Over)
Len DeHande (Lend a Hand)
Leo Tarred (Leotard)
Lily Livard (Lily Livered)
Lisa Neucar (Lease a New Car)
Liz Onnia (Lasagna)
Lou Briccant (Lubricant)
Lon Moore (Lawn Mower)
Luke Adam Go (Look at Him Go)
Lou Sirr (Loser)
Lou Stooth (Loose Tooth)
Louise E. Anna (Louisiana)
Lowden Clear (Loud and Clear)
Luke Atmyass (Look At My Ass)
Luna Tick (Lunatic)
Lyle Ike Adogg (Lie Like a Dog)
Lynn Guini (Linguini)
Lynn Meabuck (Lend Me a Buck)
Mabel Syrup (Maple Syrup)
Madame Crotch (My Damn Crotch)
Madka Owdiseez (Mad Cow Disease)
Manuel Labor (Manual labor)
Marcus Absent (Mark Us Absent)
Marge Innastraightline (March in a Straight Line)
Marion Money (Marrying Money)
Mark Mywords (Mark My Words)
Mark Z. Spot (Mark The Spot)
Marsha Dimes (March of Dimes)
Martha Fokker (Motherfucker)
Mary Christmas (Merry Christmas)
Mary Gold (Marigold)
Mary Juana (Marijuana)
Mary Ott (Marriot)
Mary Thonn (Marathon)
Master Bates (Masturbates)
May I. Tutchem (May I Touch Them?)
May O'Nays (Mayonaise)
Max E. Mumm (Maximum)
Max E. Pad (Maxi Pad)
Megan Bacon (Makin' Bacon)
Mel Keetehts (Milky Tits)
Melissa Tothis (Ma, Listen to This)
Mel Practiss (Malpractice)
Michael Toris (My Clitoris)
Michelle Lynn (Michelin)
Midas Well (Might As Well...)
Mike Hunt (My Cunt)
Mike Ockhurts (My Cock Hurts)
Mike Ocksmall (My Cock's Small)
Mike Rohsopht (Microsoft)
Mike Rotchburns (My Crotch Burns)
Milly Meter (Millimeter)
Minnie Skurt (Miniskirt)
Miss Alanius (Miscellaneous)
Misty Meanor (Misdemeanor)
Mitch Again (Michigan)
Miya Buttreaks (My Butt Reaks)
Moe DeLawn (Moe the Lawn)
Moe Lester (Molester)
Moe Skeeto (Mosquito)
Moe Telsiks (Motel Six)
Mary Ott (Marriot)
Mort Tallity (Mortality)
Myra Maines (My Remains)
Mysha Long (My Shlong)
Nadia Seymour (Now do you see more?)
Nida Lyte (Need a Light)
Neil B. Formy (Kneel Before Me)
Neve Adda (Nevada)
Nick L. Andime (Nickel and Dime)
Nick O'Teen (Nicotine)
Nick Ovtime (Nick Of Time)
  

Wrestling Match

Don't give up on Google.  Investors are not buying into "Facebook is the new Google" idea.  Don't underestimate Google as it's new presence (as Android) has found millions of new homes in smart phones, tablets (and who knows what else).  It's power is limitless and doesn't require membership.


As a baby-boomer I am aghast at what we have done to our future.  Every single one of us wanted to and strived to give our kids better (everything) than we had.  The really unfortunate fact is that our kids expect entitlements and they are lazy.  They are spoiled by the technologies that we brought to the world.  They blame us for pollution and global warming and wars, but those are the prices that we had to pay to bring better to them.  They hold their friendships and attention to video games more tender and important than family.  They won't admit it but that is the case.

I have wrestled with the fact that I have always wanted to write a book, but it has been difficult to get started.  I have been writing this blog now for over a year, and doing a little piece of writing each day has provided an outlet for my opinions and allowed me to share what I think is funny.  I wish I could categorize what it is that I'd like to write about, so I could get started.  They say that the best topics for writing are the ones that you know the best, the subjects that you deal with on a day-to-day basis.  Perhaps I will write about my family and the members' interaction.  Perhaps I REALLY should pick a topic that someone might read, though.  I have a lot of angst bottled up and I have really never cared about who I piss off or make happy.  My opinions have always been free for the asking (or not).  I always have something to share (usually the lighter side) as a response to any topic.  Perhaps that makes me a frustrated comedian.  

Or, I could write about one of my passions.  Photography, Cars, History, Cactus, the Old West, American Indians, or travel.  Focusing on mainly one area is really very hard.  You have to realize why you would do it and what you would get out of it.

Being employed as a Software Engineer, I am trying to read some writing on the wall.  It appears after Microsoft gobbled other competing language companies and phased out COBOL, FORTRAN, Pascal, Turbo C, and I'm sure many more that I'm not aware of, now Microsoft is faltering.  Google is providing the equivalent of Office applications in their cloud, so it is REALLY not necessary to buy them an longer.  The faster and faster processors have made Java the language of choice, so there appears less and less of the need for C or C++.  Soon we will see the introduction of the Android OS for desktop or business use.  Windows will become less favorable (unless they pull off a miracle).  The whole engineering industry is about to shift paradigms.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.

Pareidolia or Not ?

More on the New Year's pareidolia.  Perhaps we ARE looking for a explainable pattern, where none exists.

Economic recovery? Where?  I must have missed it....


Now that China has bought up a bunch of Europe's debt to bolster the Euro; how do we all feel that they are going to own so much of the world ?  In today's paper, it says that China now has a stealth fighter (although the picture makes it look much more like a bomber).   Who are they trying to hide from?  After all, they are the landlords!

Save us from Rudy, please!   We need NEW blood in DC, not the same0-same0...


Give me a break, pullease!  The last thing I want to do is flood the internet with tweet messages from my appliances.  Why would my neighbor want to read that my clothes are dry...or my icemaker has filled the receptacle... or my fridge is defrosting now?   We are ALREADY running out of bandwidth.  Giving appliances a means to create additional clogs is ludicrous!  If it is so important to know when my clothes are done washing on my smart phone, why not expend the effort to allow my washer to dry them, so I don't have to move the clothes.  Or have my fridge create me a shopping list of the items I have emptied and then order those items from the market and have them automatically delivered.  How lazy should I allow myself to get ?  It won't be long before we all look like the people in Wall-E!!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. 
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

Once upon a time there dwelt, in Fairy Land, a particularly
beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and
form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had,
protruding from his navel, a silver screw.

Verily he could conceal it by adjustment of doublet and hose, yet
it did sorely trouble him. So that each day he would go into the
deep dark woods and sit in a glade, staring sadly at the silver
screw.

Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a
bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to
conceal his shame and said to her, 'Old crone, that bundle is too
heavy for you to carry. Let me lift thy burden.'

The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her
gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a
witch. 'But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a
wish.'

The youth didn't need to consider the wish for a moment. 'Please,
please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.'

The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a
rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic
spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and,
struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the
ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens, using the crone's
magic spell.

Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds
appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels
singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light
that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant
golden screwdriver.

As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the
silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant
golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up
the shaft of light which, in turn, disappeared. As did the dark
boiling clouds and celestial chorus.

The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively
touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he
turned the screw once, twice, thrice! And his bum fell off.

Piers Morgan Will Be Outgunned...

Just in is that Piers Morgan's first guest on his new show that replaces Larry King will be Oprah Winfrey.  I can't think of anybody that could put him on his best behavior and "in his place" better than she can.  I hope (for his sake) that she likes the experience, because if she doesn't, none of her fans will watch him.

Seems as though MANY companies are updating their logos (not just Starbucks).  They must have either raised their prices or shrunk their products. 

Is the Woodie dead ?  No car manufacturers make cars with wood on the sides or even simulated wood on the sides anymore.  Why were we attracted to that combination, and why aren't we anymore ? 

Why are all these bird and fish dying all over the world ?  It this a biblical performance or is there a reasonable scientific explanation ?  Also, why is it that mostly one variety of bird is dying, and one variety of fish?  Has there been a chemical poison release ?  Has there been a genetic experiment that went awry ?  Is this a sign from alien visitors of their power ? 

 

A Southern Baptist was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.... After the plane was airborne, drink orders
were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Southern Baptist if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." 

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that it's a
woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she's very
attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest
of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues.
She turns out to be a very talented golfer and she wins their
little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the
parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she
doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable
morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company
and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on
the course for a long time. "In fact.", she says. "I'd like you
to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
everything.". He pulls over and she gives him the best kiss he's
ever had.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they
play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly
peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a
magnificent day, enjoying each others company and playing a
tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last,
again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about, but eventually
she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs. "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm sorry." she repeats.

"You bastard!" he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!!"

How to be a good liberal
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. 

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say “Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory.” I preached and I preached, like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like that before...and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for more’n 20 years.”

Mebbie I need a New Logo too...

So who do we know that charges way too much for hundreds of variations on a coffee theme ? Starbucks of course.  Now to keep prices down (not really) and profits up (always), they have come out with a new logo, the importance of which has nothing to do with their coffee products, but of course cost them a fortune to redesign, relabel all their products and put new signs on all their stores.  But don't fret, I'm sure they will make the money to pay for it s-o-m-e-w-h-e-r-e!

Here are some interesting tidbits that just maybe you didn't know.

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'   (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.  The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.  They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.  When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.'  Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'.  In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. . Wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.'  To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.  They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times.  'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming.  She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your'P's and Q's '

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.  It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.  However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?  The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen..  Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.  There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey..  Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

Make It Better NOT PC

Today was a beautiful day (except I'm back to work)!

I read today that they were making a new movie out of Huckleberry Finn, but without the N word. Let me make it very clear that I don't like the N word, nor it's connotations. I really don't like screwing with classics, though. Just like I wouldn't do anything to my classic Vette that would make it not classic, I would expect the same respect for Mark Twain or Shakespeare or any other classical piece of work.  I'd just as soon put pants on the statue of David, so as not to offend prudes.  If the movie is worth making, it is worth making "correct" or not at all!

 

I got a FREE rental yesterday and the Redbox was pretty low on selection, so I grabbed "The Other Guys".  Unfortunately, it wasn't worth the rental money!

 

 

PARKING TICKET
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were in there for only about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

 
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a butt-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 
My first skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."  

 


Twenty Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy. 

Dog Day Afternoon...

Last night we watched a silly movie, "Easy A". It was interesting and entertaining to see how Emma Stone was going extricate herself and reputation from many "innocent" lies.  One redeeming factor was that it was filmed in Ojai (very close to home) and it was interesting to see the town's landmarks over and over again.

It stopped raining long enough to take down the balance of the decorations (this time OUTSIDE), and I think I'm done!  [Unfortunately, I return to work tomorrow...].

I took Max in to the vet this morning.  He was not ecstatic to be there [lost his testicles on a previous visit...].  He was just going in to get his teeth cleaned (especially under the gumline). While he was there, the x-rays showed that one of his molars is infected and has to be pulled.  This does not sound like fun.  Do dogs dream when they are under anesthesia ?

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.  When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken.” 
(True Story)

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

"A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."