Danger: Facebook!

-----So for what it is worth; there was no agony picking the Christmas tree this year.  It was postponed until attempting to get one of the old tree stands to work.  After way too much time, it became obvious that they were not going to do the job, so I went back to the store to buy a new one.  In short order, the tree was inside, up and straight.  Since this is the first day of my vacation, I have been chosen to put the lights on the tree while my wife is at work...  Will the fun never cease?

-----Why is it that I feel that Facebook is being crammed down my throat?  How many "innocent" adolescents are being taken advantage of, information wise and not learning true social skills? How many "be my friend" emails do I get a week? How many times am I looking for information or trying to enter a contest and they want me to log on to Facebook first?  I am NOT going to do it.  Zuckerberg will have take over the internet without me and my personal data.  Here is a great article on the ease at which personal data is found on the internet, thanks to Facebook and all the other social network sites.  The identity thieves are having a field day, I'm sure...  In my house, even the junk mail gets shredded before disposal!

-----Why in this day and age aren't standards enforced?  When I buy components at work and they don't interconnect correctly with other brands, I send them back and buy others.  This forces the manufacturers to fix their products.  When I buy consumer products, the compatible interconnects are unstated, but assumed.  If they have a two pronged plug, it is assumed that I can plug it in to a wall outlet- or another consumer product in series (in this case it is a string of Christmas LEDs).  I have a product that appears to work fine with itself, but when I connect it to another brand, it performs poorly (in this case only half the string of LEDs would light, while they all light from the wall directly).  These kind of products are unacceptable, at any price, and should be returned to the retailer where they were bought.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED
The 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

You Know It Will Be a Bad Day When  
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40...and you really are.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.



I Resign!
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple;
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ ....."Tag! You're it."

Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the Simple Things in Life.

A Red Neck Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared he could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

"Git down from that porch! git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!

Agonizing Choice...

-----We went to see the Getty Villa in Malibu yesterday to help celebrate my daughter's twentieth birthday.  It is an interesting place- a museum of sculpture and artifacts, but not paintings.  The gardens and fountains were pretty special, but surprisingly, considering where it is, the view of the ocean is extremely limited.  Also, the "castle-like" building that is visible from Pacific Coast Highway is NOT part of the Villa, even though it personifies that corner.


-----This morning, we are going to agonize over the choice of a Christmas tree and hopefully have it clean, dry and in the stand today.  We will probably wait until Thursday to allow Tori to participate in decoration.  We pick her up on Wednesday afternoon for a month at home...

 

Australian Jingle Bells

Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It's Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Engine's getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family's there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce,
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes 'round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute 

 

 

Signs of Christmas Everywhere
Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd."

A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...
a calendar to remind him when payments are due."





A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Murphy`s lesser known laws:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she
asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was
surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in
time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the
dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn
ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

Employee Gifting ?

-----Bittersweet day today. The weather is fantastic and I won't have to come in on Monday- in fact not until January 4th! I'll probably miss this place and the the people I work with. That's why it is bittersweet...


-----So what do you give your employees for Christmas ?  Nothing (the choice of most firms) or how about a new off-road bicycle ?  Ikea gave over 12000 of them to it's employees.  Get 'em happy and healthy.  I am impressed (and jealous).
 
-----It is heartfelt to know that no matter what Apple makes, people will buy it.  Soon the iPAD 2.0 will debut.   Many people will dump their iPad (or turn it into a programmable TV remote) and buy another.  What is the mystique that causes the lemming-like public to drool at the thought of a new gadget from Apple ?

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Chrisnukah
Subject: Major Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY- The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE - Silent Night

Barbie's letter to Santa 


Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Ken's letter to Santa 
Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

Texting Society

-----I heard on the radio that kids are not learning social skills because all they do is text to their friends.  Many of them don't even associate with their friends, but spent inordinate amounts of time texting them.  What will become of society if all of our conversations are abbreviated and passed over the airways ?  Will we stop dressing or even cleaning up if we never see anyone in person.  There was a (bad) movie called "Surrogates" that had humans staying in the homes and experiencing life through the eyes of a robot.  I hope our society wakes up and does not allow that to happen...

-----Isn't it really interesting that we haven't heard a peep out of Meg Whitman or Carly Fiorina since the election.  Something tells me we haven't hear the last of them yet, though.

Embarrassing moments

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom. And wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked so adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the woman's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Driving through Georgia
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

Clearing the [explosive] Blight...

It was the company "end of year recognition" party [since they can't take the chance to offend anybody by calling it a holiday party] tonight. So much for that...

Has anyone been keeping up with the news about the house full of explosives and chemicals that was discovered in San Diego.  Apparently the owner of the house hired a gardener, since he didn't expect his renter to maintain the landscape.  The gardener discovered a land mine in the front lawn that blew his mower apart.  He called the cops and they searched the property and made their discovery.  For the last three weeks, they have been removing explosives and chemicals from inside the house.  Now they have determined that what remains is too dangerous to move.  They have built a twelve foot high cement block wall around the house and evacuated the neighborhood, so they can burn the place down!  I wonder, is that covered by homeowner's insurance ???

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
My memory fails me a lot.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.,.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

A Christmas Story
To get everyone in the holiday spirit.......

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this. 

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: 

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. 

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
  
ARMADILLO (NOV 23-Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you is; old friends, a fire, some roots and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.  

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting
the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow." 

Reanimation ?

-----Many people are dumping their Cable TV and replacing it with digital rabbit ears because of the cost.  The cable companies promised a smorgasbord of channel offerings in a post-analogue world.  They never provided the means to select just the channels that you are willing to pay for.  Everything is offered on tiers.  To get one channel on a tier, you have to buy the whole tier.  This makes your monthly bill add up very fast and become unwieldy.  Digital rabbit ears will provide different results depending where you live, but in many cases will get you three or more essential channels.  Add a Roku (internet content streamer) box and you have access to all the internet offers including NetFlix, Hulu, HBOGo etc.  Hopefully, very soon, there won't be a good reason to continue being ripped off by the cable companies.

-----Talk about nuts:  George Lucas wants to digitally resuscitate dead actors to be in new productions.   While I believe this is possible, I can't imagine taking advantage of a person's image (or karma) that way.  This guy is bananas!  After all, why have actors at all ?  They can all be figments of a computer's imagination and thereby save the studio megabucks.

Jewish Movies You May Have Missed
1. GONIF WITH THE WIND -- A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.

2. THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE -- A Mohel murder mystery.

3. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY -- A kosher noodle western.

4. MOBY DRECK -- Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.

5. THE CINCINNATI YID -- Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform
congregation.

6. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES -- Bubbie lays down the law on Pesach.

7. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER -- Paul Newman and Robert Redford do standup shtick while they rob their victims.

8. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH -- The extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouths and hurts their lips.

9. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE -- An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.

10. THE MATZO CANDIDATE -- Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that it's always Passover.

11. DREYDELS OF THE LOST ARK -- Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.

12. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE -- Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school
can be found.

13. THE SIX CENTS -- Three Jews each put in their two-cents worth.

14 . DREYDEL WILL ROCK -- Chanukah toy comes alive.

15. GOYS DON'T CRY -- Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Yom Kippur.

16. STUART LADLE -- Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.

17. THE GREEN MOYEL -- Young man performs first circumcision.

18. GOY STORY II -- Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another.

Risking It All On Facebook...

-----We watched the 60 Minutes segment on Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg.  I was not impressed.  First, it really is apparent that this guy or company (same ?) is moving in the direction of taking over the internet.  A few years ago, I thought is was going to be AOL, and now Facebook.  This is an enormous responsibility which can very easily fail with only minor mishaps.  Facebook is designed to encourage all of its members to disclose as much personal information as possible, while creating spider-web like links to your friend, their friends, your relatives, their friends, to people that use the same shampoo or go to the same dry cleaners.  Why to I want to expose myself to possible ridicule, or fraud by creating these connections ?  For what purposes would Facebook want to gather all of this information ?  Why would I want to give up all of my privacy ?  Have you noticed lately that more and more commercial websites have made a place on Facebook and encourage you to visit ?  While there you will undoubtedly be encouraged to express your opinion by clicking the "Like" button.  This information will "adjust" the market to appeal to the Facebook crowd and the rest of us will be stuck with it.  People won't get on the internet, they'll get on Facebook.  They'll do their shopping and banking from Facebook.  All of their preferences will be transparent and available.  Yet when Zuckerberg is interviewed, he has non-impressive responses to very important questions.  What would we expect from a 26 year old geek that would rather spend time socializing via his computer than in actuality. 


Someday, mark my words, Facebook will fall.  It may be because the wrong people will get hold of the data that Facebook has squirreled away or because they will make a mistake that will cause the "institution" to crumble.  We have put a gargantuan amount of trust in this company- in this very young entrepreneur.  Is the sociability of the current generation so flawed that we cannot articulate except via a keyboard ?

Consequently, you probably can tell, I am not a fan of Facebook or the nasty predicament that it will put the socialized world in.



-----Last night, we watched the movie "Going the Distance", with Justin Long and Drew Barrymore.  It amazes me that anyone would invest enough money in this movies to get it made.  Although there may be a few comical scenes, the plot lacks cohesion and deliverance.  The opportunity presented itself many times to "clean it up" and "make it happen", but it didn't.  A waste of my time to view it.


-----Word has it that Al Queda is not going to surgically implant bombs into "expendable" operatives, called "Frankenbombers".  I am blown away....

How to start a fight

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

The Dr. Seuss Version of the 4 Questions 

Why is it only
on Passover night
we never know how
to do anything right?
We don't eat our meals
in the regular ways,
the ways that we do
on all other days.

`Cause on all other nights
we may eat
all kinds of wonderful
good bready treats,
like big purple pizza
that tastes like a pickle,
crumbly crackers
and pink pumpernickel,
sassafras sandwich
and tiger on rye,
fifty felafels in pita,
fresh-fried,
with peanut-butter
and tangerine sauce
spread onto each side
up-and-down, then across,
and toasted whole-wheat bread
with liver and ducks,
and crumpets and dumplings,
and bagels and lox,
and doughnuts with one hole
and doughnuts with four,
and cake with six layers
and windows and doors.
Yes--
on all other nights
we eat all kinds of bread,
but tonight of all nights
we munch matzoh instead.

And on all other nights
we devour
vegetables, green things,
and bushes and flowers,
lettuce that's leafy
and candy-striped spinach,
fresh silly celery
(Have more when you're finished!)
cabbage that's flown
from the jungles of Glome
by a polka-dot bird
who can't find his way home,
daisies and roses
and inside-out grass
and artichoke hearts
that are simply first class!
Sixty asparagus tips
served in glasses
with anchovy sauce
and some sticky molasses--
But on Passover night
you would never consider
eating an herb
that wasn't all bitter.

And on all other nights
you would probably flip
if anyone asked you
how often you dip.
On some days I only dip
one Bup-Bup egg
in a teaspoon of vinegar
mixed with nutmeg,
but sometimes we take
more than ten thousand tails
of the Yakkity-birds
that are hunted in Wales,
and dip them in vats
full of Mumbegum juice.
Then we feed them to Harold,
our six-legged moose.
Or we don't dip at all!
We don't ask your advice.
So why on this night
do we have to dip twice?

And on all other nights
we can sit as we please,
on our heads, on our elbows,
our backs or our knees,
or hang by our toes
from the tail of a Glump,
or on top of a camel
with one or two humps,
with our foot on the table,
our nose on the floor,
with one ear in the window
and one out the door,
doing somersaults
over the greasy knishes
or dancing a jig
without breaking the dishes.
Yes--
on all other nights
you sit nicely when dining--
So why on this night
must it all be reclining?

Years ago it was suggested ...

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! 

Let's......make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like a bird and flock off
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like a missile and cruise.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like a drummer and beat it.
...make like a bee and buzz off.
...make like diarrhea and run
...make like a tire and hit the road
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a terrorist and blow this place.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a strawberry and jam.
...make like traffic and jam.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
...make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta here.
...make like a bread truck and haul buns.
...make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
...make like a prom dress and take off.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like the Red Sea and split.
...make like the Red Sea and part.
...make like an amoeba and split...!
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
...make like a jacket and zip.
...make like a magnet and flux off.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like a register and shift.
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
...make like a mongrel and get lost
...make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
...make like data and move
...make like a football and kickoff
...make like a baseball player and home-run
...make like a pound and quid (quit).
...make like a jet and zoom.
...make like an airplane and take off.
...make like a hat and go on ahead.
...make like an atom and split.
...make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
...make like rain and get the hail out of here.

Shades of "Love Story"...

We went to see "Love and Other Drugs" last night.  I am impressed that Anne Hathaway managed to reveal heretofore unknown acting talents as well as God given attributes.  Both were A-OK.  Jake Gyllenhaal impressed me as well, but I haven't seen him in much previously.  The story had a real plot (sometimes shades of "Love Story", but the actors made it real).  I would definitely recommend it....

Only one more week of work and I'm off for the balance of the year.  I'm sure it will go by very quickly.  I do have a list of the places and activities that I would like to do while I'm off, but I'm also sure that they will become O.B.E. (overcome by events)...

Polite Insults

1. When the bar closes he helps turn off the lights.
2. On the wall of his life there will be only one shadow.
3. When you enter an empty room the average IQ of both rooms raises a lot.
4. His arrival is like a new dandelion in the yard.
5. Most of what you do is almost adequate.
6. Most of the time you look like you know what you are not doing.
7. You and the truth have never been friends.
8. If you and I were the last people on earth, a solo trip of Europe would be a fine idea to me.
9. You have to be discrete with him, the truth just makes him look bad.
10. You have the appeal of a pet mouse found deceased in a closet a few days too late.
11. It is unfortunate the path you life has taken.
And my favorite not too polite;
12. After seeing how you turned out, I now regret not having using a condom back then.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,....

"Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'  

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree.

They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"  

Indian Summer - NO WAY!

Why aren't people nice at Christmas (or at least as nice as they are the rest of the year)?  They push and shove to get the presents that they can't afford after being rude in the parking lot to get a space close by.  Today, when I went shopping, I gave up and parked as far as I could go, so I didn't have to compete and waste all my time and gas...


I feel cheated.  Most of the years we get a small summer in the summer and a bigger one in the winter.  It is way too cold.  I think the Indians took Indian summer back!

Some people are like Slinkies

not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Super-man jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.  

GRANDMA as a Senior Driver
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! 

Bubba Claus

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours, Bubba Claus  

Tortilla Dog!

Am I ready for Christmas?  No.  It shows up way too soon after summer.  My daughter's birthday is on December 11, so truly, the season cannot start until that celebration is complete.

So I was thinking about the special gifts that I will try to buy for Christmas and where, and guess what- those stores have closed.  I may have to re-think the whole process...

Hillary has announced (for whatever it is worth) that she is not going to run for anymore political offices after the one she's got.  I guess that is is a relief for us, but Bill better shape up- since she'll be home!


Max hasn't been too happy lately because it is so cold and gets dark so early.  He is raring to go almost anytime, though.  Interestingly enough, we found out he loves tortillas!.  If I give him one, he'll shake it to be sure it is dead, then play with it outside for a while, then bring it in and slowly savor it as he eats it.  It must be in his blood!

Twas the month before Christmas

When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.

See the PC Police had taken away,

The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say

December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit

Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod

Something was changing, something quite odd! 

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa

In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda..

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down

At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears

You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty

Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen

On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter

To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith

Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded

The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'

Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS , Not Happy Holiday !

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas .
On the first day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the second day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the third day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the forth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the fifth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the sixth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the seventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eighth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the ninth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the tenth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 11 rasslin' tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin' tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

WOMEN'S RIGHTS
The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. 

(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................

"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing,
Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,

but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye." 

Aliens Right Here On Earth

So scientists have discovered bacteria that will live off of toxic arsenic thereby extending the definition of life (as they know it) and allowing the possibility of life on uninhabitable planets.  Why not use this bacteria to clean up toxic dumps where arsenic is the culprit ???


When the Federal gubmint decides to replace cars in the motor pool, do they buy from the lowest bidder (like Hyundai)- or do they get cars from their own company, GM ?

A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The
woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a job that the woman can have but the pay isn't much and the job is boring, the woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day.

The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants
and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself.

They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs.

After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says  "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES !!

A little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, and Santa asked his usual question of her: "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute and then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Walkin in a Doggie Wonderland
Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."